24

This is it, 24 fans. Tonight is the night. Hard to believe, isn't it? Months ago, when we embarked on this staggering waste of time exciting group adventure, we were just a ragtag bunch of misfits. But today, after 22 hours of collectively watching Jack Bauer race all over the greater Los Angeles perimeter shooting, choking, stabbing and yelling at people in his relentless and desperate quest for a plot, we are something more: We are pathetic no-life losers a highly disciplined viewing unit. And I am darned proud to be part of it.

Of course we are not done yet: We have two hours to go. At the end of those two hours, we will at last be able to heave up our dinner a sigh of relief as Jack punches the time clock (or shoots it in the thigh) to conclude another hard-workin' day of corpse-producin'. After that we assume Jack will spend a minimum of three hours in the bathroom.

But first Jack has some business to attend to. Here is the situation on the ground and in the water as we enter the home stretch:

Last week, the terrorist Bierko, a.k.a the Kanister King, escaped from CTU custody. This was not surprising, as CTU has established itself as a federal agency so astoundingly incompetent that even FEMA makes fun of it. After Bierko got away, he managed -- in less than one hour -- to use his remaining Killer Kanister to take over... a Russian submarine! And if you are wondering what a Russian submarine was doing in Los Angeles with almost nobody guarding it during a major terrorist alert and citywide curfew, there is a very logical explanation, which is: Look, over there! Something shiny!

So anyway, now the terrorists have missiles, and it is up to Jack, with the assistance of Chloe and Jack's trusty PDA, to thwart them. Jack will also have to deal with the president of the United States, who wants Jack dead. Of course, he has wanted Jack dead for something like 17 consecutive episodes now, so it's hard to see this as much of an obstacle, but still. The President is still being controlled by the evil bald puppetmaster, whom we cannot stand because (a) he is evil, and (b) he wears one of those stupid bluetooth ear things.

Meanwhile the First Lady is totally wasted disgusted with her husband and has definitely porked  joined forces with the loyal Aaron. The First Lady shot a secret service agent last week and will probably need a drink.

In other developments:

Audrey has totally recovered from losing 53,000 pints of blood and continues to cling to the plot like a barnacle. Her father, Secretary of Defense William Devane, was brought back from drowning two weeks ago, presumably so he can do something tonight, although it's possible that the writers, who obviously have a lot on their minds, have forgotten about him again.

Edgar is still dead.

Among the questions that we hope will be resolved tonight are:

-- Whatever happened to Jack's hot new girlfriend? Some of us can't believe she is gone from the plot while Audrey is still in it.

-- What about the German agent, whom Jack fooled with the old exploding-memory-card trick?

-- And what about Ross, the drunk who got serially tasered by Chloe in the bar? I miss Ross.

Whatever happens tonight, I want to thank all of you who have participated in the 24 effort this year -- especially the commenters, and especially the amazing Steve and his amazing plot summaries.

I believe that, together, we have demonstrated the true potential of the Internet. Any day now they're going to shut this thing down.

UPDATE: Everybody go to the bathroom now.

UPDATE: Nerve gas all gone! That was quick.

UPDATE: I love the way the terrorists declare their intentions in English. Very thoughtful.

UPDATE: Audrey is now running the country.

UPDATE: Jack has visual contact with the sub. Which means he can see it.

UPDATE: They think Jack can't get on the sub! Man, people can be SOOO stupid.

UPDATE: Petty Officer Rooney is 11 years old.

UPDATE: Just KILL him, Rooney! These kids today, I swear.

UPDATE: Our Air Force must have the slowest planes in the world if they can't get to a submarine in Los Freaking Angeles within 20 freaking minutes.

UPDATE: Petty Officer Rooney has one of those Cingular undersea phones.

UPDATE: Jack is so fatherly.

UPDATE: "His status is: dead." Good job, Petty Officer Rooney! You will get a merit badge.

UPDATE: Looks like they're launching the missiles with Windows ME.

UPDATE: Death by steam! A new one for Jack! This is excellent.

UPDATE: AND death by thighs.

UPDATE: The old no-bullets trick. Har! Henderson fell for it!

UPDATE: This is looking to be a very productive night for Jack.

UPDATE: Dang, we love Chloe.

UPDATE: You THINK it's over, Handbag.

UPDATE: The First Lady is going to help Mike put his finger on it.

UPDATE: Agent Adams? He sleeps with the Fix-a-Flat.

UPDATE: What happened to Aaron's injuries? Oh, hell, never mind.

UPDATE: KISS HER, AARON!

UPDATE: Mike and Aaron burying Agent Adams! This is getting really good.

UPDATE: The old digital-uplink trick! It just might work...

UPDATE: Morris? Who the hell is Morris?

UPDATE: Chloe's ex-husband is selling women's shoes in Beverly Hills? But now, suddenly, he's in CTU? With a British accent? And he's a communications expert? OK! Fine!

UPDATE: "Will he hurt him?" What, Jack, hurt somebody?

UPDATE: Help me out here, during the commercial: Has Morris been on the show before? I don't remember him. On the other hand, I don't remember anything.

UPDATE: Aaron wonders how Jack is going to get on the heavily guarded helicopter transporting the president. Aaron is SO naive.

UPDATE: If she engages in acts of nookie with the Handbag, I am gonna puke.

UPDATE: I miss the submarine.

UPDATE: Yeeccchh.

UPDATE: OK, it got a little slow near the end of the hour, but so far things are looking pretty good.

UPDATE: Previously? You mean, like, just now?

UPDATE: THAT was quick.

UPDATE: Oh, right, Jack can pose as a new co-pilot ON THE PRESIDENT'S HELICOPTER. Sure! Whatever!

UPDATE: "Hey there, new guy co-pilot who has not shaved in 24 hours! Welcome aboard the president's helicopter!"

UPDATE: Mr. President, I'm Jack Bauer, and I will be your FLIGHT ATTENDANT FROM HELL.

UPDATE: Doesn't the presidential helicopter always have Air Force escorts? Wouldn't they immediately notice that it has changed course? What the hell, never mind.

UPDATE: Morris, heading back to the shoe store with a funny story to tell.

UPDATE: I remember when Burt Reynolds was a huge movie star. And now... Miller Light commercials.

UPDATE: Ooooh, the Handbag thinks he's tough.

UPDATE: This sure is a lot of talking.

UPDATE: I believe this is a trick by Jack.

UPDATE: THE PEN! THE PEN IS A TRANSMITTER!

UPDATE: Or maybe the phone.

UPDATE: Regarding the new Microsoft slogan, "Software for the People-Ready Business," my only question is: Huh?

UPDATE: Edgar is in the casket; that's why they need all those guys to carry it.

UPDATE: The First Lady is always a lot of fun.

UPDATE: They are definitely going to need counseling. Too many marriages are destroyed by nerve gas.

UPDATE: Chloe is very serious.

UPDATE: Nailed by the First Lady! So to speak.

UPDATE: OK, I am not an expert on constitutional law, but can the attorney general, who works for the president, order the president to be searched? Aw, what the hell, never mind.

UPDATE: Not Audrey and Jack in a Tender Moment! NOOOOOO.....

UPDATE: "Jack, when I heard you kidnapped the president, I... I paused as the script told me to, waiting for your line of bad dialogue."

UPDATE: YES! MORE VIOLENCE! Just when we thought there was going to be a Tender Daughter Moment!

UPDATE: Bill and Karen, sitting in a tree?

UPDATE: Awwww... Edgar.

UPDATE: "Give me three men on the perimeters." These guys will NEVER learn.

UPDATE: The Chinese subplot. Damn. We canNOT get rid of it.

UPDATE: They can't kill him. He just signed a three-year contract.

UPDATE: A happy ending, with Jack on a cruise!

UPDATE: OK, we are not even going to ask how the Chinese happened to have a team in place to kidnap Jack at the end of the episode, when nobody, including Jack, could possibly have known where he was going to be. We are going to say good night. Take it, Steve.

Comments

[Allen at Division]

Bill and Karen being tender?! Nooo! Had my arms flopping around like a fish on a freighter to Shanghai...

[PoorMartha]

>>Hard to say exactly when it happened... but the show has definitely jumped the shark in a big way.<<

Kim meets mountain lion = shark jump

[WoosterGirl]

GAME OVER!

Red Sox: 9, NY Doofuses: 5

[Gretchen]

Well done, fellow bloglits -- we broke 1100 comments.

[Jessica R.]

He's been Shanghaied!

[SlothB77]

chinese labor camps are not fun. jack is with the falun gong or whatever that is called now.

[slyeyes]

5 slow boats to China and 4 Shanghai's (not counting the double post)

[Glow]

Jack's going to miss American Idol finale!

[Gretchen]

Well done, fellow bloglits -- we broke 1100 comments.

[Bucket]

Hey, didja all hear that? This season was "Thrilling"! How did I miss that?

[slyeyes]

5 shanghai's now. Tied.

[sgt sickler]

JANUARY??? What are we going to do on monday nites until THEN?

[WoosterGirl]

So! We all meet back here in January? Hmmm?

[John]

recycled plot line alert

[Glow]

That's it? That's the quick preview?!

[Sam G.]

That certainly was a "special look".

Last season was much better...Marwan, Terror Family...I miss them.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

"slow boat to China"...

Boy, originality reigns supreme here on the blog as well... :)

[Mr. Completely]

Hi, I'm here, folks! What'd I miss?

[Larry~Barry]

bye all, been fun!

[Jeff Meyerson]

I haven't been blogging but here is my review: first hour, excelent; second hour, boring.

And I called it: 1)that Jack planted the recording device on Logan (why else did he take the pen and everything and then give it back?) and 2) the Chinese.

Lame.

And so was Audrey's wardrobe malfunction: a see-through sheer white blouse with a black bra? What was up with that? She had Jack without that.

[Momanon]

I count 7 shanghais

[slyeyes]

"Jack on a cruise"

*snork*

[Glow]

STEVE STEVE STEVE...hit me baby, one last time....

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Okay, what show will we be watching and blogging to NOW?

[Wes S.]

Well, Jack gets kidnapped by the Chinese, Awwwdrey is still alive and Kim is still unspanked.

Oh well: guess I have something to look forward to next season...

[WoosterGirl]

th.c guy, too much wine in self to think originilally.

*hic*

[wolfie]

Dave you're going to have to find us a new show to make fun.. erm.. enjoy as a group in a non-laughing at kind of way for Monday evenings.
Please.
And Thank you.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Dave, only Chloe's ex and Chloe knew were Jack was...so either one of them was in with the Chinese...

...and I'm NOT going to even THINK of picking Chloe...

[slyeyes]

some may have posted while I was trying to post..... plus I've had wine.

*hic*

[Gretchen]

Next January, same Jack time, same Jack channel. It's been really fun. I don't know what I'll do all summer. Maybe get back to the gym and work off the Jack-pounds.

[Sam G.]

Good job everyone, I'm gonna miss this...

Boy, I need a life.

[slyeyes]

*cliknks wine glass with WoosterGirl*

*hic*

[Glow]

At least Jack didn't have nookie with Awwwwdrey.

[slyeyes]

talk about getting BBQ'd.

[WoosterGirl]

Glow, yeah, but he did *shudder* "I love you."

Blech.

[Ford79]

Haiku, concluded.

5:00 AM - 6:00 AM

Robocop falls for
The old “empty gun clip” trick.
Martha puts out — puke!

6:00 AM - 7:00 AM

Logan slimed but good
No Ramparts for him in jail!
I hate cliffhangers!

See you all next year!

Dave: Yes, you've decoded me correctly.

[slyeyes]

oops, sorry. I switched to CSI: Miami

[KOW]

Okay January 2007, thanks for answering my question Fox. And my favourite moment of this entire episode was the smug expression on the First Lady's face wiping the smug expression of the President soon followed by "You take order from me" "Not anymore". Pins and needles. Time to catch up on the comments whilst waiting for Steve.

[Glow]

Y'all noticed Chloe is the ONLY winner on the show? She started the morning with one lover, lost one in the middle of the day, and gained another at the end of it!

[WoosterGirl]

*tosses the word "say" up to previous post*

[FleaBailey]

So what ever happened to slimy Miles?

[Suzy Q]

Belly up to the bar, girlies.....and guys, if you dare.

[Gretchen]

I hate to say goodbye, but I gotta go. Read ya in the AM, Steve.

To all and sundry -- SNORKS all around (ow - now my face hurts!) See you in the funny papers.

[Berk82]

And for those who were waiting and wondering....you may recall that Ford79 reported long ago that rather than drink shots for every "protocol" (which we couldn't possibly afford), we threw a dollar in a bucket with an extra 50 cents for every perimeter instead. Dinner at the end of the season was riding on the accumulated wealth. I can now report that a season's worth of protocols and perimeters brought in $56.50--that last shot by the agent trying to close down the area to keep Jack in LONG after he was already on the boat to Shanghai ruining the nice round number. Perhaps not quite dinner in Paris, but we ain't gonna be eating at McDonald's.

[Dave]

Ford: I knew you were the product of a good liberal-arts education.

[homeybeef]

"kill me" is what kiefer has been telling the writers since season 2.

This chinese thing is, of course, all a plan by Jack to bring down some terrorists in China.

[Allen at Division]

Was that Oddjob threatening Jack?!

[WoosterGirl]

All in all, a bit of a disappointment. Nowhere near enough bullets, although blood flow was adequate. (Jack's wound, Aaron's dried-up wounds, Robocop's wounds.) Only one perimeter, and no schematics.

Although That Look by the First Ramparts was so totally cool.

This show SO needs another Marwan for next season.

[WriterDude]

Okay, I've been deflowered and what the LA Daily News guy printed is no longer true -- I have now officially watched a minute of the show. It took 15 in real time, and why'd it have to be the minute First Ramparts spent seducing President Handbag?

I'm no longer pure, but I couldn't resist -- y'all were just too funny and it's offset only an hour here by Mountain Canister Time, with the second hour just underway. Can I tear myself away? Probably not. I'll be back to catch Steve's recap. With a nightcap, no doubt.

[SJ]

tropichunt.com guy - But... everybody knew where Jack was. They were all milling around outside. Audrey was there? The guy told him to go in to the land line for KimBait? Am I missing something?

I agree with ... ummm... somebody up there... that Logan set the Chinese onto Jack, and they were sitting around watching Jack for a few episodes.

[m]

was it just me or did the first hour go a long time with no commercial??

[tropichunt.com guy™]

m: it did for the first act.

[Glow]

It's scary when the Alias finale is making more sense than 24's.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Wow...where'd everone go? I mean, people are normally chattin' it up afterwards...was tonight's episode THAT overwhelming?!?

[WoosterGirl]

It's scary when the Alias finale has more bullets than 24.

[chrisinmd]

glow, I've watched Alias a few times myself, and while I enjoy it, it is way more confusing than 24. lol
the Chinese subplot is sooooo season 4!

[WoosterGirl]

Uh...I'm watching Alias...my DH has a thing for Sydney.

[sgt sickler]

I'm still here, patiently waiting for Steve...he is gonna show, right?

[Ford79]

I swear I did not read Dave's updates before composing my haikus. Great minds and all that.

Dang, writing this stuff on the fly is hard. My hat's off to Steve for doing it so well, every week.

[Val]

"was it just me or did the first hour go a long time with no commercial??"

I thought that too - I was trying to cook during commercials and at one point it seemed forever before a commercial break came up.

[slyeyes]

Sgt Sickler; yes. It sometimes takes him awhile to coordinate his vectors.

[Val]

I'M SO PISSED!!!!!!

[Val]

I'M SO PISSED!!!!!!

[mellio]

I think we have a winner here:

Re: Morris--"Ooh look, he's being nice. An as soon as they leave, the Chinese ninjas attack."

Yep, I'll bet Morris looks real good with one o'them bluetooth things stuck behind his ear.

And he has Chloe! OOOHHHHNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Ack!

*snif* What the he11 am I gonna do until January without you guys? This has been so much fun!!!!

[sgt sickler]

Definitely. I have often wondered how Steve actually gets to watch the show, when he is no doubt busy frantically writing the synopsis...does he just read our comments? :)

[Suzy Q]

I'm still here. Just emailing on another window. Waiting for Steve. Drinking....

[LucyVanPelt]

Accck!, my computer was down and I missed all the fun blogging. And I was out of my "beverage of choice"

I just want to say that like any good party, 24 was absolutely no fun without beer and friends.

[Val]

So, I'm assuming next season will take place in China. The writers were wanting to take it out of L.A., right? But why China???!!! Nobody in CTU speaks Chinese!

[sgt sickler]

Sly,

Mrs. Steve probably has to set up a perimeter and download his schematics and such...

[slyeyes]

What happened Val? Something burn in the kitchen?

[slyeyes]

Sgt S; well, she's taking longer than the First Cleavage did when she downloaded the Pres' schematics.

[sgt sickler]

Sly:

EWWWWWW. But wasn't that, like, two minutes?

[Glow]

Chris, I've watched almost all five seasons of Alias and only this last final season makes sense, heh. But I love Sydney almost as much as I love Jack. Now, if she had started speaking in a seductive whisper, I might have fallen in love with her too....

[Glow]

Woostergirl, It's scarier to think the LOST finale might have more bullets than 24.

[WoosterGirl]

Steve has a lot to recap - two hours worth!

Unfortunately, I don't think I can wait up that long...sleepy...very sleepy...

[Allen at Division]

Chinese Ninja with Gert Frobe voice: "No, Mr. Bond--crap, I mean Mr. Bauer--I want you to DIE! No, crap, I mean we WON'T kill you! Mwaa-ha-ha-ha!..."

[WoosterGirl]

Glow, too true, too true. That d*mn Michael. I'll be watching!

Oo, Sloane just upgraded Sydney's clearance. My DH is breaking out in hives.

[Betsy]

I hope Steve's neurons don't shut down on the same schedule as the 24 clock. We need his summary and blessing to bring closure to this hardy little band of bereft bloggers...

[Val]

"What happened Val? Something burn in the kitchen?"

Yes, while I was in the bathroom puking during the prez & marti's love scene (oh no, I'm getting sick again!)

[sgt sickler]

Yes, I agree. I must forego sleep until Steve arrives...

[Val]

Thanks for the fun this season. 'Til January....

Good night
Sleep tight
And pleasant dreams to you
Here's a wish
And a prayer
That every dream comes true
And now, till we meet again
Adios
Au Revoir
Auf Wiedersehen
Good Night!

[WoosterGirl]

I don't believe it! I shot in the thing on Alias!

DAMN!!

[sgt sickler]

Major thigh-shootin' going on in Alias. At least there was some action somewhere tonite.

[WoosterGirl]

Whoops. I meant "thigh."

[Steve]

The following takes place between 5 am and 6 am

5:00 am – A dead guard is guarding the outside of the sub while the Impeccable English Speaking Terrorist (IEST) pulls off his mask to reveal that he's disguising himself as the dog on the Our Gang comedies, using a circle around his eye. His plan, to hit all the major banking, industrial and ESPECIALLY the writers of this hour of 24. He's lecturing all the guys that are with him.... who look like they've heard this all a million times before.

5:01 – Audrey has instant messaging, with WAY too many friends on it, meaning more than just Jack. She messages an Admiral to let him know Russians have taken over the submarine, and single-handedly convinces him that they have to scramble the jets. The Admiral tells her he doesn't have that many eggs, and it could take a while.

5:02 – Jack's ready to shoot at some boxes if they move. He sneaks up near the sub, tells CTU what's going on. CTU tells him they don't have enough time to wait for the jets because scrambling takes a long time and they don't want runny jets because they'll drip over everything. Robocop spots a signal tube beacon, meaning that someone on board that sub is GREAT at holding their breath. Jack tells Chloe to listen for signals from the ship.

5:03 – Robocop wants to make sure that Jack is going to let him go at the end of all this, and to be SURE that Jack won't shoot his wife's other thigh. Jack agrees. Robocop wants a gun, and Jack points and laughs at him.

5:04 – Survivor on board! It turns out they're doing a cross promotion with CBS, and the final survivor appears to be on board the submarine in the most challenging reward challenge yet. Chloe patches him through to Jack.

5:05 – Officer Tim's on board. He looks about 12 years old, and he tells Jack he knows all about subs from his science class. Officer Tim was surfing the Internet below deck when the alarms went off, and now he's concerned he has to run this whole sub by himself. He also asks for his Mommy.

5:06 – Jack tells Officer Tim to arm himself (which is always a bad sign for secondary characters in this show), and tells Tim to kill the bad guy he sees. Tim says he's an engineer, not trained for that, and besides it would be really “icky and stuff”. Jack convinces him to do it by telling Tim they have one of the missiles aimed at Sesame Street.

5:09 – Robocop whines some more about getting a gun, and Jack gives him one.

5:09 – Back at Handbag headquarters, Cheney Looking Guy gives Manilow that bad news: There are still two hours left in the show. That, and the Russians have a submarine with 12 warheads on it. Manilow asks how this can happen, and CLG explains that if it had been on a naval base, nothing exciting would have happened in the show for at least another forty minutes.

5:10 – Mrs. Manilow is making a secret phone call to Aaron, while she's spying on Manilow and CLG. They're discussing ways they can get off the show sooner, but Aaron says there appears to be no way out.

5:11 – Chloe, who has access to the exact missile launch times but NOT the shutdown switch for the missiles themselves tells Jack they're going to have a major plot point in about 9 minutes and 39 seconds. Officer Tim's back on the phone with Jack, and gives Tim detailed instructions about how to really give the bad guy a very very gravelly singing voice. Jack finally convinces him of doing it by telling him this guy could be the next guy on American Idol. In a really gruesome scene, Tim proves that he's REALLY not good at killing bad guys quickly.

5:12 – Jack shoots some bad guys! Only 12 minutes in! We're so proud of Jack. Tim opens the hatch just as the sub makes some definitely Robocop-sounding noises. Chloe tells Jack that really had things are just about to happen with those missiles, like explosions.

5:13 – Jack goes down into the sub to meet Tim. Clearly thinking ahead, Jack makes Tim lead them further into the sub. (This is one of the things they teach you in CTU school. Always make the OTHER guy go first, just in case there is a trap).

5:14 – Jack tells Tim to create a diversion, and to NOT try and shoot everyone in sight when he gets there.

5:15 – Impeccable English Speaking Terrorist wants to toss a missile into San Francisco at a restaurant where a particularly rude waiter works. Tim's creating a diversion earlier than planned by expertly knocking over a whole box of wrenches. IEST hears that and recognizes it as a non-Terrorist noise, and goes to investigate.

5:15 – A lot of sneaking around by Jack, Tim and terrorists. Jack uses a JackMirror to check his hair and terrorists, and then crawls down towards a terrorists.

5:16 – Chloe announces that the missiles have arms. Or are armed. Something like that Jack gets really mad at this, stands up, and a terrorist attacks Jack's knife with his throat. The knife wins.

5:17 – Robocop really bravely comes down the corridor after Jack clears the way, and goes to try and disarm the missiles but he's no Chloe.

5:17 – Jack looks for more terrorists to kill. More sneaking around! The nameless guy following Jack catches a lot of bullets using his chest and falls over.

5:18 – 60 seconds until launch!

5:18 – Someone disarms Jack, but Jack is able to swing the gun and hit IEST. Jack continues the struggle and gives the guy he's fighting with a steam facial with one of the nearby steam pipes. The guy doesn't seem to like this AT ALL. Jack tells him his skin already looks a lot smoother.

5:19 – IEST hits Jack with a wrench, and it BOUNCES OFF JACK'S SKULL! Now Jack just looks mad. Jack jumps up, and starts chocking IEST with his legs, which after all the sweating he's done today have GOT to smell bad.

5:20 – Missiles disarmed, and even Chloe is impressed. Jack breaks IEST's neck with his legs. Haig has the presence of mind to call off the war planes.

5:20 – Jack goes to find Robocop, but he escaped! Jack goes up topside, and Robocop comes up from behind. Robocop goes to shoot Jack! Fortunately for him, Jack's seen “Die Hard” like about a bazillion times.... He gave Robocop a gun with no bullets!
5:21 - “I am Jack Bauer. You killed friends of mine. Prepare to die”. Jack shoots, misses Robocop's thighs, and shoots him in the chest, killing Robocop. Tim sees all this and looks like he does NOT want Jack mad at him.

Commercial

5:27 – Dramatic music blaring from police cars go to Jack, and he gets a car. Back at CTU they ask about Robocop, and Jack informs them he died from bullets traveling at great speed.

5:28 – Jack tells Chloe they need to talk, and she walks 10 feet to a secure phone where no one can hear them. Jack's going after Manilow!

5:29 – CLG tells Manilow it's all over. Manilow tells CLG he wants to make a speech at President Allstate's casket, and CLG looks like he doesn't want to hear yet ANOTHER speech from Manilow.

5:30 – Mrs. Manilow goes to CLG and tells him to come with her, and CLG looks pretty scared of what she might do to him. She convinces him to come with her.

5:31 – Manilow is on the phone with the Hollywood writer looking guy telling him that everything is going to be taken care of, including Jack Bauer. (Having these guys been paying attention at ALL this season?)

5:34 – Mrs. Manilow takes CLG to a secure garage location where Aaron is standing. Aaron explains that he tried to beat up someone using only his nose, and he shows CLG the body in the trunk. Mrs. Manilow spills her guts, and CLG looks pretty convinced. Mrs. Manilow and Aaron get REALLY close to kissing, before Aaron and CLG go off in a car towards the west gate where CLG plans on telling the guard they're just going out for McDonalds.

Commercial

5:41 – CLG and Aaron are taking a giant wax paper bag full of ex-secret service agent parts into a field when CLG's phone rings. It's Jack. He wants to talk to Aaron. Aaron tells Jack about Mrs. Manilow killing the other agent, and Jack says he's proud of her. They discuss trying to get Manilow to implicate himself in everything.

5:42 – Back at CTU, someone wants Haig back at the Homeland Security office in Washington, at the request of the Manilow.

5:43 – Chloe tells Bill and Haig that she needs a high access clearance for....I swear....A woman's shoe salesman in Beverly Hills. Bill says “Well, in that case...” and signs the order... It's CHLOE'S EX-HUSBAND!

5:44 – Morris and Chloe argue, and Chloe tells him this whole thing is an excuse for him to do get a digital transfer rate of 6.5. I think between these two, they could build a supercomputer in their sleep.

5:46 – Mrs. Manilow watches the news about Allstate, while CLG walks in and tells her about Jack's plan to call Manilow a handbag to his face. Mrs. Manilow asks if Jack's going to hurt Manilow with a really hopeful look in her eyes.

Commercial

5:53 – Jack drives out to Aaron, who we all know is Outstanding In His Field, and who is also out standing in his field. Jack wants on a secret service helicopter and after about 5 seconds, convinces Aaron that everything will be OK if he just gets near the helicopter.

5:54 – Mrs. Manilow APOLOGIZES to Manilow for calling him a handbag! He says that's he's surprised she said she hated him and broke her heart. She says she wishes she could take those words back, and what she really wanted to say is that she hates him, broke her heart, and that she's a GIANT handbag. Oh wait...she just thinks that.

5:58 - Manilow buys the whole apology! She puts the moves on him! He calls the helicopter to delay, and she looks like she's about to throw up about what she's about to do.

5:59 – Aaron and Jack walk into a building pointing guns at the walls just in case they attack. CLG calls Jack and tells him the plane's delayed. CLG asks how far Jack will go, and Jack says at least a couple of blocks....then realizes what CLG means and says “As far as I have to. But no farther. Because that wouldn't make sense. Because I would already be there. Then I would be there. That's as far as I would go. .....I gotta go.”.

Commercial

6:00 – In world record time and handbag fashion, Manilow and Mrs. Manilow are already getting ready to leave for the flight after whatever happened in about two minutes ago.

6:00 – Chloe calls Jack with the info about how he'll get on the helicopter. He's going to disguise himself as a cabin steward named Manuel. Chloe turns to Morris to get him to do something, but won't say what.

6:01 – Helicopter pilot is informed that something is wrong with his green card, and he goes off to see Aaron. CLG goes to confirm this with Aaron.

6:02 – Pilot goes into the building to talk to Aaron, and Jack gives the pilot a giant Jack hug which makes the pilot pass out with joy.

6:05 – Jack, disguised a pilot who is much taller than Jack is in reality, goes to the helicopter and gives the pilot new instructions.

6:06 – CLG tells Mrs. Manilow that she shouldn't get on the helicopter, and to make up an outrageous lie that only Manilow will believe. Mrs. Manilow tells Manilow she forgot her meds, and that she thinks he's the bravest guy in the whole world, a great dancer, and definitely not a handbag. He believes her! Manilow and two secret service guys get on the helicopter. Manilow straps himself into a booster seat.

6:07 – Jack pulls a gun on the pilot and tells him to take off his helmet and rip out his microphone because he heard him singing earlier, and he just can't stand it.

6:08 – Jack goes back to “talk” to the president, tasers BOTH secret service agents in about two seconds using a “Chloe brand Taser”, and tells Manilow to put on handcuffs. Jack takes off his helmet, and to his credit, Manilow recognizes him. Chloe gives Jack instructions on how to land near an industrial park, which I imagine is suspiciously similar to all the other industrial parks they've been around this episode.

6:09 – Manilow wants to know what Jack wants and starts asking questions. Jack gives Manilow a really hard stare and it makes Manilow really nervous and Manilow keeps rambling on and on.

6:10 – Morris is on the phone with Chloe, and Chloe tells him where to drive to. Morris acts really nervous and wants completely out of this as soon as he does the hand off. He really needs to get back to his women's shoes

6:11 – Helicopter's landing, and Jack tasers the pilot. He gets Manilow off the plane. Jack shoots a hostile looking door lock, and they enter the building.

6:12 – Jack puts down the gun, takes everything Manilow is carrying, finds the thinnest bar he can find and handcuffs Manilow to it, just to make Manilow look like more of a wimp.

6:13 – Morris gives Jack what he's carrying, and tells him Chloe wants her to talk to him.

6:14 – Chloe tells Jack that he needs to get a confession from Manilow within the next few minutes before the crack team of security people realize Manilow is missing, or they'll be sentenced to.... more seasons of “24”.

Commercial

6:18 – Sunrise and Jack's filming without a director's license, which can get you in BIG trouble in Hollywood, but Jack is taking that chance. Manilow says he's stronger than Walt, and that Jack would be surprised he's tougher than that. A full minute later, Jack gets done laughing at this.

6:19 – Jack tells the story of what happened and wants Manilow to confess about the gas canisters, President Allstate, killing people at malls, high gas prices, bird flu, and a few other things because Jack's REALLY mad. Manilow acts like he doesn't know a thing, and it's pretty convincing.

6:21 – Jack sits down and tells Manilow that he had to disappear because of what Manilow was up to. He tells Manilow that if Manilow thinks that he won't put a bullet into his head, HE DON'T KNOW JACK. Jack says unless Manilow confesses, he'll put that bullet in there, by hand if necessary.

6:22 – Manilow tells Jack that he'll go down in history with Lee Harvey Oswald and John Wilkes Booth if he pulls the trigger. Jack can't pull the trigger!

6:24 – Agents surround the building, free Manilow and take Jack into custody. Manilow picks up the stuff on the table that Jack took out of his pockets....hehehe....

Commercial

6:29 – Helicopter landing and Mrs. Manilow is waiting. CLG takes a phone call and tells Mrs. Manilow that Jack failed. New emergency backup Secret Service guys come off the helicopter with Manilow. These guys don't look like they can be tasered easily.

6:30 – Mrs. Manilow poses with Manilow for a photo op. A military band starts playing music as Allstate's body is taken to the tarmac. Someone whispers to them that they shouldn't be playing “Living La Vida Loca”, and they switch to something more somber.

6:31 – Mrs. Manilow completely freaks out and starts telling Manilow he's not fit to be president. Many people behind her don't look the least bit surprised she's saying this. Manilow has her taken away into a hanger.

6:32 – Manilow asks if the hanger is secure, goes in and starts knocking Mrs. Manilow around. He asks if he's wearing a listening device and searches her. He briefly tries on her coat, thinks it looks fashionable and then gets back to searching for something that might be transmitting.

6:33 – Manilow confronts Mrs. Manilow about Jack's plan to get on the helicopter, and asks why she did that. She said that it was all because he's a giant handbag. Manilow admits to the gas canisters, President Allstate, and everything. He tells her that if she says anything about this ever again, he'll make SURE she's back on “24” next season and she looks completely horrified.

Commercial

6:39 – Manilow is back out on the tarmac with Mrs. Manilow and he salutes a bird on the tarmac.

6:40 – Manilow goes to make a speech about how great everything is in this country. Chloe's working on something to transmit, and the attorney general is on the phone. Chloe explains that the stuff Jack took off of Manilow has a listening on it. It was hidden in Manilow's OWN PURSE.

6:41 – The play the recording, and there are lots of people with surprised looks on their faces, except anyone who was paying attention to what was happening on the show when Jack put all those things on the table when he was filming.

6:42 – Phone call to a federal marshal that hasn't been punched with Jack's elbow. It's from the Attorney General.

6:43 – Manilow sees that something is going on when several agents get onto the platform with him, and it looks like he's pretty sure they're not there to help him with his purse.

6:44 – Manilow denies everything to the Federal Marshall until the Marshall takes Manilow's purse out of his hands and shows him the beads that contained the microphone that transmitted everything he just said to Mrs. Manilow.

6:45 – Now it's Manilow's turn to try and give the evil eye to Mrs. Manilow. Mrs. Manilow looks highly amused until she can't contain herself, points and says “Ha! Gotcha!”

6:46 – Manilow tries to pull rank, and a secret service agent informs him he's been demoted from President Purse to tiny coin purse. They escort to a limo and they drive away to purse prison.

6:47 – Audrey drives up to see Jack, and they kiss. Or Jack is trying to suck the breath out of her. I'm not sure.

6:48 – An agent tells Jack that Kim is on the phone for him. Audrey threatens Jack by telling him that she won't go anywhere.

6:49 – Jack goes to take the phone call, discovers that no one is on the phone, and three guys jump Jack! They inject him with something! Jack passes out!

Commercial

6:53 – Back at CTU, Haig and Bill talk about Manilow, and they expect he'll cut a deal and only be demoted to paper bag. Haig tells Bill he'll probably be back at CTU, and he look crestfallen. Haig tells him that she was condescending and rude when she first came in, and Bill agrees wholeheartedly.
Bill asks her out to breakfast, but she declines, saying she has to get something done. She says “Write a check?” Bill happily agrees, until he realizes she meant that she'd rather have the money for breakfast.

6:55 – Bill pulls out a paper for Chloe, and it's from Edgar. It's a picture of them together. Chloe looks pretty sad about this, and inexplicably breaks out into song. She starts singing “Edgar's Favorite Things” to the tune of “My Favorite Things”, with apologies to ...well, everyone. Here's what she sang:

Bacon wrapped Ho-Hos dipped in French dressing
Beer battered donuts between burgers compressing,
Chocolate lasagna mixed with buffalo wings
Those were a few of his favorite things

Deeply fried salads and ice cream with noodles
Cheese covered cereal in the shape of a poodle
Whipped cream on catfish with onion rings
Those were a few of his favorite things
Chili on French toast with garlic molasses
Sugar tortillas and salsa in glasses
Cheesecake Alfredo with a grilled dumpling,
Those were a few of his favorite things
When Miles starts fights,
When Shari sees things,
When I'm feeling mad,
I just simply remember Edgar's favorite things
And then I don't feel so sad

Chloe looks around, hopes no one notices, and goes off with Morris, a bit happier than before.

6:57 – Audrey goes to find Jack, hears the phone that's off the hook, some ominous music, and realizes that a major plot twist just happened.

6:58 – Jack, REALLY beaten up, was abducted by the Chinese from last season! The Chinese guy tells him they tracked him down from a take out order he did several months ago. Jack asks to make one phone call. They ignore this. Jack asks for them to kill him, and they tell him he's too valuable! They show they an exterior of a ship bound of Shanghai! Jack's been Shanghaied!

7:00 – Time's up!

I want to thank Dave and Judi for letting me post these things here! It's been great fun to post along with the rest of you crazy people!

Steve "The Real Steve" Pietrowicz
srp@magiclamp.org
http://www.magiclamp.org/

[Glow]

Thank you Steve! Now go and give me a detailed account of the Alias finale ;-).

Will miss ya...talk to you next season!

[WoosterGirl]

And may I say, Thank you, Steve! You've helped make Monday nights the funnest night this side of the weekends! OK, of the entire WEEK!

Hope to read you in January! You're the best!!!!

[ChuBlogga]

Seconds President Logan spent with his wife, including undressing and dressing: 52

Yes, 52. I counted `em: at 53:10 (recording time) the camera cuts away from them, then shows the clock at 6:00:00 at 54:02, for 52 seconds. When the recap of the next episode was finished and it says "the following happens between 6:00:00 AM and 7:00:00 AM", it showed them getting dressed, at 6:00:00. I do believe that's the quickest anything gets done during the entire season of 24.

[Cheryl Howard]

Thank you so much Steve.

I am glad to be here a thousand posts in, almost diretly behind yours. Now I can go watch the Legends Ball in Peace. Bless you.

[sgt sickler]

Steve,

BRILLIANT! All we need is Julie Andrews and some mountain scenery!! Thanks for all the recaps, props to you!

[daisymae]

Thanks, Steve. I'll miss your recaps.

When do the re-runs start?

[Stan]

Did I miss something?

Did they ever explain why the President was cooperating with the terrorists and who were those guys he was talking to whom were behind the conspiracy? Or is that next season?

Stan
stanjschr@aol.com

[Jenny]

OMG- That Favorite Things parody is BRILLIANT!

[Tony]

I know what's going to happen next season!

Mitch Anderson is going to infiltrate China with a stolen F-22 and launch out the German special agent to paradrop in, saving Jack at the last minute from the clutches of Colette Stenger who is working with a Chinese mountain lion.

[slyeyes]

Steve, LOVED! the song parody.

And Stan, I don't think the bluetooth man group was ever explained.

Thanks, Steve! Good night, Mrs. Kalabash, wherever you are.

[Betsy]

Steve...Thank you for making an hysterical experience even more hysterical! See you in January, I sincerely hope.

[JT]

Don't think of Barry Manilow's "Mandy" when you read this, okay?

I remember back last year,
hours filled with dread and fear,
Nuke plants melting down,
things looked so hairy,
Jack was at top form
and the bad guys were scary,

But now it's just another day,
ending with "Anchors Away,"
Foes without a name,
Bad guys without hair,
The president's insane
And Audrey is still there--

Oh, MARWAN,
well you came and you tried destroy us,
But Jack killed you so dead, and
OH MARWAN,
You had faults, but you didn't annoy us,
Wish they killed Handbag instead OH,

Cannisters and Cintox Gas,
Not that Jack needed a mask,
I wish that you were back,
you were such an evil pro,
I even tried to find you at,
My local Home Depot,

OH MARWAN,
well you came and you killed and Jack got you,
And so this season reeked, wo-HO MARWAN,
Robocop was okay, but he's not you,
And now Jack's up a creek, Wo-HO MARWAN...

(Cough. Sputter. Choke.)

Um...little help here from the pros? Insom? Anyone?

[Ann]

Let's all raise our schematics-producing PDAs in a round of applause to the inimitable Steve. You made our season.

[bastiat]

I'd keep an eye on Peter Weller. You know they can rebuild him...

[mellio]

Oh, thank you, now that insipid Manilow tune is stuck in my head! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Noooooooooooo! EeeeeK!

btw, *snork* at everything in this blog tonight, and it's been brilliantly funny fun these last couple months :) THANKS DAVE!!!! You're the only reason I'll be back for Day Six! Well, that and darnit if I don't think Jack is a hottie, receding hairline and all (at least Kiefer is rid of that abominable mullet...), hehehe...