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April 14, 2006

WHEW

(Thanks to Addicted to 24)

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First?

At least he didn't jump up and down on the couch with Diane like he did with Oprah.

(Does the First happy dance.)

Am I all alone in here?

Congrats on your first, daisymae. I was just so overjoyed knowing the news about TomKat that it took me a minute to respond. ;)

Well, praise the gods and goddesses and pass the parfait!

that's a load off my mind.

Wait, am I supposed to care?

Man, it must be a slow news day...

Cruise added: "We're there, you know, with doctors. ... Whatever the woman wants. ... If she needs an epidural, she's gonna get her epidural."

"However, if she experiences post-partum depression, she'll get vitamins. Whatever the woman wants... well... Katie will know what she wants when I tell her what that is."

*rolls eyes*

Ouch.

Is it possible to sprain your eyes?

So does Cruise get to make noise during the birth when Holmes tries to separate him from his dangly bits during hard labor?

(Hi all--some time blurker, first time poster, theng-kew!)

Oh for the love of -----

I'm watching Entertainment Tonight and they are interviewing Tom Cruise.

All day long, whenever I'd access MSNBC.com or CNN.com, TomKat and the Silent Birth was on there.

WHEN DID THIS COUNTRY BECOME ALL CRUISE ALL THE TIME!?!?!?

*proceeds to jump up and down on couch in frustration*

DAYUM KDF!! You hit that nail square on the head!
*snork*

I hope when Katie goes into labor she grabs him by the dangly bits and we'll see which one screams first.

Hi, Sharon! Welcome to the Church of Booger-ology. You are permitted to *snork* all you want, and may have beer upon demand. If you have no beer available, some will be provided to you. You may also feel free to jump on all the furniture, since presumably it's your own.
P.S. Be afraid ... be very afraid ... of any post titled "BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN". It will rot your brain.
Have fun, and remember not to blog for an hour after eating, or, if you do, cover your keyboard.

Katie (post-birth): I hate you! I hate that baby! Get out of here!

Tom: Here. Have some vitamins.

Katie: Sure, why not? *takes them, shoves them up Tom's patootie* I feel better now.

Tom: Urmph!

Katie: *L. Ron Hubbard, my ass!*

Oh.....in a perfecter world.

Thanks for the welcome!

So, in the Church of Booger-ology, am I allowed to make noise while *snork*-ing?

(And Betsy, since I've been reading the posts here for a while, it's (not its) faaaaaaar too late for my poor keyboard.)

Sharon,

So, in the Church of Booger-ology, am I allowed to make noise while *snork*-ing?

Isn't *snork* generally a rude noise to begin with?

Sharon...I've heard that if you attempt to *snork* silently, your head explodes. It may be a myth, but why take chances?:)

a SNORK isn't rude at all! Maybe you're thinking of a SNORT?

Isn't the latter on the inhale and the former in the exhale, like a surpressed laugh?

And, you ALL know what happens if you silently *snork* and eat Pop-Rocks(tm) at the same time...

Indeed, Spiny...you rather made my point for me. A silent *snork* seems about as possible as *silent labor*.

And makes as much sense, really.

:)

"supressed"

Katie (post-birth): I hate you! I hate that baby! Get out of here!

Tom: Here. Have some vitamins.

Katie: Sure, why not? *takes them, shoves them up Tom's patootie* I feel better now.

Tom: Urmph!

Katie: *L. Ron Hubbard, my ass!*

Oh.....in a perfecter world.

Ok, that damn robot made me double post!!

But on a lighter note, for those of you who read and participated in the comments on the pooped coffee bean entry, I'VE BEEN INTERVIEWED!!! TONIGHT!

Ooooo, Coast! Good idea!

*makes urgent run to Home Depot, buys them out of hammers after carefully avoiding all potted plants, sends hardware to Katie so she can hit that nail squarely on the head*

Was he (The "Nail") ever normal? Like back when he was young and innocent and in Risky Business, was he a functioning, thinking human being? And if so, what happened? I bet it was Cocktail. That'd mess up anybody's head.

*enthusiastically waves hello to Sharon, hands her a Friday night beer*

Suzy Q! Awesome! Hope you suggested a follow up article covering the topic of the non-24 related Bloglit Community!

Betsy. No. This is Scatology with our leader D. Leonard Barry. He has a message for you.

KDF: I'll post what I said on Monday when more bloggers are likely to read it. I did say lots of good things about us. :)

"Interview With A Scientologist"

Not that I'm trying to be snooty or anything, but I need feedback!! And reassurance that I didn't sound like an idiot! From as many as possible. It was a LOT of writing!

Woo!

*waves back to KDF and guzzles beer*

Everyone knows that Friday night beer is the best.

And, might I add as a newcomer, seeing the words "pooped coffee bean entry" in Suzy Q's post just made my entire day.

*passes Sharon the communal tequila bottle*

Watch out for the worm!

Thanks, Suzy Q, and congrats on your interview.

*takes a swig of Tequila and passes it on*

What wor...oh, booger. I thought that was a wedge of lime.

Adonis, you forgot the true bloglit religion, Pastafarianism, which even has it's own game. All hail the Flying Spagetti Monster and it's noodly appendage!

SuzyQ: Sweetie, you can post about your interview whenever you want. We're always here for you and will wait til the cows come home if that's how long it takes for you to GET AROUND TO POSTING THE DAMN INTERVIEW!

Oops, sorry, didn't mean a word of that.
We're peaceful folk. :)

Welcome, sharon share-alike! Exactly what is it you're sharing? It's Friday night, ya know!
*hopeful look*

I can't remember who did it, but someone like a month or two ago made a list of "official" blog things. I remember that the blog religion was Pasta-whatever, but the blog cult was MOST DEFINITELY Scatology. Pithy statements and (root) beer to you.

Thanks, El! I'd offer you some coffee, but considering the tenor of the civit-poop entry, that might not be the best way to make friends. I drank all KDF's beer and Suzy Q's tequila, but I have a really nice bottle of Italian red I'd be happy to share.

:)

Well...I was waiting (forever) for the cows to come home, and, briefly, they did, only long enough to erase the message I was typing out of boredom at waiting for the cows to come home.

Suzy Q -- what interview? Inquiring minds don't have a lot of waiting patience (obviously).

(pass the tequila - I'll have a marguerita)

Key note on the TomKat piece - nearly everyone who ranked the article gave it one star - the lowest possible score!

daisymae: go back to the pooped coofee bean entry on the blog and look at the comments.

or "coffee" as it may be.....

pass the wine again, it appears I need sum more....

as part of a ... publicity blitz linking the impending birth of Cruise's first biological child with his upcoming film, "Mission: Impossible: III."

What? Is his spawn going to blow up a helocopter in this one? Is that why he said he needed to see "the dailys" on sonogram? Does anyone outside of hollywood really believe he has even one properly working synapse?

Hey Annie! Haven't seen you around the longer threads much! How's it goin'?

Oh, and anyone else who wants to get their 2 cents worth to the reporter, his email is [email protected] I tried to cut and past the interview questions from gmail to someone who emailed me and it just didn't work, even tho I opened two windows and everything...

past paste, whatever....

"It's basically just respecting the mother, you know, and helping to be quiet. (But) not the mother. The mother makes as much noise ... you know, she's going through it. She does what she's gotta do, OK?"

Well, whatever synapses are misfiring in there certainly aren't directed towards being articulate in any way.

*passes the wine to Suzy and gestures for her to keep the bottle*

SuzyQ, how totally cool! When will the article be published?

He said he'd send me the link on the 26th.

*sends round of whatever-they're-having to the entire blog to celebrate Friday, Passover, Easter, and Katie's newly-won permission to make appropriate noises during upcoming "discomfort"*

*Rolls out celebratory medieval torture device assortment in honor of new bloglit Sharon share-alike, and offers her a pick of any two and the bloglit of her choice upon whom to administer*

...what? That's not how we do it anymore? Since when? Was there a memo I missed? Sheesh.

*Offers secret blog handshake instead* SLAP!! Hey, it slipped, alright?

*Passes ss-l a frosty brew* (Everyone happy now?)

Someone above, whose initials are Adonis, mentioned my official list of official blog thingies from a gone but not forgotten thread *profuse sweating, paranoid glances in all directions, and severe twitches*. Below is a notarized copy of said list, as it was then introduced:

Voting remains open for the official anything of this Blog. Updated polling shows these leading Official Blog item/position candidates:

Oosik - Walter
Toilet - High Flow, Exploding
Reptile - Python
Penile Nickname - Oregonian
Funny Name Policy - Not Linking
Tourist Destination - Phuket
Body Part for Getting Shot In - Thigh
Sea Creature - Giant Squid
Beverage - need you still ask?
Female Body Part Euphemism - Rampart
Bad Song Writer - are you paying any attention whatsoever?
Religion - Pastafarianism
Cult - Scatology
Treat - Parfait
Disciplinary Confinement - Doghouse
Disciplinary Squadron - the Posse
Bloglit Trait - zany kindness
Poet Laureate - Insom
Master of the Universe - Christobol
Insufferable Bragging Monster - TCK
Rhymer With Camera - Tamara
Geezer Bus Driver - U.O
Vegetable Eater - Mr. Completely
Stealth Blogerette - Blessed St. Judi
Welcoming Committee Representative - Blue Meanie
Haikuist - Mudstuffin
Donut - Ted Kennedy
Exotic Species - the SNORK

Well, maybe you can be the welcoming committee again blue. Just don't twist the rack so hard.

Aw, man...you mean I don't get to test-drive the cucking-stool or chair of spikes? Oh, well...thanks for the brewski and the UNBELIEVABLY cool welcome to the party. *sniff*--ah, blogging is a many-splendored thing.

But I LIKE that secret handshake, Meanie! :)

*Moves ss-l from "Probable" to "Urgent" on therapy priority list*

Welcome ssl! Most of the rest of us are already on that list! Especially blue. He has an extremely compulsive need to make lists, poor guy.

And you're on a particular list of mine, sir.

Too late--I'm an English professor and a writer, and therefore MUCH too far gone for therapy.

But at least I can tell the difference between fantasy and reality--unlike TomKat and their ilk.

*waves to Adonis*

Wait, blue is she saying this isn't real? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Wait, gotta take my meds and sit down for a while.

I'm okay, I'm calm, I'm safe. I'm okay, I'm calm, I'm safe. I'm okay, I'm calm, I'm safe.

I feel better now.

So, ss-l, then you must at least be familiar with tortured writing implements, after all.
*Gives Adonis another blow with hammer*

*waves to ssl*

So what exact list am I on BM?

(he loves when you call him that sharon)

It sometimes scares me to think I'm probably pretty close to Angelina Jolie's character from Girl Interupted or Brad Pitt's from 12 Monkeys. And other times I relish it.

Nightol.

The list you're on just happens to include BM, Adonis. Go ahead, take a deep bowel.

Ss-l, Adonis' (note correct apostrophe usage) 12:56 attempt at antagonizing me is one of the many reasons for his iconic stature in these parts.

Wow, you're a schitzophrenic sociopathic psychotic lesbian eco-terrorist with a tic?

Cool. But no fair trying to get me in trouble when I've only just arrived.

"Tortured writing implements..."? You mean, like, non-ergonomic keyboards, or pens with angst?

Though it is standard policy of this blog's faculty to avoid awarding a grade of SNORK to incoming freshmen bloggers, it has been decided, in the name of policy obstructionism, to award a SNORK to sharon share-alike.

The awardee is reminded that this grade is subject to revocation in the event of failure to offer sufficient amounts of intoxicants to the faculty.

Whatever you do, Sharon, do not mention pop tarts to Adonis.

He has a thing about that...

Yes- he misses his own....seems he got toasted and one thing lead to an otter....

...but it was H U G E !!!!

I got a SNORK!!! I got a SNORK!!!

*does the "I got a SNORK" happy dance*

*offers blue and all sundry bloglits a leftover Friday night beer*

Um...pop tarts? Otters? Help me out here...

"Hi, Sharon! Welcome to the Church of Booger-ology. You are permitted to *snork* all you want, and may have beer upon demand. If you have no beer available, some will be provided to you. You may also feel free to jump on all the furniture, since presumably it's your own."

wow, i just woke up, checked the blog, saw this post and want to say, I'M OUT OF BEER!

goes back to bed to wait for the arrival of the beer truck.

and could someone turn off the italics please?

Uh -OH.

I *zip* in FIRST thing in the morning and the first thing I have to do is sweep!
What's up with that?

As a reminder once again to all, please SNORK responsibly.

*Hic!*

*Gets up off of floor so El can finish sweeping*

Starting anew:

Good morning everyone from su.so.ca where it is 57F and has been raining all night, but whatever!
SSL, we are Pastafarians, and our sauce of choice is Marinara, because we may have some closeted vegans. We don't really know, but we try to be considerate.

We have Pastafarian Marinara Bible study on Tuesday night, posse meetings are on Thursday in an undisclosed location (unless an urgent matter arises, in which case we can meet at a moment's notice) and the FIRST club has a secret handshake but I can't talk about the meetings AT ALL.

Ramparts.

Adonis, who we think is 12 years old is continuously talking about his HUGE POP TART, but he's semi-OK most of the time.

That's all I can think of this early in the morning.

*hopes SSL comes back after she went to all this trouble*

private message to Blue: VF!

but he's semi-OK most of the time

*SNORK*

Where does one apply for tenure?

Well, I thought I would kind of slowly get myself in gear for a busy Saturday (you are aware it is Saturday, right, El-the-wide-awake-at-6:30-something?).

Then El posts a jolt of a link. Man, what a bridge!

Applications can be left in the refrigerator directly outside the faculty office door, KDF.

Damn, El! Those ramparts could put someone's eyes out!

Suzy Q - read about the interview. Way cool! You go girl!

daisymae: He scolded me in an email. (I told him spanking would be much more effective) I don't know if I'm allowed to post the interview before it's published. Stay tuned.....

Wait, Suzy Q, please post it. How could he not want useful feedback before publication from a helpful and sober crowd like us?

One more thing for SSL:

This is our theme song. Enjoy!

'morning Blue. The FIRST thing I did this morning was watch some of the Bon Jovi/Sugarland concert, so I'm full of energy. I expect to crash by 10a.m. PDT.

*Hands El a bottle from the blog faculty fridge*

*Sorry, I drank all the good stuff*

Dang it! You guys are having too much fun here this morning! And I have to put the blog away and go attend to the great big pile of mulch in my driveway. :( Catch you later folks.

*leaves bottle of "tenure application" in faculty fridge with Blue's name on it, grabs one for consumption out in the garden*

Okay, thanks guys...I think I'm up to speed now. You are all very generous with your beer, pop tarts and ramparts (THAT was an eye-opener this early in the morning!), and I feel right at home.

Sorry 'bout the sweeping, El...we kinda had a late party last night.

pssst sharon, I left you a message on the "stone" thread.

Hey, I got a snork once and didnt know it was a good thing.Thanks to whoever that was that did it!

S SL --

If you're an English Professor, I'm sure you already noticed that the grammaticalnousocityiansm used herein by the bloglits is completely correct as far as usageness is concerned ... the vernacularization of the conversations here is entirely open to any style, but not to critiques or emending ...

Clarifications may be requested, but are not required.

For further questions, return to the Faculty Fridge ... merely sayin' ...

MoFaux - I believe that was me, and you totally deserved it. I would have remembered your snorkable comment, but I opened El's rampart link and put an eye out.

Being from farm country, when I see something like that, I immediately think of how uncomfortable the dairy cows were. Why anyone in their right mind (key words - right mind) would put a balcony like that on a little travel trailer is beyond me.

bO. the U(manity)--I did notice, and it was one of the things I liked about you guys, but I have to tell you that you are falling victim to a common stereotype about English profs--that we are the grammar gestapo of the intellectual world. This is why everyone is so afraid to open their mouths around us (we are somewhat like dentists that way). But I teach lit, not grammar, so I would NEVER dream of critiquing the vernacularization or spelling of the bloglits. After all, Chaucer and Shakespeare often used improper grammar, and they almost NEVER spelled a word the same way twice.

And...*snork* @ Annie!

Okay...case in point. I have NO idea how that "b" got in there, and I am in NO way making a commentary on O. the U(manity)'s hygene. :)

D'oh! "hygiene"!

Sharon welcome to our workplace support group.

looks like sharon will fit right in around these parts

Tiny, I think you missed your period.

Oh! HOHOHO!!!

S SL --

In case you missed it when blurking prior to joinin' in ... I formerly once wuz a "teacher" (?) of English (both grammar & lit) to Jr. & Sr. high kids, and even a couple of partial semesters @ JC level ... besides coachin' speech and drama ... and 17 years in the newspaper bidness (with the AP stylebook as a constant companion) ... I sorta know whereof you speak, on the "Grammar Gestapo" idea ... former studens still remember that I would (mebbe three times, in three different schools, over 17 years) "correct" misspellings on pep rally posters ... yeah, grammarians are married to gramparians, as far as I'm concerned ...

[Whut DOES bother me is the total decline of proper spelling and/or usage among the "professional" journalistic trade ... merely sayin' ...]

BTW ... L!O!L! @ your "bO ..." comment/disclaimer ... it wuz only a small "b" ... so I din't think I needed a shower already this early in the day ... merely sayin' ...

Theng-kew, all!

O. the U(manity)--I do sympathize with your frustration. I teach a LOT of journalism students in my university, and I promise that I'm TRYING to "raise them right" in the standards department. Not an easy task, especially when students insist upon writing things like (and ISIANMTU): "The Viola in the play 'Twelfth Night' is different that the Viola in 'Shakespeare in Love', and I think Shakespeare meant them to be different."

*snork* @ Annie!

pssst, looks like Thumper might be bringin' baby bunnies to the blog, pass it on!

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