MIAMI VS. DALLAS

An extremely objective analysis.

Comments

[anon]

Haha

[Punkin Poo]

Fair and balanced.

[Jeff Meyerson]

Shaquille O'Neal, who, at age 52, is still going strong, despite the fact that many of his free-throw attempts wind up on other planets.

Oh so true, Dave. I think Shaq is the first player to hit Pluto with a free throw attempt.

But that's because practicing free throws is for pussies.

[rickh]

it was fun to read an actual Dave column.

but it's JUNE!

and the finals are just beginning.

NBA

Numbingly Boring Athletics

[daisymae]

Major snorkage @ Dave.

This is a dream match-up. Why? Because all my relatives live in Dallas, Austin & Houston. They are Texanatics, especially about sports.

Go Heat!

Oh, yes, fourth!

[daisymae]

or fifth and sixth...whatever...

[Cheesewiz]

Rare & jaundiced.

Ho Geat!

[philintexas]

ROFL... Dave...you nailed Dallas...All hat and no cattle. Errr...when you tour Dallas, floor it through the straightaways, swerve a lot ...and keep the top up! Welcome to Texas!

[ASK the Clearly Deranged in Dallas]

Hmm. You caught me on the way to work - I'll have to give a real reply later.

Please, Dave - if there is anything that Texans have to learn early, its how to beat the heat.

[obi wan]

"Dallas, for its part, has a total of five Neiman Marcuses"... or, as it was called during the penance phase of my life when I lived in Dallas, "Needless Markup"...

And *SNORKS to "Gateway to Fort Worth"- trust me, THAT'LL get the goats (um, ooopppss, sorry for sending out THAT visual, fellow bloglits...) of everybody in Dallas!

[slyeyes]

I thought I had successfully blocked out the memory of changing planes in Dallas. Now it all comes flooding back.

Thanks.

And ROFL

[Suzy Q]

Go, Heat!

And DAVE: Good for you for hosting the Special Olympics Awards event tonight. I support SO, too.

But, how are you going to watch the game and do this, too? I have a feeling there will be a leetle TV up on the podium with you.

[Moe]

First, go Mavs. Secondly, as someone who grew up in Dallas, I was appalled at this story. I firmly stand behind the official city motto: "At least you're not in Houston!"

[Somewhere North]

Personally I love the picture of Shaquille with the other guy. Its like Dr. Evil and Mini-Me.

And if you don't have cows and you drive an SUV on your way to your job as an Accounting Executive, you're not a cowboy. What's with the hat? (Incidentally, they do that in Calgary too.)

[southerngirl]

Dave, do you live in Miami, by any chance? ;)

Both have drawbacks: Miami is vulnerable to hurricanes, whereas Dallas is completely surrounded by Texas.

*snork*

(sorry, ASK, but that's funny.)

and if there is anything that Texans have to learn early, its how to beat the heat.

excellent!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

It's a column--it's so funny--it's so DAVE!
YAY DAVE !!!

("flagrantly artificial upthrusting bazoomage" Hilarious! Did you put that in just for the guys on the blog?)

[KDF]

*awaits further commentary from The Clearly Deranged one*

*high fives southerngirl, 'cause that's just what we do* ;)

Great article, Dave. I'm cheering for whichever team whose win will result in another article by The Blog.

Perhaps Dave's report on the Heat v. Mavs series could be combined with a review of the magical counting bottle opener, complete with Dave's final tally of uncapped brewskis.

[Sarah J]

YAY! for Dave writing having (2!!) articles in one month!!!

[Punkin Poo]

Do you think we could get some of Shaq's old shoes? We here in New England have lots of families who are homeless due to flooding - and they need a nice place to live. I think we could fit a family of 4 into one of those puppies!

[fudtheman]

Holy Crap!® I've done that plane change thing @ DFW! What is it about moving sidewalks that always make me want to run down the one going in the OPPOSITE direction of where I'm headed?

[southerngirl]

*high fives KDF and waits with her for commentary*

but KDF, do ya really think Dave'll have any uncapped brewskis left? ;)

[Addicted to 24]

Dear Dave,
I hope and pray that the refs dont to do to the Heat what they did to my beloved SEAHAWKS and steal their justly deserved title. HOW WAS THAT HOLDING REF HUH WHY DONT YOU COME TO SEATTLE AND EXPLAIN YOURSELF!!!! Sorry I am still working on my anger issues but the drugs I have perscribed are starting to work 8^) NO WAY WAS THAT OFFENSIVE PASS INTERFERNCE REF HOW MUCH MONEY DID THE ROONEY'S PAY YOU???? Sorry I need to get my meds refilled. Anyway I will be rooting for the Heat this year as you have the great GARY PAYTON who helped my Sonics go to the finals where they got to meet the Bulls who had won 72 games that year despite the fact that Dennis Rodman had more piercings that skin. So I really want THE GREAT GARY PAYTON to finally get his championship ring. Also I work a certain cruise line that is owned by a other cruise line whose CEO is one Micky Arison who is a fine distingushed gentleman. So to end this I would like to say HOW WAS THAT A TOUCHDOWN REF THAT BALL WAS LIKE 6 INCHES FROM THE LINE AND THEIR SO CALLED QB WENT ON LETTERMAN AND SAID HE DIDNT MAKE IT IN!!! OH YOU HAD BETTER NOT COME TO SEATTLE.

[Darla]

Even though I am from Dallas, I read Dave's article keeping in mind that good-natured sports ribbing is all in fun. Therefore I decided not to mention that at a Mavs games you are unlikely to be shot by 3000 angry young men brandishing AK-47's who disagree with the ref's call of personal foul.

I feel I know a lot about Miami because one of my favorite tv shows is called "The First 48" wherein camera crews follow real detectives trying to solve homicide cases. Miami is featured quite prominently in this show so I feel I should give a shout out to the fine detectives of Miami homicide department. There is also a fine show called Dallas Swat where cameras follow Dallas Swat teams as they bust in doors and drive around in armored vehicles. I have to give the action edge to Dallas Swat, and the investigation edge to Miami.

Yes, Mark Cuban can come off as an ass, but here in Dallas we say, what the hell, at least it's not Jerry Jones.

Go Mavs!

[Sarah J]

Wow, Calm down Ato24. It's okay. Really, it is.

[John T.]

I don't know, Dave. I really think you need to give the Heat more of a chance. ;-)

[russell]

yes, yes, Those of us in TX tend to root for our teams, and some of us do commit fashion mistakes, but

at least
TX roads
are safer
than Florida's

[Nobody]

You're all missing a crucial element of this issue. The Miami team is called the "Heat". What the heck kind of team is called that? Do they have Marvin the Mirage as their mascot? If they lose, do they blame the humidity? The Mavericks aren't much better, but at least they can be visually represented by something.

For what it's worth, I'm not a fan of either team and don't really pay attention to the NBA. It just takes valuable TV time from the World Cup. :)

[Bella]

As a Texan and a SPURS fan, I'm rooting for Miami! Loved the article and hate Mark Cuban! I hope Shaq steps on Dirk and squishes him on the way to the basket...

[Bill]

As a Floridian leaving in this goat ranch gateway; GO HEAT!

[O. the U(manity)]

WTD from russell's first link:

"... fluids leading ..." ???

WTD?

[Brian]

Nice one, I thiank my lucky stars that, by living in Dallas, I dont have to change planes at D/Fw (Not even in Dallas btw, real folks in Dallas use Love Field, but...) In any case, I got a great laugh, for both citys.
wishing we had a beach, Brian, Dallas.

[fivver]

Jeez, they're still playing basketball? If the NBA had been in charge of WWII, Germany and Japan would still be in the running!

[David]

Funny; but sad. Mostly because Barry showed nothing but weaknesses and no strengths. For example...disrespectful, humorous but not hillarious (don't think about a career in comedy!), filled with inaccuracies (I've counted those bazooms and Dallas wins!), lack of research (Texas has more corporate headquarters than any other state in the U.S.; and Dallas has more than half of those. Last; if the NBA (like other pro sports) is about money and marketing, then Cuban wins hands down! Dallas in 5 games!

[Eddie]

You're an ass. I never have considered you any kind of a writer, which is why you probably live in Miami. Everyone else has a high enough IQ to not read your trash. Dallas kicks Miami in every sense, except in the Cocaine market. Is that why people read your articles? The Mavs are a much more talented team. If the refs steal the series from anyone, it will be from Dallas. Shaq has gotten away with more fouls than anyone in the history of the game.

Get ready for a good old fashioned Texas Ass Whupping!!!!!!

And for the whiney spurs fans on the blog, LOSERS!!!! You cheated your way into your championships.

[JaLaG]

“(C)riticism from Dallas fans.”

Nothing could be further from the truth. We all understand your reasons for the exact language that was used in the piece. Dave Barry fans in the Dallas area should find this article truly one of the best written by our favorite trained humor professional in the past 2 weeks. Nothing is funnier (other than your conclusion) than the reference to Miami’s “spectacular natural beauty, its exploding cultural scene, its vibrant nightlife, its sizzling Latin-Caribbean energy, its booming economy”. These statements are clearly humorous exaggerations of the over-built, crime infested, hand-gun laced drug culture that is Miami’s chief economic engine. Brilliant!
I suspect part of being a trained humor professional, of which I am not one, is knowing just exactly how much humor to put into a piece without offending an audience. After all, humor is just gentle “teasing”. Too much humor can seem mean spirited and petty. So I am sure this is the reason you left out the humor of South Florida’s wonderful animal beauty, like the Shaq-sized cockroaches, jogger-eating alligators and swimmer chomping sharks, not to mention the displaced New York Jewish lawyers who, while intriguing, are the most vicious of all Florida wildlife. While extremely funny, some people in S. Florida would find this offensive, that is, if they could read English.
Which brings me to this point, this piece was not written for the typical Miamian, as it was written in English. So I know it was written in code to your faithful Dallas fans so that we all know that deep in you heart you are saying “GO MAVS!!!”

[blurkernomore]

Eddie,
After reading your post I was going to simply ignore it. However, I cannot. It is brutally apparent by your too numerous to mention grammatical errors that you were educated in Texas.
"Everyone else has a high enough IQ to not read your trash." That is not only a supreme example of a very poorly written sentence it is also an insult to yourself. If you don't like Dave leave the blog to those of us who do. In a final thought, you capitalized the word "cocaine", do you hold that particular substance in that high regard?

[ASKtCD]

Well said Brian! But I have been to Miami, NYC, LA, Chicago, and DC just to change planes too.

To a couple of others - guys, I'm as rednecked Texan as it gets, but you are way off base and seem to be going out of your way to prove that Dallas has no class. Please show your love for Texas, Dallas, and the Mavs without the unneccessary name calling. Mavs in 5 is a good call - don't make everyone ignore your good prediction by putting the bad stuff around it.

[ASKtCD]

Gee Blurker - agreed in principle, but as a Texas educator who travels across the country to show others how it is supposed to be done, I'd have to ask why you have to add insult to insult?

[blurkernomore]

No offense meant ASKtCD. I read the rule book before I posted and it clearly stated that I had to throw an obligatory Texas insult in there.

[ASKtCDaAC]

As long as it is within the rules - I can take it.

[Dave]

David -- Good point, about the corporate headquarters! Just curious: Does that total still include Enron?

[KDF]

I love you, Dave Barry.

[Meanie the Blue]

Target audience: offended Texans and others who might ever be caught in the sights of a Dave Barry article.

Key terms and concepts to remember:

- Objective Journalism vs. Humor Writing
- Florida Resident
- Daily Poster of Satirical Items About Florida
- Tongue in Cheek
- Perspective

[O. the U(manity)]

Whut surprises me about a couple of those posts above, is that the Texans are actually willing to admit they have all those corporate headquarters there in TX, and in Dallas ...

Most other places would be ashamed of those facts ... merely sayin' ...

[Tanpopo]

I also work for a certain cruise line that is owned by another cruise line whose CEO is one Micky Arison and I am pleased to learn what a fine and distingushed gentleman he apparently is. ;)

(One of these days I have to figure out how to embed links - oh well!)

[Eleanor]

Eddie (or whoever you are)

It's not nice to call Dave names on Dave's blog. As a matter of fact, it's quite rude. If you want to do that, get your own blog.

[Dave]

Eleanor -- Thanks for the defense, but I really don't mind comments like Eddie's. They're entertaining, and (at least the way I see it) they say a lot more about Eddie than about me.

[Meanie the Blue]

Tanpopo - to link do this:

<A HREF="paste your link's complete URL here between the quotes, and keep the quotes around it">put the desired onscreen text for the link in here without quotes</A>

Make sure there is a space between A and HREF, no spaces elsewhere except within the onscreen text.

[TC]

I, for one, do not have a high enough IQ to not read Dave's "trash" (to quote the illustrious Eddie, who is obviously way smarter than me)

and that's the way i like it

[Tanpopo]

Ooh, thanks, Meanie! :)

[JaLaG]

Dave

<>

Enron was in Houston, (and remember the Dallas motto - "At least you're not in Houston.")

We have the ol' double cross - Exxon!!!
And that thing about people from Dallas don't use DFW Airport. It's not actually the airport at fault, the fault lays with the airline that rhymes with Bamerican, and is going to get a bazillion dollars in free advertisement since both arenas sold(out) their naming rights to that airline. BTW, that airline is also based in the Dallas area, ha,ha.

[julietin]

You go Dave!...That was funny about Enron!....

[ASK, the Clearly Deranged]

Still willing to make that bet, Dave.

[Addicted to 24]

Dave,
Once again you have proven that you are THE MAN sir.

[Addicted to 24]

By the way is that a mullet?
Still GO HEAT!!!!!!!!!!

[southerngirl]

Dave, you can make fun of my state if you want to, and I promise I'll laugh.

in fact, you want me to send you some material?

[ASK, the Clearly Deranged]

SG, do you know the Clarence and Boudreaux joke?

[Jay Young]

As to your Dallas bashing- The only things your retirment home of a city has going for it is an excess of coked up former LA "celebs" more old people than Country Buffett on Sunday morning, and a plethera of horribly, horribly ugly art deco, pretencious, nightclubs to entertain your pseudo-celebrity, Southern California wannabes with your excess of cocaine. The only thing wrong with Miami is it is surrounded by that disgusting swamp of a state you call Florida. Grow some oranges, take a geriatric couple out for dinner at 4PM, and ingest some of your South Florida nose candy! Judging by your prediction you have already heeded my advice. Cokehead!

[Fax Paladin]

Re: "At least you're not in Houston": One suspects that the Houston Chronicle will give much more prominent coverage to the NBA finals than the Dallas Morning News infamously did back during the Jordan Interregnum, when the news of the Houston Rockets winning the title was relegated to an inside page. Snootiness can be cute; full-blown arrogance, not so much.

But that was a decade and change back, and besides, I generally like Mark Cuban. Go Mavericks.

[Addicted to 24]

Wow Jay young has some issues. For the record I would take coked up former celebs over a Right Wing wacko president who must pander to his base to get the votes anyday.

Also Oklahoma is way better than texas.

[ASK the Clearly Deranged]

Dave - Is it too late to mention that maybe you should just stand aside and let Mrs. Blog do the sports analysis?

[O. the U(manity)]

ASK - that would be my guess ... (that it's too late ... when has that ever stopped Dave ... or any of us bloglits, for that matter?)

[24-aholic]

Wow - reading that blog was like a roller coaster - up one minute, ducking the next.

Dave, Ohio is up for any and all insults you can hurl at us.

For starters, how about the fact that OSU just hiked up it's already astronomical tuition rates so we can (over)pay our football coach and settle the lawsuit with our criminal ex-basketball coach!

[Margarita]

Column is dead on! I'm a Miamian living in Dallas, moved here from the Sunshine State two years ago and the first few months where hell. Who in their right mind builds a city in the midddle of nowhere? No ocean, no river, no nothin'. You look east there's nothing, you look west, there's nothing but mesquite bushes. Plus, the crime is so much more colorful in SoFla. And ain't no cafe con leches here for miles. Plus, we got Elian and Publix.

Alas, Dallas has grown on me and I was rooting for Dirk and the rest of the Mavs, but after reading the column I may just have to switch sides.

[Brian]

An to really throw a wrench into the whole thing, Texans can bash Oklahoma using a Miami blog!
Oldest joke ever Addicted to 24
Why dosnt Texas fall into the Gulf of Mexico?
wait for it.....
cause Oklahoma sucks.
now back to Miami...
or corperate relocations in Dallas or Tarrent county....

[Mark]

Dave can not live in Miami. Seriously Dave, have you been to this place. Shaq's armpits after 4qtrs are less humid. Even Houston is more comfortable.
Thankfully, after the MAVS crush the Heat, there are plenty of drugs to numb your brains.

[Addicted to 24]

Snork @ Brian 8^)~

[fudtheman]

Margarita - Dirk? Dirk Digler?

[Seth]

OUCH! I know you are but what am I? The only thing you left out was a "your mama" joke. Oh and before you get too high on Shaq, just remember, Dallas was Shaq's first choice! But I'll give you a break because, from your photo, I can tell that you obviously have downs. Mavericks in five.

[Addicted to 24]

70th

[Addicted to 24]

By the way I am really bored right now.

[fudtheman]

me too, Ato. 72.

[island107]

Hey, don't bash Oklahoma! I'm from there. Go Heat (I live in Florida now). Go Shaq!

[ASK the Clearly Deranged]

UPDATE - MAVS play worst half in playoffs history - and still lead the lukewarm by 2!

[bbescuela]

I was hoping for a Dallas win just for the guilty pleasure of seeing David Stern hand the hardware to Mark Cuban, but some of the Mavs fans who have posted here have me rethinking my position.

Yes...I've decided that allowing sixth graders to have internet access really is a bad idea.

[JaLaG]

Oh, yea.
Dave forgot to mention that Dallas has not lost a game to the weak East all year.
That now includes tonight.
They get to try again on Sunday.
GOOD LUCK!!

[Mavsfan_Seattle]

Hey Dave...is your hairpiece still in place after tonight's game?

BTW, it's 9:03 Pacific Time and Oklahoma still sucks.

The Heat is Soooooo Eastern Conference...can't shoot free throws, fat, slow and old.

You had your chance to steal one Miami...Nowitzki and Howard won't have another game like this.

Go Mavs!

[Mary]

As a Dallas native and Mavs enthusiast, I must add in my two cents. I understand where Dave was going with this, but it definitely wasn't that funny. However, if I were from Miami, I'd find it hilarious. But, seeing as how there are much better things to poke fun at here in Dallas, I'm kind of sad you didn't find them.

I actually wasn't going to comment until I saw someone say that Oklahoma was better than Texas. To that, I say "HA!"

Go Mavs.

[WriterDude]

Sheesh. Too bad the trolls wouldn't let Darla and Brian set the tone. Considering my part-time, late-night status here, fellow bloglits, may I invite Darla and Brian back for game two?

Dave, I applaud your attitude of "it says more about" them. But I still feel compelled to point out that it takes a special kind of ignorance to visit the blog of a Pulitzer Prize winner and call him a "cokehead".

So, congratulations, jay young. Your souvenir drool bib and helmet await you at the door.

[slyeyes]

Regarding the cowboy hat thing. Could someone please explain Don Imus? (and are the rumo(u)rs true that he is the father of Chloe's scowl and Ted Happy-Grabber's Mullet?

The above photo of him does not have him wearing his cowboy hat that is normally the size of broadcast studio. He's in NYC, fer chrissakes.

(Sorry, El. I know he's one of your idols.)

[ASK the Clearly Deranged]

I never snork - but if I did:

*SNORK* @ WriterDude for special kind of ignorance