24

We begin tonight's episode hoping desperately that a serious plot will emerge in time to be resolved next week, in the Big Two-Hour Season Finale.

What do I mean by "a serious plot?" I mean "a plot where at least one major U.S. metropolitan area is totally doomed." Think back to last year, when we had, as our arch-villain: Marwan. Now there was a villain. He shot down Air Force One, and then he almost caused nuclear reactors all over the United States to melt down, and all of that was just a diversion to draw attention away from his real evil plan, which was to launch a nuclear missile from Iowa (a known rogue terrorist state) at Los Angeles. Jack thwarted Marwan, of course, but not before Marwan thwarted Jack and the entire U.S. military about 17 times. He was a Thwarting Machine, that Marwan, and by God I miss him.

And what kind of plot do we have this year? For a while we had the Killer Kanisters, but they never seemed all that scary. Mostly they rode around Los Angeles getting Karsick. After the Kanisters got blown up, all we had left, plotwise, was: the Secret Recording. Ooooh! A recording! For weeks now, Jack has been chasing this recording around in a series of episodes in which the only truly memorable action sequence involved Chloe tasering a drunk named Ross in a hotel bar.

Anyway, last week, Jack finally obtained the recording that, if made public, would expose the president of the United States as a murdering scumbucket. But did Jack, having risked the lives of a planeload of innocent people to get hold of the recording, immediately make it public? Of course not! He rode back to CTU, handed the recording to Chloe, then wandered off to moon over Audrey.  Good going, Jack! Way to prioritize!

And as for Chloe -- a woman so technologically advanced that, simply by tapping on her keyboard, she can remotely defrost any given refrigerator on the planet -- did she immediately make the recording public? Of course not! She sat there, tapping cluelessly away, while Miles the Homeland Security Creepster, who might as well have the words "BAD GUY" tattooed on his forehead, wandered over and did something to the recording with a mysterious black plot device.

And so tonight we begin yet another episode with not much going on except for the president being puppeted via cell phone by the evil villain bald puppetmaster Graham, who has got to be the most boring evil puppetmaster since... well, since whoever was the evil puppetmaster before Graham.

The point is, something had better happen tonight, and it had better be something truly dastardly. It had better not be just the president ordering Jack arrested for the 283rd time this season alone. No,  dammit: We have sat through 21 hours of fake tension. The writers owe us something big.   

Speaking of something big: Edgar is still, as of this writing, dead. On the other hand, Secretary of Defense William Devane, despite having spent two episodes under water, is alive! Meanwhile the First Lady is still totally wasted resting.

Also be advised that a guy named "Bierko," who was the evil genius mastermind behind the Killer Kanisterzzzz plot, suddenly reappeared last week to be transported somewhere. He exchanged a Meaningful Look and a Nod with the van driver, so as to indicate to every member of the viewing public with an intelligencve level of rutabaga or higher that they are Up To Something.

That is where we stand as we begin tonight's episode. Time is running out. They need to turn this season around now, or else I swear I'm going to... OK, I'm going to tune in next week no matter what. But still.

UPDATE: Whoa. The president on Prison Break just died. But of course he was a different president.

UPDATE: So NOW Chloe figures it out.

UPDATE: They need to call Technical Support.

UPDATE: Man, Jack has gotten soft. He broke, like, zero of Miles' bones.

UPDATE: It's a TRICK, Jack.

UPDATE: Not the Kanisterzzzz!

UPDATE: Bierko just ripped his Band Aid right off. That is a manly terrorist.

UPDATE: The First Lady knows how to party.

UPDATE: Good old Aaron.

UPDATE: Aaron "Charles"ed him. Whoa.

UPDATE: OK, could this be moving any slower?

UPDATE: They're gonna take Jack out. Ooooh, we're scared.

UPDATE: So do we think Jack is going to end up saving President Manilow from Bierko? Wouldn't that be ironic?

UPDATE: If David Palmer were here, he would want Jack to buy some Allstate brand insurance, that's what.

UPDATE: I think they have started randomly showing scenes from earlier episodes.

UPDATE: Jack can't touch them? WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

UPDATE: Blah blah blah. Blah.

UPDATE:Wouldn't it be cool if Jack and Karen said, "Hey, we're famished! Let's order Chinese!"

UPDATE: Wasn't Audrey, like, nearly dead just a short while ago?

UPDATE: Ooooh! Henderson's dissing Chloe's 'puter!

UPDATE: Next up for the First Lady: Heroin.

UPDATE: Whoa! Chloe-like behavior from the FL! Martha and Aaron, sitting in a tree!

UPDATE: Perimeter!

UPDATE: I have no idea who Henderson is going to see, or why. Does that make me a bad viewer?

UPDATE: Seriously, was this guy on before? Or is he new?

UPDATE: SCANNER REPORT: "No weapons, but his prostate is the size of a grapefruit."

UPDATE: Does anybody know what the hell is going on? Does it matter?

UPDATE: OK, if they didn't trust Henderson to go in there, why the hell did they send Henderson in there? So they could have somebody else shooting back at them?

UPDATE: Chloe is on it.

UPDATE: I still don't know what's going on, but I'm glad to see Chloe is decrypting the files.

UPDATE: Aaron is hatching a plot! Good old loyal, bleeding-profusely-from-the-mouth Aaron.

UPDATE: Chloe's got it! A RUSSIAN FRICKING SUBMARINE!

UPDATE: They need to use EZ-on, EZ-off handcuffs for Henderson, the way they keep changing their mind about him.

UPDATE: We need to keep track of the gratuitous Audrey scene quotient (GASQ).

UPDATE: OK, that is definitely the last Killer Kanister, right?

UPDATE: It's a good thing the terrorists, despite being foreign, speak English to each other, so we know they're getting the missiles ready.

UPDATE: OK, at least now we have missiles. That's a definite upgrade over Kanisters.

Comments

[Gretchen]

What's with white guys? How do they talk without moving their top lip? It freaks me out.

[Deskdiva with wine and cheese]

..Except they copied last night's West Wing - it was "What Would Leo Do?"

[Betsy]

In case you were wondering about Henderson's politics....

[slyeyes]

Immunity? What happened to good old fashioned torture?

[FleaBailey]

...yaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwnnnnnn.

[James T.]

You can't just be given immunity! You have to win it through a physical challenge.

[Suzy Q]

deskdiva: I am stupid. I do not remember. Help me out here. Really. Did you use another name?

[rob]

Deal or no deal? Oh thats another show

[slyeyes]

I KNEW WALT DIDN'T KILL HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[James T.]

You can't touch them. Da-na-na-na, na-na. Na na.

[Larry~Barry]

deal? OK, but I'm shooting you in the thigh...

[Unrealious]

Here is where we hear that it is all aliens from space.

[James T.]

$8

[KDF]

Hi Lisa! On the rocks, please. :)

[Kathy P.]

ooooh, his word!!!

[Betsy]

Oh my god!!! He's playing the integrity card!!

[Wes S.]

Henderson's going to take his wife with him when he goes on the lam? Won't her leg wound slow them down?

[Varjak]

Threatening to double-cross and kill the person you're bargaining with is always a solid negotiating choice.

[Larry~Barry]

And so I ask you, Deal or No Deal???

[Dingalls]

Did anyone else start singing "what would Brian Boitano do?" from South Park? Just change the lyrics to David Palmer...

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Jack's word vs. Presidential Immunity from Prosecution...

Yeah, Robocop is right...Jack's word is worth more than anything else in the world...

[Crabby Appleton]

I don't think I noticed how bald Robocop has become. That titanium plate in his head from that movie must have taken a toll!

[Kathy P.]

Commercial for AOL - high speed?

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Jack says, "Take my invisibility hoodie. They'll never see you."

[Stormy Dragon]

>Why don't they ever just lie about immunity?

Because once you get a reputation for lying about immunity, it ceases to be a useful bargaining chip.

[bizrey]

"He's gonna hit hard so you better think fast". THAT"S his brilliant analysis?!? Yeah, that was totally worth it.:P

[Sam G.]

Tonight's special is Bierko head. Garnished in parsley and smothered in a garlic butter sauce.

[Suzy Q]

*yawwwwnnnnnn*

[WoosterGirl]

KDF, there is a large New England contingency here. Lots and lots of Bostonites with a common consensus: Yankees suck.

[Valerie]

The creepy puppet master reminds me of a bill collector.

[FleaBailey]

Good grief. This is boring as h-e-double-hockeysticks. Peter Weller has about as much charisma as a slug. This year, instead of Marwan, we have Jack Webb. I need a drink.

[judi]

one thing the writers should do: time the damn commercials so that they are NOT at the same time as the grey's-anatomy-season-finale commercials.

[Larry~Barry]

Doesn't Henderson know we have an emmigration problem?

[Kathy P.]

Hey, Lisa, that's what I thought, but this guy - the hoodie probably wouldn't work for him.

[WoosterGirl]

Suzy, you are too funny. *snork*

Where are the @!#$$$ bullets??????

[CJrun]

Southern Rebels feel the same way.

[Gretchen]

There hasn't been any shooting in QUITE SOME TIME. What is this, a thigh-free zone?

[ArcticAl]

Another update from the future. Jack shoots another new bad guy in the thigh when Robocop double crosses Jack. Curtis is hit in the gun fight and gets a scratch on his arm. They're taking him to the CTU medical sction - he's doomed!!!

[Wes S.]

>Why don't they ever just lie about immunity?

Because once you get a reputation for lying about immunity, it ceases to be a useful bargaining chip.

Posted by: Stormy Dragon | 09:44 PM on May 15, 2006

...Only if the double-crossed interrogation subject lives to talk about it. This IS Jack we're talking about, after all...

[Suzy Q]

judi's still here! ;)

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

*passes margarita on the rocks to KDF*

[mellio]

Aw come on, it was cheesy dialog, but the acting was good....

[Valerie]

So, we go all season with Jack and Chloe and CTU being able to do anything - and all of a sudden they have no satellites, no back-up recordings, no nothing.

[samthesham]

Love the goosebumps

[Suzy Q]

Yeah, what gretchen said. I want blood!!!

[KDF]

Except back when I was a student at Woo, I came from Michigan. Boston happened later. Weird coinkidink!

[Kathy P.]

Hey, there's commercials on at Grey's Anatomy, too... She's gotta go back and forth.

[James T.]

He's gonna contact them all at once using conference call

[burke's garden]

nobody reconginized Henderson's wife? THIGH SHOT
JoBeth Williams (Carol Ann"s mom from POLTERGEIST)

[PoorMartha]

Ugh. Audrey.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

A "situation" room? I need one of those.

[WoosterGirl]

Audrey's back!!! Auuuuuugggghhhh!!!!!

[queensruby]

Gazing and touching - oooohh

[Betsy]

Valerie...this plot doesn't just have holes -- it has Black Holes, that suck even previously rational plot devices into it retrospectively.

[Wes S.]

Well, looks like the President's corrupt men are as stupid with Aaron as Jack and Chloe were with the recording...Aaron is still alive.

Despite acting out "the last great defiance."

[ChloeMyHero]

Good to know ahead of time (I'm outside the perimeter in HI) that this hour is sooooo boring.... Think I'll join judi and watch Grey's Anatomy... (maybe I'll tune in for the B*tch slapping tho!)

[Sam G.]

Uh oh, Audrey's not going to be happy about this.

[Suzy Q]

Uuuuuhhhhhggggh! Awwwwwreey's back.

[Reddish Jode]

Wouldn't it be funny if 24 took place on April 1--Then the day would only last 23 hours and CPU will run out of time and LA, Chicago, New York or Atlanta would get destroyed?

[Deskdiva]

SuzyQ - Seriously I don't think so. Let me check last week's blog.

Oops! Sorry - I used my real name last week - Amy. Oy, I'm dense!!

[slyeyes]

#$&*#&$gfr@@!!

The pres' speech goofed with the recording times on my DVR.

Somebody's gonna pay.

[KDF]

Thanks, Lisa!

*licks salt, takes a sip, continues trying to find a plot*

[James T.]

An active cellphone?! That's a sure sign of terrorism.

[WoosterGirl]

A GSM Sat phone. Yeah.

[crabby appleton]

She managed not to weep upon hearing this news.

[Larry~Barry]

They "cleaned" up the erased disk and found: ...

... an old recording by Milly Vanilly...

[James T.]

Curtis is always mobilizing his team.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

That's it. Rollover on Bierko! That'll get him.

[Gretchen]

KDF: Where are you from in MI?

[slyeyes]

even better than Chloes??

[Suzy Q]

OMG!!! Chloe's back in the bad sweater! She had changed last week
into something...black and almost attractive. Call wolfie! STAT!

[PoorMartha]

Oh no he DIN'T dis Chloe's computers!

[Sam G.]

Not the phoenix!

[homeybeef]

the acting in this episode is worse than normal

[James T.]

NO! The enemy has a firewall! Those villians, always thinking ahead.

[Stormy Dragon]

A Phoenix Shield? Damn, Bierko has Harry Potter on his side.

[KDF]

Gretchen - Ann Arbor.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Y'know...it must be really cold in CTU...Jack's jacket has been zippered up all episode...

[Larry~Barry]

or shoot him in the thigh...

[James T.]

But...Jack wants to kill him...

[samthesham]

a phoenix what??

[bizrey]

Chloe! I am so disappointed in you :( Just unplug the freakin' "Phoenix" hard drive. Meh.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

First Cleavage started smoking again.

[Gretchen]

Heh! Jack and Henderson appear to be having a receding hairline race.

[Mark W]

There's a shark in the water, Jack is on skis and Joel Surnow is driving the boat, the ramp is dead ahead.

[Jeannie]

Wooster Girl: I'm from Braintree, relo'd to South Florida a few years ago. Red Sox lead Baltimore 11-1. I agree, Yankees Suck.

[James T.]

The first lady looks more and more like a corpse every episode.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Oooh! First Cleavage is going to see Aaron gettin' the treatment!

[slyeyes]

First Cleavage is smoking a cigarette all by herself at night in LA....wearing gloves.

[Betsy]

I figured it out the other day: Chloe threw on a lightweight jacket thingie to go to the bar to taser Ross.

[Unrealious]

I Rolled over on Bierko once, but the guy steals all the covers, so...

[bizrey]

Man that SS agent must have been standing behind the door when they were handing out necks.

[James T.]

At least let him sit in the back of the car and listen to the radio.

[Sam G.]

Aaron! Go Aaron!
This won't end up well...

[James T.]

Do it! DO IT!

[Larry~Barry]

OH MY GOD! First Clevage is smoking!!! What happened to "Just say NO to drugs"?

[Gretchen]

KDF: Cool! I went to UofM. LOVE Ann Arbor!

Can the First Lady save Aaron?

[WoosterGirl]

I am the First Lady. I am Invincible.

[PoorMartha]

Martha <3 Aaron 4eva

[James T.]

Darn.