24

Here is the situation on the ground and in the air as of 2100 hours Eastern Perimeter Time:

Chloe is in a hotel bar with a laptop and a taser and a drunk named Ross, whom Chloe keeps tasering. This has been, hands down, the coolest action sequence of the season so far. We hope Chloe stays in the bar and continues tasering Ross and anybody else stupid enough to try to mess with her. We hope that by the end of this season, there is a large pile of tasered drunks surrounding Chloe, who is still pounding away on her laptop and uploading schematics, manifests, recipes, etc. to Jack's PDA.

Meanwhile, Jack is on a diplomatic flight with the Secret Tape Recording That Will Bring Down The President (STRTWBDTP), which Jack obtained via the clever tactic of repeatedly threatening to kill everybody on the plane. If only Jack can make the STRTWBDTP public, the president will be doomed, and the Evil Plot (whaever the hell it is) will be foiled!

(Many of you have asked why -- since Jack is in constant contact with Chloe, and he is an extremely high-tech individual, and he has a PDA that can do pretty much anything, including remotely detonate terrorists -- Jack doesn't simply transmit the STRTWBDTP to Chloe, so she can broadcast it. There is a simple, logical explanation for why Jack has not done this, which is: Shut up.)
   
So as we tune in tonight, Jack's plane is trying to land, but President Manilow, acting on orders from the Evil Bald Guy Puppetmaster of the Week, is about to order the Air Force to shoot the plane down, which means in a few minutes Jack could be DEAD. Also a race of giant Swedish-speaking oysters from Jupiter could land their spaceship in Milwaukee and dance the macarena.

In other plot developments:

The First Lady of the United States is stoned out of her gourd has taken some medication and retired to her room.

Edgar has embarked on a new career as an underwear model.

No -- Sorry! --  Edgar is still dead.

Audrey -- we are trying not to get too excited about this -- was missing altogether from last week's episode. Maybe the writers forgot about Audrey! We can dream, can't we? Meanwhile, we still are not totally 100 percent certain about the fate of Secretary of Defense William Devane, who drove into a lake two weeks ago, but may have figured out some way to survive.

So that's the situation, with four hours to go: Chloe in a bar; Jack on a plane; no coherent plot anywhere in sight. Just the way we like it.

UPDATE: We just realized that during tonight's episode we will also be monitoring the NBA playoff game between the Miami Heat and the New Jersey Sewer Discharges. So we will be busybusybusy. But that is why this blog makes the large dollars.

UPDATE: The Discharges have evidently bribed the officials.

UPDATE: At the end of one quarter, the score is: Miami 21

UPDATE: Ooooh! Jack broke his nose! Poor baby!

UPDATE: NOT AUDREY! DAMMIT!

UPDATE: Secretary of Defense Devane has survived two episodes underwater!

UPDATE: They are going to arrest Jack for the 362nd time.

UPDATE: "I know Jack."

UPDATE: Jack Bauer? ERRATIC??? WHO THE HELL ARE THEY CALLING ERRATIC????????

UPDATE: Point Magoo? Did Bill just say something about "Point Magoo?"

UPDATE: No biggie. I often land on the freeway.

UPDATE: Wait! When did Chloe leave the bar? WHERE'S ROSS?

UPDATE: "Everything's going to be fine," says Jack. Usually this means... DEATH.

UPDATE: Chloe is working on it.

UPDATE: He's not gonna make it!

UPDATE: Why do they need oxygen masks? They're almost on the freaking ground.

UPDATE: I believe this violates many California traffic laws.

UPDATE: I miss Ross.

UPDATE: "Thank you for flying the diplomatic flight. We hope you'll think of us again next time you need to nearly die eight different ways."

UPDATE: Two batallions of Marines against Jack? Those poor Marines.

UPDATE: Perimeter! Seriously, has one single perimeter EVER worked on this show?

UPDATE: Curtis! Making them stand down!

UPDATE: Uh-oh. Karen's gonna spill the beans to the creepster.

UPDATE: Wait... Isn't Bierko from the old Killer Kanister plot? Why's HE back?

UPDATE: Miami 54

UPDATE: They really need to do something about the lighting in the presidential retreat.

UPDATE: JUST PLAY THE FRICKING RECORDING, JACK.

UPDATE: Oh not Audrey again pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez

UPDATE: It's over! Sure.

UPDATE: Suicide time?

UPDATE: Speaking of suicide: Miami STILL 54

UPDATE: Not now. The First Lady has a headache.

UPDATE: Look, just kill yourself, OK?

UPDATE: Lotta moping around in this episode.

UPDATE: Don't drink and shoot! Ask the vice president about that!

UPDATE: The creepster! That slimeball!

UPDATE: Taser him, Chloe!

UPDATE: Plotwise, this was a snorefest. Too much brooding, too much Audrey, not enough Chloe, zero shooting.

UPDATE: Next week Jack goes after the Evil Puppetmasters. Call me naive, but I believe that eventually a plot WILL evolve.

UPDATE: Miami 64.

UPDATE: Seriously, did anyone else hear Bill say "Point Magoo?"

Comments

[ASK]

the parameters have changed!

[Glow]

Use the barfbag if neccessary. We are going to land on an island soon and be part of the Dharma Initiative...oops wrong show.

[WoosterGirl]

Oh, Mike! Such big cojones!!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Please reconsider. I say that all the time.

[Marie in Kourou]

Oooooooh, there's ominous alien-type music and weird red and pink lights now (alien brothel ship?). And a gross dead alien.

[Suzy Q from Flank 2 Position]

I'm scared!

[Gretchen]

Mike sucks. I'm so over him.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Jack's looking for the off-ramp...

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

They're gonna have a fender bender.

[bizrey]

Stand on it boy!!!!

[slyeyes]

Just like my last Del!ta flight.

[wolfie]

Get off quick before you get to the toll booth!

[Kathy P.]

Now, when he slows to about 120 mph, Jack will jump from the plane, right?

[WoosterGirl]

Those air brakes work GREAT!

[OhioNora]

Look! De plane! Da plane!!

[Suzy Q from Flank 2 Position]

Don't forget your JackSack!!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

JackSack®!

[Gretchen]

Why do they have to leave now? They landed.

[Stacy]

And somewhere on I-5, a speeding motorist thinks "Crap...they weren't kidding when they said speeders are clocked by aircraft"

[liz]

they totally took that seen for the movie "the core"

[Wes S.]

...Jack's just going to leave the traitorous co-pilot there?

[Varjak]

"Have him meet me there." Because Curtis won't be able to stop the airplane sitting on the freakin' INTERSTATE!

[Glow]

Jack has his Jacksack!

[ldouthit]

Nice thigh slde Jack...good thing his thighs are in tact

[JT]

Wimp. MARWAN never would have aborted...

[Kathy P.]

That was one fast stop... My plane alwasy takes at least 5000 feet to come to a 30 mph taxiing....

[Marie in Kourou]

Wow. It's over. That was a short film. No leglike-appendage-shooting was needed.

Has the plane landed yet?

[Layzeeboy]

Ya gotta wait for the DING before you unbuckle your seatbelt.

[bizrey]

OhioNora : * Groan * lol

[Rezola]

where can I get that satchel, I think it is the latest trend. Guns, PDA, extra ammo clips is there anything that is not in there.

[KOW]

You will have to pardon my language, but Jack is the king of the badasses. I think I need a defibrillator.

[Varjak]

Stop? Spot! Darn typos...

[Glow]

My last plane ride didn't land THAT smoothly.

[WoosterGirl]

OMG. More beer.

*dashes to frig and then upstaris to check on drugged spawn*

[wolfie]

Jack probably has one in his JackSack you can borrow KOW.

[Fred]

Does anyone have a dime? Someone has to go back and get a shitload of dimes!

[Bucket]

Hi! I just got here! what's going on??
Never mind - Dave's updates say it all!

[Suzy Q from Flank 2 Position]

wolfieeee: Chloe changed her clothes!! when did she do that? Did she steal lounge lizard's attire? So many questions....

[Bill Peschel]

Now it's gonna be a two-hour wait for his luggage

[FleaBailey]

I can't believe they didn't hit the overpass. What wimps.

[OhioNora]

Cool!! New X-Men movie!

[Glow]

Now all he needs is don his Hoodie of Invisibility and none of the King's--oops--Prezidente's men will see him!

[slyeyes]

I love that VW commercial.

[Middle Aged Fat Guy]

Disbelief? Where is my darned disbelief?

[philintexas]

"spawn"? I just call mine inadvised emissions

[wolfie]

I don't know SuzyQ but shes looking particularly stunning this evening. So much so that if she reconfigures anything I'm going to have to go have some quailty time with myself.

[Bucket]

OMG! OhioNora? there's two of us?

[JT]

"We went on a trip last year," I said. "Have you SEEN the price of airline tickets?" I said. "We ALWAYS go to the same place," I said. But would Mabel listen? No, we had to take a plane trip to see Walt and Frances again...HAPPY, MABEL?

[Betsy]

Oh what the hell. time for Tecate.

[Varjak]

Any landing you sprint away from with the entire federal governement on your heels is a good one.

[Suzy Q from Flank 2 Position]

*refreshed wine, ready for next session*

Hey, if this doesn't get a LOT more violent, I'm gonna have to go watch something with more gratuitous violence, like 7th Heaven. I WANT THIGH SHOTS!!!!!

[philintexas]

two battalions of marines...not enough for Jack

[Kathy P.]

only 2 battalions of Marines?

[Gretchen]

They were on the freeway. I had to abort. Ha! Snort! Giggle...

[Glow]

You f*ed up, Handbag! Three strikes and you're out.

[Betsy]

Two battalions of Marines which I carry in my PrezSack...

[Bucket]

2 batalians of marines cant stop jack bauer!!

[JT]

Only TWO Marine battalions? For JACK BAUER????
HAH!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Jeez...you think that President Manilow will..umm...THINK...that MAYBE forming a PERIMETER around CTU may be the better idea, rather than trying to form one around Jack?!

[WoosterGirl]

phil, "spawn" is just less to type...

[Matt and his cat]

A perimeter!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

A perimeter--thank God!

[bizrey]

What if that evil bald guy is just a voice inside the President's head?

[daisymae]

hOW does Jack know which direction is North? at night?

[wolfie]

ppffftt. A perimeter. We know those always work so well.

[Wes S.]

"The Marines are setting up a perimeter..." Well, Jack will be OK then; this show has yet to secure a perimeter...

[Glow]

Wow, even the Marines are setting up a perimeter!

[FleaBailey]

Why don't I trust Curtis?

[OhioNora]

I thought CTU had the patent on 'perimeters'!!

[Betsy]

I'll meet you on the north side of the freeway.

In the dark.

[Suzy Q from Flank 2 Position]

Jack Bauer LAUGHS at your perimeters!!

[daisymae]

Yayyyy, Curtis found him.

Uh Oh...the perimeter...the marines...

Will Jack & Curtis get through!

[Gretchen]

Fleabailey: You HAVE to trust Curtis!! Shame on you for thinking otherwise.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Ha! These are not the suspects you're looking for! Move along! Move along!

Obi-wan Curtis-obi!

[Layzeeboy]

Los Angeles County Terrorist Unit? Sheesh, we only have Meter Maids.

[Glow]

Oooh brother to brother standoff, man. Go Curtis, Go Curtis, Go Curtis!

[Kathy P.]

2 battalions of marines and a black guy in an SUV - think they're gonna get away? boy, that guy is good.... Or the Marine is dam* dumb.. I'm betting on the latter.

[slyeyes]

I have never really understood the phrase "Stand down".

Lie down, I get. But "Stand down"? Whatever.

[Marie in Kourou]

I'm glad we haven't gotten to any of the seasons with Chloe in it in France yet. Giant Frog would get wayyyyyyy too happy watching Chloe "reconfigure" stuff, and I would NOT be thrilled. (He's a computer engineer. Dork-o-rama.)

[PoorMartha]

Oh suck it Miles.

[wolfie]

Someone tazer Miles.
Chloe!?

[Betsy]

Oh jeez!!! It's a-hole!

[Matt and his cat]

I'll have to get my answers somewhere else, like Google!

[daisymae]

Oops...slime bucket is making threats!

[Suzy Q from Flank 2 Position]

Miles is a little sh*t with a teeny little di*k!

[OhioNora]

I really HATE Miles. He's just SOOOOO slimey.

[ldouthit]

Is Karpathian's voice for REAL?

[Glow]

Trust a Weeeezle? Sigh.

[Gretchen]

Ugh. This guy. Someone shoot him in the thigh.

[bizrey]

Chloe has a taser, let her talk to Miles

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Uh, oh...she's going to TRUST him...that's like JACK'S KISS OF DEATH!

[FleaBailey]

And ANOTHER bad decision by General Haig.

[philintexas]

uh oh... the weasel's gonna blow

[daisymae]

She trusts slime bucket...oops!

[Gretchen]

Yeah, but you're a total douchebag.

[Betsy]

No you DON'T have to tell him the truth, Karen. Didn't anyone ever teach you how to lie???

[Betsy]

No you DON'T have to tell him the truth, Karen. Didn't anyone ever teach you how to lie???

[Matt and his cat]

Maybe Miles is working for the bald guy??

[ldouthit]

*snork* Suzy Q

You know what they say: small voice tiny dick

[WoosterGirl]

Shoot him in the thigh, Karen.

D'oh! Maybe not.