This is it, 24 fans. Tonight is the night. Hard to believe, isn't it? Months ago, when we embarked on this
staggering waste of time exciting group adventure, we were just a ragtag bunch of misfits. But today, after 22 hours of collectively watching Jack Bauer race all over the greater Los Angeles perimeter shooting, choking, stabbing and yelling at people in his relentless and desperate quest for a plot, we are something more: We are pathetic no-life losers a highly disciplined viewing unit. And I am darned proud to be part of it.
Of course we are not done yet: We have two hours to go. At the end of those two hours, we will at last be able to heave
up our dinner a sigh of relief as Jack punches the time clock (or shoots it in the thigh) to conclude another hard-workin' day of corpse-producin'. After that we assume Jack will spend a minimum of three hours in the bathroom.
But first Jack has some business to attend to. Here is the situation on the ground and in the water as we enter the home stretch:
Last week, the terrorist Bierko, a.k.a the Kanister King, escaped from CTU custody. This was not surprising, as CTU has established itself as a federal agency so astoundingly incompetent that even FEMA makes fun of it. After Bierko got away, he managed -- in less than one hour -- to use his remaining Killer Kanister to take over... a Russian submarine! And if you are wondering what a Russian submarine was doing in Los Angeles with almost nobody guarding it during a major terrorist alert and citywide curfew, there is a very logical explanation, which is: Look, over there! Something shiny!
So anyway, now the terrorists have missiles, and it is up to Jack, with the assistance of Chloe and Jack's trusty PDA, to thwart them. Jack will also have to deal with the president of the United States, who wants Jack dead. Of course, he has wanted Jack dead for something like 17 consecutive episodes now, so it's hard to see this as much of an obstacle, but still. The President is still being controlled by the evil bald puppetmaster, whom we cannot stand because (a) he is evil, and (b) he wears one of those stupid bluetooth ear things.
Meanwhile the First Lady is totally
wasted disgusted with her husband and has definitely porked joined forces with the loyal Aaron. The First Lady shot a secret service agent last week and will probably need a drink.
In other developments:
Audrey has totally recovered from losing 53,000 pints of blood and continues to cling to the plot like a barnacle. Her father, Secretary of Defense William Devane, was brought back from drowning two weeks ago, presumably so he can do something tonight, although it's possible that the writers, who obviously have a lot on their minds, have forgotten about him again.
Edgar is still dead.
Among the questions that we hope will be resolved tonight are:
-- Whatever happened to Jack's hot new girlfriend? Some of us can't believe she is gone from the plot while Audrey is still in it.
-- What about the German agent, whom Jack fooled with the old exploding-memory-card trick?
-- And what about Ross, the drunk who got serially tasered by Chloe in the bar? I miss Ross.
Whatever happens tonight, I want to thank all of you who have participated in the 24 effort this year -- especially the commenters, and especially the amazing Steve and his amazing plot summaries.
I believe that, together, we have demonstrated the true potential of the Internet. Any day now they're going to shut this thing down.
UPDATE: Everybody go to the bathroom now.
UPDATE: Nerve gas all gone! That was quick.
UPDATE: I love the way the terrorists declare their intentions in English. Very thoughtful.
UPDATE: Audrey is now running the country.
UPDATE: Jack has visual contact with the sub. Which means he can see it.
UPDATE: They think Jack can't get on the sub! Man, people can be SOOO stupid.
UPDATE: Petty Officer Rooney is 11 years old.
UPDATE: Just KILL him, Rooney! These kids today, I swear.
UPDATE: Our Air Force must have the slowest planes in the world if they can't get to a submarine in Los Freaking Angeles within 20 freaking minutes.
UPDATE: Petty Officer Rooney has one of those Cingular undersea phones.
UPDATE: Jack is so fatherly.
UPDATE: "His status is: dead." Good job, Petty Officer Rooney! You will get a merit badge.
UPDATE: Looks like they're launching the missiles with Windows ME.
UPDATE: Death by steam! A new one for Jack! This is excellent.
UPDATE: AND death by thighs.
UPDATE: The old no-bullets trick. Har! Henderson fell for it!
UPDATE: This is looking to be a very productive night for Jack.
UPDATE: Dang, we love Chloe.
UPDATE: You THINK it's over, Handbag.
UPDATE: The First Lady is going to help Mike put his finger on it.
UPDATE: Agent Adams? He sleeps with the Fix-a-Flat.
UPDATE: What happened to Aaron's injuries? Oh, hell, never mind.
UPDATE: KISS HER, AARON!
UPDATE: Mike and Aaron burying Agent Adams! This is getting really good.
UPDATE: The old digital-uplink trick! It just might work...
UPDATE: Morris? Who the hell is Morris?
UPDATE: Chloe's ex-husband is selling women's shoes in Beverly Hills? But now, suddenly, he's in CTU? With a British accent? And he's a communications expert? OK! Fine!
UPDATE: "Will he hurt him?" What, Jack, hurt somebody?
UPDATE: Help me out here, during the commercial: Has Morris been on the show before? I don't remember him. On the other hand, I don't remember anything.
UPDATE: Aaron wonders how Jack is going to get on the heavily guarded helicopter transporting the president. Aaron is SO naive.
UPDATE: If she engages in acts of nookie with the Handbag, I am gonna puke.
UPDATE: I miss the submarine.
UPDATE: OK, it got a little slow near the end of the hour, but so far things are looking pretty good.
UPDATE: Previously? You mean, like, just now?
UPDATE: THAT was quick.
UPDATE: Oh, right, Jack can pose as a new co-pilot ON THE PRESIDENT'S HELICOPTER. Sure! Whatever!
UPDATE: "Hey there, new guy co-pilot who has not shaved in 24 hours! Welcome aboard the president's helicopter!"
UPDATE: Mr. President, I'm Jack Bauer, and I will be your FLIGHT ATTENDANT FROM HELL.
UPDATE: Doesn't the presidential helicopter always have Air Force escorts? Wouldn't they immediately notice that it has changed course? What the hell, never mind.
UPDATE: Morris, heading back to the shoe store with a funny story to tell.
UPDATE: I remember when Burt Reynolds was a huge movie star. And now... Miller Light commercials.
UPDATE: Ooooh, the Handbag thinks he's tough.
UPDATE: This sure is a lot of talking.
UPDATE: I believe this is a trick by Jack.
UPDATE: THE PEN! THE PEN IS A TRANSMITTER!
UPDATE: Or maybe the phone.
UPDATE: Regarding the new Microsoft slogan, "Software for the People-Ready Business," my only question is: Huh?
UPDATE: Edgar is in the casket; that's why they need all those guys to carry it.
UPDATE: The First Lady is always a lot of fun.
UPDATE: They are definitely going to need counseling. Too many marriages are destroyed by nerve gas.
UPDATE: Chloe is very serious.
UPDATE: Nailed by the First Lady! So to speak.
UPDATE: OK, I am not an expert on constitutional law, but can the attorney general, who works for the president, order the president to be searched? Aw, what the hell, never mind.
UPDATE: Not Audrey and Jack in a Tender Moment! NOOOOOO.....
UPDATE: "Jack, when I heard you kidnapped the president, I... I paused as the script told me to, waiting for your line of bad dialogue."
UPDATE: YES! MORE VIOLENCE! Just when we thought there was going to be a Tender Daughter Moment!
UPDATE: Bill and Karen, sitting in a tree?
UPDATE: Awwww... Edgar.
UPDATE: "Give me three men on the perimeters." These guys will NEVER learn.
UPDATE: The Chinese subplot. Damn. We canNOT get rid of it.
UPDATE: They can't kill him. He just signed a three-year contract.
UPDATE: A happy ending, with Jack on a cruise!
UPDATE: OK, we are not even going to ask how the Chinese happened to have a team in place to kidnap Jack at the end of the episode, when nobody, including Jack, could possibly have known where he was going to be. We are going to say good night. Take it, Steve.