24

Here is the situation on the ground and in the air as of 2100 hours Eastern Perimeter Time:

Chloe is in a hotel bar with a laptop and a taser and a drunk named Ross, whom Chloe keeps tasering. This has been, hands down, the coolest action sequence of the season so far. We hope Chloe stays in the bar and continues tasering Ross and anybody else stupid enough to try to mess with her. We hope that by the end of this season, there is a large pile of tasered drunks surrounding Chloe, who is still pounding away on her laptop and uploading schematics, manifests, recipes, etc. to Jack's PDA.

Meanwhile, Jack is on a diplomatic flight with the Secret Tape Recording That Will Bring Down The President (STRTWBDTP), which Jack obtained via the clever tactic of repeatedly threatening to kill everybody on the plane. If only Jack can make the STRTWBDTP public, the president will be doomed, and the Evil Plot (whaever the hell it is) will be foiled!

(Many of you have asked why -- since Jack is in constant contact with Chloe, and he is an extremely high-tech individual, and he has a PDA that can do pretty much anything, including remotely detonate terrorists -- Jack doesn't simply transmit the STRTWBDTP to Chloe, so she can broadcast it. There is a simple, logical explanation for why Jack has not done this, which is: Shut up.)
   
So as we tune in tonight, Jack's plane is trying to land, but President Manilow, acting on orders from the Evil Bald Guy Puppetmaster of the Week, is about to order the Air Force to shoot the plane down, which means in a few minutes Jack could be DEAD. Also a race of giant Swedish-speaking oysters from Jupiter could land their spaceship in Milwaukee and dance the macarena.

In other plot developments:

The First Lady of the United States is stoned out of her gourd has taken some medication and retired to her room.

Edgar has embarked on a new career as an underwear model.

No -- Sorry! --  Edgar is still dead.

Audrey -- we are trying not to get too excited about this -- was missing altogether from last week's episode. Maybe the writers forgot about Audrey! We can dream, can't we? Meanwhile, we still are not totally 100 percent certain about the fate of Secretary of Defense William Devane, who drove into a lake two weeks ago, but may have figured out some way to survive.

So that's the situation, with four hours to go: Chloe in a bar; Jack on a plane; no coherent plot anywhere in sight. Just the way we like it.

UPDATE: We just realized that during tonight's episode we will also be monitoring the NBA playoff game between the Miami Heat and the New Jersey Sewer Discharges. So we will be busybusybusy. But that is why this blog makes the large dollars.

UPDATE: The Discharges have evidently bribed the officials.

UPDATE: At the end of one quarter, the score is: Miami 21

UPDATE: Ooooh! Jack broke his nose! Poor baby!

UPDATE: NOT AUDREY! DAMMIT!

UPDATE: Secretary of Defense Devane has survived two episodes underwater!

UPDATE: They are going to arrest Jack for the 362nd time.

UPDATE: "I know Jack."

UPDATE: Jack Bauer? ERRATIC??? WHO THE HELL ARE THEY CALLING ERRATIC????????

UPDATE: Point Magoo? Did Bill just say something about "Point Magoo?"

UPDATE: No biggie. I often land on the freeway.

UPDATE: Wait! When did Chloe leave the bar? WHERE'S ROSS?

UPDATE: "Everything's going to be fine," says Jack. Usually this means... DEATH.

UPDATE: Chloe is working on it.

UPDATE: He's not gonna make it!

UPDATE: Why do they need oxygen masks? They're almost on the freaking ground.

UPDATE: I believe this violates many California traffic laws.

UPDATE: I miss Ross.

UPDATE: "Thank you for flying the diplomatic flight. We hope you'll think of us again next time you need to nearly die eight different ways."

UPDATE: Two batallions of Marines against Jack? Those poor Marines.

UPDATE: Perimeter! Seriously, has one single perimeter EVER worked on this show?

UPDATE: Curtis! Making them stand down!

UPDATE: Uh-oh. Karen's gonna spill the beans to the creepster.

UPDATE: Wait... Isn't Bierko from the old Killer Kanister plot? Why's HE back?

UPDATE: Miami 54

UPDATE: They really need to do something about the lighting in the presidential retreat.

UPDATE: JUST PLAY THE FRICKING RECORDING, JACK.

UPDATE: Oh not Audrey again pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez

UPDATE: It's over! Sure.

UPDATE: Suicide time?

UPDATE: Speaking of suicide: Miami STILL 54

UPDATE: Not now. The First Lady has a headache.

UPDATE: Look, just kill yourself, OK?

UPDATE: Lotta moping around in this episode.

UPDATE: Don't drink and shoot! Ask the vice president about that!

UPDATE: The creepster! That slimeball!

UPDATE: Taser him, Chloe!

UPDATE: Plotwise, this was a snorefest. Too much brooding, too much Audrey, not enough Chloe, zero shooting.

UPDATE: Next week Jack goes after the Evil Puppetmasters. Call me naive, but I believe that eventually a plot WILL evolve.

UPDATE: Miami 64.

UPDATE: Seriously, did anyone else hear Bill say "Point Magoo?"

Comments

[OhioNora]

Uh-Oh. Gonna get mushy now.

Somebody shoot me...

[Schooooler]

so who's playing the piano?

[Suzy Q]

Stop it, Jack! Arrrrggghhh! Do NOT kiss her! I am WARNING YOU!

[Johnny]

Jack, you idiot, why are you leaving the tape unguarded??!! Why don't you at least play it once for Karen, Curtis, and some others and let them hear it before it inevitably gets stolen by Robocop behind your back???

[Amy]

SuzyQ - I'm thinking you better set up a perimeter first. I'll download the schematics to your pda.

[daisymae]

Jack...it ain't over til it's over...don't be premature...it ain't good luck to celebrate before the fat lady sings.

[Marie in Kourou]

*just read Wolfie's "off" comment in an entirely different way* Scary stuff.

So where is Jack right now, anyway?

[Fred]

Close your eyes and DIE, DIE, DIE!

[Varjak]

Has Jack played the recording even once since he got it from the co-pilot? We could be witnessing the set-up to a big rip-off of Escape From New York here.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Jack kissed her! KISS OF DEATH! SHE'S GOING DOWN, I PROMISE YOU!

YAY! AUDREY WILL BE GONE NOW!!!

[Layzeeboy]

I bet Jack taped the Redskins game over the recording

[Kathy P.]

It ain't over till it's over....

[ldouthit]

getting out the GUN

[bizrey]

Ahhhhh!!!! Miles is gonna kill Chloe and steal the tape -- wait, what am I saying? I mean he's going to try.

[philintexas]

ok...NOW I need the barf bag

[slyeyes]

I'm gonna sit with you for a minute.

57...58...59....60.

Time's up. Back to work.

[Glow]

ARgghHHh! Violence, violence!!!! He kissed her thigh!

[ldouthit]

getting out the GUN

[Wes S.]

"Not tonight, Jack...I have a headache. And a severed artery..."

"Awww, Audreeeey..."

[Gretchen]

President Manilow in the acquarium kills himself. Yaaaayyy!!

[LucyVanPelt]

Is the President under water with David Blane?

That is some bad lighting!

[Gail]

Here it comes...he's gonna kill himself

[Schooooler]

oh no! not a cigar!!!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

When they play the tape it will be a recording of: "Ain't No Stoppin' us Now" by Luther Vadross

[PoorMartha]

Logan's gonna off himself?

[sybilll]

Asta La Vista President Manilow

[daisymae]

I think Prez Handbag is going to kill himself rather than face the music.

[Mike]

Oh no, Logan's gonna smoke a cigar!

[Betsy]

Suicide time!!!

[Suzy Q with a perimeter]

Amy: download me, baby!

[Johnny]

TRANSLATION
"It's gonna be all right" = something dramatic's gonna happen, so the Attorney General won't hear the tape, and this will drag out another 4 episodes!!

[Marie in Kourou]

Hey, whaddaya got against violins?

Oh, right. You can't shoot people in the thigh with them.

[Glow]

Oh yes, it's time for you to exit Stage Left, POTUS.

[Schooooler]

Star Chamber stuff...

[philintexas]

Prez Wienie's about to fall on his sword

[bizrey]

Man, the RNC is rough.

[Amy]

"Violence, not violins"

*Snork* Betsy

Brings to mind an old Roseanne Rosannadanna sketch about "Violins on TV."

[tropichunt.com guy™]

C'mon, Manilow...get THIS right...take the pills, shoot yourself, etc. Just get it right!

[ny girl]

Wow! The president is going to take one for the team!

[slyeyes]

Maybe it's an exploding cigar.

[LucyVanPelt]

Also, is the weird bald terrorist guy, that evil doctor from ER that got smashed by a helicopter?

(if it is then perhaps he has Jack Bauer Powers)

[Suzy Q with a perimeter]

Do it, weenie, DO IT!

[Glow]

Love the dramatic music. Like a vampire is about to appear and suck Handbag's blood.

[Betsy]

...AND we'll be back with the results...right after the Break!!!!

[Bucket]

Weenie weenie weenie!!!

[slyeyes]

.....or a smoking gun.

[PoorMartha]

He doesn't have the stones for this. Maybe Martha will shoot him instead.

[Kathy P.]

Sorry - I go paused by a robot - who should obviously be in charge of security. The Pres gonna shoot himself, y'think?

[mellio]

This will not be a thigh shot, I don't think...

[sybilll]

Is he gonna OFF himself..........or the wife, and implicate her?

[FleaBailey]

This is taking too long. Somehow I don't think the Prez is going to kill himself yet.

[Gretchen]

President Handbag grows a pair! This is from my husband, who won't play on the blog, but loves to make snarky comments.

[Schooooler]

Will he remember to off the First Lady before killing himself (she knows everything...)?

[Layzeeboy]

That's not a real gun...it's a lighter for his cigar

[Ev]

Maybe the president will just shoot his thigh

[Glow]

Shoot! (oops pardon) Do you think he's going to off Madame Kanister first?

[KOW]

And he couldn't have done this -- oh I dunono - 20 hours ago? Or even last season?

[Fred]

Go Prez Handbag, go to CTU and shoot Audrey!

[paris]

whoa hellers alive :)
yea logan looks like he gonna kill himself

[Woodkettle]

Aaron's gonna show up and save the First Lady's ass...

[Varjak]

The President is going to shoot himself in the thigh, and when the aides come rushing in he'll shout "JACK WAS JUST HERE! HE WENT OUT THE WINDOW!"

Well, why not at this point?

[Kathy P.]

And Audrey too, just to save us? And do in the da** gecko, too....

[Shanna]

ok so i just did the math...a battalion is two to six companies and a company is 100-200 men. they sent two battalions, so at minimum, they sent 400 men after jack and at maximum they sent 2,400 men!! 2,400 soldiers just HAPPEN to be within MINUTES of that highway?? maybe they were hiding in the numerous barns and forests of downtown los angeles!

[Ivan Wolfe]

The President is going to kill himself?

He must be listening to too much Heavy Metal music.

[ldouthit]

if the pres kills himself, Dave can't display any more handbags...

[Amy]

"Jack...it ain't over til it's over...don't be premature...it ain't good luck to celebrate before the fat lady sings."

I'm a professional opera singer and you can bet I've broken into a few choruses of "Va pensiero" over here!!!

[homeybeef]

Logan knows his only option starts with "s" and ends in "uicide"

[Suzy Q with a perimeter]

Gretchen: DH is BACK? WTF?

[Unrealious]

Bang! Whew. Bang! Whew. Whew. Bang!

-Quickdraw McGraw

[sybilll]

Sorry I didn't refer to the offee wife as Madame Kanister. My apologies....

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Why hasn't anyone posted about William Devaney surviving other than me?!

I TOLD you he's going to be the President next season! :)

[Varjak]

"if the pres kills himself, Dave can't display any more handbags..."

Well, why not? Edgar has shown up in every preview despite being dead for half the season.

[Schooooler]

he shoots himself in the thigh ... to make himself talk!!!

[Bucket]

Shanna -- MATH?? the writers do not concern themselves with such nonsense!

[Middle Aged Fat Guy]

Has ANYBODY seen my disbelief? My wife is officially hooked. She's always had a jones for Dr. Ramano.

[Betsy]

Commerical break comment: Speaking as a health care worker of many years experience, I don't recall the last time I saw a patient with bandages, casts, IV's, etc, lying in bed wearing a black teddy.

[Glow]

His aim will miss and he'll hit CheneyLookingGuy's thigh.

[judi]

hello all you freaks and geeks :) (which is a great show) it's 3:51. i've missed a LOT. where's steve when you need him.

[Marie in Kourou]

Only 10 more minutes... the tension mounts.

[Gretchen]

Suzy Q: That's WoosterGirl's husband (I think). Mine watches along with me. And watches me type frantically and laugh hysterically.

[Suzy Q with a perimeter]

back! 3:51 and NO ONE HAS BEEN SHOT!

[ldouthit]

I posted about Devane and Dave already called it...that he was alive...in his preview

[WoosterGirl]

Uh-oh. Gonna off the missus.

[philintexas]

Just one last look at the First Cleavage

[judi]

hello all you freaks and geeks :) (which is a great show) it's 3:51. i've missed a LOT. where's steve when you need him.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

This is getting pretty deep.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Oh no!

Remember what Mr. Whipple said:
Don't squeeze/shoot the Cleavage!

[sybilll]

TOLD you he would OFF Mrs Manilow

[Glow]

Maybe he wants a final nookie? There's still a few hours left.

[Bucket]

OH! she's lookin a bit rough~

[slyeyes]

I want to confess I'm going to kill myself.

[Kathy P.]

Murder/suicide?

[judi]

i'll have what she's having.

[MaryContrary]

Oh no, murder-suicide.!! I knew Pres. Weenie had to mess it up somehow . . .

[Layzeeboy]

DO IT!!! DAMMIT, JUST DO IT!!!!

[Fred]

The First Hooter to the Prez. "Is that a handgun in your pants or are you just glad to see me?"

[Unrealious]

I'm going to shoot myself and I was wondering if I should take yu with me.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

The handbags are coming home to roost.

[NY girl]

How is Martha still awake after all those pills?

[Glow]

Just give her more happy pills.