24

This is it, 24 fans. Tonight is the night. Hard to believe, isn't it? Months ago, when we embarked on this staggering waste of time exciting group adventure, we were just a ragtag bunch of misfits. But today, after 22 hours of collectively watching Jack Bauer race all over the greater Los Angeles perimeter shooting, choking, stabbing and yelling at people in his relentless and desperate quest for a plot, we are something more: We are pathetic no-life losers a highly disciplined viewing unit. And I am darned proud to be part of it.

Of course we are not done yet: We have two hours to go. At the end of those two hours, we will at last be able to heave up our dinner a sigh of relief as Jack punches the time clock (or shoots it in the thigh) to conclude another hard-workin' day of corpse-producin'. After that we assume Jack will spend a minimum of three hours in the bathroom.

But first Jack has some business to attend to. Here is the situation on the ground and in the water as we enter the home stretch:

Last week, the terrorist Bierko, a.k.a the Kanister King, escaped from CTU custody. This was not surprising, as CTU has established itself as a federal agency so astoundingly incompetent that even FEMA makes fun of it. After Bierko got away, he managed -- in less than one hour -- to use his remaining Killer Kanister to take over... a Russian submarine! And if you are wondering what a Russian submarine was doing in Los Angeles with almost nobody guarding it during a major terrorist alert and citywide curfew, there is a very logical explanation, which is: Look, over there! Something shiny!

So anyway, now the terrorists have missiles, and it is up to Jack, with the assistance of Chloe and Jack's trusty PDA, to thwart them. Jack will also have to deal with the president of the United States, who wants Jack dead. Of course, he has wanted Jack dead for something like 17 consecutive episodes now, so it's hard to see this as much of an obstacle, but still. The President is still being controlled by the evil bald puppetmaster, whom we cannot stand because (a) he is evil, and (b) he wears one of those stupid bluetooth ear things.

Meanwhile the First Lady is totally wasted disgusted with her husband and has definitely porked  joined forces with the loyal Aaron. The First Lady shot a secret service agent last week and will probably need a drink.

In other developments:

Audrey has totally recovered from losing 53,000 pints of blood and continues to cling to the plot like a barnacle. Her father, Secretary of Defense William Devane, was brought back from drowning two weeks ago, presumably so he can do something tonight, although it's possible that the writers, who obviously have a lot on their minds, have forgotten about him again.

Edgar is still dead.

Among the questions that we hope will be resolved tonight are:

-- Whatever happened to Jack's hot new girlfriend? Some of us can't believe she is gone from the plot while Audrey is still in it.

-- What about the German agent, whom Jack fooled with the old exploding-memory-card trick?

-- And what about Ross, the drunk who got serially tasered by Chloe in the bar? I miss Ross.

Whatever happens tonight, I want to thank all of you who have participated in the 24 effort this year -- especially the commenters, and especially the amazing Steve and his amazing plot summaries.

I believe that, together, we have demonstrated the true potential of the Internet. Any day now they're going to shut this thing down.

UPDATE: Everybody go to the bathroom now.

UPDATE: Nerve gas all gone! That was quick.

UPDATE: I love the way the terrorists declare their intentions in English. Very thoughtful.

UPDATE: Audrey is now running the country.

UPDATE: Jack has visual contact with the sub. Which means he can see it.

UPDATE: They think Jack can't get on the sub! Man, people can be SOOO stupid.

UPDATE: Petty Officer Rooney is 11 years old.

UPDATE: Just KILL him, Rooney! These kids today, I swear.

UPDATE: Our Air Force must have the slowest planes in the world if they can't get to a submarine in Los Freaking Angeles within 20 freaking minutes.

UPDATE: Petty Officer Rooney has one of those Cingular undersea phones.

UPDATE: Jack is so fatherly.

UPDATE: "His status is: dead." Good job, Petty Officer Rooney! You will get a merit badge.

UPDATE: Looks like they're launching the missiles with Windows ME.

UPDATE: Death by steam! A new one for Jack! This is excellent.

UPDATE: AND death by thighs.

UPDATE: The old no-bullets trick. Har! Henderson fell for it!

UPDATE: This is looking to be a very productive night for Jack.

UPDATE: Dang, we love Chloe.

UPDATE: You THINK it's over, Handbag.

UPDATE: The First Lady is going to help Mike put his finger on it.

UPDATE: Agent Adams? He sleeps with the Fix-a-Flat.

UPDATE: What happened to Aaron's injuries? Oh, hell, never mind.

UPDATE: KISS HER, AARON!

UPDATE: Mike and Aaron burying Agent Adams! This is getting really good.

UPDATE: The old digital-uplink trick! It just might work...

UPDATE: Morris? Who the hell is Morris?

UPDATE: Chloe's ex-husband is selling women's shoes in Beverly Hills? But now, suddenly, he's in CTU? With a British accent? And he's a communications expert? OK! Fine!

UPDATE: "Will he hurt him?" What, Jack, hurt somebody?

UPDATE: Help me out here, during the commercial: Has Morris been on the show before? I don't remember him. On the other hand, I don't remember anything.

UPDATE: Aaron wonders how Jack is going to get on the heavily guarded helicopter transporting the president. Aaron is SO naive.

UPDATE: If she engages in acts of nookie with the Handbag, I am gonna puke.

UPDATE: I miss the submarine.

UPDATE: Yeeccchh.

UPDATE: OK, it got a little slow near the end of the hour, but so far things are looking pretty good.

UPDATE: Previously? You mean, like, just now?

UPDATE: THAT was quick.

UPDATE: Oh, right, Jack can pose as a new co-pilot ON THE PRESIDENT'S HELICOPTER. Sure! Whatever!

UPDATE: "Hey there, new guy co-pilot who has not shaved in 24 hours! Welcome aboard the president's helicopter!"

UPDATE: Mr. President, I'm Jack Bauer, and I will be your FLIGHT ATTENDANT FROM HELL.

UPDATE: Doesn't the presidential helicopter always have Air Force escorts? Wouldn't they immediately notice that it has changed course? What the hell, never mind.

UPDATE: Morris, heading back to the shoe store with a funny story to tell.

UPDATE: I remember when Burt Reynolds was a huge movie star. And now... Miller Light commercials.

UPDATE: Ooooh, the Handbag thinks he's tough.

UPDATE: This sure is a lot of talking.

UPDATE: I believe this is a trick by Jack.

UPDATE: THE PEN! THE PEN IS A TRANSMITTER!

UPDATE: Or maybe the phone.

UPDATE: Regarding the new Microsoft slogan, "Software for the People-Ready Business," my only question is: Huh?

UPDATE: Edgar is in the casket; that's why they need all those guys to carry it.

UPDATE: The First Lady is always a lot of fun.

UPDATE: They are definitely going to need counseling. Too many marriages are destroyed by nerve gas.

UPDATE: Chloe is very serious.

UPDATE: Nailed by the First Lady! So to speak.

UPDATE: OK, I am not an expert on constitutional law, but can the attorney general, who works for the president, order the president to be searched? Aw, what the hell, never mind.

UPDATE: Not Audrey and Jack in a Tender Moment! NOOOOOO.....

UPDATE: "Jack, when I heard you kidnapped the president, I... I paused as the script told me to, waiting for your line of bad dialogue."

UPDATE: YES! MORE VIOLENCE! Just when we thought there was going to be a Tender Daughter Moment!

UPDATE: Bill and Karen, sitting in a tree?

UPDATE: Awwww... Edgar.

UPDATE: "Give me three men on the perimeters." These guys will NEVER learn.

UPDATE: The Chinese subplot. Damn. We canNOT get rid of it.

UPDATE: They can't kill him. He just signed a three-year contract.

UPDATE: A happy ending, with Jack on a cruise!

UPDATE: OK, we are not even going to ask how the Chinese happened to have a team in place to kidnap Jack at the end of the episode, when nobody, including Jack, could possibly have known where he was going to be. We are going to say good night. Take it, Steve.

Comments

[Glow]

Just close your eyes and think of Aaron, Madame Kanisters!

[mellio]

Oh, cool! Time for Martha to have a five-alarm mental meltdown. THAT will keep the Handbag in his office!!!

[bizrey]

Wow, Kate is soooo...skinny.

[KOW]

I sense an impending deployment of the First Lady cannisters. If she isn't physically ill first.

[Crabby Appleton]

How is she going to stall him, the ramparts? The man is a big girl's blouse?

[Stephen J]

Gee I wonder how a first cleavage could keep the ultimate wimp prez from leaving?

[slyeyes]

Personally, I think Aaron and Mike should do a "weekend at Bernie's" thing with the dead agent.

[Jennifer]

My husband says the only thing that would make this episode better is an Ipex commercial...

[daisymae]

Was that a crab talking to a car?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

A Hellement commercial!!! ARGH!!!

[homeybeef]

every year at some point during the 24 finale, my mom decides to talk to me for about 10 minutes making sure that it is not durint commercials. every....damn....year!

[chase]

that was a VERY short stretch between commercials CHA-CHINGGGG

[jt]

Maybe Jack will talk to him quietly, reasonably, without pointing fingers, and show Handbag that you just don't DO things like that...causing him to break down in remorse and freely confess, with no violence at all!

[Allen at Division]

So....Robocop (Former Superagent) doesn't notice that his pistol is--what, a couple of POUNDS lighter than it should be IF IT WAS LOADED?!?...

[Suzy Q]

SNORK at slyeyes

[Betsy]

Gretchen... you must have missed the weeks of Mitchell-esque plot devices: "I know something's wrong here" "Oh she's just a boozehound; doesn't know what she's saying"

24 owes not a little to relatively recent American History:)

[slyeyes]

CRABS GOT CARS!!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Suzy Q: What will you do this summer without my JACK BAUER POWER HOUR openings? I'm worried about you...really...

[judio]

Hey, Chloe was married to King Julius from "Madagascar"
That's Sacha Cohen

[Glow]

Ummm, can anyone remember where the heck is Wayne?

[Betsy]

Whachu mean, there's no way Jack can access it?

[daisymae]

snork @ slyeyes

[Suzy Q]

THGuy: laughing here. Somehow, I will survive. That is, it I EVER get my ChloeSack!

[slyeyes]

Wayne......???????

[Gretchen]

Betsy: you're right. They tricked me because Martha Mitchell wasn't actually married to Nixon. But I'm on to them now!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Dave, I don't remember Morris ever being on the show before.

[judi]

oooh, THAT's the sure way to a man's heart: tell him you were wrong about him!! lol

[Suzy Q]

My PHONE IS RINGING! WTF?

[philintexas]

time to expose some weaponry maam

[chase]

Wayne???? Bruce Wayne.......AKA Batmannnnnnnnn

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

First Cleavage: "No, I don't hate you. I'm merely repulsed by you, honey."

[judio]

I like to move it move it,you like to move it move it.

[judi]

LIAH!!!!!

[Glow]

Let me prove to you how SORRY I am. I neeeeed you.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

C'mon, Handbag Manilow...fall for it...

[Wes S.]

Martha, quit trying to sweet-talk him and just SHOOT HIM IN THE THIGH!

[Ann]

Who's the guy that plays Morris? It's driving me nuts (even more than the "plot")...

[wolfie]

I need you. Right here on this desk. For the next 10 minutes.

[Betsy]

Perhaps I can errrr...show you how sorry I am (yuck ptui)

[slyeyes]

OK, they've apparently dug out an old "Guiding Light" script.

[Suzy Q]

Ohh...the Ramparts is laying it on thick. And, of course, he's falling for it. Handbag.

[sgt sickler]

'I need you too, Marty. I'm going to need a helluva scapegoat tomorrow morning..."

[Gretchen]

Euuuuuuueeeeewwuuuuuuwuwwuwuuuuwwwwuuuuu!

[judio]

Morris is Sacha COhen,he was King Julius in Madagascar

[Betsy]

Give him some tongue...

[Sam G.]

That poor woman...

[Steve-O]

Well...let's not be hasty here...

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

OOOHHH, she played the "lips" card!

[judi]

SNORK @ martha ;)

[philintexas]

she's reeling him in

[Glow]

You know, Wayne!!! Where is he? Doesn't he have a cell phone? He's missing all the action!

[wolfie]

oh
my
gawd

ewwwwwwwwwwwww

[Suzy Q]

Auuooooonnnoooo.....do they HAVE to show this?

[Betsy]

You little dickens, you!

[slyeyes]

CHARLENE!!!!!

[bizrey]

Oh God, please don't let this turn into one of those graphic scenes they're always going on about. I just ate. :P

[Larry~Barry]

Where's Bill Clinton when you need him?

[Varjak]

She's going to keep him in the building while Jack is on the copter thinking "What the hell is TAKING so long?"

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Noooo.....

Don't do it, First Cleavage...

Nooooo.....

Don't end the season like this!!

With the creepy Omen/Amityville/Shining music...

[chase]

OH GOAUD - Wheres the clock when you need it!!!!!!!!

[philintexas]

The Deuce of Ramparts is next

[Bill]

Even evil presidents need love.

[daisymae]

The First Ramparts is...smirking!

[wolfie]

Fade to black. Please. fade to blackkkkkkkkk

[mama jodeo]

This is the oldest trick in the book!! Aren't there any female writers on the show!!

[Jeannie]

EEEWWWWW!!!!

[judi]

president handbag and audrey should hook up, and make dave puke.

[chase]

OH GOAUD - Wheres the clock when you need it!!!!!!!!

[Wes S.]

And they're rubbing noses like a couple of seals. Bleecccchhhh....

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Prez Weenie: Tell my copter to stand by. How long? Two minutes.

[Suzy Q]

She's gonna want to pop some meds now.

[Larry~Barry]

... and three seconds later...

[Crabby Appleton]

OMG, you HAVE to be kidding. Men are so weak they believe that ..... The power of the breast is not to be underestimated.

How long is the delay? Ooooh, about three minutes, tops!

[daisymae]

Oh, boy, 2nd hour.

[Steve-O]

This is it!

[Gretchen]

Jack seems willing to go pretty far, there, Mike.

[slyeyes]

*snork* @ Lisa

[justmy2]

It's hard out here for a PIMP...stress that is...

[Varjak]

"How far are you willing to go?"

"As far as I have to."

I sure hope the First Lady isn't thinking the same thing...

[Bill]

euww, Jack's going to have sex with the evil president TOO!

[Allen at Division]

First Lady Ramparts takes one for the team!!

[wolfie]

At least Jake won't have to go as far as First Cleavage is. We hope.

[Betsy]

*snork* @ Bill!

[Ann]

thank you judio

[daisymae]

Snork @ Larrybarry

[homeybeef]

You know for a so-called "non stop season", it sure stops alot to tell me to buy a car and watch american idol

[KOW]

Oh the HORROR. It's worse thant a 2005 BM calendar. I hope the First Lady has a lot of pills and alcohol on standby to help scrub her mind later.

[Glow]

Oh yuck! That was the violent content they were warning us about, wasn't it? They are getting nekkid!

[T and C in KC]

Ah, Jack dialogue line #6 - "as far as I have to". It's right up there with #2 - "I'm gonna need you to trust me" and #1 - (ask question), (ask again at 20 times original volume).

[lksdlksd]

"I'm willing to go as far as President Logan is going right now."

[SlothB77]

doesn't anybody remember first cleavage from garden state. one clue: the restaurant where they have the knights and the horses and the joust

[dgibbs]

ive enjoyed the 24 blog dave but is there a show we can all watch together until jack bauer's next day on the job?

[Suzy Q]

Let's all hope that the next hour is not 58 minutes of hot presidential sex. Euwww....

Not that he would last that long.

[slyeyes]

Dave, we'd answer your Morris question, but we're busy snorking at each other.

Actually, this was my first season, so I don't know if he's been on before.

Anyone? Bueller?

[Cheesewiz]

Alright the First Lay-d is taking one for the team!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

*snork* at Lisa :)

[Jessica R.]

How far is Jack willing to go? Don't these people in the show WATCH the show? How many people has Jack sent to Valhalla?

[Stephen J]

So Jack is willing to go as far as the first lady?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!

JACK BAUER POWER HOUR™ x2!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR™ x2!!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR™ x2!!!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR™ x2!!!!

FEATURING (FOR REAL THIS TIME) (REALLY!) THE SEASON'S LAST SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY:
- JACKSACK®
- CHLOESACK®
- A VERY WET PRESIDENT-TO-BE DOS COJONES GRANDES® (if he ever resurfaces...)
- AND SOME VERY BAD TERRORIST ACCENTS... (strike that, these are gone)

[Suzy Q]

"Due to graphic and vomituous sex, viewer discretion is advised."