24

Here is the situation on the ground and in the air as of 2100 hours Eastern Perimeter Time:

Chloe is in a hotel bar with a laptop and a taser and a drunk named Ross, whom Chloe keeps tasering. This has been, hands down, the coolest action sequence of the season so far. We hope Chloe stays in the bar and continues tasering Ross and anybody else stupid enough to try to mess with her. We hope that by the end of this season, there is a large pile of tasered drunks surrounding Chloe, who is still pounding away on her laptop and uploading schematics, manifests, recipes, etc. to Jack's PDA.

Meanwhile, Jack is on a diplomatic flight with the Secret Tape Recording That Will Bring Down The President (STRTWBDTP), which Jack obtained via the clever tactic of repeatedly threatening to kill everybody on the plane. If only Jack can make the STRTWBDTP public, the president will be doomed, and the Evil Plot (whaever the hell it is) will be foiled!

(Many of you have asked why -- since Jack is in constant contact with Chloe, and he is an extremely high-tech individual, and he has a PDA that can do pretty much anything, including remotely detonate terrorists -- Jack doesn't simply transmit the STRTWBDTP to Chloe, so she can broadcast it. There is a simple, logical explanation for why Jack has not done this, which is: Shut up.)
   
So as we tune in tonight, Jack's plane is trying to land, but President Manilow, acting on orders from the Evil Bald Guy Puppetmaster of the Week, is about to order the Air Force to shoot the plane down, which means in a few minutes Jack could be DEAD. Also a race of giant Swedish-speaking oysters from Jupiter could land their spaceship in Milwaukee and dance the macarena.

In other plot developments:

The First Lady of the United States is stoned out of her gourd has taken some medication and retired to her room.

Edgar has embarked on a new career as an underwear model.

No -- Sorry! --  Edgar is still dead.

Audrey -- we are trying not to get too excited about this -- was missing altogether from last week's episode. Maybe the writers forgot about Audrey! We can dream, can't we? Meanwhile, we still are not totally 100 percent certain about the fate of Secretary of Defense William Devane, who drove into a lake two weeks ago, but may have figured out some way to survive.

So that's the situation, with four hours to go: Chloe in a bar; Jack on a plane; no coherent plot anywhere in sight. Just the way we like it.

UPDATE: We just realized that during tonight's episode we will also be monitoring the NBA playoff game between the Miami Heat and the New Jersey Sewer Discharges. So we will be busybusybusy. But that is why this blog makes the large dollars.

UPDATE: The Discharges have evidently bribed the officials.

UPDATE: At the end of one quarter, the score is: Miami 21

UPDATE: Ooooh! Jack broke his nose! Poor baby!

UPDATE: NOT AUDREY! DAMMIT!

UPDATE: Secretary of Defense Devane has survived two episodes underwater!

UPDATE: They are going to arrest Jack for the 362nd time.

UPDATE: "I know Jack."

UPDATE: Jack Bauer? ERRATIC??? WHO THE HELL ARE THEY CALLING ERRATIC????????

UPDATE: Point Magoo? Did Bill just say something about "Point Magoo?"

UPDATE: No biggie. I often land on the freeway.

UPDATE: Wait! When did Chloe leave the bar? WHERE'S ROSS?

UPDATE: "Everything's going to be fine," says Jack. Usually this means... DEATH.

UPDATE: Chloe is working on it.

UPDATE: He's not gonna make it!

UPDATE: Why do they need oxygen masks? They're almost on the freaking ground.

UPDATE: I believe this violates many California traffic laws.

UPDATE: I miss Ross.

UPDATE: "Thank you for flying the diplomatic flight. We hope you'll think of us again next time you need to nearly die eight different ways."

UPDATE: Two batallions of Marines against Jack? Those poor Marines.

UPDATE: Perimeter! Seriously, has one single perimeter EVER worked on this show?

UPDATE: Curtis! Making them stand down!

UPDATE: Uh-oh. Karen's gonna spill the beans to the creepster.

UPDATE: Wait... Isn't Bierko from the old Killer Kanister plot? Why's HE back?

UPDATE: Miami 54

UPDATE: They really need to do something about the lighting in the presidential retreat.

UPDATE: JUST PLAY THE FRICKING RECORDING, JACK.

UPDATE: Oh not Audrey again pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez

UPDATE: It's over! Sure.

UPDATE: Suicide time?

UPDATE: Speaking of suicide: Miami STILL 54

UPDATE: Not now. The First Lady has a headache.

UPDATE: Look, just kill yourself, OK?

UPDATE: Lotta moping around in this episode.

UPDATE: Don't drink and shoot! Ask the vice president about that!

UPDATE: The creepster! That slimeball!

UPDATE: Taser him, Chloe!

UPDATE: Plotwise, this was a snorefest. Too much brooding, too much Audrey, not enough Chloe, zero shooting.

UPDATE: Next week Jack goes after the Evil Puppetmasters. Call me naive, but I believe that eventually a plot WILL evolve.

UPDATE: Miami 64.

UPDATE: Seriously, did anyone else hear Bill say "Point Magoo?"

Comments

[Suzy Q]

Don't tell him Haig! He's a weasel!!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Can she trust Miles???

[tropichunt.com guy™]

There we go...take him into the hallway so it's just you...and him...and a weird lamp...

[JT]

"I'm a human being, you know, Karen...with FEELINGS...FEELINGS, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, FEEEEEEELINGS..."

[Glow]

too bad Karen doesn't have any kanisters to distract Miles with.

[OhioNora]

The most powerful handbag in the world...

[bizrey]

Yay bit-part lady!! * clap clap clap *

[Suzy Q]

Whooo! I got a snork!

[Kathy P.]

I'm with the Taser Miles guy - I don't even know Miles, but I don't trust him....

[slyeyes]

Oh, like I trust Miles!

[Betsy]

Oh yeah, I trust Miles.

[Bucket]

How long till he pulls out his cell phone?

[Wes S.]

Oh...just lock Miles in a holding cell till the season's over. Otherwise, he'll screw everything up.

[philintexas]

HE'S WEARING A TOUPEE...Miles is secretly one of the Evil Bald Gang!

[Marie in Kourou]

*snork* at JT

[Layzeeboy]

For God's sake don't harass him...the blue paint will come off !!!!

[ny girl]

Does anybody besides Haig trust Miles?

[Gretchen]

Suddenly Miles acquiesces? I don't trust him. Curtis you can trust. Miles, no.

[ldouthit]

Karpathian (Miles) is going to blow it...there are still 3 episodes left...

[Suzy Q]

3:34 and NO ONE HAS BEEN SHOT!

[WoosterGirl]

Suzy, you said it.

I'm bored now.

[Betsy]

Where's the tape?

[Bucket]

Uh oh, the nod and wink

[Glow]

Man, every terrorist has connections these days.

[bizrey]

Hey he spit on the floor!! Poke his bloody spot!

[slyeyes]

I hate it when a bad guy nods to a guard. That's never a good thing.

[Wes S.]

...And another freakin' mole at CTU. Jeez, who's doing background checks for those people?

[Amy]

34 minutes into the show and I finally have all the bloody comments read!!!!

[Suzy Q]

Have another beer, WoosterGirl. Hope your spawn still has a pulse.

[wolfie]

Someone seriously needs to be stabbed in the neck or something. Way too much set up, way too little bloodshed.

[WoosterGirl]

And depressed.

What would cheer me up is a good shoot-out.

[Layzeeboy]

Aaaaaarrrrrgh...commercial and I can't find the corkscrew

[sean neall]

who is that guy?

[KOW]

Miles is such an unctuous, whiny weasel. And Bierko, again? Can this get any more convoluted? At the beginning of this episode, with all the really old flashbacks, I thought they had queued the wrong episode.

[Bill Peschel]

Hold steady, people, they promised violence.

They'll deliver.

[Glow]

I think Edgar in underwear is more lethal than this episode.

[rezola]

wearing a blue jumpsuit in 24 is like the poor schmuck in Star Trek wearing red, always dies.

[Schooooler]

Miles & toupee = Absolutely correct (and priceless...)

[Suzy Q]

*lobs corkscrew to lazeeboy, hopes it hits SOMEONE in the thigh*

[WoosterGirl]

He's breathing. I think that's a good sign.

[daisymae]

X-MEN

[Lulu]

I think the creepster is working for Dr. Romano....

[ldouthit]

Wow, complexity returns...with the obviously undiscript foreign driver

[mellio]

Oh, now, Dave, you know it's because there's at least ONE canister left over.

Come on...there has to be! Didn't you see that driver guy looking at Bierko?

[Amy]

I'm going through thigh deprivation!!! And thankfully only 2 minutes of AWWWWWWFULdrey this episode so far. Yessssss!!!

[Johnny]

D'oh! Jack, you idiot, why didn't you at least play the freaking STRTWBDTP over the phone so Madame Haig could at least HEAR it????!!!

[Suzy Q]

*lobs corkscrew to lazeeboy, hopes it hits SOMEONE in the thigh*

[Kathy P.]

With a friggin' speakerphone, why didn't he play the evidence tape for 'em? Then Karen could say "Yeah, I heard it, Miles, the president is F***ed"

[JT]

How much you wanna bet that it would be a LOT easier to recruit team members LOYAL to CTU from Wal-Mart? (Documentation optional.)

[BostonPaul]

Commercial break; an aside:

Saw the movie "Connie & Carla" yesterday. Guess who plays a drag queen?

Miles!

[philintexas]

Jack Bauer's got one just like it Mate!

[Suzy Q]

Robotd! Robots! Hate them!

[Bucket]

OW!

[Matt and his cat]

Kathy, clearly the reason for that is also: "shut up"

[Betsy]

So I was watching the PBS Newshour tonight? And they were talking about the new head of the CIA being a general? and the difficulties of taking over of one intelligence agency by another??? And it was all I could do not to grab a beer and start blogging...

[Layzeeboy]

Oh, wait....it's a screw-cap

[WoosterGirl]

OK, bullets, people, bullets.

I want 'em flyin'. Everywhere.

[Suzy Q]

3:40

I WANT BLOOD!!

[Suzy Q]

3:40

I WANT BLOOD!!

[Gretchen]

Snork@Betsy!

[wolfie]

Youd think by now they would have learned about this whole perimeter thing.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Okay, Handbag...are you going to surround CTU yet??!

[daisymae]

Where's the First Cleavage...ah-ha...Jack slipped away...(chortle)

Yayyyy...Jack slipped the perimeter...NO perimeter can hold Jack.

[OhioNora]

President handbag just peed on himself!!

Yuck!

[FleaBailey]

President Weenie's going postal.

[slyeyes]

Is he gonna crack??????

[Glow]

oh so now Cheneylookingguy is catching on????

[Amy]

Darn, SuzyQ! Watch where you throw that crap! You hit me in the calf!

[ldouthit]

whats up with that look from Mike...he has done that since Season one and I havent figured it out yet...

[Gretchen]

President Manilow. Less a handbag than a 13-year-old girl who just ran out of roll-on lipgloss.

[Kathy P.]

How did Dick Cheney get on this show?

[Betsy]

Are you all right?

Am I EVER all right, Mike???

[WoosterGirl]

President Handbag looks like he took too much of my spawn's Benadryl.

[Bucket]

Ooooh, maybe the handbag will shoot himself in the thigh!

[Suzy Q]

Amy: Is there blood? Should I not call 911?

[wolfie]

I would wet myself in joy if Pres Weenie decides to off himself right now.
Preferably in some extremely bloody manner.

[Glow]

Well, he could be the first Prez of the US to commit suicide...even on a TV show....

[slyeyes]

Is the President's office under water?

[ldouthit]

the pres may be going to hell in a HANDBAG

[Schooooler]

I'm calling you-u-u-u-u Mr.Prez....

[OhioNora]

Finally!! He gave the recording to Chloe!!!

[Amy]

Suicide is always a viable option...

[sybilll]

OH NO! Chloe has the recording...........where will she go?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

NOOO!!! What's more important, that recording or Audrey??!

Oh, wait, Jack established his priorities in this matter already...

DAMNIT!

[Suzy Q]

Oooo, Jack and Chloe together again! Wastch out for wolfie, Jack!

[PoorMartha]

Gee I wonder if Miles will somehow destroy the recording....

[daisymae]

Oh, crap...a tender moment!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Oh, but don't make a copy or anything like that.

[Kathy P.]

Chloe's gonna do all that without an Apple laptopl? :-) LOL!!!

[fred]

BARF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[slyeyes]

Taking bets now.

The recording will be blank.

[Bucket]

yuk!!

[Gretchen]

EEEEuuuuwwwww!!!!!!! MY EYES! MY EYES!!!!

[WoosterGirl]

Oh, puke.

[FleaBailey]

Audrey's dead soon.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

PRESIDENT-TO-BE DOS COJONES GRANDES SURVIVED!!!!

[Glow]

Oh please...you don't need to see Awwdrey--you need to PLAY THIS RECORDING ON THE LOUDSPEAKER! Why am I shouting? It's not like Jack ever listens to me when he is looking at a blonde....;-)

[wolfie]

NooOOOoooooOOOO!! No touching moment. No touching! No kissing!! No hugging!!
*runs back to underwear edgar to clear brain*

[JT]

Yeah, right, Audrey...who's yer REAL daddy???

[Betsy]

agggggggggggggggggggggggh!!!
Violins!!!
Violence, not violins!
Violence, not violins!!!