24

We begin tonight's episode hoping desperately that a serious plot will emerge in time to be resolved next week, in the Big Two-Hour Season Finale.

What do I mean by "a serious plot?" I mean "a plot where at least one major U.S. metropolitan area is totally doomed." Think back to last year, when we had, as our arch-villain: Marwan. Now there was a villain. He shot down Air Force One, and then he almost caused nuclear reactors all over the United States to melt down, and all of that was just a diversion to draw attention away from his real evil plan, which was to launch a nuclear missile from Iowa (a known rogue terrorist state) at Los Angeles. Jack thwarted Marwan, of course, but not before Marwan thwarted Jack and the entire U.S. military about 17 times. He was a Thwarting Machine, that Marwan, and by God I miss him.

And what kind of plot do we have this year? For a while we had the Killer Kanisters, but they never seemed all that scary. Mostly they rode around Los Angeles getting Karsick. After the Kanisters got blown up, all we had left, plotwise, was: the Secret Recording. Ooooh! A recording! For weeks now, Jack has been chasing this recording around in a series of episodes in which the only truly memorable action sequence involved Chloe tasering a drunk named Ross in a hotel bar.

Anyway, last week, Jack finally obtained the recording that, if made public, would expose the president of the United States as a murdering scumbucket. But did Jack, having risked the lives of a planeload of innocent people to get hold of the recording, immediately make it public? Of course not! He rode back to CTU, handed the recording to Chloe, then wandered off to moon over Audrey.  Good going, Jack! Way to prioritize!

And as for Chloe -- a woman so technologically advanced that, simply by tapping on her keyboard, she can remotely defrost any given refrigerator on the planet -- did she immediately make the recording public? Of course not! She sat there, tapping cluelessly away, while Miles the Homeland Security Creepster, who might as well have the words "BAD GUY" tattooed on his forehead, wandered over and did something to the recording with a mysterious black plot device.

And so tonight we begin yet another episode with not much going on except for the president being puppeted via cell phone by the evil villain bald puppetmaster Graham, who has got to be the most boring evil puppetmaster since... well, since whoever was the evil puppetmaster before Graham.

The point is, something had better happen tonight, and it had better be something truly dastardly. It had better not be just the president ordering Jack arrested for the 283rd time this season alone. No,  dammit: We have sat through 21 hours of fake tension. The writers owe us something big.   

Speaking of something big: Edgar is still, as of this writing, dead. On the other hand, Secretary of Defense William Devane, despite having spent two episodes under water, is alive! Meanwhile the First Lady is still totally wasted resting.

Also be advised that a guy named "Bierko," who was the evil genius mastermind behind the Killer Kanisterzzzz plot, suddenly reappeared last week to be transported somewhere. He exchanged a Meaningful Look and a Nod with the van driver, so as to indicate to every member of the viewing public with an intelligencve level of rutabaga or higher that they are Up To Something.

That is where we stand as we begin tonight's episode. Time is running out. They need to turn this season around now, or else I swear I'm going to... OK, I'm going to tune in next week no matter what. But still.

UPDATE: Whoa. The president on Prison Break just died. But of course he was a different president.

UPDATE: So NOW Chloe figures it out.

UPDATE: They need to call Technical Support.

UPDATE: Man, Jack has gotten soft. He broke, like, zero of Miles' bones.

UPDATE: It's a TRICK, Jack.

UPDATE: Not the Kanisterzzzz!

UPDATE: Bierko just ripped his Band Aid right off. That is a manly terrorist.

UPDATE: The First Lady knows how to party.

UPDATE: Good old Aaron.

UPDATE: Aaron "Charles"ed him. Whoa.

UPDATE: OK, could this be moving any slower?

UPDATE: They're gonna take Jack out. Ooooh, we're scared.

UPDATE: So do we think Jack is going to end up saving President Manilow from Bierko? Wouldn't that be ironic?

UPDATE: If David Palmer were here, he would want Jack to buy some Allstate brand insurance, that's what.

UPDATE: I think they have started randomly showing scenes from earlier episodes.

UPDATE: Jack can't touch them? WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

UPDATE: Blah blah blah. Blah.

UPDATE:Wouldn't it be cool if Jack and Karen said, "Hey, we're famished! Let's order Chinese!"

UPDATE: Wasn't Audrey, like, nearly dead just a short while ago?

UPDATE: Ooooh! Henderson's dissing Chloe's 'puter!

UPDATE: Next up for the First Lady: Heroin.

UPDATE: Whoa! Chloe-like behavior from the FL! Martha and Aaron, sitting in a tree!

UPDATE: Perimeter!

UPDATE: I have no idea who Henderson is going to see, or why. Does that make me a bad viewer?

UPDATE: Seriously, was this guy on before? Or is he new?

UPDATE: SCANNER REPORT: "No weapons, but his prostate is the size of a grapefruit."

UPDATE: Does anybody know what the hell is going on? Does it matter?

UPDATE: OK, if they didn't trust Henderson to go in there, why the hell did they send Henderson in there? So they could have somebody else shooting back at them?

UPDATE: Chloe is on it.

UPDATE: I still don't know what's going on, but I'm glad to see Chloe is decrypting the files.

UPDATE: Aaron is hatching a plot! Good old loyal, bleeding-profusely-from-the-mouth Aaron.

UPDATE: Chloe's got it! A RUSSIAN FRICKING SUBMARINE!

UPDATE: They need to use EZ-on, EZ-off handcuffs for Henderson, the way they keep changing their mind about him.

UPDATE: We need to keep track of the gratuitous Audrey scene quotient (GASQ).

UPDATE: OK, that is definitely the last Killer Kanister, right?

UPDATE: It's a good thing the terrorists, despite being foreign, speak English to each other, so we know they're getting the missiles ready.

UPDATE: OK, at least now we have missiles. That's a definite upgrade over Kanisters.

Comments

[Wes S.]

Ohnoes! Not another Killer Kanister of Doomski!

[slyeyes]

Hey, SuzyQ and all.

[Gretchen]

It's OK, Karen. We ALL thought we were done with the lame-o cannister plot.

Random plot re-generator, anyone?

[judi]

wait wait, who was that?!~

[James T.]

NOO! They still have one canister!

[Suzy Q]

Aaaaaand.....commercial.

[Kathy P.]

Damn, Win TV doesn't wanna give me a clear picture -thank God this group is clear on what's going on!

[bizrey]

Gasp! Dramatic bandage removal!!

[BostonPaul]

Excellant scar!

[FleaBailey]

Oh. Boy. A Kanister. I'm scared. No, really.

[Momanon]

Beware the Killer Kanister with Duct Tape!

[slyeyes]

Oooooo, he ripped off his bandages. He's soooo macho.

What was THAT all about?!?

[WoosterGirl]

Oooh, a Kanister. Dave is going to be SO pissed.

[Betsy]

thank God for the commercial! It gave me a chance to activate a Kanister of TeKate!

[slyeyes]

*prepares to surface to read DAve's updates*

[Suzy Q]

judi, you're not supposed to be here. Isn't there something MORE important to you this night?

[Val]

Woohoo!!! Karen slapped the little wimpy punk jerk!! You goin' DOWN, mister!!

[KDF]

WoosterGirl - Do you live in Wooster? Or you went to the College of Wooster?

[homeybeef]

let Jack go....the president has made a big tiny mistake

[mellio]

If I were Karen, I woulda shot that smarmy Creep in the thigh.

AND, ok, if I can guess, before the previews, that there was a 'leftover canister', then the Random Plot Generator needs a shot o' something....

[Stormy Dragon]

Anyone think Jack would rock even more if he had ominous gotic choir music like the kid in The Omen?

[slyeyes]

You poke it you own it man law????????

Seriously?

[Suzy Q]

*waves to Betsy*

Oops! Back on!

[James T.]

Still taking Aspirin.

[Betsy]

Maybe she's wooing somebody, and everyone calls her the Woo-ster?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Poor Burt Reynolds..."you poke it you own it..."

*sigh*

[WoosterGirl]

KDF,live outside Wooster. Grew up outside Boston. CT, to be exact.

[bizrey]

Hey, people are getting shot all over the place on Grey's Anatomy. Get with it 24!

[Gretchen]

I didn't know you could drool pills.

[Larry~Barry]

I have a canister in the bread basket in the kitchen...

[tropichunt.com guy™]

First Cleavage is abusing her drugs again! She can't handle them!

[Suzy Q]

Ramparts is downing those meds!!

[KOW]

***WARNING***
You will have your first Audrey sighting about 25 minutes into the episode. Brace yourself (with liquor). You have been warned.

[James T.]

He was reluctant to take her phone.

[KDF]

Whoa.

WoosterGirl - I went to Wooster. And live outside Boston!

[Betsy]

What is her problem/plan/plot/psychosis???

[Wes S.]

Oh. So THAT's what happened to Aaron.

[Gretchen]

This is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE!!!

[Suzy Q]

Aaron's bleeding! Manilow is sorry (but we all know THAT).

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Ooooohhh...you hurt Aaron...prepare to die...

[Larry~Barry]

I know that FOX is beating the sh-- out of NBC... BUT, this show next season: 12!

[Reddish Jode]

Can I shoot my kid in the thigh? he won't shut u about 666-The Omen and let me watch this stupid show.

[James T.]

(President enters room with bloody tied up man)
Oh, sorry Bob! We forgot you were there. Wont happen again man.

[Betsy]

No, Aaron, NObody knows what's going on. Least of all the writers.

[O. the U(manity)]

I musta missed somethin' ... thguy has Chloe in the sack? WHOOOOOEEEEEE!

This show is heatin' UP!

[ArcticAl]

First Ramparts saves Aaron!!!! And another red shirt secret service guy bites it. Well really he had a red tie...

[slyeyes]

Pres. Weenie forgot he needs to dangle a pocketwatch in front of Aaron when he says "the recording doesn't exist"

[Suzy Q]

All must be shot in the thigh should they try to disrupt 24. Have at it.

[Wes S.]

***WARNING*** You will have your first Audrey sighting about 25 minutes into the episode. Brace yourself (with liquor). You have been warned.

Posted by: KOW | 09:33 PM on May 15, 2006

As long as it's the last time we lay eyes on Awwwdrey, I can deal with it...

[Betsy]

GOOOOOOO, Aaron!!!

[James T.]

I DO NOT APPROVE!

[Reddish Jode]

Aaron is a virtuous man. The President will kill him.

[Gretchen]

Go nuts, Reddish Jode. If you can't be traced, we won't tell.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Yes! Good going, Aaron!

[Deskdiva with milk and cake]

Aaron is STILL the man!!!! Go, Aaron!

Hey, SuzyQ

[bizrey]

Yeah! Go Aaron!! Ha Ha, see ya "Charles"!

[slyeyes]

While I applaud Aaron's speech; he needs to work on his timing.

[Larry~Barry]

Aaron of The Secret (Police) Service!!!

[Betsy]

Unfortunately, I believe he probably will (sigh)

[daisymae]

Go First Ramparts! Save Aaron from your weasly husband.

[samthesham]

bloody hell

[James T.]

The president can say more with one look than most people can with 5 looks.

[Larry~Barry]

Timing? His ears were ringing...

[homeybeef]

HE'S GONNA MAKE SURE AARON STAYS A CELL PHONE FOREVER!!!

[daisymae]

That's how you order a guys death without saying a word.

[Reddish Jode]

He's GOING to be a problem? No Sheet, Sherlock!

[Suzy Q]

Hey, deskdiva! Do I know you, perhaps by another name?

[Kathy P.]

I bet the recording is on Pierce's phone....

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Hi KDF!! Frozen or on the rocks??

(Sorry for the late greeting, had to take an important phone call.)

[daisymae]

A look is worth a thousand words.

[James T.]

He refers to his wife as "the rest of my house"

[Deskdiva graduating to wine and cheese]

"Cooperating fully"? Is that what we call catatonia these days?

[slyeyes]

You'd think the President would have one of the cool gadgets like the Blue Ear thingie.

AND WHY DOES THAT GUY GET AWAY WITH BEING SO SMARMY?!?!?!

[James T.]

Yo! Mike!

[Suzy Q]

Dr. Romano is being very eviiiil.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

What the hell is on Bald Guy's screen? A line graph...almost like a stock price...except maybe it's tracking how crappy the President is...

[Suzy Q]

Bierko escaped? I didin't even know he had been apprehended! Help!

[James T.]

No, I think Bierko escaped so he can go back to Russia or wherever and join a rythmic gymnastics team.

[Larry~Barry]

He's planning a methane gas attack on the western white house...

[SlothB77]

audrey is starting to work for me. i am turning a 180 on her. she needs to add about 10-15 pounds, then it works. even with the whining

[slyeyes]

backstreaming? That was my stroke on the swim team.

[James T.]

Then we have nothing.
(Everyone gives him dirty looks)
What? We don't!

[thebruce]

why has no one questioned why the president is alone now in a garage basement, let alone with no guards or security?

[Gretchen]

Gotta say... don't care for Karen's earrings.

[Deskdiva graduating to wine and cheese]

Suzy - from last week. We were "downloading schematics." (Well, that sounds obscene.)

[James T.]

Jack doesn't hold grudges. He kills people.

[Wes S.]

What, now they're going to give Traitor Robocop full immunity too? Whatever happened to arresting, kneecapping and/or killing the terrorists?

[Betsy]

WWDPD?

[slyeyes]

WWDPD?

What would David Palmer Do?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Yeah, Jack, WWJ..er...WWDPD?

[Reddish Jode]

Why don't they ever just lie about immunity?

Is there something in the Constitution that says "Thou shall not lie about immunity?"

[James T.]

Jack: Ohhh! Can't we just lay some flowers on his grave or something!

[Stormy Dragon]

What Would Former President Insurance Jesus Do?

[Deskdiva with wine and cheese]

Oooh. New bracelet! WWDPD!

[slyeyes]

*snork*

[Suzy Q]

Wow. I just did a sorta slip-n-slidey thing in my kitchen while getting more wine. Weird. I blame Marwan.

[REZOLA]

WWDPD - WHAT WOULD DAVID PALMER DO?

[Reddish Jode]

They're only willing to give Henderson immunity because he killed a BLACK President!

Call Jesse and Al!

[James T.]

But, I didn't start the fire! It was always burning! Since the world's been turning!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

THIGH, JACK, THIGH!!!!

GET ROBOCOP'S THIGH!