24

This is it, 24 fans. Tonight is the night. Hard to believe, isn't it? Months ago, when we embarked on this staggering waste of time exciting group adventure, we were just a ragtag bunch of misfits. But today, after 22 hours of collectively watching Jack Bauer race all over the greater Los Angeles perimeter shooting, choking, stabbing and yelling at people in his relentless and desperate quest for a plot, we are something more: We are pathetic no-life losers a highly disciplined viewing unit. And I am darned proud to be part of it.

Of course we are not done yet: We have two hours to go. At the end of those two hours, we will at last be able to heave up our dinner a sigh of relief as Jack punches the time clock (or shoots it in the thigh) to conclude another hard-workin' day of corpse-producin'. After that we assume Jack will spend a minimum of three hours in the bathroom.

But first Jack has some business to attend to. Here is the situation on the ground and in the water as we enter the home stretch:

Last week, the terrorist Bierko, a.k.a the Kanister King, escaped from CTU custody. This was not surprising, as CTU has established itself as a federal agency so astoundingly incompetent that even FEMA makes fun of it. After Bierko got away, he managed -- in less than one hour -- to use his remaining Killer Kanister to take over... a Russian submarine! And if you are wondering what a Russian submarine was doing in Los Angeles with almost nobody guarding it during a major terrorist alert and citywide curfew, there is a very logical explanation, which is: Look, over there! Something shiny!

So anyway, now the terrorists have missiles, and it is up to Jack, with the assistance of Chloe and Jack's trusty PDA, to thwart them. Jack will also have to deal with the president of the United States, who wants Jack dead. Of course, he has wanted Jack dead for something like 17 consecutive episodes now, so it's hard to see this as much of an obstacle, but still. The President is still being controlled by the evil bald puppetmaster, whom we cannot stand because (a) he is evil, and (b) he wears one of those stupid bluetooth ear things.

Meanwhile the First Lady is totally wasted disgusted with her husband and has definitely porked  joined forces with the loyal Aaron. The First Lady shot a secret service agent last week and will probably need a drink.

In other developments:

Audrey has totally recovered from losing 53,000 pints of blood and continues to cling to the plot like a barnacle. Her father, Secretary of Defense William Devane, was brought back from drowning two weeks ago, presumably so he can do something tonight, although it's possible that the writers, who obviously have a lot on their minds, have forgotten about him again.

Edgar is still dead.

Among the questions that we hope will be resolved tonight are:

-- Whatever happened to Jack's hot new girlfriend? Some of us can't believe she is gone from the plot while Audrey is still in it.

-- What about the German agent, whom Jack fooled with the old exploding-memory-card trick?

-- And what about Ross, the drunk who got serially tasered by Chloe in the bar? I miss Ross.

Whatever happens tonight, I want to thank all of you who have participated in the 24 effort this year -- especially the commenters, and especially the amazing Steve and his amazing plot summaries.

I believe that, together, we have demonstrated the true potential of the Internet. Any day now they're going to shut this thing down.

UPDATE: Everybody go to the bathroom now.

UPDATE: Nerve gas all gone! That was quick.

UPDATE: I love the way the terrorists declare their intentions in English. Very thoughtful.

UPDATE: Audrey is now running the country.

UPDATE: Jack has visual contact with the sub. Which means he can see it.

UPDATE: They think Jack can't get on the sub! Man, people can be SOOO stupid.

UPDATE: Petty Officer Rooney is 11 years old.

UPDATE: Just KILL him, Rooney! These kids today, I swear.

UPDATE: Our Air Force must have the slowest planes in the world if they can't get to a submarine in Los Freaking Angeles within 20 freaking minutes.

UPDATE: Petty Officer Rooney has one of those Cingular undersea phones.

UPDATE: Jack is so fatherly.

UPDATE: "His status is: dead." Good job, Petty Officer Rooney! You will get a merit badge.

UPDATE: Looks like they're launching the missiles with Windows ME.

UPDATE: Death by steam! A new one for Jack! This is excellent.

UPDATE: AND death by thighs.

UPDATE: The old no-bullets trick. Har! Henderson fell for it!

UPDATE: This is looking to be a very productive night for Jack.

UPDATE: Dang, we love Chloe.

UPDATE: You THINK it's over, Handbag.

UPDATE: The First Lady is going to help Mike put his finger on it.

UPDATE: Agent Adams? He sleeps with the Fix-a-Flat.

UPDATE: What happened to Aaron's injuries? Oh, hell, never mind.

UPDATE: KISS HER, AARON!

UPDATE: Mike and Aaron burying Agent Adams! This is getting really good.

UPDATE: The old digital-uplink trick! It just might work...

UPDATE: Morris? Who the hell is Morris?

UPDATE: Chloe's ex-husband is selling women's shoes in Beverly Hills? But now, suddenly, he's in CTU? With a British accent? And he's a communications expert? OK! Fine!

UPDATE: "Will he hurt him?" What, Jack, hurt somebody?

UPDATE: Help me out here, during the commercial: Has Morris been on the show before? I don't remember him. On the other hand, I don't remember anything.

UPDATE: Aaron wonders how Jack is going to get on the heavily guarded helicopter transporting the president. Aaron is SO naive.

UPDATE: If she engages in acts of nookie with the Handbag, I am gonna puke.

UPDATE: I miss the submarine.

UPDATE: Yeeccchh.

UPDATE: OK, it got a little slow near the end of the hour, but so far things are looking pretty good.

UPDATE: Previously? You mean, like, just now?

UPDATE: THAT was quick.

UPDATE: Oh, right, Jack can pose as a new co-pilot ON THE PRESIDENT'S HELICOPTER. Sure! Whatever!

UPDATE: "Hey there, new guy co-pilot who has not shaved in 24 hours! Welcome aboard the president's helicopter!"

UPDATE: Mr. President, I'm Jack Bauer, and I will be your FLIGHT ATTENDANT FROM HELL.

UPDATE: Doesn't the presidential helicopter always have Air Force escorts? Wouldn't they immediately notice that it has changed course? What the hell, never mind.

UPDATE: Morris, heading back to the shoe store with a funny story to tell.

UPDATE: I remember when Burt Reynolds was a huge movie star. And now... Miller Light commercials.

UPDATE: Ooooh, the Handbag thinks he's tough.

UPDATE: This sure is a lot of talking.

UPDATE: I believe this is a trick by Jack.

UPDATE: THE PEN! THE PEN IS A TRANSMITTER!

UPDATE: Or maybe the phone.

UPDATE: Regarding the new Microsoft slogan, "Software for the People-Ready Business," my only question is: Huh?

UPDATE: Edgar is in the casket; that's why they need all those guys to carry it.

UPDATE: The First Lady is always a lot of fun.

UPDATE: They are definitely going to need counseling. Too many marriages are destroyed by nerve gas.

UPDATE: Chloe is very serious.

UPDATE: Nailed by the First Lady! So to speak.

UPDATE: OK, I am not an expert on constitutional law, but can the attorney general, who works for the president, order the president to be searched? Aw, what the hell, never mind.

UPDATE: Not Audrey and Jack in a Tender Moment! NOOOOOO.....

UPDATE: "Jack, when I heard you kidnapped the president, I... I paused as the script told me to, waiting for your line of bad dialogue."

UPDATE: YES! MORE VIOLENCE! Just when we thought there was going to be a Tender Daughter Moment!

UPDATE: Bill and Karen, sitting in a tree?

UPDATE: Awwww... Edgar.

UPDATE: "Give me three men on the perimeters." These guys will NEVER learn.

UPDATE: The Chinese subplot. Damn. We canNOT get rid of it.

UPDATE: They can't kill him. He just signed a three-year contract.

UPDATE: A happy ending, with Jack on a cruise!

UPDATE: OK, we are not even going to ask how the Chinese happened to have a team in place to kidnap Jack at the end of the episode, when nobody, including Jack, could possibly have known where he was going to be. We are going to say good night. Take it, Steve.

Comments

[Betsy]

Ha, Larry!!! HAA!!

[Jessica R.]

Where's the First Ramparts?

[sgt sickler]

I think it was ARLINGTON. Makes more sense, anyway.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

First Cleavage is going to sink the Prez.

[Suzy Q]

Now, what the hell is Dr. Romano up to?

Go, First Ramparts!

[bizrey]

By "taken care of" does he mean "will bring down my Presidency"?

[Glow]

I think Mike Novick is finally waking up from his day nap.

[Gretchen]

Suuuure, Mike -- THAT doesn't make any sense. Everything else that's happened today made TOTAL sense. Geez!

[Jessica R.]

OH sorry, I forgot that I paused for a few minutes to kiss the kids goodnight...sorry.

[Sam G.]

First Cleavage looks like she's about to puke...or giggle, I dunno.

[Glow]

"Not any more," Madame Cleavage said, flitting a sideways glance at youknowwho.

[slyeyes]

After all of this time, Mike's still wearing his tie????

[tropichunt.com guy™]

"We must find another way to make a case against the President."

Heh...just let Jack in. He's got a case already!

[Suzy Q]

Yes! The Western gate! Is that like the Berlin Wall?

[philintexas]

Mars Mike

[Betsy]

Oh pleeeeeze let's have some contact?

[chase]

is Mike in on it?

[Wes S.]

Aaron: "I'll be fine; I'll go somewhere where your husband's people can't find me."

Sure. Like THAT worked out so well for Jack...

[Glow]

That look between Cleavage and Aaron tells it all, doesn't it? Ooooh, an almost-kiss there.

[wolfie]

No contact? Well so much for First Cleavage getting any sometime soon.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Aaron, call me when you get there. *snif*

[slyeyes]

I'm gonna need a hankie for this scene.

[sgt sickler]

Are they gonna....oh, come ON! Show some love, Aaron!

[Gretchen]

tropichunt.com guy: Eet's not a case, eet's a sack!

[chase]

is Mike in on it?

[Sam G.]

I'd kiss you, but I'm guessing the dried blood on my face is probably a turn off...

[philintexas]

C35820

[Betsy]

"We'll always have LA, at night, under martial law..."

[Varjak]

Bauer and Superman. That's a touchdown!

[WoosterGirl]

No, Chase, I don't think so...

[slyeyes]

"He sleeps with fix-a-flat"

SNORK!

[Suzy Q]

Ahh...unrequited love between Cleavage na Aaron. To be continued, I'm sure. In a Motel 6 on the parkway.

[wolfie]

UPDATE: Agent Adams? He sleeps with the Fix-a-Flat

*snork*

[daisymae]

Will sombebody get Ben Stein OFF the commercial circuit, please.

[Larry~Barry]

Phil - I completely agree!

[KOW]

So now Aaron is going to shack up wiht the new GF. So much to keep track of....

[Jessica R.]

Whoa that was a touching thank you! Wonder what it was really for?

[rpk]

Henderson probably is still alive..

[slyeyes]

*snork* at wolfie.

[Betsy]

phil...my codes have been looking more and more suspicious: things like "vvz7djz" I was figuring a foreign power got hold of the robot

[wolfie]

*snork*age mind meld wiff sly. Sweet!

[Crabby Appleton]

I'd kiss you but your post-sobriety breath is kickin', woman!

[Suzy Q]

Marwan has control of the robot.

[Bill]

So, Henderson is shot dead with bullets from Jack's gun, Jack is claiming that Henderson fired on him, but tests would show Henderson's gun wasn't fired. I can't WAIT for the CTU Congressional hearings.

[Betsy]

They're back in the forests of LA again.

[wolfie]

Where did they get a hefty bag big nuff for a body? I thought the white ones were only kitchen trash can sized.

[Wes S.]

...And now Evil Secret Service Dude sleeps with the wildflowers...

[Larry~Barry]

This is a unusual request, but.... are you dragging a dead body through a field?

[slyeyes]

"this is a real mess, Jack".

He's master of the understatement, that Mike.

[Betsy]

oh jeeezzz. the pres is supposed to confess on a digital uplink???

[Glow]

Oh, now finally we use the speaker phone when he could have done that with the recording!!! Sheesh, now they think of a digital uplink.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

For Mike Novick, bringing bodies of murder victims into a middle of a field at night is just part of the "political process"..."another day on the job"...

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

He staged an attack on soil? Wha?

[Gretchen]

I think Logan tried to take Jack out with way more panache than he did Logan. C'mon...

[Jessica R.]

OF COURSE, he plans to physically coerce the President! That's what he DOES!

[Larry~Barry]

Damn! We're in a tight spot!

[Wes S.]

Mike, you can delay the President's departure easily. Just shoot him in the thigh...

[Suzy Q]

Try, Mike TRY!!!

Jack, I'm dealing with a dead body, here.

Goodbye, Madam Haig.

[Gretchen]

Aaron, than he did Aaron. Argh!!

[Betsy]

I like all our alternate theories of last week better: the security system at the bank; the secret copying of the phone call; the tesimony of Heller; come ONNNN!

[Betsy]

I like all our alternate theories of last week better: the security system at the bank; the secret copying of the phone call; the tesimony of Heller; come ONNNN!

[philintexas]

Morris? No cats please

[Momanon]

Zack Morris? Can we bring in A.C. Slater too?

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Selling shoes? LOL

[wolfie]

Oooo have him bring us some new pumps. Something in black leather.

[Betsy]

Women's shoes in Beverly Hills!!!!!! One single lonely giant *SNORK* for the writers!

[Suzy Q]

Ooo.....shoes! It's getting better all the time!

[Gretchen]

"He's selling women's shoes in Beverly Hills" sure SOUNDED like a joke...

[slyeyes]

selling women's shoes in beverly hills.......

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bizrey]

Chloe's ex-whaaaa?!?! I hate him already >:(

[Varjak]

An ex-husband? WTF?

[philintexas]

Rooney, O'Brien as character names...It's the black irish mafia

[Larry~Barry]

Morris was selling shoes in Beverly Hills? After curfew???

[Glow]

Ahahahahaha...they are getting a women's shoeseller to salvage the tape. Hahahahahahhahahahaha. Sigh...Alias in half an hour.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Uh oh, jealousy at CTU

[judio]

Boy is that a stretch

[Suzy Q]

*hands wolfie a tissue and a fresh drink*

[daisymae]

Chloe's ex. This is too sweet!

[Gretchen]

We've run out of plot points - bring in the flamboyantly gay English guy, STAT!

[Wes S.]

"Audio transfer?" What, did Chloe already salvage the recording?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Taser the ex, Chloe!

(and unbutton that sweater!)

[SlothB77]

al bundy?

[slyeyes]

Did Rooney get a job as a CNN reporter?

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

*snork* @ gretchen

[philintexas]

This guy gets on any plane I'm on...I'm off

[Larry~Barry]

Now that's FAIR AND BALANCED...

[Crabby Appleton]

No WAY Chloe has an ex-husband!

[Varjak]

"Will he hurt him?" And Cheney-Lookin' Guy nods. I like that.

[Betsy]

Only Jack can interrogate like that. There's a job waitin' at Gitmo when the evening's over.

[Glow]

Let's delay Handbag with SEX, Madame Cleavage! You know your JOB!

[wolfie]

Will he hurt him?
Nawwww.. maybe just a bit of harsh language.

Thanks Suzy. I love the way Chloe just orders him around.
Bwuahahaha

[Suzy Q]

It's blowjob time, Ramparts! For the good of the country, of course.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

First Cleavage has "ways" to keep him here. She's going to need her best nighty.

[slyeyes]

Ah, come on, Martha. You know how to stall the Pres.

wink wink nudge nudge

[sgt sickler]

Break out the cleavage, Martha. That'll slow him down a couple of ticks.

[Jessica R.]

Dave,
Score one for the random plot generator - women's shoes! HA!

[Gretchen]

Martha...as in Mitchell. Notorious Watergate-era boozehound. Coincidence? I don't think so...

[chase]

will he hurt him????? Is his name NOT Frank.... I mean Jack?

[daisymae]

"If you want to bring your husband to justice..."

snork

[Wes S.]

We've run out of plot points - bring in the flamboyantly gay English guy, STAT!

Didn't they do that LAST season, with Awwwdrey's ex?

Geez, two recycled plot points in the first forty minutes...