24

We begin tonight's episode hoping desperately that a serious plot will emerge in time to be resolved next week, in the Big Two-Hour Season Finale.

What do I mean by "a serious plot?" I mean "a plot where at least one major U.S. metropolitan area is totally doomed." Think back to last year, when we had, as our arch-villain: Marwan. Now there was a villain. He shot down Air Force One, and then he almost caused nuclear reactors all over the United States to melt down, and all of that was just a diversion to draw attention away from his real evil plan, which was to launch a nuclear missile from Iowa (a known rogue terrorist state) at Los Angeles. Jack thwarted Marwan, of course, but not before Marwan thwarted Jack and the entire U.S. military about 17 times. He was a Thwarting Machine, that Marwan, and by God I miss him.

And what kind of plot do we have this year? For a while we had the Killer Kanisters, but they never seemed all that scary. Mostly they rode around Los Angeles getting Karsick. After the Kanisters got blown up, all we had left, plotwise, was: the Secret Recording. Ooooh! A recording! For weeks now, Jack has been chasing this recording around in a series of episodes in which the only truly memorable action sequence involved Chloe tasering a drunk named Ross in a hotel bar.

Anyway, last week, Jack finally obtained the recording that, if made public, would expose the president of the United States as a murdering scumbucket. But did Jack, having risked the lives of a planeload of innocent people to get hold of the recording, immediately make it public? Of course not! He rode back to CTU, handed the recording to Chloe, then wandered off to moon over Audrey.  Good going, Jack! Way to prioritize!

And as for Chloe -- a woman so technologically advanced that, simply by tapping on her keyboard, she can remotely defrost any given refrigerator on the planet -- did she immediately make the recording public? Of course not! She sat there, tapping cluelessly away, while Miles the Homeland Security Creepster, who might as well have the words "BAD GUY" tattooed on his forehead, wandered over and did something to the recording with a mysterious black plot device.

And so tonight we begin yet another episode with not much going on except for the president being puppeted via cell phone by the evil villain bald puppetmaster Graham, who has got to be the most boring evil puppetmaster since... well, since whoever was the evil puppetmaster before Graham.

The point is, something had better happen tonight, and it had better be something truly dastardly. It had better not be just the president ordering Jack arrested for the 283rd time this season alone. No,  dammit: We have sat through 21 hours of fake tension. The writers owe us something big.   

Speaking of something big: Edgar is still, as of this writing, dead. On the other hand, Secretary of Defense William Devane, despite having spent two episodes under water, is alive! Meanwhile the First Lady is still totally wasted resting.

Also be advised that a guy named "Bierko," who was the evil genius mastermind behind the Killer Kanisterzzzz plot, suddenly reappeared last week to be transported somewhere. He exchanged a Meaningful Look and a Nod with the van driver, so as to indicate to every member of the viewing public with an intelligencve level of rutabaga or higher that they are Up To Something.

That is where we stand as we begin tonight's episode. Time is running out. They need to turn this season around now, or else I swear I'm going to... OK, I'm going to tune in next week no matter what. But still.

UPDATE: Whoa. The president on Prison Break just died. But of course he was a different president.

UPDATE: So NOW Chloe figures it out.

UPDATE: They need to call Technical Support.

UPDATE: Man, Jack has gotten soft. He broke, like, zero of Miles' bones.

UPDATE: It's a TRICK, Jack.

UPDATE: Not the Kanisterzzzz!

UPDATE: Bierko just ripped his Band Aid right off. That is a manly terrorist.

UPDATE: The First Lady knows how to party.

UPDATE: Good old Aaron.

UPDATE: Aaron "Charles"ed him. Whoa.

UPDATE: OK, could this be moving any slower?

UPDATE: They're gonna take Jack out. Ooooh, we're scared.

UPDATE: So do we think Jack is going to end up saving President Manilow from Bierko? Wouldn't that be ironic?

UPDATE: If David Palmer were here, he would want Jack to buy some Allstate brand insurance, that's what.

UPDATE: I think they have started randomly showing scenes from earlier episodes.

UPDATE: Jack can't touch them? WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

UPDATE: Blah blah blah. Blah.

UPDATE:Wouldn't it be cool if Jack and Karen said, "Hey, we're famished! Let's order Chinese!"

UPDATE: Wasn't Audrey, like, nearly dead just a short while ago?

UPDATE: Ooooh! Henderson's dissing Chloe's 'puter!

UPDATE: Next up for the First Lady: Heroin.

UPDATE: Whoa! Chloe-like behavior from the FL! Martha and Aaron, sitting in a tree!

UPDATE: Perimeter!

UPDATE: I have no idea who Henderson is going to see, or why. Does that make me a bad viewer?

UPDATE: Seriously, was this guy on before? Or is he new?

UPDATE: SCANNER REPORT: "No weapons, but his prostate is the size of a grapefruit."

UPDATE: Does anybody know what the hell is going on? Does it matter?

UPDATE: OK, if they didn't trust Henderson to go in there, why the hell did they send Henderson in there? So they could have somebody else shooting back at them?

UPDATE: Chloe is on it.

UPDATE: I still don't know what's going on, but I'm glad to see Chloe is decrypting the files.

UPDATE: Aaron is hatching a plot! Good old loyal, bleeding-profusely-from-the-mouth Aaron.

UPDATE: Chloe's got it! A RUSSIAN FRICKING SUBMARINE!

UPDATE: They need to use EZ-on, EZ-off handcuffs for Henderson, the way they keep changing their mind about him.

UPDATE: We need to keep track of the gratuitous Audrey scene quotient (GASQ).

UPDATE: OK, that is definitely the last Killer Kanister, right?

UPDATE: It's a good thing the terrorists, despite being foreign, speak English to each other, so we know they're getting the missiles ready.

UPDATE: OK, at least now we have missiles. That's a definite upgrade over Kanisters.

Comments

[daisymae]

I think Henderson's lying.

[Kathy P.]

oh, this is gonna work...

[Larry~Barry]

Sending her the pink slip virus...

[Reddish Jode]

Darn. That perimeter worked!

[Deskdiva]

Excellent point, Wes. Have you thought of going into security work?

[Betsy]

Another victim consigned to CTU medical. RIP.

[James T.]

Geeze, the files aren't that encrypted! They're just written in Russian.

[samthesham]

Henderson's lying

[slyeyes]

I must be suffering from the bends, I totally didn't understand what Henderson said about getting there too early while files were being encrypted.

Or something like that.

[Suzy Q]

*shots all around, of the liquor variety*

[Larry~Barry]

"Congratulations! You've opened the Pink Slip Virus. Good luck finding a job in another secret Federal agency..."

[Kathy P.]

Hey, Dave, Internet Exploer 7 thinks thisa phishing site - possibly cause I'm refreshing so often....

[mellio]

Oh, please, Jack didn't screw up anything. Henderson is scum...

[SlothB77]

wait, was this perimeter successful?

[Gretchen]

Shots - hallelujah! (Liquor, not lead.)

[Varjak]

Yeah, if you're going to PRETEND to double-cross Jack, shouldn't you warn him in adavance? Because, y'know, that would actually makes sense.

I think I just answered my own question. Never mind.

[samthesham]

good thought suzy - cheers

[Reddish Jode]

Geez, Do this terrorists have a new version of Windows? I can't get anything saved that fast.

[samthesham]

good thought suzy - cheers

[Deskdiva]

Thanks, SuzyQ! *downs in a gulp, comes up gasping for air, eyes burning*

*Rasps* Smooooth!

[Suzy Q]

Is ANY perimeter ever successful?

[Wes S.]

Deskdiva: No...but I AM thinking of applying for work as a scriptwriter for "24."

If hired, I promise: No more canisters, Awwwdrey will get whacked, and Kim will finally get the good spanking for acting like a bad little girl that we've all been waiting for.

[mama jodeo]

I think the writers should watch the Xmen promo. They knock down the Golden Gate bridge and kill a bunch of people, our writers could take a point or two from them.

[SlothB77]

henderson is right, though. unsecured files on a flash drive are the holy grail.

[Kathy P.]

Like the guy wouldn't have encrypted files on a flash drive - and have them compacted too?

[Deskdiva]

Thank you, Wes!!! There IS a God! (Oh, and take Steve with you...)

[Betsy]

So we have ten minutes to snarl this up so badly that it will take them two hours to resolve it next week...actually, they're doing pretty well

[tropichunt.com guy™]

*ducks Gretchen's wrath*

:)

When will CTU get serious and start prosecuting these people for all the illegal MP3s these guys have on their PCs..? I mean really? When will they start enforcing our laws...

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Hi DeskDiva-I always liked him.

[Deskdiva]

Me, too, Lisa. :)

[Betsy]

I predict a bloody kiss

[Deskdiva]

Oh, crap. Another bloody tender moment. Take a shot o' booze!

[slyeyes]

Varjak, exactly. Even Jethro Bodine knew that double naught spies need to warn each other about faking double crosses

[WoosterGirl]

Thanks Suzy!

*throws back drink*

*falls down*

[Gretchen]

Sorry, Tropichuntguy, but you started it.

And on top of that I have NO LOST all summer, too. I'm a little bitter.

[Suzy Q]

8 more minutes of this crap?

Oh, yes Crazy Lady , we KNOW you like Aaron.

But, will you shoot anyone else? That's what we're here for!

[Wes S.]

Steve! Of course! His recaps are funnier than the actual episodes...

[Larry~Barry]

Mikey! Hey Mikey!

Get Mikey.. he'll do it!

[ArcticAl]

Voice from the future - beware the russian sub with its missiles of death! And never exit a submarine hatch with your pistol in your pocket. It means you're going to get shot for sure. Didn't he watch Red Oktober?

[SlothB77]

first lady can claim it was just a hunting accident.

[WoosterGirl]

A Russian sub???

WTF????

[Deskdiva]

That room at CTU has got to be blindingly bright at 4:45a.m.

[Betsy]

So we share technology by inspecting each other's submarines????

[Larry~Barry]

and Sean Connery is the captain!

[slyeyes]

oook ArticAl --- you KNEW they were going to bring in a Russian Sub?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

A Russian sub, docked in a non-secure port...uh-huh, what is this, Miami?

[Suzy Q]

Now there's a SUBMARINE??!!!

Good lord. I am outta here! (not really, but still)

[Jeannie]

Is a Russian sub just a big Kanister???

[Deskdiva]

*snork* Sly!

[SlothB77]

is dubai running that port?

i had to say it!

[Larry~Barry]

and he's drinking Scotch...

[Gretchen]

OK - after last week, I was joking that the only thing we hadn't had was an underwater scene. Evidently the scriptwriters had me bugged.

Wes: when do you start work? I can't take much more of this.

[slyeyes]

Oh, that's right; you were watching from Oh! Canada.

[Wes S.]

NO, Awwwdrey, GET OFF THE LINE!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Everyone listens to Jack.

[WoosterGirl]

Oh God, and Audrey too.

Suzy, I need another drink. Do you? Here.

*Tosses Suzy a glass of wine*

[mama jodeo]

Does this mean Jack wants a tender moment with Audrey after the phone call, thats why she stays on.

[Suzy Q]

Does the sub have the Killer Kanister of KDoom?

[Betsy]

I'm gonna check right now to see if I notice any terrorists hangin' around the missiles

[SlothB77]

wait, didn't henderson just sell ctu out? why are they bringing him?

[Deskdiva]

*Snork @ Jeannie*

[bizrey]

Prepare to repel boarders!!

[Gretchen]

Betsy: I think it's an "I'll show you my submarine if you'll show me yours" kind of a thing. Ooooh - that's just disgusting.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Headshot! x2!

[Wes S.]

...And Russian naval officers just automatically take orders from American lieutenants?

...Oh well, Lieutenant Redshirt won't be giving anybody any more orders...

[Deskdiva]

oy.

[bizrey]

Do Russian subs really have fine wood-grained paneling?

[James T.]

NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I wont be able to watch any more. I'll just read about it later.

[Larry~Barry]

We all live in a Russian submarine, a Russian submarine, a Russian submarine...

Come on, sing it!!!

[Suzy Q]

More shots - all around! We NEED THEM! Yes, I am talking liquor because there is no real shooting to be had.

[Betsy]

..and rich Corinthian leather

[Deskdiva]

I believe it was in The Abyss when Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio remarks on a Russian sub with nuclear missiles, "Holy $#!+ It's World War III in a can." I think it applies.

[slyeyes]

Agent #1: What's the code we got from Melania? (does Donald know?)

Agent #2: (mumble mumble mumble echo mumble)

[Jeannie]

Is that a submarine in your pocket or are you...oh never mind.

[Patrick]

I wonder if these missles will be faster than the ones from last season.

[mellio]

Oh, RIGHT! All the nukes are one deck below topside.

Someone please shoot me in the thigh already...these last two hours better be GOOD.

And no, Dave, Chloe cannot possibly be in on it. I just bought her friggin' t-shirt...

[Gretchen]

As we sail beneath the seaaaeeeaaaa, everyone of us has all he neeeeeeeds! Sky of bluuuueeee and sea of greeeeeeeen in our Russian submariiiiiiine!!!

[Unrealious]

Code? I thought you brought the code!

[Larry~Barry]

Oh NO! They're going to nuke San Pedro!

Or San Diego?

Or the border-crossing at Tijuana?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Gretchen: Yeah...I agree, no Lost...*sigh*

No Survivor...no Amazing Race...no Jack Bauer Power Hour...no Lost...no Battlestar Galactica...*sigh*

[Deskdiva]

*Snork again @ Jeannie* You is fuuuuuuunnnnyyy!

[FleaBailey]

Oh, now this is just crap.

[Betsy]

Jack to writers: Right here, right now...you are gonna face JUSTICE!!!!

[homeybeef]

awwww Jack named his gun Justice

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Hey, what's taking Steve so long??! He normally has these things posted by 10:20-10:30, doens't he...?

DOESN'T HE?!?!??!

;)

[Suzy Q]

I have absolutely NO IDEA of what just happened on this show. And, the previews for the finale do not help. I give up.

[Deskdiva]

OK, Steve - ready when you are! I need a little lift after tonight's nearly-as-miserable-as-last-week's episode.

[Gretchen]

Tropichuntguy: I don't suppose the possibility of summer episodes of Queer Eye is gonna help you, huh?

No Lost!! So, how many blogs and podcasts do you follow?

[Wes S.]

ICBMs? No problem; Jack has the Magic Cellphone of Doom. If he can explode terrorists by remote control, nuclear-tipped missiles shouldn't be a problem.

If nothing else, Chloe and Jack can network with each other and reprogram them in flight, so they all explode over President Limpwrist's ranch, or Iran, or somewhere else we could stand to lose...

[Deskdiva - giving up right along with SuzyQ]

I'm with you, Sister SuzyQ!

[mellio]

Jack gets to shoot Handbag in the thigh! OK, that might make up for the rest of this season ;)

[KOW]

Okay, some of that preview doesn't look like it can happen in the next two hours (was that the sun I saw? And First Lady Crazy dressed up and presentable?) Dream sequence? As we have mentioned, it's the only "plot point" (I use that term quite loosely) that the random plot generator hasn't hit on yet.

[Betsy]

I guess I have to move back into my condo before next week, so I can watch the grand finale on cable. Without it, Fox TV is so freakin noir I can barely see it.

[Jeannie]

Suzy Q - you just need to drink more.

[Suzy Q]

Ok, girlies, gather 'round the bar. Drinks are on me, while we wait for Steve.

[bbescuela]

Maybe Steve got shot in the thigh.

[Deskdiva - drinking right along with SuzyQ]

I've got the first round. Straight tequila work for everyone?

[Betsy]

Naaah...a little thing like a thigh shot wouldn't stop Steve. He's kinda like Jack Bauer that way.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Gretchen, I follow the Lost Blog here, which is almost as fun to read as this one... :)

You can find it here:
http://www.filmfodder.com/tv/lost/

NOTE: Read the 'Key Points' recaps...they're the best. :)

[Betsy]

Tequila's good...I finished my Tecate, but I have some salt left.