24

This is it, 24 fans. Tonight is the night. Hard to believe, isn't it? Months ago, when we embarked on this staggering waste of time exciting group adventure, we were just a ragtag bunch of misfits. But today, after 22 hours of collectively watching Jack Bauer race all over the greater Los Angeles perimeter shooting, choking, stabbing and yelling at people in his relentless and desperate quest for a plot, we are something more: We are pathetic no-life losers a highly disciplined viewing unit. And I am darned proud to be part of it.

Of course we are not done yet: We have two hours to go. At the end of those two hours, we will at last be able to heave up our dinner a sigh of relief as Jack punches the time clock (or shoots it in the thigh) to conclude another hard-workin' day of corpse-producin'. After that we assume Jack will spend a minimum of three hours in the bathroom.

But first Jack has some business to attend to. Here is the situation on the ground and in the water as we enter the home stretch:

Last week, the terrorist Bierko, a.k.a the Kanister King, escaped from CTU custody. This was not surprising, as CTU has established itself as a federal agency so astoundingly incompetent that even FEMA makes fun of it. After Bierko got away, he managed -- in less than one hour -- to use his remaining Killer Kanister to take over... a Russian submarine! And if you are wondering what a Russian submarine was doing in Los Angeles with almost nobody guarding it during a major terrorist alert and citywide curfew, there is a very logical explanation, which is: Look, over there! Something shiny!

So anyway, now the terrorists have missiles, and it is up to Jack, with the assistance of Chloe and Jack's trusty PDA, to thwart them. Jack will also have to deal with the president of the United States, who wants Jack dead. Of course, he has wanted Jack dead for something like 17 consecutive episodes now, so it's hard to see this as much of an obstacle, but still. The President is still being controlled by the evil bald puppetmaster, whom we cannot stand because (a) he is evil, and (b) he wears one of those stupid bluetooth ear things.

Meanwhile the First Lady is totally wasted disgusted with her husband and has definitely porked  joined forces with the loyal Aaron. The First Lady shot a secret service agent last week and will probably need a drink.

In other developments:

Audrey has totally recovered from losing 53,000 pints of blood and continues to cling to the plot like a barnacle. Her father, Secretary of Defense William Devane, was brought back from drowning two weeks ago, presumably so he can do something tonight, although it's possible that the writers, who obviously have a lot on their minds, have forgotten about him again.

Edgar is still dead.

Among the questions that we hope will be resolved tonight are:

-- Whatever happened to Jack's hot new girlfriend? Some of us can't believe she is gone from the plot while Audrey is still in it.

-- What about the German agent, whom Jack fooled with the old exploding-memory-card trick?

-- And what about Ross, the drunk who got serially tasered by Chloe in the bar? I miss Ross.

Whatever happens tonight, I want to thank all of you who have participated in the 24 effort this year -- especially the commenters, and especially the amazing Steve and his amazing plot summaries.

I believe that, together, we have demonstrated the true potential of the Internet. Any day now they're going to shut this thing down.

UPDATE: Everybody go to the bathroom now.

UPDATE: Nerve gas all gone! That was quick.

UPDATE: I love the way the terrorists declare their intentions in English. Very thoughtful.

UPDATE: Audrey is now running the country.

UPDATE: Jack has visual contact with the sub. Which means he can see it.

UPDATE: They think Jack can't get on the sub! Man, people can be SOOO stupid.

UPDATE: Petty Officer Rooney is 11 years old.

UPDATE: Just KILL him, Rooney! These kids today, I swear.

UPDATE: Our Air Force must have the slowest planes in the world if they can't get to a submarine in Los Freaking Angeles within 20 freaking minutes.

UPDATE: Petty Officer Rooney has one of those Cingular undersea phones.

UPDATE: Jack is so fatherly.

UPDATE: "His status is: dead." Good job, Petty Officer Rooney! You will get a merit badge.

UPDATE: Looks like they're launching the missiles with Windows ME.

UPDATE: Death by steam! A new one for Jack! This is excellent.

UPDATE: AND death by thighs.

UPDATE: The old no-bullets trick. Har! Henderson fell for it!

UPDATE: This is looking to be a very productive night for Jack.

UPDATE: Dang, we love Chloe.

UPDATE: You THINK it's over, Handbag.

UPDATE: The First Lady is going to help Mike put his finger on it.

UPDATE: Agent Adams? He sleeps with the Fix-a-Flat.

UPDATE: What happened to Aaron's injuries? Oh, hell, never mind.

UPDATE: KISS HER, AARON!

UPDATE: Mike and Aaron burying Agent Adams! This is getting really good.

UPDATE: The old digital-uplink trick! It just might work...

UPDATE: Morris? Who the hell is Morris?

UPDATE: Chloe's ex-husband is selling women's shoes in Beverly Hills? But now, suddenly, he's in CTU? With a British accent? And he's a communications expert? OK! Fine!

UPDATE: "Will he hurt him?" What, Jack, hurt somebody?

UPDATE: Help me out here, during the commercial: Has Morris been on the show before? I don't remember him. On the other hand, I don't remember anything.

UPDATE: Aaron wonders how Jack is going to get on the heavily guarded helicopter transporting the president. Aaron is SO naive.

UPDATE: If she engages in acts of nookie with the Handbag, I am gonna puke.

UPDATE: I miss the submarine.

UPDATE: Yeeccchh.

UPDATE: OK, it got a little slow near the end of the hour, but so far things are looking pretty good.

UPDATE: Previously? You mean, like, just now?

UPDATE: THAT was quick.

UPDATE: Oh, right, Jack can pose as a new co-pilot ON THE PRESIDENT'S HELICOPTER. Sure! Whatever!

UPDATE: "Hey there, new guy co-pilot who has not shaved in 24 hours! Welcome aboard the president's helicopter!"

UPDATE: Mr. President, I'm Jack Bauer, and I will be your FLIGHT ATTENDANT FROM HELL.

UPDATE: Doesn't the presidential helicopter always have Air Force escorts? Wouldn't they immediately notice that it has changed course? What the hell, never mind.

UPDATE: Morris, heading back to the shoe store with a funny story to tell.

UPDATE: I remember when Burt Reynolds was a huge movie star. And now... Miller Light commercials.

UPDATE: Ooooh, the Handbag thinks he's tough.

UPDATE: This sure is a lot of talking.

UPDATE: I believe this is a trick by Jack.

UPDATE: THE PEN! THE PEN IS A TRANSMITTER!

UPDATE: Or maybe the phone.

UPDATE: Regarding the new Microsoft slogan, "Software for the People-Ready Business," my only question is: Huh?

UPDATE: Edgar is in the casket; that's why they need all those guys to carry it.

UPDATE: The First Lady is always a lot of fun.

UPDATE: They are definitely going to need counseling. Too many marriages are destroyed by nerve gas.

UPDATE: Chloe is very serious.

UPDATE: Nailed by the First Lady! So to speak.

UPDATE: OK, I am not an expert on constitutional law, but can the attorney general, who works for the president, order the president to be searched? Aw, what the hell, never mind.

UPDATE: Not Audrey and Jack in a Tender Moment! NOOOOOO.....

UPDATE: "Jack, when I heard you kidnapped the president, I... I paused as the script told me to, waiting for your line of bad dialogue."

UPDATE: YES! MORE VIOLENCE! Just when we thought there was going to be a Tender Daughter Moment!

UPDATE: Bill and Karen, sitting in a tree?

UPDATE: Awwww... Edgar.

UPDATE: "Give me three men on the perimeters." These guys will NEVER learn.

UPDATE: The Chinese subplot. Damn. We canNOT get rid of it.

UPDATE: They can't kill him. He just signed a three-year contract.

UPDATE: A happy ending, with Jack on a cruise!

UPDATE: OK, we are not even going to ask how the Chinese happened to have a team in place to kidnap Jack at the end of the episode, when nobody, including Jack, could possibly have known where he was going to be. We are going to say good night. Take it, Steve.

Comments

[Steve-O]

If Jack marries Chloe he'll look at her just like that!

[philintexas]

hopefully Jack was recording that ...

[MaryContrary]

Oooh, total diss. President Weeny Handbag interrogated in an abandoned printing mill.

What weeny excuses! Weeny Handbag! I can only imagine what his presidential portrait will look like.

[T and C in KC]

Even the president's taller than Jack!

[slyeyes]

Call me when they do the hand -- what??

[Betsy]

OK...it's, what, 6:15 a.m. and the sun isn't even beginning to come up???

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

*snork* @ philintexas

[Crabby Appleton]

I am just glad Jack took that helmet off, he looked like Gazoo from the Flintstones.

[sgt sickler]

President Handjive wants to work something out. LOL

[cannie]

I cant' post & watch at the same time!! How the heck did he isolate the POTUS??

Oh, wait, he's JACK BAUER!

[mama jodeo]

Its 6:11, yesterday it was sunny, is it daylight savings time change?

[Bill]

bizray, Jinx back atcha - you clever guy!

[dgibbs]

hhahah he just offered bauer money

[Mary]

"hopefully Jack was recording that ..."

How could he, recording is the ONLY thing his PDA doesn't do...

[bizrey]

Ewwwww, don't touch his crotch Jack it's...damp XP

[Wes S.]

Searching President Handbag must have been particularly distasteful for Jack, especially when he got to that nasty wet spot on the Presidential pants...

[philintexas]

Where's Lindy England when you really need her?

[Suzy Q]

Arrgh....to the blog robot!!

[wolfie]

10 minutes till they are on Jack. Apparently Jack will be going as far as First Cleavage did.

[Glow]

But there's 45 minutes left!

[Steve-O]

And you WILL be arrested for treason because it's only 9:11 PM

[T and C in KC]

Yeah, I KNOW??!?!?!?!?

Is that the best you can do, Bauer?

[philintexas]

Mary...mine starts when I pick it up...never bothered to read the damn instructions

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Treason....TREASON...?! Jack LAUGHS at your TREASON threat! HE'S BEEN DEAD TWICE NOW!!!

[Momanon]

No matter what the Prez says, he can easily deny it later and say some BS about being "under duress".

[Jessica R.]

Arrested? They arrest Jack like every half hour. What does he care about getting arrested?

[mellio]

Oh, no doubt--we have to set up next season. Or at least set up the movie.

You know, the one that better be called "2"?

;)

[judio]

We lurkers want to know what SNORK means, will you divulge?

[Suzy Q]

All I was tryin' to say is that Chloe's ex is s-e-x-AY!

(trying it with hyphens)

[slyeyes]

you poke it you own it man law.

huh.

[Mary]

lol, Phil - I know. Still driving me nuts that he never copied the recording somewhere, anywhere...

[shane]

"Okay, Mr. President, there's already a search team for you about to be mobilized. And I'm ten minutes away from becoming #1 on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted List. But, umm, I need you to say some very bad things into this Walkman, or... umm... or else. Yeah. Coz I've so obviously got the upper hand here."

[sgt sickler]

judio,

I think it is the sound that is made when you laugh through your nose...or something like that.

[daisymae]

Is Jack planning to *record* the session with Prez Handbag, cause if he's planning to *record* the confession, we all know what happens to *record*ings on 24!

[Suzy Q]

Apparently, the blog robot doesn't like the word s-e-x. Just to let everyone know.

[Wes S.]

"Treason threat?" Well, Jack gets arrested by the Feds about twice a season for something or another; that's the groundwork laid for the next time right there...

[philintexas]

snork is a code word for totally buying into the 24 plotline

[cannie]

The "you poke it, you own it" man-law!

[Betsy]

Judio...it's kinda like LOL, but is, I believe, an onomatopoeic rendering of the sound of laughing while beer, wine, mojitos, etc. shoot out of your nose.

[slyeyes]

*snork* is LOL; just noisier.

[T and C in KC]

Hey, it's President Allstate. Didn't we just see his casket and sentimental B-roll a few minutes ago?

[shane]

But Dave, most of Burt's biggest movies WERE essentially beer commercials.

[shane]

But Dave, most of Burt's biggest movies WERE essentially beer commercials.

[judio]

THanks Sarge! ME and Liz will sleep well tonight!
iN DIFFERENT BEDS,of course.

[WoosterGirl]

SNORK @ Betsy.

*snork*

[bizrey]

Hey! It's the Office Space guy!!

[Gretchen]

A snork is the highest compliment you can get on a snarky post.

[slyeyes]

THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Wes S.]

Finally! THERE'S the sun!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Folks, I'm not sure what my type of underwear has to do with anything nor is it relevant conversation...so please leave my panti..underwear out of this.

(Suzy Q: I have a used ChloeSack if you're interested...)

[Larry~Barry]

Ah, a MY Space webcast!!!

[SlothB77]

a tape recorder would have been a good idea, right? not like the tape will survive a few hours, but worth a try?

[samthesham]

Just blew Chloe's cover

[bizrey]

Heck, we'd all be surprised to find that out.

[T and C in KC]

That looks interesting - the guy from Office Space as a hunky action hero wannabe next Fall on a show called "Standoff".

"I've decided I don't like my job, and I don't think I'm gonna go anymore."

[Betsy]

Is this where the President's men take Jack's annoying bratty spawn, Kim, into their fiendish grasp???

[philintexas]

red is positive and black is negative Jack...spark him up!

[Bucket]

AAAAUUUUURRRRGGGGHHHHH. Just got home from work. Did I miss anything?

[Glow]

You can't torture a handbag. I torture mine all the time and can't find anything in it when I want to.

[Suzy Q]

THGuy: I've decided to go commando.

As to the ChloeSack....used??!

[WoosterGirl]

Blah blah blah blah.

Bullets, please.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Jack is recapping the plot for us...just like the writers did at the beginning of the episode...

[Gretchen]

I'm so glad Jack's here to explain the whole season to us!

[philintexas]

I'd give a shiny Buffalo nickel if Marwan walked in -- back from the dead

[SlothB77]

this is worse than that myspace karoake guy

[Betsy]

Jack's negotiating techniques seem to be a little...one-dimensioinal.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

No torture, just threats of death.

[Bucket]

ah, phew. shoulda known jack would come through for me

[Suzy Q]

Yeah, what WoosterGirl said.

More killing. and shooting, and blood.

[Glow]

Oh I love that look in Jack's eyes.

[bizrey]

*whisper* Is that an Airwolf patch that Jack is wearing?

[Larry~Barry]

"... the Dow's up!"

[sgt sickler]

The writers must have been trying to find ways to drag this last hour out from the 15 minutes of material they had written.

[Kathy P.]

You can't kill him, Jack - then you'd be a bad guy - they'd know you were alive, too....

[Wes S.]

Is this going out on C-SPAN? Was that what Shoe-Salesman Morris was up to?

[WoosterGirl]

What?!?? No torture either?

Bummer.

[Gretchen]

Bucket: not a thing. But five people have been killed, so that's cool.

[PoorMartha]

Quit yer bitchin Jack and start tasering.

[dgibbs]

his daughter! ELISHA CUTHBERT, i love

[dgibbs]

his daughter! ELISHA CUTHBERT, i love

[wolfie]

You don't know Jack!
Bwuahahaha

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Yeah, right...YOU DON'T KNOW JACK!

[slyeyes]

You don't think sitting there listening to Jack isn't torture?

"You don't know Jack"

[Bucket]

You don't know Jack!!!

[Gretchen]

What's the significance of the pine tree, lightning bolt and little bug on Jack's patch?

[cannie]

3.2.1

[Glow]

Please shoot his thigh first, Jack. No, don't count to three!

[T and C in KC]

Oh MYYYY... "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!"

Could we have a bit of originality in Jack's dialogue for a second?

[Jessica R.]

Three shall be the number of the counting...

[Suzy Q]

Oh, Handbag, Jack'll get away with killing you. confess!

[Bill]

Nobody counts down like Jack.

[WoosterGirl]

Yawn.

Red Sox: 6, NY MudBuckets: 1

[bizrey]

two-and-a-half!

[Gretchen]

KNEECAP!!!

[Wes S.]

Oh, don't wimp out now, Jack! Just shoot him in the thigh if nothing else!

...Oh, crap.

[slyeyes]

He whinnied out.

[T and C in KC]

The THIGH... go for the THIGH

[sgt sickler]

...and the number of the counting shall be three. no more, no less.

[cannie]

I mean, 1..2...3

Awwww, just shoot him!

[Kathy P.]

It's not really all right, but here comes the cavalry! I hope...