24

Here is the situation on the ground and in the air as of 2100 hours Eastern Perimeter Time:

Chloe is in a hotel bar with a laptop and a taser and a drunk named Ross, whom Chloe keeps tasering. This has been, hands down, the coolest action sequence of the season so far. We hope Chloe stays in the bar and continues tasering Ross and anybody else stupid enough to try to mess with her. We hope that by the end of this season, there is a large pile of tasered drunks surrounding Chloe, who is still pounding away on her laptop and uploading schematics, manifests, recipes, etc. to Jack's PDA.

Meanwhile, Jack is on a diplomatic flight with the Secret Tape Recording That Will Bring Down The President (STRTWBDTP), which Jack obtained via the clever tactic of repeatedly threatening to kill everybody on the plane. If only Jack can make the STRTWBDTP public, the president will be doomed, and the Evil Plot (whaever the hell it is) will be foiled!

(Many of you have asked why -- since Jack is in constant contact with Chloe, and he is an extremely high-tech individual, and he has a PDA that can do pretty much anything, including remotely detonate terrorists -- Jack doesn't simply transmit the STRTWBDTP to Chloe, so she can broadcast it. There is a simple, logical explanation for why Jack has not done this, which is: Shut up.)
   
So as we tune in tonight, Jack's plane is trying to land, but President Manilow, acting on orders from the Evil Bald Guy Puppetmaster of the Week, is about to order the Air Force to shoot the plane down, which means in a few minutes Jack could be DEAD. Also a race of giant Swedish-speaking oysters from Jupiter could land their spaceship in Milwaukee and dance the macarena.

In other plot developments:

The First Lady of the United States is stoned out of her gourd has taken some medication and retired to her room.

Edgar has embarked on a new career as an underwear model.

No -- Sorry! --  Edgar is still dead.

Audrey -- we are trying not to get too excited about this -- was missing altogether from last week's episode. Maybe the writers forgot about Audrey! We can dream, can't we? Meanwhile, we still are not totally 100 percent certain about the fate of Secretary of Defense William Devane, who drove into a lake two weeks ago, but may have figured out some way to survive.

So that's the situation, with four hours to go: Chloe in a bar; Jack on a plane; no coherent plot anywhere in sight. Just the way we like it.

UPDATE: We just realized that during tonight's episode we will also be monitoring the NBA playoff game between the Miami Heat and the New Jersey Sewer Discharges. So we will be busybusybusy. But that is why this blog makes the large dollars.

UPDATE: The Discharges have evidently bribed the officials.

UPDATE: At the end of one quarter, the score is: Miami 21

UPDATE: Ooooh! Jack broke his nose! Poor baby!

UPDATE: NOT AUDREY! DAMMIT!

UPDATE: Secretary of Defense Devane has survived two episodes underwater!

UPDATE: They are going to arrest Jack for the 362nd time.

UPDATE: "I know Jack."

UPDATE: Jack Bauer? ERRATIC??? WHO THE HELL ARE THEY CALLING ERRATIC????????

UPDATE: Point Magoo? Did Bill just say something about "Point Magoo?"

UPDATE: No biggie. I often land on the freeway.

UPDATE: Wait! When did Chloe leave the bar? WHERE'S ROSS?

UPDATE: "Everything's going to be fine," says Jack. Usually this means... DEATH.

UPDATE: Chloe is working on it.

UPDATE: He's not gonna make it!

UPDATE: Why do they need oxygen masks? They're almost on the freaking ground.

UPDATE: I believe this violates many California traffic laws.

UPDATE: I miss Ross.

UPDATE: "Thank you for flying the diplomatic flight. We hope you'll think of us again next time you need to nearly die eight different ways."

UPDATE: Two batallions of Marines against Jack? Those poor Marines.

UPDATE: Perimeter! Seriously, has one single perimeter EVER worked on this show?

UPDATE: Curtis! Making them stand down!

UPDATE: Uh-oh. Karen's gonna spill the beans to the creepster.

UPDATE: Wait... Isn't Bierko from the old Killer Kanister plot? Why's HE back?

UPDATE: Miami 54

UPDATE: They really need to do something about the lighting in the presidential retreat.

UPDATE: JUST PLAY THE FRICKING RECORDING, JACK.

UPDATE: Oh not Audrey again pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez

UPDATE: It's over! Sure.

UPDATE: Suicide time?

UPDATE: Speaking of suicide: Miami STILL 54

UPDATE: Not now. The First Lady has a headache.

UPDATE: Look, just kill yourself, OK?

UPDATE: Lotta moping around in this episode.

UPDATE: Don't drink and shoot! Ask the vice president about that!

UPDATE: The creepster! That slimeball!

UPDATE: Taser him, Chloe!

UPDATE: Plotwise, this was a snorefest. Too much brooding, too much Audrey, not enough Chloe, zero shooting.

UPDATE: Next week Jack goes after the Evil Puppetmasters. Call me naive, but I believe that eventually a plot WILL evolve.

UPDATE: Miami 64.

UPDATE: Seriously, did anyone else hear Bill say "Point Magoo?"

Comments

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

YAY-Their going to contact Chloe.

[slyeyes]

???

I'm confused about this BSI Code thingy.

[Betsy]

Oooooh....watch Pres weenie trying to act like a weenie!

[Gretchen]

Do we know this black guy? He looks familiar to me.

[Glow]

Come on, CheneyLookingGuy, you have to start thinking TODAY is just a tad too eventful???

[Suzy Q]

BVI, VBI? WTF?

[Matt and his cat]

I love how the Pres has to play dumb. Not that he's having a hard time, mind you.

[daisymae]

VCI distress code...hmmmm....veddy interesting...it means Jack is going to crash the plane into a ground installation...CRAP! Crash it onto the Prez! Oh, wait a minute, too many innocent lives.

Are they going to shoot it down?

[slyeyes]

Hey! That's the Mission Impossible guy, isn't it? The real MIssion Impossible.

[ldouthit]

Mike is an official DUNCE CAP!

[K]

Sugar Ray Leonard?

[bizrey]

Why is the Admiral crowding the camera? Step back dude.

[Betsy]

Whoa!!! Whoa!!!

[Wes S.]

Wonderful...Mike and the admiral just gave President Weenie the excuse he needs to have the plane shot down.

[Glow]

BSI code means Bull S*** Instructions.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Mike Novick, Devil's Advocate.

[Gretchen]

Nah... not Sugar Ray. But close.

[NY girl]

Don't they know....the worst Jack will do is shoot innocent people in the thigh?

[ASK]

what is deviant aboout shooting people in the thigh?

[Unrealious]

What was that about McGoo?

[ldouthit]

Slyeyes...that is the guy from Seinfeld...he worked with George at the baseball stadium

[Marie in Kourou]

So if Devane comes out of the lake looking like this, we're going to be able to make this out of him.

[Suzy Q]

Oooo! Weenie made a decision! He's shooting down the plane! Way to save your ass, asswipe!

[Betsy]

Mike is being a pain in the ass. Whoa!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Shoot down the plane? Hey, he stole my idea from LAST WEEK'S BLOG COMMENTS!!!

[Layzeeboy]

Uh oh, Jack. Better bail out. You've already been accused of killing one president today.

[Glow]

That PDA is still working great, though!

[Gretchen]

Mike has just become the dumbest person in the universe! Have the writers paid ANY attention to character development?

[slyeyes]

Chloe can get a signal to the aircraft.

[Suzy Q]

There's gonna land in the LA river! I just know it.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

A coded frequency is going to stop them?!? SINCE WHEN!?

[Glow]

Jack is going to land the plane himself, dammit!

[Marie in Kourou]

*returns HTML badge* Second try:

So if Devane comes out of the lake looking like this, we're going to be able to make this out of him.

[daisymae]

Thank you, Glow.

Uh-oh, the Prez authorized them to shoot it down. The Prez is a mass murderer...wait we already knew that!

Bill's on the job, Karen knows about the VCI code...Yayyyy, there's letting Jack know.

Yayyyy, they're going to crash land on the freeway! I'M SO GLAD I'M NOT ON THAT PLANE!!!!!

[Betsy]

Landin' on the freeway! Kewl!

[WoosterGirl]

No, no car on the freeway, but the bars are open.

[wolfie]

Yes there will be. All those military people and every major character on the show who apparently don't have to abide by the curfew.

[Matt and his cat]

"We can't find a stretch of freeway that long, Jack! All the roads have to wind around the crapload of barns we have here in LA!"

[slyeyes]

There won't be any cars on the freeway......hasn't he been watching????

[Gretchen]

Ldouthit is right! Heeeeyyyy - aren't you the person who found the picture of Kiefer pantsless and alerted Dave to it? I was GONNA like you...but NO MORE!

[Layzeeboy]

Actually the Eisenhower Interstate system has one straight mile in every 10 for just such occasions. Just sayin.

[WoosterGirl]

The LA river! Right next to the LA forest.

[Glow]

Now we know why they needed Martian law!

[wolfie]

*snork* @ matt

[Kathy P.]

There's a curfew and nobody's going to b on the freeway - have they ever been in L.A.? who the h*** pays attention to curfews?

[slyeyes]

oops, forgot something.

*waves at SuzyQ*

[Wes S.]

What, now the curfew's supposed to work just when they need 5,000 feet of freeway to land on? When pretty much all of Greater LA has been free to come and go all night up to this point?

[slyeyes]

Martian law? Must've missed an episode.

[Suzy Q]

no prob, sly. we all get caught up in the "action."

[daisymae]

I'm so glad we all agree that nobody in LA is observiing the curfew.

[Glow]

Let's hope some thighs will be injured when they land the plane.

[JT]

Okay, all Jack has to do is to force the pilot to fly reeeeeeelllly low so Jack can then go back into the cabin, force open the door and jump.

If he hits the ground rolling, he'll be fine.

Hey! CHLOE can block the distress signal, I betcha!

[wolfie]

Only the guy Chloe tazered in the bar. Shouldn't he be getting another hit soon?

[Gretchen]

Curfew? We don't know nothin' 'bout no stinkin' curfew!

[ldouthit]

I still think Curtis will save the day..

[Marie in Kourou]

Heheh. This is making no sense because I can't watch "24" with you guys, but the comments are great. I should hang around the speedblogs more often.

*waves at Sly and Wolfie*

[Betsy]

Well a lot of people are observing it, but there are exemptions for every character and all the extras necessary to advance the so-called plot, )whatever that happens to be at the moment)

[Kathy P.]

Hey, I love Win TV Go - I can finally watch theis show and keep up with the blog... Tick, tick , tick....

[tropichunt.com guy™]

ChloeSack®!

[Suzy Q]

Chloe!! Is that a new sweater??

[Glow]

Martian law allows no cars on the streets but hotels and bars to be opened, thilly.

[Rezola]

chloe is here to save the day

[NY girl]

How did Chloe get back so fast?

[Don W]

So, Audrey's father survives a Toonces off a California Highway?

[Betsy]

Get the passengers ready. Just make them crawl out from under their seats, and stop wetting their pants for a minute, and tell them everything gonna be JUST fine.

[wolfie]

It doesn't make any more sense when youre watching it MiK. Trust me.

*waves back*

[WoosterGirl]

ChloeClutch? More girly.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

The 118 Freeway, I knew I should have taken a different route.

[Matt and his cat]

I vote for Jack trying! He's more likely to pull it off.

[Glow]

They got SPEAKERPHONE. For God's sakes, Jack, PLAY that recording!

[Varjak]

"Quick! Lean out the cockpit window and read the mile markers!"

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Between Mile Marker's 91 and 92? Jeez, talk about trying to get your precision landing down...

Personally, I prefer MM101 in the keys...

[daisymae]

Now Bill's an air traffic controller. Chloe, too.

[philintexas]

prepare for an emergency landing...put your head between your legs and kiss your butt goodbye

[bizrey]

Wait a minute those coords are myhouse !! O_O

[slyeyes]

Toonces, *snork*

[Gretchen]

I'm so glad Curtis is back. Does this mean they'll kill him, though?

[Layzeeboy]

"That's not long enough." SNARK, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that.

[FleaBailey]

My, the pilot's nose has certainly healed quickly.

[Kathy P.]

Da**, that Chloe can do anything - does she have a laptop like that one in Independence Day?

[Glow]

Chloe left the bar really quickly, didn't she?

[Marie in Kourou]

The 1953 "War of the Worlds" is on TV now, dubbed in French. Jack could so shoot those aliens in the, ummmm... leg-like appendage(s).

[Suzy Q]

Right there with ya, tropichuntguy!

Gooooooooooooo Chloe!!

Descend! Now!

[WoosterGirl]

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

[Betsy]

I knew there was a reason I take the train.

[daisymae]

Looks like a lot of lights on the ground.

I'M SO GLAD I'M NOT IN THAT PLANE!!!!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Hmmm...hard descent = low pressure masks dropping from ceiling...uh...I think I get this...

[Gretchen]

Yah - a plastic cup attached to a baggie will save you if the plane crashes. Right.

[Glow]

Breathe, everyone, breathe!

[Matt and his cat]

She cannae take any morrrrrrrre, Jack!

[philintexas]

Prez Weinie is thinking about his role in "Airplane"

[Blondentropy]

So Funny, Phil!

[WoosterGirl]

Barf bag, please.

[bizrey]

Dammit Maverick! Get back in the fight!!!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Lotsa city lights for a freakin' desert...

[Matt and his cat]

Someone's getting a high score in Pacman! BLOOP BLOOP!

[slyeyes]

Why didn't oxygen masks descend in the cockpit?

[Stacy]

Did Jack just sink his battleship?

[Suzy Q]

Oh, crap! My pants! Pull upppppp!

[Layzeeboy]

Time out. Gotta TiVo David Blaine.