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May 22, 2006

24

This is it, 24 fans. Tonight is the night. Hard to believe, isn't it? Months ago, when we embarked on this staggering waste of time exciting group adventure, we were just a ragtag bunch of misfits. But today, after 22 hours of collectively watching Jack Bauer race all over the greater Los Angeles perimeter shooting, choking, stabbing and yelling at people in his relentless and desperate quest for a plot, we are something more: We are pathetic no-life losers a highly disciplined viewing unit. And I am darned proud to be part of it.

Of course we are not done yet: We have two hours to go. At the end of those two hours, we will at last be able to heave up our dinner a sigh of relief as Jack punches the time clock (or shoots it in the thigh) to conclude another hard-workin' day of corpse-producin'. After that we assume Jack will spend a minimum of three hours in the bathroom.

But first Jack has some business to attend to. Here is the situation on the ground and in the water as we enter the home stretch:

Last week, the terrorist Bierko, a.k.a the Kanister King, escaped from CTU custody. This was not surprising, as CTU has established itself as a federal agency so astoundingly incompetent that even FEMA makes fun of it. After Bierko got away, he managed -- in less than one hour -- to use his remaining Killer Kanister to take over... a Russian submarine! And if you are wondering what a Russian submarine was doing in Los Angeles with almost nobody guarding it during a major terrorist alert and citywide curfew, there is a very logical explanation, which is: Look, over there! Something shiny!

So anyway, now the terrorists have missiles, and it is up to Jack, with the assistance of Chloe and Jack's trusty PDA, to thwart them. Jack will also have to deal with the president of the United States, who wants Jack dead. Of course, he has wanted Jack dead for something like 17 consecutive episodes now, so it's hard to see this as much of an obstacle, but still. The President is still being controlled by the evil bald puppetmaster, whom we cannot stand because (a) he is evil, and (b) he wears one of those stupid bluetooth ear things.

Meanwhile the First Lady is totally wasted disgusted with her husband and has definitely porked  joined forces with the loyal Aaron. The First Lady shot a secret service agent last week and will probably need a drink.

In other developments:

Audrey has totally recovered from losing 53,000 pints of blood and continues to cling to the plot like a barnacle. Her father, Secretary of Defense William Devane, was brought back from drowning two weeks ago, presumably so he can do something tonight, although it's possible that the writers, who obviously have a lot on their minds, have forgotten about him again.

Edgar is still dead.

Among the questions that we hope will be resolved tonight are:

-- Whatever happened to Jack's hot new girlfriend? Some of us can't believe she is gone from the plot while Audrey is still in it.

-- What about the German agent, whom Jack fooled with the old exploding-memory-card trick?

-- And what about Ross, the drunk who got serially tasered by Chloe in the bar? I miss Ross.

Whatever happens tonight, I want to thank all of you who have participated in the 24 effort this year -- especially the commenters, and especially the amazing Steve and his amazing plot summaries.

I believe that, together, we have demonstrated the true potential of the Internet. Any day now they're going to shut this thing down.

UPDATE: Everybody go to the bathroom now.

UPDATE: Nerve gas all gone! That was quick.

UPDATE: I love the way the terrorists declare their intentions in English. Very thoughtful.

UPDATE: Audrey is now running the country.

UPDATE: Jack has visual contact with the sub. Which means he can see it.

UPDATE: They think Jack can't get on the sub! Man, people can be SOOO stupid.

UPDATE: Petty Officer Rooney is 11 years old.

UPDATE: Just KILL him, Rooney! These kids today, I swear.

UPDATE: Our Air Force must have the slowest planes in the world if they can't get to a submarine in Los Freaking Angeles within 20 freaking minutes.

UPDATE: Petty Officer Rooney has one of those Cingular undersea phones.

UPDATE: Jack is so fatherly.

UPDATE: "His status is: dead." Good job, Petty Officer Rooney! You will get a merit badge.

UPDATE: Looks like they're launching the missiles with Windows ME.

UPDATE: Death by steam! A new one for Jack! This is excellent.

UPDATE: AND death by thighs.

UPDATE: The old no-bullets trick. Har! Henderson fell for it!

UPDATE: This is looking to be a very productive night for Jack.

UPDATE: Dang, we love Chloe.

UPDATE: You THINK it's over, Handbag.

UPDATE: The First Lady is going to help Mike put his finger on it.

UPDATE: Agent Adams? He sleeps with the Fix-a-Flat.

UPDATE: What happened to Aaron's injuries? Oh, hell, never mind.

UPDATE: KISS HER, AARON!

UPDATE: Mike and Aaron burying Agent Adams! This is getting really good.

UPDATE: The old digital-uplink trick! It just might work...

UPDATE: Morris? Who the hell is Morris?

UPDATE: Chloe's ex-husband is selling women's shoes in Beverly Hills? But now, suddenly, he's in CTU? With a British accent? And he's a communications expert? OK! Fine!

UPDATE: "Will he hurt him?" What, Jack, hurt somebody?

UPDATE: Help me out here, during the commercial: Has Morris been on the show before? I don't remember him. On the other hand, I don't remember anything.

UPDATE: Aaron wonders how Jack is going to get on the heavily guarded helicopter transporting the president. Aaron is SO naive.

UPDATE: If she engages in acts of nookie with the Handbag, I am gonna puke.

UPDATE: I miss the submarine.

UPDATE: Yeeccchh.

UPDATE: OK, it got a little slow near the end of the hour, but so far things are looking pretty good.

UPDATE: Previously? You mean, like, just now?

UPDATE: THAT was quick.

UPDATE: Oh, right, Jack can pose as a new co-pilot ON THE PRESIDENT'S HELICOPTER. Sure! Whatever!

UPDATE: "Hey there, new guy co-pilot who has not shaved in 24 hours! Welcome aboard the president's helicopter!"

UPDATE: Mr. President, I'm Jack Bauer, and I will be your FLIGHT ATTENDANT FROM HELL.

UPDATE: Doesn't the presidential helicopter always have Air Force escorts? Wouldn't they immediately notice that it has changed course? What the hell, never mind.

UPDATE: Morris, heading back to the shoe store with a funny story to tell.

UPDATE: I remember when Burt Reynolds was a huge movie star. And now... Miller Light commercials.

UPDATE: Ooooh, the Handbag thinks he's tough.

UPDATE: This sure is a lot of talking.

UPDATE: I believe this is a trick by Jack.

UPDATE: THE PEN! THE PEN IS A TRANSMITTER!

UPDATE: Or maybe the phone.

UPDATE: Regarding the new Microsoft slogan, "Software for the People-Ready Business," my only question is: Huh?

UPDATE: Edgar is in the casket; that's why they need all those guys to carry it.

UPDATE: The First Lady is always a lot of fun.

UPDATE: They are definitely going to need counseling. Too many marriages are destroyed by nerve gas.

UPDATE: Chloe is very serious.

UPDATE: Nailed by the First Lady! So to speak.

UPDATE: OK, I am not an expert on constitutional law, but can the attorney general, who works for the president, order the president to be searched? Aw, what the hell, never mind.

UPDATE: Not Audrey and Jack in a Tender Moment! NOOOOOO.....

UPDATE: "Jack, when I heard you kidnapped the president, I... I paused as the script told me to, waiting for your line of bad dialogue."

UPDATE: YES! MORE VIOLENCE! Just when we thought there was going to be a Tender Daughter Moment!

UPDATE: Bill and Karen, sitting in a tree?

UPDATE: Awwww... Edgar.

UPDATE: "Give me three men on the perimeters." These guys will NEVER learn.

UPDATE: The Chinese subplot. Damn. We canNOT get rid of it.

UPDATE: They can't kill him. He just signed a three-year contract.

UPDATE: A happy ending, with Jack on a cruise!

UPDATE: OK, we are not even going to ask how the Chinese happened to have a team in place to kidnap Jack at the end of the episode, when nobody, including Jack, could possibly have known where he was going to be. We are going to say good night. Take it, Steve.

Comments

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For all, it is a sad time: JackSack™ is about to go on hiatus. Well, for awhile, anyway...
I could not have predicted that the season was going to end after only 24 hours.
Right or wrong, it was a heckuva season. Nah, who am I fooling?!
So, Jack and ChloeSack™ going away for a bit, until next season.
Twenty Four writers...bring back Marwan!

Thanks for a great season, Dave! The writers of 24 should be looking to you for material! :)

ooo, third.

Fourth?

Sooo, consensus? A fifth of what?

This is my Fifth.

What? What???!

As we approach the 24 finish line, many of you probably don’t remember how we got here. For you, I offer:

The haiku episode guide to 24.
(One verse for each hour.)

7:00 AM - 8:00 AM

Jack’s a roustabout
Someone’s bumping off his friends
Chloe calls; Jack comes.

8:00 AM - 9:00 AM

Girlfriend’s surly son
Goes with Jack to the airport,
Gets taken hostage.

9:00 AM - 10:00 AM

With just a cell phone
Jack blows a bad guy to bits.
“Can you smear me now?”

10:00 AM - 11:00 AM

“Flank two position.”
Hobbit recognizes code,
Saves a lot of butts.

11:00 AM - 12:00 PM

Killer kanisters!
(Who writes this stuff, anyway?)
Jack scissors fake doc.

12:00 PM - 1:00 PM

First Lady cracks up.
Jack plays mumblety-peg with
Walt Cummings’ eyeball.

1:00 PM - 2:00 PM

Terrorists change plans
Thus scaring Logan witless
Not that this is hard.

2:00 PM - 3:00 PM

Shopping mall attack!
Nerve gas in ventilators
Improves food court fare.

3:00 PM - 4:00 PM

First Lady Ramparts,
Since hubby lacks cojones,
Goes off with Russians.

4:00 PM - 5:00 PM

Hobbit gets locked up
Robocop tries to bomb Jack
Aaron saves Ramparts

5:00 PM - 6:00 PM

Mrs. Robocop
Gets shot in the thigh by Jack.
What took him so long?

6:00 PM - 7:00 PM

Kim and her shrink/squeeze
Come just in time for nerve gas.
Edgar dies. This sucks.

7:00 PM - 8:00 PM

Hobbit’s a hero
Fixes doubletalk device
Then dies. Tony too.

8:00 PM - 9:00 PM

DHS arrives.
Hot terrorist chick Collette
Implicates Audrey.

9:00 PM - 10:00 PM

Audrey cries. Who cares.
Jack blows up half of L.A.
Canisters flambeed.

10:00 PM - 11:00 PM

Big revelation:
Logan’s in with Robocop!
Scumbucket handbag!

11:00 PM - 12:00 AM

Find the recording!
Bodies pile up in city
As Jack does his thing.

12:00 AM - 1:00 AM

Jack smacked — by Heller.
Gunfight by fuel truck leads to
Toasted terrorists.

1:00 AM - 2:00 AM

Martial law in force
So Jack just strolls past soldiers
Stows away on plane.

2:00 AM - 3:00 AM

Chloe’s in a bar,
Tasers obnoxious drunk guy.
She’s a righteous babe.

3:00 AM- 4:00 AM

Jack gets recording
Prez wants to shoot self but can’t.
Brain’s too small a mark.

4:00 AM - 5:00 AM

Bierko escapes
No...please...not more canisters!
Here we go again…

(To be concluded)

Ok, we all got our numbers right, so far.

You know what this means, don't you?

That's right, 24 countdown checklist time.

wine: check

dinner: check. I ordered pizza. No time to cook tonight!

blog people: shambling together, but I am SURE we will all be here by 8:00 Eastern Canister Time!

Nah, I don't need anything else.

Bring it ON!

Yay, Ford! Excellent job!

Last season inspired me to do haiku...I never got the excitement up enough to do any this season...

Wow, Ford79! You totally rock!!!

Hey, Suzy, we should have coordinated a viewing/blogging party! I always like to < a href="http://www.vwtech.com/tropichunt/year_photos.asp?huntyear=2005&photonumber=419">meet celebrities...

I deeply regret not being able to join this merry band of bloggers but:

1. I live on the West Coast and
2. I've never watched the show.

However, I've much enjoyed reading all your comments in the past and suspect that they are much more entertaining than actually watching it. In an effort to give back to those who have given me so much entertainment, I offer the following before I go off to browbeat my 9 year-old daughter into doing her homework..

(With deepest apologies to Lerner & Lowe)


There’s just two more hours, that’s all we have to wait.
Just two more hours, until Jack knows his fate….

“There are crooks and kanisters all over LA and I’ve only got two hours to track them down…”

I’ve got to save the world in two hours,
BLEEP, BLOOP, Jack Bauer Power Hour is nigh…

Watch out for President Manilow,
Oooh, Look - there’s a sub below!

And I really need to shoot someone’s thigh…

I’ve got to save the world in two hours
BLEEP, BLOOP, Jack Bauer Power Hour is nigh…

Chloe’s a goddess
‘Though her personality’s the oddest,

And I really need to shoot someone’s thigh…

If someone’s spying, track ‘em down,
If Awwdry’s crying, get her out of town!

Oh, I’ve got to save the world in two hours
BLEEP, BLOOP, Jack Bauer Power Hour is nigh…

The technology is neat-o,
Hey - where’s my mojito?

But I really need to shoot,
I really need to shoot,
I really need to shoot someone in the thigh!

Have a great evening y'all!

Wow...that worked...well...NOT!

*sigh*

Maybe I am excited...but it was over Ford's haiku and my looking forward to Steve's review later...everything else in between is just mediocre...

G'night Marfie! Great singing.

Bravo, Ford and marfie!

"Can you smear me now?" Oh yes!

THguy: Only if you came over here and put your jammies on.

Double snork @ Ford. No, triple snork. No, make that 22 snorks!

Suzy Q: Uhhh....wife....wouldn't...like...that...

;)

THguy: Bring her along! We can have a menage a 24! Jammies and pizza!

24 Slumber Party at Suzy Q's house!

I'll bring margaritas.

Nice Job, Ford!

Thanks, Dave, for introducing me to 24; you've made Mondays truly memorable for me. I am totally addicted to this show now. I'm gonna sign off for tonight because I live on the West Coast and don't want to get spoiled (I'll never forget reading that the Handbag was the bad guy and screaming, "NOO! WHY DID I READ THAT??") but will come back tomorrow to read everybody's posts! I applaud you!!

Go, Aaron and Martha - run away together! As fast as possible, if you want to live through the finale.

Hey, WoosterGirl! Best being some more pizza, too. Only ordered a small. Oh, hell. They deliver. Git yer ass over here!

Well, I WOULD, but she's never really watched the show...not really a fan of the sho..er...wait..why does any of that matter?! 99% of the people who post comments here don't watch it either! Including the writers!

While we are waiting....
This is a link to a song about Jack Bauer "John Mellencamp's Theme from 24" (Jack&Diane)

http://www.paulandstorm.com/sounds.htm

THguy: She would turn down a menage a 24 with another hot redhead? For shame! If she's married to you, she shouwld KNOW that watching doesn't count!

a little More thigh shootin,and a lot less tortured emoting would make for a better finale. I'm just sayin...

Suzy Q: Comin' right over with more wine, and the margaritas, and some mojitos for good measure.

My ass is flyin'!

I am so torn. Red Sox are playing the Evil Empire even as we speak. Will have a multimedia presentation going...baseball, 24, and blog. Oh my!

Chloe: Jack, I've infiltrated a blog that is tracking your every move. They have people all over the country watching you. Here's the worst part - Jack - they're, they're...CRAZY!"

West Coast 24 junkie here... just want to say how much I've enjoyed reading all your posts. How do you all watch the show and post at the same time? Thanks for all the hilarious comments, I read them with my coffee the next morning, which thrills my employer no end, I can tell you. see you all in January (how am I gonna make it that long????)

Whoo! WoosterGirl and I are gon' get druuunk!

nancy: It ain't easy.

Jeannie, I know. Have DH on upstairs TV yelling down any important game plays.

I have been practicing my multitasking skills all day!

Nancy, alcohol helps. Lots of alcohol.

WoosterGirl: I see DunbHusband/DickHead/DreadHickey is on the job, but what about the spawn? Are they sufficently ...er...medicated?

Wooster Girl, problem is, the more we drink, the harder it is to multitask!

Ford79: Excellent work.
Would that be (Haver)Ford(19)79?

So, who would win in a fight between Jack O'Neill and Jack Bauer?

SQ: Eldest Spawn will be watching 1st hour. Youngest spawn will be put to bed by D(eadbeat)H(ubbie).

Jeannie, I know. Try to read my posts towards as the evening progresses. They will become quite, um, illegible.

Completely unreadable if the Sox WIN!!!!!

okie dokie
corona... check
protective hoodie.. check
unbridled luv for chloe the ubergeek... check
need for a cohesive plot... suspended
I think I'm ready

Sorry, being a virgin to this blog, I posted this in the wrong place, so here goes again...
I've been a (silent) fan of this blog for most of season 5 and now I'm getting misty-eyed just thinking that I won't get to enjoy my weekly blog-watching Monday nite routine any more. I think I'll miss this blog even more than getting my Kiefer fix.
You guys are the best. Thanks for many many good times. I mean it.
And Dave, thank you for making me laugh so hard I almost shot myself in the thigh.
Hey--Maybe Audrey will get it tonight. Everyone else has this season...we can only hope.

AnotherBob: Why would you pose such a ridiculous question to such a serious blog as this?!

O'Neill's going DOWN, baby! Faster than the Asgard Thor can beam his butt outta there!

Wow! We have blog-lurkers who are comin' outta the woodwork tonight. Best be on our good behavior. Hah! Snork!

DIE, AUDREY, DIE!!!!


*waves at wolfie*

The German agent went back to the Lost island for the Lost finale on wednesday.

homeybeef: Exactly...I mean, these two universes ARE intertwined...

That DOES make AnotherBob's comment/question a little more valid then, doesn't it?

O'Neill's STILL going down...

I dunno, O'Neill's saved the world. Bauer has only saved LA.

and I have returned from my job thing early. So I don't have to miss any of my precious Jack Bauer time

Hiya vienna and welcome to deblurkerdom!

*waves madly to Suzy Q*

*realizes she is in fact waving at her pc*

*casually sits on hand*
Move along. Nothing to see here...Look.. something shiny..

Hey, wolfie! Maybe Chloe will get outta that rancid sweater tonight. I just KNOW you're waiting!

But O'Neill's missing three important things:
- JackSack™
- The Protective Hoodie™
- Chloe (supported very nicely by ChloeSack™)

But O'Neill's missing three important things:
- JackSack™
- The Protective Hoodie™
- Chloe (supported very nicely by ChloeSack™)

Good point.

Also missing.. Jacks PDA of Power.

Suzy ~ at this point I'd settle for the tazered drunk getting her outta it. The thing is still just as hideous as when the season started.

I completely concur with THguy that Jack Bauer will totally take on that other Jack guy...whoever he is....I already forget.

*sighs and waits for order fulfillment for her ChloeSack*

Okay, it's time for me to move my vitals downstairs to the TV, start my mass consumption of social lubricant, and prepare for the kickoff of tonight's show...

See y'all in a few! :)

I am so disgusted I didn't find you guys until a week or so ago. :sigh: I'm sure it's somehow Audrey's fault. We can but hope she buys it tonight....

Me too. What thc.guy said.

Suzy Q and Woostergirl: If I bring my fabulous sidecars and some shrimp cocktail, can I come?

I see all my rowdy friends are here on Monday night!

Suzy Q: If my wife didn't object, I'd temporary stand in until your ChloeSack™ order was fil..er...um...this just sounds soooooo wrong...

Shrimp cocktail? I am SO there!

Gretchen: Sidecars and shrimp?? You are SO in!

Bring your jammies!

Snork at THguy's ....erm...discomfort. Hey, fulfill me in whatever way you can.

Jeannie: come on along. Whatchew bringin'?

I don't think Steve has done a two-hour episode before, so maybe we can all chip in and get him some typing support.

Jammies on! Ready to rock and roll!

Welcome, Tori! Better late than never; and you'll be with us for the full season next year.

I just have to remember the during hour 22:50:03, I have to call my mother and tell her that I'm deferring my nightly phone call until 24:00. (I'm timing my call to her for the hiatus during which Steve frantically creates his inimitable summary.)

and *snorks* to ford, marfie, and so many others!

Jack Bauer is going to take out that russian sub like it's nothing more than a helecopter full of armed terrorists

OMG!!! I'm out of wine!!!!!

(I haven't had a chance to catch up on the 67 or so posts, but HI!! to everyone)

Audrey. Must. Die.

That is all.

SuzyQ: I'm bring wine and whoopie pies.

Out of wine?!!?!? Where's Jack when there's a REAL EMERGENCY! (The JackSack looks like it would fit a few bottles.)

sly: We gotta jammie party goin' on! Lots of wine, mojitos, margaritas, sidecars, shrimp, pizza, whoopie pies...come on over!

Wow, the 24 Suzy Q Slumber Party is Rockin'!!

*waves hi to Gretchen*

I have returned refreshed, after having shot Young Spawn in the thigh for not going to bed. It has served as warning to Eldest Spawn, and DH too, come think of it.

Jack Bauer Power Hour, BRING IT ON.

Jeannie - Yankees are up 1-0 on your beanie boyz.
tick...tick...tick...

It's still light outside and the Jack Bauer Power Hour is about to begin. That just feels wrong...

Jeannie: WTF is a whoopie pie?

Hi, sly! out of wine??? for the last episode??? Damn, girl...got any cough syrup at least?

See ya all after the show....

BLEEP!
BLOOP!
BLEEP!
BLOOP!

JACK BAUER POWER HOUR™!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR™!!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR™!!!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR™!!!!

FEATURING THE SEASON'S LAST SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY:
- JACKSACK®
- CHLOESACK®
- A VERY WET PRESIDENT-TO-BE DOS COJONES GRANDES®
- AND SOME VERY BAD TERRORIST ACCENTS...

Some...but not nearly enough...graphic violence

I cracked open a bottle of Sebastiani Madrone Ranch Merlot that I'd been saving.

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Yay, TropicHuntGuy!

Thanks for melting me one last time. :)

And I just cracked open a bottle of Bud Light. Probably not quite the same vintage. I think I have cheese in the fridge that is older.

Ruh roh! The Killer Kanister has been deployed.

I won't be able to be with you guys tonight because I have a life-altering (well, it will alter someone's life, mine...not so much) phone call in about 30 min.

I am at work so I will be watching it sans imbibing. I read this blog every week but now I shall miss the blog and my weekly lust after jack and chloe day for a while. Maybe next season I shall post but wanted to *wave* atchas.

Hmmm. Does that secret service guy look like a guy from "Bob Roberts" or Jack Black to anyone else?

Maybe the sun will come up soon, please?

It's so convenient that foreign agents speak English for us.

Yes, Isn't it, sly?

Whoopie pies are a New England treat. Two chocolate cake hamburger bun shaped cookies surrounding a white frosting with lots of marshmallow fluff center.

And the evil empire s*cks.

Oh, how exciting...Audrey is using IM...

88 posts before the first scene. good work!

"Our countrymen"??? Who the f*ck ARE your countrymen??? Cockney Czechs???

PLUG FOR CISCO SYSTEMS!

Aaaannnnnnnnnddd...............we have our first Audrey sighting. Yick.

Why isn't she dead already?

Do F-18s even exist?

Whew, one hour before Alias finale. Oh, wrong blog.

What's the time on the radar range???!!!

I'll have an order of scrambled fighters, and a side of thighs, crispy, please?

Oh boy, I'm just in time!

...Here's hoping President Handbag and Awwwdrey get painfully whacked and somebody finally gives Kim a good spanking.

...Looks like the Admiral is just as sick of the whole Killer Kanister plotline as we are, judging from his reaction to Awwwdrey's news that the terrorists used one on the sub.

glow: i'm trying to figure out what to do about the last hour of this!

whoopie pies? And pizza with margaritas? I didn't think anyone else ate those together. I feel like I'm finally...sniff...home!

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