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April 20, 2006

FLYING

it's 6 a.m. here at the Miami International Airport and Permanent Construction Zone. I'd like to buy a newspaper, but I can't: The newspaper stand on my concourse isn't open yet. Must be too early for them, even though there are thousands of people here waiting for planes. Fortunately the airport p.a.-system volume is cranked way up, so while we sit, not reading newspapers, we can enjoy the sound of loud airport pseudojazz. Nothing like a wailing sax at 6 a.m., except maybe root canal.

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Good Morning, Blogits! (cranking up the pseudojazz)

First?

Dave I am sorry that you are stuck at MIAPCZ.

Have you tried people watching to pass the time, or is that too scary at the MIAPCZ?

Going to get coffee...thought wailing sax said wailing sex, and was wondering what Dave has against that...maybe just the airport setting?

Nothing quite beats the deadness of an airport early in the morning. I remember once I was told to show up for an international flight 3 hours early. Too bad nobody informed the airline employees of that rule. Was just me and a few other bamboozled passengers waiting for them to bother to show up so we could check in.

I once drove a friend to the airport for a 6 a.m. flight, as we pulled in and leaped out of the car, ran to check bags in, and were tearfully hugging goodbye I happened to look at her ticket.


It said 6 P.M.

Relax, Dave. Have a nice, refreshing, bargain-priced cup of decaffeinated semi-cocoa bean-based beverage with dairy-like product, and a pseudocroissant. You'll feel much better.

Doh!

Remember Matts line from Big Trouble when they entered Miami International. "What Country are we in."
That is pretty much what It is like all the time.

Early AM flights are not fun. I will be at Our local airport tomorrow to go through the usual Strip search and FBI screening, Just to be able to fly to DC to see our wonderful panda cub. I would prefer to be flying to Dallas to see Dave perform but that is not gonna happen.

Have a safe flight Dave

LucyVanPelt: i did something similar, after visiting my sister in chicago, only when i stopped to check my bags at the curb, the guy looked at my ticket and said... "your flight was yesterday".

Ah, the MIACPZ, where you can hear more languages spoken in any given half hour than at the U.N.

Good luck, Dave.

p.s. dave? i've never been a fan of miami international airport. and, apparently, they have the same construction company responsible for boston's "big debacle dig" doing that neverending sure-to-be-fabulous remodeling job, right?

They are working at Dulles International too.

Oh sure - Ya can't find a newspaper, but I bet there is a bar open somewhere in the Construction International Airport.

*sigh*

I'll probably be flying out of MIAPCZ in a month...I can't wait. :( I'm buying my earplugs and reading material now...

Dave,

You don't need to buy Rosette Stone (tm) to learn to say,"This is a non smoking facility. Make sure that you keep your eyes on your luggage and don't accept any luggage from strangers."

You never know when you might want to use these expressions. For Example: When meeting new people, as an intro to your band playing In la gadda la vida, during sex.

Hey Dave, NO SAX BEFORE A FLIGHT! Everybody knows that.

Hi Dave! Geeez.....ya think you could manage to be at that airport the SAME day I'm there, and not 4 days later? Oh, and I noticed that "Behind those walls they're building the NEW Miami International Airport"!

Too bad it's not on THIS side of the wall.

Of course, if the PA system is like the airports I've been in, the sound quality is suspect. All of the voice actors who played adults in the "Peanuts" specials went to work as airport PA announcers: "BWA-BWA-BWA-BAH; BWA-BAH-BWA-BWA Delta BWA-BWA-BWA BAH Gate BUH-BUH-BAH two minutes..."

Thant might not have been a saxophone, that might have BEEN a root canal...

I think that the reason behind the invention of iPods, etc was to combat MIAPCZ pseudo-jazz and all other APCZ pseudo-jazz and "light" "music"

haiku:

wailing psuedojazz
droning engines, now airborne
the blog is grumpy

in a plane with Mom
a man fainted, and farted
glad he didn't 5hit

airlines serve boxed wines
you just knew this would happen
I wish I was home

I always take earplugs with me when I fly. I go out of Newark Liberty International and Miami probably has nothing on them - except more Spanish speakers maybe...

puppytoes -- I did that this past Christmas. When I got to the airport, I gave the guy my ticket. He told me the flight had been the day before (Christmas day). I threw myself on the mercy of his ingenuity, and he reinstated my ticket and got me on my flight.

Spanish Speakers?
Are they - like - woofers & tweeters with sombreros?

That would be Mexican Speakers wouldnt it?

25 th

Snork @ CR

Si, senor! Tenamos sombreros muy grande pero mi tweeter y woofer estan chiquito.

Tenamos sombreros muy grande pero mi tweeter y woofer estan chiquito.

Translation:

we Have very large hats but my tweeter and woofer are tiny.

Dave - don't you have connections with the Miami Herald? I thought you could, you know, get your newspaper delivered personally by Raul Lopez.

"Nothing like a wailing sax at 6 a.m., except maybe root canal."

Would you like me to sing to you, Dave?

I don't know if I'd want to "go hurtling through the sky in a pressurized metal tube" that departed from a place with the initials MIA. You're a brave soul Dave.

*snork* at bbescuela!
How come Dave can't get a paper electronically on his new 8125? Or is that one of those questions you should never ask a technology-challenged guy?

...and the irony of someone who has toiled at a newspaper for umpteen years not being able to get one when he needs it...karma - it's what's for breakfast.

Have a safe trip, Dave.

*snork* @ Barry Manilow!

D'oh! Annie, you beat me to suggesting he use his new phone to read the paper.

Unless he dropped it again.

Geezer joke: If flying's so safe, why do they call it a terminal?

Have a safe trip and I hope you don't have to change flights in AT(STAND CLEAR THE DOORS ARE CLOSING)L.

You need THIS

"A gentleman is someone who can play the sax, but doesn't." (W. C. Fields) All my sympathies, Dave. My carpool driver listened to pseudojazz every morning and evening of every blessed day for the four years she drove me to work. I found myself reflecting on the above quote quite a lot.

Just a thought: Leslie Nielsen isn't walking around there, I hope - is he, Dave?

It looks like Daves new phone can receive a RSS feed from his paper or any paper that has RSS capabilities. I recommend Mobipocket for the Software to read it. I would like to beg at this point for Dave to nag his publisher to make more of his books available from Mobipocket.

SPJG - Dave wouldn't know what the heck he was talking about if he asked that ...

MOTW. Agreed. And if his publisher called his bluff then it would get ugly.

What's a "newspaper"?

I am sorry. Can't blame me for trying.

NM - newspapers (that dont include Dave Barry columns) are those things you use to potty train dogs, and to line the bottom of bird cages. Of course here in Bawlmer, we use them as tablecloths when it is time for a crab feast!!
YUMMY!!

fivver - Based in part on the old saying "When you die, no matter which way you go, you will change planes in Atlanta," I moved to Atlanta. Now I just get on or off here.

That means all papers with the exception of the Miami Herald. I use our local paper, The Boston Herald to cover the floor under our cat's litter box. She has a habit of missing.

In terms of alternative uses (i.e., birdcages, litter boxes, bunny hutches) the Wall Street Journal is far superior to other news publications: it's about 2 inches bigger all around, thus covering more pooping area.

("Coming into Los Angeles"-Arlo Guthrie)

Waiting in Miami at 6 in the morn
Can't even buy a newspaper!
Guy across the aisle is reading p0rn
Could he be a father-raper?

Early flying out from Miami
AC so cold I think I might freeze
Don't take my crap-cam please
Mister Homeland Man!

Customers in line to go back home
Holdin' a voodoo service!
Sacrifin' birds ,chantin' some weird poem
Ticket agent starts to look nervous!

(chorus)

Saxophones are wailing on the airport P.A.
People checkin' stuff they couldn't carry
It may seem like Hell, but I'd have to say
You're lucky that they're not playing Barry!

(chorus)

Goose juggler - I think we have the other half of your cat. This one hits the target but scratches outside on the floor while standing in the box.

pogo - I was just thinking about the fiasco the TSA had at ATL yesterday! What a bunch of *counts to 100 very slowly*

Dave - sorry I'll miss you and Ridley at the Book Faire. Mad Scientist and Weasel will be there. We'll be camping, fishing, and horseback riding. But I do want you you to know it was a close election...

Kathy P - Having recently flown from Newark to Miami and back, I must say that Newark has NOTHING on MIAPCZ. And all I could think while in MIAPCZ was "Everything Dave ever said about this place was right."

fivver - Glad I wasn't tryin go get somewhere yesterday, espcially if it would have involved making connections elsewhere.

Normally Atlanta security is pretty quick compared to others.

But wouldn't the cat get funky feet from the ink of the newspaper? I just put my brother's pillow under the litter box. Cloth and foam are a lot more absorbant.

One nice model for the future newspaper thingy would be to have an RSS dynamic subscription based LCD screen. Then again, when the cat misses my brother's pillow it could end up being fried by the moisture.

Pogo -

I saw a relative of yours, yesterday, at the off/on ramp from I-29 to I-90 ... I don't think he wuz feelin' too good ...

I did not (not knot) know (not no) that your kinfolk lived this far north ... merely sayin' ...

I use our local paper, The Boston Herald to cover the floor under our cat's litter box.

Posted by: Juggler of Geese | 11:23 AM on April 20, 2006

SPJG - that is about all the Boston Herald is good for.

not myself,

DId your brother object to haveing his pillow used under the cat box? Did he notice a funky smell on it when he used it again? Just asking.

having not haveing. Glad Mr. English Man is not around.

Insom - I heard Arlo tell a story about that song this spring. He was in an airport recently, and a LARGE, SCARY security guy came up to him and said, "Are you...Guthrie?" Arlo: "And I said....yes??" And Security Man said, "Are you...bringing in a couple of G's?" and started laughing. :) Arlo is the best!

Dave,

Newspapers have largely given up. I mean, the fact is, by the time they bother to feed the tiny monkeys that painstakingly print the tiny letters on the thousands of pages that become the printed "news", some blogger has already distributed the information to 400 billion people.

Newspapers are now just for coupon delivery.

It doesn't help that Pulitzer Prize Winning Uber Celebrities such as Dave Barry announce that they have given birth to Brad Pitt's baby on the internet. There was a time when you'd have to wait for the Weekly World News or the Enquirer to hit the stands to learn such a thing.

That time is over.

U the O - If you are referring to the might opossum, there ain't many places they ain't. Contrary to Louden Wainright III, a road is not a road without a dead possum.

And fivver - news just in that the Atlanata airport fiasco yesterday was a test of security that got out of control.

Dave was quoted yesterday on CNN.COM for his writing about the "worst songs of all time".

My own personal pick? "Lovin' You" (Not ewe) from 1978. Complete with bird noises. It is a song worse than any terminal music.

At the risk of getting wadded up newspaper thrown at me, I kind of like print media. I mean, once the adverts fall out and I throw them away, they stay thrown away. They don't pop back up thirty seconds later and try to block the article I'm reading.

Technology is great, but I think there's still a market for newspaper and magazines. That is, as long as print publications don't sacrifice quality thereby surrendering themselves to online content.

Plus--you can't make an airplane out of a computer monitor.

How about Hold that F*ck*r in Abeyance by Booty and Them Others?

I never really liked that one as much as I enjoyed the name of the band its ownself ... merely sayin' ...

Yay, Lisa BFF! I agree - there will always be a place for newspapers, magazines, and ahem, books! They have to evolve to compete with instant Internet news, but the good ones will survive.

Besides, working crossword puzzles and the jumble on my monitor gets, well, messy.

Annie-you're right, the quality one's will survive.

fivver-I know just what ya mean!

Of course, the best "wurst" song ever hasta be the Oscar Mayer Wiener Song ... merely observin' ...

Speaking of airports, I'm from Oklahoma, and we have the only airport -- Will Rogers World Airport -- that is named after a person who was killed in an airplane crash.

PB and O.U, you have forced me to do THIS, and I don't want to hear any arguments.

Argue?

MOI?

I merely make casual observations about the world around us ... merely sayin' ...

Dave, are you going to South Bend today?

Warning: As a native Bender, don't mention day-light savings time and/or Ben Franklin and/or Governor Daniels. For some reason these backward Hoosiers can't stop complaining about how they now have to *gasp* set their clocks forward an hour like the rest of the country.

M.T. Blue;

I shuttle to think about any type of Spacey (Not Kevin?) music....

Island107 - And where's the wisdom in naming a brand of luggage after someone who disappeared while flying - Amelia Earhart? That's just sayin' "you'll never see your bags again."

LBFF said: Technology is great, but I think there's still a market for newspaper and magazines.

Especially when they say you can'tuse your approved electronic devices.

Mikey -- if you start your brother's pillow on a journey under the litter box early enough, he doesn't know the difference.

The paper thingy in a plastic bag didn't arrive before I left for work again today. Reading yesterday's events as news is bad enough. Reading day before yesterday's news as events doesn't improve my love for the genre.

I think I spend more on replacement papers at full price than I do on the daily subscription. I don't think newspapers can speed up their delivery at this point without breaking the laws of man and physics. Like a lot of life and logistics, it's the last 50 feet that take the longest.

daisy--true dat!

""A gentleman is someone who can play the sax, but doesn't." (W. C. Fields)"

Actually, that's a trombone joke...

But speaking as an actual saxophonist who plays jazz, I wish they'd come up with something besides the term "smooth jazz" to describe the dreck that Dave heard in the airport. It used to be called "New Age" until the pseudo-religious connotations started scaring off listeners, but it really has very little to do with jazz in any way. But I guess "Yuppie Hot Tub Wallpaper Music" wouldn't fit on the top of the bin in the CD store...

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