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June 26, 2006


Here are the plot parameters inside the perimeter as of 2100 hours Eastern Steve Time:

Jack Bauer is being held captive aboard a freighter by Chinese actors who are still ticked off about a subplot from the previous season that most of us don't even remember. Audrey is still devastated. Edgar is still dead.

Because this blog has a wide international readership, we have translated this plot summary into French using Babel Fish:

Jack Bauer est jugé captif à bord d'un cargo par les acteurs de Chinese qui sont encore faits tic tac outre environ d'une intrigue secondaire de la saison précédente que la plupart d'entre nous ne se rappelle pas même. Audrey est encore dévasté. Edgar est encore mort.

For our many German-speaking readers, we have translated the French translation into German:

Bauer-Klinke wird an Bord eines Frachtflugzeuges durch die Beteiligten von Chinese für gefangen gehalten, die noch TAC-Tick außer ungefähr einer sekundären Intrige der vorhergehenden Saison gemacht werden, daß die Mehrzahl unter uns sich nicht sogar erinnert an. Audrey wird noch verwüstet. Edgar ist noch gestorben.

In case any of our French readers missed it the first time, here is the German translation translated back to French:

La poignée d'agriculteur est tenue pour recueillie au panneau d'un avion de fret par les participants du Chinois qui sont faits encore à des TAC-Tick excepté environ un lopin secondaire de la saison précédente que la majorité parmi nous ne se rappelle même pas dessus. Le Audrey est encore ravagé. Edgar est encore mort.

We just realized that we probably also have many Greek readers, so here is the French retranslation translated into Greek:

Η χούφτα του αγρότη κρατιέται για συλλεχθέν στην πηνακίδα ενός αεροπλάνου του ναύλου από τους συμμετέχοντες του Κινέζου που γίνονται ακόμη σε ένα Tac-Tick εξαιρουμένου περίπου μια δευτεροβάθμια συναρμολόγηση του προηγούμενου εποχή ότι η πλειοψηφία μεταξύ μας δεν θυμάται μάλιστα ανωτέρω. Το Audrey καταστρέφεται ακόμη.  Edgar έχει πεθάνει ακόμη.

And just in case any French readers are just now joining us:

La poignée de l'agriculteur est gardée pour collectionné à pinakj'da d'un avion nay'loy  de participants du Chinois qui deviennent encore à TAC-TICK approximativement un montage du second degré exclu du précédent époque que la majorité entre nous ne se rappelle pas même ci-dessus. Le Audrey est détruit encore. Edgar est mort encore.

In case you forgot what this is about, we will translate it back to English:

The handle of the farmer is kept for collected with pinakj' da of a plane nay' loy of participants of the Chinese who still becomes with TAC-TICK roughly an assembly of the second degree excluded from preceding the time that the majority between us does not remember even above. The Audrey is still destroyed. Edgar still died.

If ONLY Audrey is still destroyed. And if only Edgar is not still died. But we cannot think about those things now. Now is the time to think about the handle of the farmer.


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Yay Dave, translator extraordinaire! Waiting inside the perimeter parameter, sir! *salute*

Ut-whay about-way uh-thay est-ray of-way us-way?

Japanese translation: "All your parameters are belong to us."

From a purely esthetic perspective, I like the Greek translation best.

Ha! The software thinks my posting is comment spam. (I think I know what it doesn't like). Very astute software. Chloe must have programmed it.



Here are the plot parameters inside the perimeter as of 2100 hours Eastern Steve Time:

...and judging by how the plot parameters got lost in translation, even Dave can't successfully maintain a CTU perimeter.

The handle of the farmer is wicked scary. Please make it go away. Perhaps we could put up a perimeter????


I've been waiting almost 2 years to use that.

No More Handle of the Farmer! Put it away! My eyes, my eyes.....

The following might have happened between 11 am and 12 noon, but we’re not really sure because the tests haven’t come back yet.

11:00 a.m. (2pm Eastern) – Jack hands the “Hurricane Edgar” note to Chloe, and calls Bill at CTU via the Jackphone. Curtis wants to know how Edgar becoming a football player will hurt anything. Jack puts Bill on speaker and asks where Edgar is headed. Bill says he thinks Edgar is headed for “utter doom”, and Chloe laughs because she says she remembers seeing cows in a video game with that name. Jack yells at both of them to quit acting goofy, and Curtis jumps in and says that to do that they’d have to drive four hours north and audition. Bill asks Jack what he’s worried about, since Chloe’s homing signal is within 10 feet of them and everything is fine. Jack spots the homing signal device the Chloe built, laying on the ground.

11:02 – Ex-president Manilow walks down to one end of the mall where a number of the stores appear to be closed. Strange music is coming out of one of them. It appears to be some sort of novelty store. He checks the door to see if it’s open, and after pushing on it with all his might, realizes that it opens towards him and goes in.

11:03 – (2:03 Eastern) Jack, Chloe and Curtis are looking toward the east trying to figure out where RoboEdgar might have gone. A small crowd of Herald Hunt participants start to gather behind them, to try to see what Jack, Chloe and Curtis are looking at. Chloe says that RoboEdgar must be getting low on fuel. Jack asks what “fuel”, and Chloe looks at him like he just opened an e-mail attachment without having a virus checker installed. Chloe explains that the reason Edgar must have attacked the donut shops and snack factory was to get enough energy to fly all the way to Miami. Curtis asks why, if that were true, did RoboEdgar end up with a nuclear device? Chloe is just about to make a snide remark to Curtis about this when she realizes that he’s right. Curtis “high fives” Jack, and writes down today’s date and time, and tells them they’re both witnesses. They all start walking towards the east, closer to the street, which is getting considerably louder than before.

11:05 – Audrey stumbles into CTU very dazed. She wanders past the guards, telling them that she’s Agent 99, and she’s there to see Max. She stumbles up the stairs to the CTU situation room, where lots of situations have happened. Bill asks where she’s been, and Audrey asks him if he knows the way to San Jose. Bill tells Harold that something is wrong with Audrey. Harold isn’t really sure how Bill can tell this, but he goes along with it anyway. Bill asks Audrey if she’s inebriated, and she tells him, no, she’s drunk. Harold takes a step closer to Audrey and realizes that she’s ticking! Harold points at her and says “Bomb!” and dives under the desk. Audrey giggles and says “Boom!” Bill thinks about what to do for a minute, sighs, and calls the bomb squad.

11:07 – A dyslexic convenience store.

11:08 – Bill explains the situation to the bomb squad. The guy from the bomb squad tries to convince Bill that waiting, oh, about 10 hours might help the bomb defuse. Bill considers this for a moment, and then tells them to get down there right away.


11:12 – Secretary Heller enters the office of VP Scary, who is arguing with one of the secret service agents. Scary is insisting on being called “Emperor”. The secret service agent turns to leave, rolls his eyes, and tells Heller “Good Luck”. Heller excuses himself from the room, and talks with some of the secret service agents, including Secret Service Agent Aaron.

11:13 – Bill and Harold frantically try to get Audrey to quit making sudden moves, but Audrey seems dead set on chasing them around the room yelling “Boom!”. The bomb squad arrives, and again asks Bill if he’s really sure they want them there. Audrey starts crying, and the bomb stops ticking. The room gets really quiet, except for a loud whining noise which makes everyone dive behind a table. The whining noise suddenly gets much louder when Audrey joins them all behind the table. Bill realizes the whining noise is actually Audrey. One of the bomb squad guys next to Bill looks over and sees that Audrey’s tears defused the bomb. The rest of the bomb squad looks pretty upset at this news.

11:13 – Manilow wanders around the dimly lit novelty shop, not noticing that the men in black suits that had been following him go right past the front door. The weird music continues to play. Manilow finds some pretty funny-looking masks, and tries one on. He looks in the mirror and thinks it’s a little odd, because doesn’t see the mask. It takes him a few seconds to realize that he just put a “President Manilow” mask on himself.

11:14 (1:14 Central) – We see Agent Morris at the last working pay phone in America, telling someone on the other end of the phone, “They booted me from the plane.”

11:15 – Secretary Heller bursts back into Scary’s office saying that a horrible tragedy just happened. Heller tells Scary that the mobile battle station they were building was just blown up by a teenager, a space pirate, and some kind of really tall monkey. Scary looks really mad, and says that Heller will have to pay the price for this. Scary points his hands at Heller and shakes them. Nothing happens. Scary looks at his hands, then at Heller and then points his hands at Heller again, shaking them harder this time. Scary mumbles something about a pilot light being out, as two hospital orderlies enter the room. They tell Scary that they’re here to give him a nice, new, tight-fitting white jacket with his name printed upside down so when it looks down he can read it easily. Scary points his hands at them, and nothing happens. They finally convince Scary to go with them by telling him they’re there to take him to an important Imperial Senate meeting, and if they don’t hurry, he’ll be late. They leave.

11:19 (2:19 Eastern) Jack, Curtis and Chloe are near the roadway, just standing there, wondering what to do next, and where Edgar might be trying to refuel. Off in the distance, a line of white cars are heading in their direction. A guy named Jim standing behind Jack says “Oh, this can’t be good”. Jack turns around and asks Jim why that would be. Jim says, “You have no idea. They get up early in the morning and drive around really slow to make us late while we try and get to work. Then when we try and get back home, they’re out again driving really slow. Forget about trying to catch an early dinner. Every restaurant is jammed. I haven’t gotten home before 7 pm or eaten at a restaurant before 8 pm in years. I don’t know why they’re out now, unless they thought they would be getting a lunch special some place. You don’t want to see them angry!” As the white cars get closer, we see there’s a very long line of them, and they’re swerving over all the lanes of traffic. This being Miami, many of the residents don’t seem to notice anything out of the ordinary, but Jack, Curtis and Chloe look nervous.

11:21 (2:21 Eastern) – Curtis points at the line of cars and tells Jack that they look like the same cars they told about the fake lunch special. The guy they’re with says they better get out of there because the people in those cars are going to be really mad. Jim says their only hope is to outrun them, or to stall them until 8 pm at which point they’ll all fall asleep. Chloe says that outrunning them seems to be a much better plan.

11:22 (2:22 Eastern) – Jack asks Jim to whether he has a car nearby. Jim takes them to his car, and Jack tells Jim that Curtis better drive because there might a lot of shooting, and high speed chases. Jim laughs, and tells them to get into the car. The car’s tires squeal on the way out of the parking lot, and as the wheels on the left side of the car go up in the air, Jim asks them where they want to go. Curtis tells Jim that he’s very impressed with his driving ability, and Jim confides that all drivers in Miami are taught to do this.

11:23 (2:23 Eastern) – Jack is talking with Chloe as Jim drives. They’re trying to figure out how RoboEdgar could possibly get enough food to get out to sea to become Hurricane Edgar. Jim says that cruise ships are probably their best bet. They head for the Port of Miami. Jack phones Bill, and Bill tells him that they’ve been able to trace RoboEdgar to one of the cruise ships that already left earlier in the day. Jack asks how Bill how he was able to do this. Bill tells Jack that they used a combination of satellites, sophisticated radar imaging, and the trail of empty potato chip bags they saw floating in the water.

11:25 (2:25 Eastern) – We see RoboEdgar standing on the deck of a cruise ship, wearing a “I Love to Cruise” t-shirt. We hear an announcement about the early afternoon snack being served on the Lido deck. There’s a stampede of people that head down to the Lido deck.


[ continued ]

Dave, Which one of the people in your "wide international readership" picture is Ridley?

11:29 (2:29 Eastern) – RoboEdgar is in line on the Lido deck, trying to blend in. An announcement over the PA system tells people there is a mid-afternoon buffet, and free skeet shooting on the Sports Deck. There’s a stampede of people that head up to the Sports Deck.

11:30 – Secretary Heller is standing near a presidential helicopter just outside of the LA presidential compound, talking to Secret Service Agent Aaron. Heller says that Aaron himself will have to take over as president temporarily until as suitable replacement can be found. Aaron says that under those conditions it could take a really long time, and that he hopes Heller has a better plan than that. Heller tells Aaron it should only take a short time. Heller takes off in the helicopter.

11:32 (2:32 Eastern) Up on the Sports Deck, RoboEdgar is standing in line for the buffet, wearing a first place blue ribbon for Skeet shooting. An announcement says that the “kind of early but really closer to mid-afternoon ice cream festival” is taking place just outside the [EDIT FOR BLOG SOFTWARE - area where people put money down in hopes of winning more by play games], and there’s a stampede of people as they head there.

11:33 (2:33 Eastern) – Jim’s car arrives at the Port of Miami with Jack, Chloe and Curtis. Jim points to the pink and turquoise helicopter and says that would be there best bet to get to the cruise ship. Curtis questions the color of the helicopter, and Jim says that in South Florida, it's the law. Jack thanks Jim for the ride.

11:34 (2:34 Eastern) – Jack, Chloe and Curtis approach the pilot of the helicopter, who is outside checking out the fuel lines. Jack shows the pilot his CTU badge, as Chloe and Curtis get into the helicopter. The pilot shows Jack his Captain Crunch ring. Jack tells the pilot that it’s vital to the country’s well-being that they get a ride to the cruise ship right away. The pilot says that it’s vital to his well-being that he should get paid right away. Jack points at a passing blimp showing a clue to the Herald Hunt, and when the pilot looks up, Jack stamps on the pilot’s foot really hard. Jack jumps into the pilot seat of the helicopter, and takes off. Curtis and Chloe just stare at him. Jack says “What?? I’m conserving bullets, OK?”

11:36 - Heller is flying over LA in the helicopter he’s in, which is much less pink and turquoise than the one Jack is in. Heller phones CTU to let Bill know that Scary has been taken away, the Aaron is temporarily in charge, and to find out what the situation is with RoboEdgar. Bill explains that Jack is following RoboEdgar, and that Audrey had a bomb attached to her which has been deactivated. Heller says that there's obviously some kind of plot going on, and to watch out. Heller looks around and sees a news helicopter, panics, and tells Bill to "Tell Audrey I love her", and jumps out of the helicopter.

11:38 (2:38 Eastern) – Jack spots the cruise ship and lands on it, meeting the captain of the ship. Jack asks the captain if there’s any place on the ship where there might a lot of food. The captain asks if Jack is kidding. Jack tells Curtis and Chloe to start to search the ship.

11:41 – Acting President Aaron orders a Big Mac with Krispy Kreme Donuts instead of a sesame seed bun for lunch, just because he always wondered if the president could do something like that.


11:46 – Manilow is still poking around in the novelty store when he hears voices coming out of the back room. He peeks into the back room and sees several people sitting around a table holding hands, while one of them is chanting something.

11:47 – (2:47 Eastern) Chloe sees RoboEdgar participating in the ice cream eating contest, near an area with a lot of [EDIT TO GET BLOG SOFTWARE TO POST – machines you put money into and pull the handle on to try and get more money out of it] and calls Jack about it. Jack tells Chloe that he’ll be right there, and calls Curtis to tell him to go.

11:48 – One of the people that’s been chanting in the room that Manilow is watching, starts mumbling in a language the Manilow can barely understand. He’s confused until he realizes it’s English.

11:49 – (2:49 Eastern) Jack and Curtis find Chloe, watching the contest. Jack suggests that they create a diversion while Jack tries to get to RoboEdgar. Jack and Curtis start making suggestions about starting an impromptu Limbo contests, and Chloe tells them to stop. She makes them swear that they won’t repeat what they’re about to see. Chloe walks over to one of the machines, presses the buttons on the front in a long sequence of pushes, drops a quarter in and pulls the handle. All of the machines come up with three bars, and start shooting money all over the place.

11:52 – (2:52 Eastern) Jack attempts to get to RoboEdgar, pushing against the crowd that’s trying to get to the money. Before Jack gets there, RoboEdgar looks up, ice cream all over his face, and sees Jack. Before Jack can take another step, RoboEdgar leans back in his chair and crashes through the window behind him, and tumbles out of sight.

11:54 – (2:54 Eastern) Jack looks out the window, just in time to see RoboEdgar has fired the rockets in his feet again, and zooms right past the window into the sky. Jack turns around and has a combination of rocket exhaust, ice cream and orange cheese powder all over him. Jack runs to the staircase and heads upstairs. Chloe and Curtis follow him.

11:56 – Manilow watches as a ghostly figure appears out while the chanting continues. The ghost appears to be very hazy, and he can’t quite tell who it is. He starts humming the “Casper the Friendly Ghost” song to himself.

11:57 – (2:57 Eastern) Jack, Chloe and Curtis get into the helicopter, and Jack tells Curtis to fly the helicopter after RoboEdgar. Edgar is hovering in mid-air and starts to rotate in place. Jack tells Curtis to get on top of Edgar, and Curtis says that would need a really bigger ladder for that. Jack tells him to fly over Edgar, which he does.

11:58 – Manilow watches as the ghost seems to solidify even more. The ghost appears to be wearing an orange apron of some sort. Manilow watches in horror as Marwan materializes in the room! Marwan is back! Manilow faints.

11:59 – (2:59 Eastern) Chloe asks Jack what he’s going to do. RoboEdgar is rotating really quickly now and the air surrounding the helicopter is getting more and more turbulent. Jack says that this is the only way he’ll be able to stop RoboEdgar, tells Curtis to get the heck out of there. Chloe screams as she watches Jack step out of the helicopter!

12 noon – Time’s up!

Wow, the blog software just called me on the phone and told me never to use the word [BLEEEP] again. I promised not to.

What, "slot machines?"

Steve, you are awesome. Thank you so much.

Wow. The unabridged edition.

*pours glass of wine and starts reading*

Once again, Steve, a great job. Even if the blog security software thought you were "gambling" spam.

Wes, that's what I thought at first, but that didn't end up being it. It was the word that in Pig Latin is "asino-cay"

Did you use an online translator?

jt-Ah, Pig Latin, the ancient language.

Steve-If they don't give you a job as a 24 writer, then they just don't know good stuff!!

Oh, thanks Steve. And here I thought I was actually getting away with something.

Hey, idiot spam blockers, listen up! Gambling! Slots! Casi-


...ohhhhhh.....bad idea.....owwwww....

Yay Steve!

For anyone that is interested, the counter-terrorism panel discussion from last week is now posted at the site that kinda rhymes with Crush Simba. It's very long and I found the sound jumpy. Carlos Bernard ['Tony'] was pretty good, and Handbag has a beard now. Mary Lynn/ Chloe was pretty funny on the few occasions she spoke. She stated for the record that having Edgar's love child would not interfere with her job performance. Warning, there's a scary picture of Chloe in danger on the front page!


*holds up cell phone*

this show is too goddamn much work for me. it's all i can do to keep track of the English translation for Deadwood! that said, i'm very glad to know i can count on this blog to keep me apprised of all relevant plot lines in English/French/German/French/Greek/French/English, because otherwise i wouldn't have a freakin' clue about Jack and/or Audrey and/or The Handle of the Farmer.

what were we talking about again?

Go Steve! Go Steve!...it's your birthday!

*pumps hands in vaguely rhthmic motion remembered from youth*

Dave, Whatsa matter, buddy, nothin' to do on Monday nights now? Checkin' out translating sites? How 'bout a book tour that isn't during the 24 season? Or, hey, hangin' out here can be fun.

Steve, RAH! so much better than a real episode of 24. Your episode is actually entertaining!

Woo-hoo, another 24 chapter by Steve!!! Mondays are good after all!

*snoks at everything*

Farmer: Honey, this is the pig I have sex with when we're apart.
Farmer's wife. You moron, that's not a pig, that's a sheep!
Farmer: Shut up, I wasn't talking to you.

I dunno, Dave. I did the multiple translation gig a while ago. http://lanseybrothers.blogspot.com/2006/02/gettysburg-address-fun-with-google.html
In HS Spanish class someone once accidentally handed in an essay we were supposed to write in Spanish in French. He was in a rush getting the assignment done, I guess.

It's suddenly clear why the saying "it's all Greek to me" was coined. It's like a whole different language!

ohhh, i get it! 'Bauer' is German for 'farmer' and 'Jack' was interpreted like a car's jack...

DE-snork @ insom! no serious posts from you, bucko!!!

Regarding CJrun's "Chloe in danger" post above...you have no idea. And you really, really don't want to know, either.

Unless you do, in which case here's the rest of the story:


I'm glad Kiefer had a good grip on "things!"

Aaron for President!

Sounds like those User Manuals that come with toys made in China.

Hey, I think I recognize myself in the pic!!

har har har!!! I look forward to monday nights!

Hey I saw the evil president on a lifetime movie this weekend...he played Shannon Doherty's father. Scary, the 2 of the together the world will never be the same!!

I LOVE waking up on Tuesdays to read the 24 posts. I hope Steve has a really good job where they lock him in a room and let him write for 9 hours a day.

Me, too, Guin. Especially since I forget to 'tune in' Monday nights, since the show is off the air.

I'm watching Season 4 on Sunday nights on WGN. It's Marwan all the way!


Me, too, Guin. Especially since I forget to 'tune in' Monday nights, since the show is off the air.

I'm watching Season 4 on Sunday nights on WGN. It's Marwan all the way!


this is my favorite thread so far...pants..err..I mean hands down!

Wider horizons...coming right up!

babel fish = fun new toy with which to torment co-workers!

Chloe is in the movie "Firewall" with harrison Ford. It's worth viewing just to get a Chloe fix

We have a give the spam robot some applause. Forcing Steve to play "Password" in the middle of his summary actually made it funnier!

By the way, "The Handle of the Farmer" WBAGNFARB.

Excellent job as usual Steve. Please keep up the good work until next January.....

Last night on the news here in LA there was a story about some writing on the wall of a Banana boat and how the port was shut down and the FBI called in. I thought I was watching 24 again for a few seconds.

Japanese translation: "All your parameters are belong to us."


Someone set us up the Chinese subplot.

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