Dave Barry's Blog

IF CASTRO, IN FACT, DIES...

...and you are the kind of person who likes REALLY wild street parties, you want to get to Miami now.

CREEPING FASCISM IN MALAYSIA

Now they want to take away our precious Malaysian constitutional right to name childen "Smelly Head."

(Thanks to Guin)

ATTENTION, NY GIANTS FANS

Here is the opportunity of a lifetime.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

UPDATE: And here is a very special item for clinically insane people Red Sox fans (thanks to Andrew Hoenig).

ALSO WE SOMETIMES PEE ON FIRE HYDRANTS

Men are dogs.

(Thanks to Kendall Avery)

GIMME A LARGE ELASTIC LOAF WITH EXTRA CHEESE AND PEPPERONI

Iran cracks down on bad words.

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

(This blog apologizes if this story has already been all over the Internet, but this blog is on vacation)

24

Aquí están los diagramas esquemáticos del perímetro en fecha novecientas horas de tiempo del este del terrorismo:

Están sosteniendo a Gato "manija" Bauer del granjero en limbo brutal del hiato del verano a bordo del carguero chino "argumento secundario de los mares." Audrey se está ocupando de estas noticias llorando, que es cómo ella trata de bonito mucho todo que le suceda, incluyendo salida del sol. Edgar, aunque aún es muerto, auditioning activamente para otras partes, incluyendo el plomo en la película próxima: "Shamu, los años." Ahora le damos vuelta encima a nuestro Steve regularmente programar.

SOON TO BE AN OLYMPIC SPORT

Competitive Texting

(Thnx 1st to Betsi Freeman)

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT NOBODY IS MAKING THOUGHTFUL, HIGH-QUALITY TELEVISION SHOWS THAT EXPLORE THE IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY

...this blog can only laugh.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

CSI: NORCO

Key Quote: "This is the largest (toilet papering) case we've had in recent memory."       

HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

Women, get ready to nod knowingly.

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

ATTENTION, MEN OF ROMANCE LOOKING FOR A VERY SPECIAL GIFT FOR A VERY SPECIAL LADY

Look no farther.

(Thanks to crossgirl)

SPEAKING OF CHEESE

Don't. Don't even think about this one. Seriously.

(We refuse to thank The Perts. We are going to start a new category -- Do Not Click This Link -- just for this item.)

FORMERLY NAKED (BUT CURRENTLY CLOTHED) NEWS UPDATE

(Thanks to Mike A.)

THE BLOG HAS BEEN FINICKY THIS MORNING

Perhaps a thick coating of Magic Cheese would help.

(Thanks to DavCat)

TRAVEL ADVISORY

After a summer of soccer/headbutt-covering and  book-strumpeting, the Blog Family is finally going on an actual summer vacation. So blogging from me will be highly sporadic for the next week or so. But rest assured that you will be in good hands.

DESIGNER BATHROOM CONCEPT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Giddyup.

(Thanks to Robert Benjamin)

AWWW

Back in 2004, when Ridley and I were out strumpeting for our first book, we did a signing at a Costco (Yes! A Costco!) in California. To our surprise and delight and mild fear, several people came dressed as pirates. A CrapCam photo of that event was blogged here. The tall guy on the left in back is the blogperson known as Mike Weasel; the woman next to him is the blogsterette known as Mad Scientist. Before that moment, they had never met. And guess what?

That's right: They never saw each other again.

No! Kidding!

On Friday night, Mad and Mike got married. I am not making this up. So, to Mike and Mad, this blog says: Congratulations, and best wishes, and may you enjoy many fine swashbuckling years together.

HALLOWEEN IS COMING

Get ready.

(Thanks to goodbuddy)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Cosmic Blob.

(Also thanks to Betsi)

(For the record, this blog had a college roommate that this blog sometimes called Cosmic Bob)

WHY THE WORLD NEEDS GUYS, REASON 2,038

Guys liven things up.

(Thanks to Betsi)

SNAKE UPDATE

They're escaping, probably with the aid of squirrels. And not to alarm anybody, but: apparently they're trying to catch planes.

CREEPING FASCISM

Now you can't even cuddle a conger.

(Thanks to Mr. Jeff Arch)

YET ANOTHER REASON WHY THE WORLD NEEDS GUYS

Guys care about the environment.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

NEW YORK PIGEON UPDATE

(Thanks to CoastRaven)

NEWS YOU CAN USE

This totally justifies locking the refrigerator.

(Thanks to markhh)

FRIDAY AT FIVE

It's time for Nudity in the News: This week we have dangerous criminals, lovers, police officers, victims, and collectors.

(Thanks to fivver, DavCat, Gary, Jeannie Kelly, and Jeff Meyerson)

UPDATE

Still only $10.

ATTENTION, CONSUMERS OF SOY SAUCE

Whatever you do, do not read too far down in this article.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

ATTENTION, TEENAGERS

Put down those mothballs now. But keep them near, just in case.

(Thanks to Claire Martin and Siouxie Cruz)

HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to DavCat)

CAN YOU HEAR IT?

The distant sound of strumpeting, strumpeting....

(Photo)

CLEVELAND OHIO

Trying to beat out Davenport Iowa in the burgeoning Office Supply Art field.

(Thanks to Wziemski)

STRUMPDATE REDUX PART DEUX

Or something like that.

Also, happy birthday to one of these lovely ladies.

STRUMPDATE

One of the sponsors of tonight's event is the Germ-X company, which made a special product for Ridley and me: Gnarly Green Pirate Slime Hand Sanitizer. Ridley is admiring it in this exclusive unposed spontaneous CrapCam photo.

{Oops; Tonight's posts should read "Posted by Dave"}

ST. LOUIS STRUMPDATE

Some terrifyingly young people who claim to read the blog came and gave us Krispy Kreme doughnuts for Edgar, who by the way is still dead.

ATTENTION, GUYS WHOSE WIVES WOULD LIKE THEM TO HELP OUT MORE IN THE KITCHEN

You should help out more. But to do that, you need this.

(Via Gizmodo via OhGizmo)

OK THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER

But can we point out that Marijuana Gumballs WBAGNFARB?

(Thanks to sthnbelle)

THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING

From the site of the giant-head gossip woman:

(Scroll down here:)

Paris Hilton says that Barry Manilow is one her favorite singers. Just don’t ask her to name any of his songs. “I don't know what he sings, but he's sexy,” the partying heiress told the Scottish Daily Record. “He has nice calm music.”

(Thanks to funniegrrl)

URGENT BULLETIN ADVISORY TO PEOPLE IN LONDON

Keep an eye out.

UPDATE

OK, the blog seems to be working again. But I won't be doing much blogging, because Ridley and I are charging around St. Louis in Full Strumpet Mode. I am pleased to report that Ridley's house has electricity. The roof is gone, but we can keep the beer cold.

ARTIST OF THE DAY SO FAR

He really puts his, um... his self into his work.

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Siouxie Cruz)

POLITICS IN WAWAYANDA

It's not for the faint of heart.

STRUMPDATE

Check out the Picture of the Day. Makes a man proud.

SOUTH FLORIDA NEWS UPDATE

Inexplicably, they still haven't identified this guy. You'd think all the barking would give him away.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick, even though the s.b. saw it repeatedly on the news and yet somehow failed to think of blogging it.)

THEY SEEM TO THINK THIS IS NEWS

(Thanks to Sean)

STRUMPDATE

Ridley and I are at the San Francisco airport, preparing to go to St. Louis, where we will see if Ridley has electricity, or what. I know I have asked this question before, but I would still like to know why it is that people in otherwise quiet airport waiting areas believe that they must talk VERY LOUD INTO THEIR CELL PHONES.

NATURE UPDATE

We don't like the sound of this at all.

MAKING A NAME FOR ITSELF IN THE WORLD OF FINE ART

Davenport, Iowa.

(Thanks to Deb Rowley, who sent this in via snailmail)

ATTENTION, SIMPSONS FANS

Things could get ugly.

(Thanks to Schadeboy, who notes: "Maybe he'll shoot Homer in the thigh.")

STRUMPDATE

Ridley and I had a fine event in Petaluma. We also confirmed that they do, in fact, sell beer in Petaluma. Thank you, Petaluma. Petaluma Petaluma Petaluma.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS HEADLINE REFERS TO, AND WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW

(Thanks to sharon share-alike)

COURAGEOUS SNAKE TAKES ACTION TO REDUCE FEDERAL PAPERWORK

From one of the marine industry news roundups some environmental reporters (like me) wade through daily:

Python eats CFR
On Saturday, July 22, the Government Printing Office announced that a 27-foot Bolivian python (an endangered species) from the National Zoo slithered into the underground vault holding the official copies of the Code of Federal Regulations (CFR). Before it was incapacitated by numerous darts filled with strong sedatives, the snake managed to swallow Titles 33 and 46 of the CFR. It took veterinarians 12 hours to extract the important documents. In the interim, the US Coast Guard, Maritime Administration (MARAD), St. Lawrence Seaway Development Corporation, Federal Maritime Commission, and US Army Corps of Engineers had to curtail operations for lack of authority. (7/22/06).
Robert McClure
Seattle Post-Intelligencer
See my new blog "Dateline Earth" at www.datelineearth.com

CANADIAN PRODUCT OF THE DAY SO FAR

What will they think of next?

(Thanks to Karin Dixon)

ATTENTION, POSTAL PATRONS

Could we please all read the rules?

NEW BRITISH LAW

It's hot, but you're not.

(Thanks to Ken Pendergraft)

FASCISM/TERRORISM UPDATE

Now they're taking away our right to.... Hey! What's going on down there?!

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

STRUMPDATE

Tonight Ridley and I will be strumpeting for our book in Petaluma. We have never been to Petaluma, but according to the Internet, it seems to have everything a person could possibly want. Plus we like saying "Petaluma." Petaluma Petaluma Petaluma.

FOR THE ACTIVE CELL-PHONE-USIN' MAN

Like Jack?

(Thanks to Qween Puler)

IT'S ABOUT TIME

(Thanks to Russell Mc, who is always looking out for the s.b.)

NO NEED TO EXPLAIN

We have it on good authority that the horse insulted his mother.

(Thanks to Matt Morrison)

MEN: FOOTBALL SEASON IS ALMOST HERE

So you need this.

(Via Gizmodo)

ATTENTION, WAL-MART SHOPPERS

Be careful.

24

Voici les paramètres du périmètre en date de 900 heures de temps oriental de schémas centigrade:

Jack "la poignée poignée de fermier" de Fermier est jugé toujours captif par des acteurs d'intrigue secondaire de Chinese à bord de la boulette de cargo des mers. Audrey est répandu pour s'être connecté à une autre exposition de TV, où nous espérons qu'elle cessera d'être une musaraigne tailler-faite face sniveling. Edgar est encore mort, et pas du tout heureux à son sujet. Nous rejoignons maintenant notre Steve régulièrement programmé, déjà en marche.

WE WANT THIS KITE

(Also via Gizmodo)

THE FRONTIERS OF TECHNOLOGY

They continue to expand.

(Via Gizmodo)

ATTENTION, TOURISTS

Be careful out there.

UH-OH

If this technology ever falls into the hands of the wrong people -- the French, for example -- we are in serious trouble.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

THE BLOG ONCE WORE A BOX ON HIS HEAD

Is this so different?

(Thanks to DavCat)

UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR/NON SEQUITUR OF THE WEEK/THREAT OF THE DAY

i was wondering if you were a reputable web site , but since you did not return my request, i feel that you are not. you publish a blog from a guy that wants to shoot me. this will be forwarded to the proper authorties.

WAIT WAIT WAIT

THIS is the GrossMeOut Headline of the Day so far, at least for those of us who are men. Please note that the doctor in this situation is NOT someone you want to be angry with you.

(Thanks to the steely Drew Harchick)

GROSSMEOUT HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Warren Anderson)

THE INCREDIBLE ENLARGING WOMAN

...threatens innocent bystanders in Menlo Park.

STRUMPDATE

California has pulled out all the stops for this book tour.

STRUMPDATE

We made it to San Francisco. I know this because this morning, when we went out to get breakfast, we saw a man standing on his head on the sidewalk, singing for spare change. He was upside down when we got there, and he was still upside down when we left. Ridley gave him some spare change, because that has to be even harder than a book tour.

Everybody out here is complaining about how hot it is. Right now I would say it is maybe 80 degrees in San Francisco, but people are carrying on as though we're on the surface of the planet Mercury. As far as I'm concerned, this is nothing like what it was like in New York ("The Exploding Pigeon City").

NOT TO BE REDUNDANT¹ BUT...

Here's the aforementioned Dayton toilet.

(Thanks to Mudstuffin and his children)

¹Dayton residents: It is only a good-natured little joke. Please do not shoot the messenger fly to Miami with guns. We have enough.

ENOUGH ALREADY WITH MORE FROM DAYTON

(Thanks to LabSpecimen [left to right is Ridley, Neophyte, LabSpecimen, InsolentWench, and Peter Pan].
p.s. Sorry about the delayed posting of the Dayton pictures; the s.b. was enjoying a skybox at the Marlins game last night, courtesy of the Blog and Mrs. Blog via the Special Olympics, and by the time we got home, we were too tired to blog.)

DAYTON, LAND OF STRUMPETS

An actual pirate showed up in Dayton, but she was a petite woman pirate, so we were not too nervous.

MORE FROM DAYTON

Blogette Bumble brought us some excellent Hip Hop Pirate hats. We will fit right in when we strumpet in the 'hood.

BELATED DAYTON STRUMPDATE

Blogperson Mudstuffin came to the Dayton event and gave me a very tasteful ceramic toilet filled with plastic snakes and (I hope) rubber poop. He is much shorter than I expected.

 

STRUMPDATE

We made it from Dayton back to Chicago (where we began our day) only to be informed by United Flight Delays Airlines that the airplane that was supposed to take us to San Francisco is still at LaGuardia Airport in New York City, and is in no big hurry to leave. So we may be spending several days here in in O'Hare Airport. Stop by if you'd like us to sign a book. Bring the kids!

We'll be fine, because we have plenty to eat.

We thank the blogsterette known as Bumble for bringing about 47 bags of Cheez-Its to our event in Dayton. At the time we viewed it as a humorous gesture. We now realize that it may save our lives. Other passengers in the waiting lounge have formed a circle around us and sometimes make hungry lunges in our direction, but they will NOT GET OUR CHEEZ-ITS.

UPDATE: Our plane is here. Let me repeat that in italics: Our plane is here.

THEY SAY THERE ARE TOO MANY TELEVISED AWARDS SHOWS

But this blog firmly believes there is room for one more.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

(Thanks a big freaking heap to Artchick)

HERE KITTY KITTY

(Thanks to M. Powell)

STRUMPDATE

Ridley and I are starting in Chicago today, then going to strumpet in Dayton, Ohio, then going (Why not?) BACK to Chicago this evening to attempt to catch a flight to San Francisco. So there will likely be very little blogging today from Yours Truly.

We had a fine event last night in Naperville, Ill., which featured yet another appearance by the Mystery Woman On A Stick.

FLORIDA COLLEGES ARE PARTY SCHOOLS

Let's get this fire party started.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Give it up for the Rude Tubers!

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

FUTURE BOOK TOUR POSSIBILITY

Robo-Strumpet

(Thanks to goodbuddy)

PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCEMENT ACTIVITY OF THE DAY

Lileks

(Russell Mc sent in a ham from the "Son of Cooking with Seven-Up" section, and the s.b. went on to sob her way through the "Patty Cake" book. Find your own way; the man's a genius.)

ASTOUNDING SCIENCE BREAKTHROUGH IN CANADA

Apparently, they have discovered that poop smells bad.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

ATTENTION, STRUMPETS OF A DIFFERENT KIND

They are waiting for you in Hungary.

(Note: The video linked in the article would get the DNOAWOIYDWYMTTYNYG warning.)

(Thanks to Eleanor)

STRUMPETING UPDATE

Ridley and I head for Chicago today. Last night we had a very nice event in either Virginia or Maryland, or possibly Georgia. It was definitely a state. A number of blog commandos showed up, including the group shown in the exclusive CrapCam photo below, which included the mysterious Woman On A Stick, whose head is, we believe, getting smaller. We apologize for the quality of the photo, but the CrapCam appears to be getting crappier. Either that, or the actual world is getting more out of focus. There is no way to tell.

BARRY SPEAKS OUT ON THE ISSUES OF THE DAY

(Thanks to orcel)

THINKING AHEAD

Someone's preparing for International Talk Like A Pirate Day.

(Thanks to Patrick Brown)

UPDATE, thanks to queensbee.

THE HEARTWARMING STORY OF JENNY THE DISPUTE-RESOLVING HEIFER

The question is: How well did she know her owner?

UPDATE ON HOUDINI THE "VERY MELLOW" ELECTRIC-BLANKET-EATING SNAKE

Houdini is doing better.

UPDATED UPDATE: Here's a photo, pre-surgery, courtesy of Jessica Adelman)

STRUMPETING UPDATE

Ridley and I have enjoyed our stay on the quaint and friendly island of Martha's Vineyard, but now we must leave for our next stop, Washington, D.C. Fortunately there is a direct flight.

BEAM ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE, SCOTTY

(Thanks to Evan Dolive)

AUSTRALIAN MOTORISTS

They can be stupid resourceful.

(Thanks to Candy Tutt)

STRUMPDATE

This is Ridley and me at the Martha's Vineyard event with the legendary Punkin Poo, who turned out to be way more legendary than we even imagined.

WHEN APPLESAUCE IS OUTLAWED

...only outlaws will have applesauce.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

WHY YOU NEVER SEE PYTHONS AND ELECTRIC BLANKETS TOGETHER IN THE WILD

They are natural enemies.

(Thanks to queensbee)

YAY

(Thanks to all the strumpeting)

PROOF THAT IT'S ALL THE BLOG'S FAULT

Here you go.

(Thanks to alert but cautious Nancy Miller)

MOST UNBELIEVABLE STATEMENT BY AN ATTORNEY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD

"I'm partly to blame for that."

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

ART BUCHWALD UPDATE

Ridley and I went to see Art, who's spending the summer at his home here on Martha's Vineyard and working on a book.  I'm happy to report that not only is he not dead, but he's still one of the funniest people on the planet.

AHEAD OF THE PACK

The Blog's been saying his work has nothing to do with journalism for YEARS.

(Thanks again to Chaz)

WE'RE EXPECTING A LITTLE TURBULENCE AHEAD

But first, a word from our sponsors...

(Thanks to queensbee)

UPCHUCK UPDATE: Are they sure it's not caused by ill-advised bikini wearing?

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

THIS MUST BE STOPPED

(Via Gizmodo)

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys see what needs to be done, and they do it.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ATTENTION, KINSALE NATIVES

Be on the lookout.

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

KANGAROO UPDATE: Boy howdy, is our homeland ever secure.

(Thanks originally to Eren Brumley, who sent a longer story that may require registration)

O'ER THE RAMPARTS

Headline of the day.

(Thanks to wolfie, who asks, "Isn't supporting boobs a normal political activity already?")

THIS IS NOT FUNNY

So please do not laugh, except maybe a little at the headline. Thank you.

(Thanks to Chaz)

BOOK-STRUMPETING UPDATE

Ridley and I are on our way to strumpet for our book in Martha's Vineyard. We've never been there, but we hear it's a beautiful place, with interesting wildlife.

BRITISH JUSTICE

It can be harsh.

(Thanks to Grant McEwen)

A LESSON IN COURTESY

This letter was sent anonymously via snailmail (It goes without saying that it was printed and double-spaced on three pages of lined spiral-notebook paper, doesn't it?):

Dave Barry,

Not everyone knows you've quit your humor column, and the repeats are so annoying.

Will you please be courteous enough to notify all who carry your column, and begin with the one listed below?

The Chattanooga Times Free Press
Be courteous enough
Please contact:
M___ K____ via email at:
{email address}

or drop a letter to him at:

PO Box 1447
Chattanooga TN 37401

or by fax at:
{fax number}

Please be courteous enough to readers and other writers to vacate your repeats so we can enjoy new writings, Be courteous enough, and new writers can have room to work, learn, and grow. Treat others the way you would like to be treated if you were at the barn door, and someone else blocked it unnecessarily and repeatedly.

Thank you. It will be deeply appreciated.

Dave, have you been blocking the barn door again?

TUESDAY'S CRIME REPORT

Who cares what they do with it? We want to know how they got it home.

(Thanks to wolfie)

UNRELATED (as far as we know) CRIME UPDATE

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHAT TIME IS IT?

Time to move.

RIBBIT

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

STRUMPETING UPDATE

We had another excellent event in New York last night. A large squadron of blog personnel came and brought gifts, including Erdinger brand beer refreshing beverages and (I am not making this up) a handsome display case containing the penis bones of a mink, a fox, a coyote and a raccoon. (Yes! Apparently minks have penises!) Shown below in an exclusive photo taken with the exclusive CrapCam with the exclusive Out-o-Focus feature is the entire group with Ridley and me, and a woman with her head on a stick:

Addendum de Tinkerbell:

24

Здесь параметры периметра от 21 часа стоградусных восточных схем downloading время:

Ручка хуторянина все еще держится плененным на борту китайского фрахтовщика, "subplot морей." Audrey может выходить для другой выставки altogether, благодарит Бога Едгар все еще нажимает вверх маргаритки, или по возможности ест их. Мы даем вам теперь amazing Steve.

LITERARY ITEM¹ OF THE DAY

¹Other than Peter and the Shadow Thieves, of course.

(Thanks to Jeff Luhrs)

HEADLINE OF THE AFTERNOON

"Do I hear $27.50?"

(Thanks to gretchen cs)

URGENT 24 UPDATE

Next season, Wayne will be the president.

(Thanks to Tim Hiltabiddle)

Also, this blog has learned that Edgar will still be dead.

ARE THOSE THE EGGS OF AN ENDANGERED BIRD SPECIES IN YOUR UNDERWEAR?

Or are you just happy to see me?

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

CRIME REPORT HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Joel Srebnick)

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

Number 8,47aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

(Thanks to Andy the tropichunt.com guy)

WHILE THE BLOG'S AWAY...

We ladies love to have our productivity¹ enhanced.

(Thanks to Qween Puler)

¹(if you catch our drift.)

UPDATE

(Sent in by everyone in the known universe. You know who you are.)

BOOK-STRUMPETING UPDATE

Ridley and I are now strumpeting for our book in New York City, because, as the song goes:

If you can make it there
You will still be unable to make it across town

It's very hot here. Pigeons are exploding in midair. But we don't care. We're having a terrific time, and I will tell you why: our publisher is paying for it.

FASCISM UPDATE

Now they're taking away our right to throw things at gators.

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

We hope these festival goers are using separate hands.

GUYS: MAKING THE WORLD BETTER IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY

When guys do something, they do it right.

STRUMPETING UPDATE

We're running into some famous celebrities on the book-strumpeting tour. The photo below was sent by blogperson Nora, who took it at the  Vero Beach event, where Ridley and I were welcomed by (from left) Carl Hiaasen and Johnny Depp.

We're just kidding, of course. Hiaasen is a cardboard cutout.

GUYS IN SPACE, PART III

After all that work, it's time to take a break breather.

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

A GRATEFUL WORLD REJOICES

Poo Poo is home.

WORLD CUPDATE

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

STRUMPETING UPDATE

We had a very nice event today at Vero Beach. Active blog participant Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa brought us chocolate and Official Corona Beer underwear, which we can be seen wearing in this photo:

BOOK STRUMPETING UPDATE

We had a fine event tonight. Somebody brought us an enormous brassiere, which is a huge literary honor. It almost NEVER happens to John Updike.

ATTENTION, DEPROGRAMMERS

You've got your work cut out for you.

(Thanks to Mike)

CREEPING FASCISM

Now they want to take away our fundamental human right to sunbathe naked with a rat terrier.

(Thanks to Wendy Cloyd)

GUYS IN SPACE, PART II

First they were duct-taping; now they're spackling.

(Thanks to Addicted to Crack 24)

ADVISORY FOR MEN

This is very bad.

(Via Gizmodo)

USE THE INTERNET SAFELY

...or get shot in the thigh.

(Thanks to Hennessy)

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE S.B.

This is illegal. (Who knew?)

(Thanks to 24-aholic)

A MESSAGE TO PUTIN'S PR ADVISORS

This didn't help.

(Thanks to Sarah J., first among many.)

LAW ENFORCEMENT TIP OF THE DAY

(Thanks to DavCat14)

ADVISORY

Blogging from me will be sporadic for the next two weeks because Ridley and I will be out strumpeting for our new book. We hope to see some of you out there, and possibly steal your underwear, because after a week or so on the road ours will be disgusting.

I will have the exclusive CrapCam with me, and will try to document any significant events that occur on the tour.

RELIGION UPDATES

We have an Allah egg, and we have revelations from Jesus on eBay.

(Thanks to xmnr and Susan Kosior, respectively)

CRIMINAL CHARGE OF THE DAY SO FAR

Illegal dumping of televisions and a deer carcass.

ATTENTION, ACTIVISTS IN SEARCH OF A CAUSE

Here you go.

(Thanks to Doug Hamilton)

#1 STUDY THE SB IS GLAD NOT TO HAVE BEEN INVITED TO PARTICIPATE IN

(Thanks to hennessy)

THESE DANGED CELL PHONES

Now they are threatening primates in the Congo.

Update: North Carolina has responded by banning them, as well as teens, if we are reading this headline correctly.

TiVo ALERT AND BAND NAME

Killer Squid

MEANWHILE IN HUNGARY

The crisis worsens.

SNAKE TERRORISM UPDATE

They're traveling by airmail, and they're working with birds to destroy our infrastructure.

ADVISORY

The blog appears to be working again. We had some kind of problem yesterday with our servers, most likely a buildup of RAM in the carburetor, but all seems to be well now, except that occasionally αρχίζουμε στα ελληνικά. Other than that we are ready to resume being Your Number One Source for news you need to know.

TO THOSE WHO WERE WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BLOG TODAY

We suspect the demon duck of doom.¹

(Thanks to many fangeroos.)

¹Which would, of course, BAGNFARB.

BOO UPDATE

Please note that "Bedraggled Rump" WBAGNFARB.

(Thanks to Craig McAdie)

GUYS IN SPACE

Key Quote:

Astronauts Piers Sellers and Mike Fossum also prepared for their third and final spacewalk, which included possibly using duct tape to fix a safety-jet backpack that came loose from Sellers while he repaired the international space station during a spacewalk Monday.

(Thanks to Marc Garczynski)

ATTENTION SHOPPERS!

Here is your one-stop site for weird products that seem to have something to do with fish, including KingGyo-no-Hung Goldfish's excrement, Hai-Gyo Lungfish and of cours the Na-Uchi-Bou Fish Beating Stick, which, if it is not already the name for a rock band, should be.

(Via Gizmodo)

ADVISORY TO PEOPLE PLANNING TO ATTEND THE SAGO FESTIVAL

Eat before you go.

AND THE SO-CALLED "DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE" DOES NOTHING

A huge scandal in Ohio.

ADVISORY TO PREGNANT WOMEN

Stay out of bed.

24

Ist hier die Situation auf dem Umkreis ab 2100 Stunden Ostschenkel Shootin ' Zeit:

Jack "der Handgriff des Landwirts" Bauer wird NOCH gehalten sichernd an Bord eines enormen chinesischen Subplotfrachters, "das Wonton der Meere." Audrey ist noch eine sniveling kleine Spitzmaus. Edgar ist noch tot. Für weitere Updates drehen wir Sie jetzt rüber zum erstaunlichen Steve. Wir selbst gehen zum snork hinunter irgendein Erdinger.

WHY IT'S GOOD TO BE A JUDGE

You can take action.

(Thanks to Wes Crago)

GET THE CHAMPAGNE READY, 24 FANS

Audrey may be out! See the last question here.

(Thanks to Jon Doeringer)

We also have this item (thanks to Tori Lennox).

Please note that this is not the traditional 9 p.m. Eastern 24 post. That post will be posted at 9 p.m. Eastern.

CITY NAME OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Sorry; it's not at all a funny story but...)

(Thanks to 24-aholic)

HE WILL VETO LEGISLATION BY TINKLING ON IT

Brinkley for governor.

A DREAM COME TRUE

Except nobody wants 'em THAT big.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

PHUKET NEWS

(Thanks to Philintexas)

PC DUDES STRIKE BACK

(VIa Gizmodo)

LONG-FORETOLD SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE APPEARS IN LOUISIANA

The cuculoupe.

(Thanks to Andy the Tropic Hunt Guy)

EDUCATION UPDATE

Vietnamese students spend big dong on cheating gear.

(Thanks to queensbee)

ADVISORY

Sorry about the light posting today, but judi is back, and she is making me work.

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Snail Venom

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

THE NEWS FROM RUSSIA

It is not good.

NEWS STORY EXPLAINS HOW "CUTE" CELL-PHONE RINGS DRIVE CO-WORKERS CRAZY BY GIVING THEM EARWORMS OF SONGS LIKE "ICE ICE BABY"

Here's the thing: I read the story, and I totally agreed with it, except guess what: I got the "Ice Ice Baby" earworm from the freaking story. That is just wrong.

And speaking of wrong: According to this site, the lyrics to "Ice Ice Baby" include the following statement:

Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly

Flow like a harpoon? Daily and nightly? Can that possibly be right?

CANADIAN NEWS UPDATE

They are just out of control up there.

CANADIANS

The cluelessness continues.

Key Name That This Blog Is Not Making Fun Of: "Assiniboine"

HORN-TOOTING

Ridley and I, in preparation for our upcoming strumpetfest book tour, are interviewed in today's Miami Herald, which also has a photo of us in which we definitely look like a pair of brokeback buccaneers, not that there is anything wrong with that.

On a much more serious note, Mrs. Blog had a fine column today, if this blog does say so itself.

This blog apologizes in advance if you have to register to read these.

AND STILL THE SO-CALLED "FEDERAL GOVERNMENT" DOES NOTHING

They're putting ice cream into perfectly good beer.