24

We begin tonight's episode hoping desperately that a serious plot will emerge in time to be resolved next week, in the Big Two-Hour Season Finale.

What do I mean by "a serious plot?" I mean "a plot where at least one major U.S. metropolitan area is totally doomed." Think back to last year, when we had, as our arch-villain: Marwan. Now there was a villain. He shot down Air Force One, and then he almost caused nuclear reactors all over the United States to melt down, and all of that was just a diversion to draw attention away from his real evil plan, which was to launch a nuclear missile from Iowa (a known rogue terrorist state) at Los Angeles. Jack thwarted Marwan, of course, but not before Marwan thwarted Jack and the entire U.S. military about 17 times. He was a Thwarting Machine, that Marwan, and by God I miss him.

And what kind of plot do we have this year? For a while we had the Killer Kanisters, but they never seemed all that scary. Mostly they rode around Los Angeles getting Karsick. After the Kanisters got blown up, all we had left, plotwise, was: the Secret Recording. Ooooh! A recording! For weeks now, Jack has been chasing this recording around in a series of episodes in which the only truly memorable action sequence involved Chloe tasering a drunk named Ross in a hotel bar.

Anyway, last week, Jack finally obtained the recording that, if made public, would expose the president of the United States as a murdering scumbucket. But did Jack, having risked the lives of a planeload of innocent people to get hold of the recording, immediately make it public? Of course not! He rode back to CTU, handed the recording to Chloe, then wandered off to moon over Audrey.  Good going, Jack! Way to prioritize!

And as for Chloe -- a woman so technologically advanced that, simply by tapping on her keyboard, she can remotely defrost any given refrigerator on the planet -- did she immediately make the recording public? Of course not! She sat there, tapping cluelessly away, while Miles the Homeland Security Creepster, who might as well have the words "BAD GUY" tattooed on his forehead, wandered over and did something to the recording with a mysterious black plot device.

And so tonight we begin yet another episode with not much going on except for the president being puppeted via cell phone by the evil villain bald puppetmaster Graham, who has got to be the most boring evil puppetmaster since... well, since whoever was the evil puppetmaster before Graham.

The point is, something had better happen tonight, and it had better be something truly dastardly. It had better not be just the president ordering Jack arrested for the 283rd time this season alone. No,  dammit: We have sat through 21 hours of fake tension. The writers owe us something big.   

Speaking of something big: Edgar is still, as of this writing, dead. On the other hand, Secretary of Defense William Devane, despite having spent two episodes under water, is alive! Meanwhile the First Lady is still totally wasted resting.

Also be advised that a guy named "Bierko," who was the evil genius mastermind behind the Killer Kanisterzzzz plot, suddenly reappeared last week to be transported somewhere. He exchanged a Meaningful Look and a Nod with the van driver, so as to indicate to every member of the viewing public with an intelligencve level of rutabaga or higher that they are Up To Something.

That is where we stand as we begin tonight's episode. Time is running out. They need to turn this season around now, or else I swear I'm going to... OK, I'm going to tune in next week no matter what. But still.

UPDATE: Whoa. The president on Prison Break just died. But of course he was a different president.

UPDATE: So NOW Chloe figures it out.

UPDATE: They need to call Technical Support.

UPDATE: Man, Jack has gotten soft. He broke, like, zero of Miles' bones.

UPDATE: It's a TRICK, Jack.

UPDATE: Not the Kanisterzzzz!

UPDATE: Bierko just ripped his Band Aid right off. That is a manly terrorist.

UPDATE: The First Lady knows how to party.

UPDATE: Good old Aaron.

UPDATE: Aaron "Charles"ed him. Whoa.

UPDATE: OK, could this be moving any slower?

UPDATE: They're gonna take Jack out. Ooooh, we're scared.

UPDATE: So do we think Jack is going to end up saving President Manilow from Bierko? Wouldn't that be ironic?

UPDATE: If David Palmer were here, he would want Jack to buy some Allstate brand insurance, that's what.

UPDATE: I think they have started randomly showing scenes from earlier episodes.

UPDATE: Jack can't touch them? WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

UPDATE: Blah blah blah. Blah.

UPDATE:Wouldn't it be cool if Jack and Karen said, "Hey, we're famished! Let's order Chinese!"

UPDATE: Wasn't Audrey, like, nearly dead just a short while ago?

UPDATE: Ooooh! Henderson's dissing Chloe's 'puter!

UPDATE: Next up for the First Lady: Heroin.

UPDATE: Whoa! Chloe-like behavior from the FL! Martha and Aaron, sitting in a tree!

UPDATE: Perimeter!

UPDATE: I have no idea who Henderson is going to see, or why. Does that make me a bad viewer?

UPDATE: Seriously, was this guy on before? Or is he new?

UPDATE: SCANNER REPORT: "No weapons, but his prostate is the size of a grapefruit."

UPDATE: Does anybody know what the hell is going on? Does it matter?

UPDATE: OK, if they didn't trust Henderson to go in there, why the hell did they send Henderson in there? So they could have somebody else shooting back at them?

UPDATE: Chloe is on it.

UPDATE: I still don't know what's going on, but I'm glad to see Chloe is decrypting the files.

UPDATE: Aaron is hatching a plot! Good old loyal, bleeding-profusely-from-the-mouth Aaron.

UPDATE: Chloe's got it! A RUSSIAN FRICKING SUBMARINE!

UPDATE: They need to use EZ-on, EZ-off handcuffs for Henderson, the way they keep changing their mind about him.

UPDATE: We need to keep track of the gratuitous Audrey scene quotient (GASQ).

UPDATE: OK, that is definitely the last Killer Kanister, right?

UPDATE: It's a good thing the terrorists, despite being foreign, speak English to each other, so we know they're getting the missiles ready.

UPDATE: OK, at least now we have missiles. That's a definite upgrade over Kanisters.

Comments

[slyeyes]

Oh no she di'nt!!!!

[Kathy P.]

Is he really? Gonna shoot her? NO!!! She shot him!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Yeah! It wasn't a thigh-shot...but yeah!

[Wes S.]

For a drug addict... the First Lady's a pretty good shot...

[FleaBailey]

Yaaay!!!! Ramparts!!! Way to go!!!

[Deskdiva]

FINALLY some damn shootin'!! And not even in the thigh!!!!

[KDF]

Quick! More aspirin!

[bizrey]

Finally!! Someone gets shot!

And *snork* at Unrealious

[Johnny]

Not the Phoenix Phirewall!

How much do you think X-men paid for that not-so-subtle plug?

[Sam G.]

Oh, he'll be fine.

[crabby appleton]

GO CHARLENE!!

[Kathy P.]

Wow! And not just a thigh!!!!

[Larry~Barry]

Finally! Some one is shot! BUT: NO BANG!

[Suzy Q]

Deskdiva/Amy: Pick a persona and go with it. I drink too much on these nights to try to keep people straight, least of all me.

Damn! Ramparts has a gun! Aaron's not a cellphone anymore. There is crying!

[slyeyes]

*surfaces again to read Dave*

I hope I have time for a safety stop.

[Betsy]

Of course she was wearing gloves to smoke a cigarette in LA. Cuz at any moment you might have to shoot someone and leave no fingerprints. LA is like that.

[mama jodeo]

Can the first lady be any more useless???? Has she no sense of urgency??!!!!

[Dan]

Wow. First cleavage just tapped out cole.

Amazing.

[WoosterGirl]

At last!! A bullet!!!!

[Larry~Barry]

One bald guy down, several more to go!!!

[Larry~Barry]

One bald guy down, several more to go!!!

[Val]

Go Martha! Go Martha!

[Unrealious]

This has turned into a rather frustrating show.... with poor presidential lighting.

[Deskdiva]

*snork* Betsy

[Suzy Q]

BLOOD! At laaaaast! Go, First Ramparts!

[Larry~Barry]

now I'm repeating myself?

[Kathy P.]

Silencers, fool! They were gonna shoot Aaron!And maybe Mrs. Pres... Gotta have a silencer...

[Deskdiva]

Sorry, Suz - didn't mean to confuse the issue. Last week's was the fluke.

[KOW]

Man, these terrorists have so many contingency plans. Could you imagine if they were running FEMA? New Orleans would have been down and out for 10, 15 seconds, tops.

[bizrey]

Heh, John Hodegeman/PC for teh win! Although I'm getting an Intel Mac next upgrade...

[mellio]

WOW! Everybody run! First Lady Rampart's got a gun!

;)

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Important question: What show are y'all going to until 24 comes back?!

[Wes S.]

Does this mean, in addition to the nausea-inducing Jack/Awwwdrey snuggling, we'll also be treated to more cuddling between Aaron and First Lady Ramparts?

[judi]

what are martha and aaron DOING? where is steve when i need him....

[Betsy]

A perimeter!!!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

We have JACKSACK®! I repeat, we have JACKSACK®!

[daisymae]

I'll never look at black SUVs the same again.

Ooooo...a perimeter!

[slyeyes]

PERIMETER!!! First one tonight, right?

[WoosterGirl]

Setting up a perimeter!!!

*gulpgulpgulp*

[SlothB77]

Curtis is setting up a perimeter

[Suzy Q]

Ok, ddiva. We're cool.

Have another drink. And, protect your thighs. You never know WHAT these people might do!

[samthesham]

contingency plans - how a potty break

[thebruce]

woohoo another perimeter!!

[James T.]

They like scheduling things on the hour.

[FleaBailey]

When, oh when, are they going to realize that PERIMETERS NEVER WORK!!!!

[bizrey]

Shooting AND a perimeter?! It must be sweeps month!

[homeybeef]

anyone else think beirko is going to try to kill the president with the kanister?

[crabby appleton]

She busted a cap in his ass! Oooh, Jack is setting up a perimeter. I think they should check the meaning of that word because it seems to mean the same as sieve in spy language.

[Gretchen]

Tropichuntguy: YOU JUST SHUT UP!! We have two and a half hours to go. We can't think about the hiatus!!

[James T.]

He just can't take his eyes off Jack.

[KOW]

Oh, and first lady crazy rocks. I'm just saying.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Carlton the door man answers the buzzer.

[WoosterGirl]

SuzyQ, Gretchen, Val...

I sense bullets, lots of them...

[Suzy Q]

Perimeters? We don' need no stinkin' perimeters.

[Johnny]

Okay did Aaron get hit with the crowbar and then SecretServiceGuyGoneBad (SSGGB) get shot, or did he get shot before striking Aaron? Could somebody please help me out?

[James T.]

Okay, let's nobody waste nobody's time.

[Varjak]

He didn't get where he is by being careless, he's got the best security in the world, but he doesn't have a security camera in his own driveway?

[samthesham]

with all that survellance, why ask who's there

[Reddish Jode]

Curtis is setting up a perimeter!

In the history of CTU have they ever set up a perimeter that worked?

CTU really needs staff training in Quality Perimeter Management.

[slyeyes]

*snork*@Lisa

[James T.]

Jack's a ninja.

[Gretchen]

Woostergirl: We can only hope...

[daisymae]

Up the pole ye go, me hearty!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Jack's looking for the roof-top lounge.

[Deskdiva]

*blushes at showing her complete and total ignorance*

OK - I'm finally giving in and joining the 12-step program. "I'm Deskdiva and I don't know what a Jacksack(r) is." *Hangs head in abject shame.*

[James T.]

He has a machine that identifies buckles and zippers...How useful

[SlothB77]

I just saw garden state again. and yes, the first lady makes a cameo. with a knight instead of SS agent.

how does that security system not find jack b.

[Larry~Barry]

Nice digs. Who does your decorating?

[James T.]

He does _not_ like this.

[Kathy P.]

WTF? The thing analyzes his belt buckle? And Jack's sitting outside? Whew. He's selling him out.....

[Suzy Q]

Maintain your position my ass! DO something!

[Gretchen]

Is that Jose Zuniga?

[Deskdiva]

*snork* @ Lisa

Thought I was the only one who remembered him!

[crabby appleton]

Jack's sack looks more and more unwieldy as the day goes on. He'll be hanging to his knees soon. His .. bag .. that is.

[Deskdiva]

*snork* @ Lisa

Thought I was the only one who remembered him!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Was that Homer Simpson on his screen?

[slyeyes]

So, if I wanted to sneak in a weapon, I'd disguise it at a zipper and buckle, rightg?

[Larry~Barry]

HAL: What are you doing Dave?

[Varjak]

Boy, those CTU agents can move with a sense of urgency, can't they?

[James T.]

Does anyone remember earlier this day, where there was a scene in an airport? That was awesome.

[WoosterGirl]

Yes! Another bullet!

Although no one was hurt. Damn.

[SlothB77]

henderson no longer has immunity

[Reddish Jode]

Why does everyone else wear helmets and flack jackets and carry rifles while Curtis always runs in in a leather jacket carrying a pistol?

Is it because he's black?

[Sam G.]

Wow, that guy was enthusiastic.

[James T.]

Technically, it's a "gaggle" of federal agents.

[Kathy P.]

And the guy just neatly has a skylight and glass doors?

[daisymae]

Good thigh shot!

[Deskdiva]

HALLELUJAH!!!! Firepower on the loose!

[Wes S.]

...Locks, alarms, "Phoenix firewalls," body scanners....and the one thing the guy didn't put a good lock and alarm on was the freakin' skylight?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Thigh?! Arm?! Thigh?!?

[WoosterGirl]

Ha!!! YES!!!!!

[Reddish Jode]

Why does everyone else wear helmets and flack jackets and carry rifles while Curtis always runs in in a leather jacket carrying a pistol?

[OhioNora]

Extra super-duper security system and GLASS DOORS???

[Betsy]

The hip, not the thigh, huh?

[Gretchen]

No hitting Curtis! Booooo!!!!

[KDF]

I don't know, "PUT THE WEAPON ON THE COUNTER" sounds sort of wimpy, doesn't it?

[Suzy Q]

THIGH!
31 seconds? Not 29 or 32?

[Kathy P.]

Hip, not thigh....

[tropichunt.com guy™]

DING! DING! DING!

THIGH SHOT!

[James T.]

Jack?......Fail?....