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May 25, 2006

A WORD TO THE WISE

Adultery and insecticide do not mix.

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using deer, according to this baseball-team-sized mass o' perkitude.

(Thanks to slyeyes)

THIS JUST IN

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

SCIENCE LUNGES FORWARD

A shocking discovery by the scientists at Small Ruminant Research.

(Thanks to B-Con)

May 24, 2006

SO THEY THINK THEY HAVE JACK BAUER CAPTURED, DO THEY?

The fools.
Mv_hanjin_pennsylvania_01
(Thanks to Doug Boeringer)

IT'S AN OLD HEADLINE

But dammit, it's a good headline.

(Sent in, via snailmail, by -- really -- Graeme McGufficke)

FORMER RESIDENCE OF NIVEA CLOUD

Can we safely assume it's Baltimore?

(Thanks to MOTW)

YOUR FLORIDA TRAFFIC REPORT

We have a gator on the turnpike.

(Thanks to George Spiggott)

OOOOOH

(Thanks to Eleanor S.)

WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT STREET CRED...

...you're talking about... OK, you're not talking about this.

(Thanks to Charley, who saw it on Good Morning Silicon Valley)

YEARS FROM NOW, WE'LL ALL REMEMBER WHERE WE WERE WHEN WE HEARD THE SAD NEWS

Boo Boo is gone.

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

FATHER'S DAY GIFT UPDATE

(Thanks to fritz)

EDUCATIONAL HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

DISTURBING HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR TWO YEARS AGO

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

TO PROTECT AND TO SERVE

Baltimore style.

(Thanks to CoastRaven)

UPDATE: Meanwhile, police in Idaho face real terror.

(Thanks to Susannah Nation)

FLORIDA WILDLIFE

We had a mother fox with three baby foxes on our porch this morning. Here's the mama, when she noticed me taking her picture through the window:
Mama_fox
And here are the babies, at the door:
Baby_foxes
Meanwhile this guy was on the screen, having breakfast:
Lizard

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

...and maybe you want to get something different for Dad.

(Thanks to Kaf)

SCIENCE NEWS FOR MALES

This is huge.

LOOK, OUT CALIFORNIA

There's a movement to make your toilets even more "efficient."

Meanwhile in Greenville, MS: A flaming toilet.

May 23, 2006

FORGET THE AVIAN FLU

The real danger is in Norway.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

...to this motorist.

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

WHY THE WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE IF 6-YEAR-OLDS RAN IT

President_sophie

SPORTS PHOTOJOURNALISM

We're for it.¹

(Sincere thanks to Layla Bohm)

¹Men, including The Blog: Note the warning.

ATTENTION, STEPHEN KING

The Stalking Stork

(Thanks to marfie)

WHY WE FOLLOW THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY

We love the glamor.

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TASTEFUL...

...you're talking Madonna.

LINKS THAT MEN SHOULD AVOID CLICKING ON, ESPECIALLY IF THEY HAVE MUMBAI DREAMS

This one, and this one.

TERM OF THE DAY

"Fire Crotch"

COWS GONE BAD

If we read this headline correctly, they are engaging in acts of vandalism. They are also attacking police cars.

ALARMING HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

We are staying the hell out of the attic.

HERO SNAKE

Hiss the boa scares off "a bloke in a hoodie." (Hmmm.)

May 22, 2006

24

This is it, 24 fans. Tonight is the night. Hard to believe, isn't it? Months ago, when we embarked on this staggering waste of time exciting group adventure, we were just a ragtag bunch of misfits. But today, after 22 hours of collectively watching Jack Bauer race all over the greater Los Angeles perimeter shooting, choking, stabbing and yelling at people in his relentless and desperate quest for a plot, we are something more: We are pathetic no-life losers a highly disciplined viewing unit. And I am darned proud to be part of it.

Of course we are not done yet: We have two hours to go. At the end of those two hours, we will at last be able to heave up our dinner a sigh of relief as Jack punches the time clock (or shoots it in the thigh) to conclude another hard-workin' day of corpse-producin'. After that we assume Jack will spend a minimum of three hours in the bathroom.

But first Jack has some business to attend to. Here is the situation on the ground and in the water as we enter the home stretch:

Last week, the terrorist Bierko, a.k.a the Kanister King, escaped from CTU custody. This was not surprising, as CTU has established itself as a federal agency so astoundingly incompetent that even FEMA makes fun of it. After Bierko got away, he managed -- in less than one hour -- to use his remaining Killer Kanister to take over... a Russian submarine! And if you are wondering what a Russian submarine was doing in Los Angeles with almost nobody guarding it during a major terrorist alert and citywide curfew, there is a very logical explanation, which is: Look, over there! Something shiny!

So anyway, now the terrorists have missiles, and it is up to Jack, with the assistance of Chloe and Jack's trusty PDA, to thwart them. Jack will also have to deal with the president of the United States, who wants Jack dead. Of course, he has wanted Jack dead for something like 17 consecutive episodes now, so it's hard to see this as much of an obstacle, but still. The President is still being controlled by the evil bald puppetmaster, whom we cannot stand because (a) he is evil, and (b) he wears one of those stupid bluetooth ear things.

Meanwhile the First Lady is totally wasted disgusted with her husband and has definitely porked  joined forces with the loyal Aaron. The First Lady shot a secret service agent last week and will probably need a drink.

In other developments:

Audrey has totally recovered from losing 53,000 pints of blood and continues to cling to the plot like a barnacle. Her father, Secretary of Defense William Devane, was brought back from drowning two weeks ago, presumably so he can do something tonight, although it's possible that the writers, who obviously have a lot on their minds, have forgotten about him again.

Edgar is still dead.

Among the questions that we hope will be resolved tonight are:

-- Whatever happened to Jack's hot new girlfriend? Some of us can't believe she is gone from the plot while Audrey is still in it.

-- What about the German agent, whom Jack fooled with the old exploding-memory-card trick?

-- And what about Ross, the drunk who got serially tasered by Chloe in the bar? I miss Ross.

Whatever happens tonight, I want to thank all of you who have participated in the 24 effort this year -- especially the commenters, and especially the amazing Steve and his amazing plot summaries.

I believe that, together, we have demonstrated the true potential of the Internet. Any day now they're going to shut this thing down.

UPDATE: Everybody go to the bathroom now.

UPDATE: Nerve gas all gone! That was quick.

UPDATE: I love the way the terrorists declare their intentions in English. Very thoughtful.

UPDATE: Audrey is now running the country.

UPDATE: Jack has visual contact with the sub. Which means he can see it.

UPDATE: They think Jack can't get on the sub! Man, people can be SOOO stupid.

UPDATE: Petty Officer Rooney is 11 years old.

UPDATE: Just KILL him, Rooney! These kids today, I swear.

UPDATE: Our Air Force must have the slowest planes in the world if they can't get to a submarine in Los Freaking Angeles within 20 freaking minutes.

UPDATE: Petty Officer Rooney has one of those Cingular undersea phones.

UPDATE: Jack is so fatherly.

UPDATE: "His status is: dead." Good job, Petty Officer Rooney! You will get a merit badge.

UPDATE: Looks like they're launching the missiles with Windows ME.

UPDATE: Death by steam! A new one for Jack! This is excellent.

UPDATE: AND death by thighs.

UPDATE: The old no-bullets trick. Har! Henderson fell for it!

UPDATE: This is looking to be a very productive night for Jack.

UPDATE: Dang, we love Chloe.

UPDATE: You THINK it's over, Handbag.

UPDATE: The First Lady is going to help Mike put his finger on it.

UPDATE: Agent Adams? He sleeps with the Fix-a-Flat.

UPDATE: What happened to Aaron's injuries? Oh, hell, never mind.

UPDATE: KISS HER, AARON!

UPDATE: Mike and Aaron burying Agent Adams! This is getting really good.

UPDATE: The old digital-uplink trick! It just might work...

UPDATE: Morris? Who the hell is Morris?

UPDATE: Chloe's ex-husband is selling women's shoes in Beverly Hills? But now, suddenly, he's in CTU? With a British accent? And he's a communications expert? OK! Fine!

UPDATE: "Will he hurt him?" What, Jack, hurt somebody?

UPDATE: Help me out here, during the commercial: Has Morris been on the show before? I don't remember him. On the other hand, I don't remember anything.

UPDATE: Aaron wonders how Jack is going to get on the heavily guarded helicopter transporting the president. Aaron is SO naive.

UPDATE: If she engages in acts of nookie with the Handbag, I am gonna puke.

UPDATE: I miss the submarine.

UPDATE: Yeeccchh.

UPDATE: OK, it got a little slow near the end of the hour, but so far things are looking pretty good.

UPDATE: Previously? You mean, like, just now?

UPDATE: THAT was quick.

UPDATE: Oh, right, Jack can pose as a new co-pilot ON THE PRESIDENT'S HELICOPTER. Sure! Whatever!

UPDATE: "Hey there, new guy co-pilot who has not shaved in 24 hours! Welcome aboard the president's helicopter!"

UPDATE: Mr. President, I'm Jack Bauer, and I will be your FLIGHT ATTENDANT FROM HELL.

UPDATE: Doesn't the presidential helicopter always have Air Force escorts? Wouldn't they immediately notice that it has changed course? What the hell, never mind.

UPDATE: Morris, heading back to the shoe store with a funny story to tell.

UPDATE: I remember when Burt Reynolds was a huge movie star. And now... Miller Light commercials.

UPDATE: Ooooh, the Handbag thinks he's tough.

UPDATE: This sure is a lot of talking.

UPDATE: I believe this is a trick by Jack.

UPDATE: THE PEN! THE PEN IS A TRANSMITTER!

UPDATE: Or maybe the phone.

UPDATE: Regarding the new Microsoft slogan, "Software for the People-Ready Business," my only question is: Huh?

UPDATE: Edgar is in the casket; that's why they need all those guys to carry it.

UPDATE: The First Lady is always a lot of fun.

UPDATE: They are definitely going to need counseling. Too many marriages are destroyed by nerve gas.

UPDATE: Chloe is very serious.

UPDATE: Nailed by the First Lady! So to speak.

UPDATE: OK, I am not an expert on constitutional law, but can the attorney general, who works for the president, order the president to be searched? Aw, what the hell, never mind.

UPDATE: Not Audrey and Jack in a Tender Moment! NOOOOOO.....

UPDATE: "Jack, when I heard you kidnapped the president, I... I paused as the script told me to, waiting for your line of bad dialogue."

UPDATE: YES! MORE VIOLENCE! Just when we thought there was going to be a Tender Daughter Moment!

UPDATE: Bill and Karen, sitting in a tree?

UPDATE: Awwww... Edgar.

UPDATE: "Give me three men on the perimeters." These guys will NEVER learn.

UPDATE: The Chinese subplot. Damn. We canNOT get rid of it.

UPDATE: They can't kill him. He just signed a three-year contract.

UPDATE: A happy ending, with Jack on a cruise!

UPDATE: OK, we are not even going to ask how the Chinese happened to have a team in place to kidnap Jack at the end of the episode, when nobody, including Jack, could possibly have known where he was going to be. We are going to say good night. Take it, Steve.

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Now: Our bowels.

(Thanks to Mike)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using potatoes.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

GET READY

DEPARTMENT OF STORIES THAT MAKE THIS BLOG GO, QUOTE, "HUH."

Huh.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

BEWARE, BALTIMORE RESIDENTS

Frankly, gators seem to be a bit more mellow...

(Thanks to CoastRaven)

"PSSST, DUDE...

...got any ketchup?"

(Thanks to DavCat14)

TALK ABOUT YOUR MARKETING GENIUSES

Just in time for Father's Day: The 2006 calendar! Fortunately, they are also still selling this hot item.

(Thanks to Eliezer Kanal)

REMINDER TO THE BLOG

Two more days, sir. Are you ready?

(Thanks to Eric Ewanko)

EVEN BETTER THAN BEANS ON TOAST

Formal TP.

THE WAY GAS PRICES ARE GOING, SOON IT WILL HAVE TO BE TWO FRIENDS

(Thanks to many people)

GUYS

(Thanks to DavCat)

UH-OH

God help us all if this thing ever mates with a squirrel.

(Thanks to fivver)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(Thanks to LabSpecimen)

SCANDAL IN GRANADA

Cows for votes.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT

It's a comfort to know that corporations are working hard to provide the products busy people need.

(Thanks to Mollenkamp)

TECHNOLOGY LUNGES FORWARD

(Via Gizmodo)

24

As you know if you follow international events, tonight is the two-hour finale of 24, which begins at 8 p.m. Eastern Canister Time. At 7 p.m. this blog will be providing a synopsis of what we like to laughingly refer to as the "plot." Meanwhile, we offer this prediction from Steve "Steve" McMacken, the man who has been providing the amazing weekly post-show plot summaries in the comments section

CORRECTION: Steve "The Real Steve" Pietrowicz, in the comments section, says that this is not from him, so apparently it is from another Steve. This blog apologizes, and urges parents to for God's sake stop naming everybody "Steve."

The bad guys escape from the submarine after their stupid missile plot is foiled and they all pile into Air Force One to fly off with evil President Logan, who has dragged Martha and Aaron along with him as hostages. (Jack has already holed up in the luggage compartment because Chloe found some vectors and schematics for him.) Also accompanying him is Audrey, who won't be left behind because her father, who was in transit to CTU, is now missing and Jack thinks he's been kidnapped and is on board. The jet takes off and heads out over the ocean. Suddenly, in the cockpit of the plane, the final, absolutely final, without-a-doubt final canister goes off. (The canister has been onboard all this time and is remotely detonated by an unseen person. You just catch a glimpse of a pair of gorgeous, female hands.) Then we watch as everyone - the President, Bierko, the slimy guy from ER, et al - froth at the mouth and flop around a bit in pure agony - in graphic detail, of course - before dying horribly. Then poisonous snakes begin to appear. No, wait, let's save that for another movie. Cut to the cargo hold. We see Audrey begin to cough and act like John Hurt in "Alien."
Cut to an exterior shot of the jet as it heads away from us. We hear Jack cry "No! Audrey, stay with me." Then we hear him, too, coughing and sputtering. Cut to Air Traffic Control. We see a close-up of a radar screen with a green blip moving away. Suddenly, the blip stops blipping. 24 theme music comes up. Fade to black.

THIS URGENT BREAKING UPDATE JUST IN:

I hope this isn't too big of a spoiler, but according to the Yahoo! TV listing tonight's episode is going to have some "shocking developments."  I hope I didn't ruin anything for you.

Don Pratt

 
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