24

The entire nation remains in a state of shock tonight as we continue trying to absorb the astounding plot twist from the end of last week's episode, when we found out that the evil genius behind the fiendishly complex (in the sense that nobody understood it) Killer Kanister Konspiracy was none other than.... Edgar!

No, sorry, Edgar is still dead. The evil genius turned out to be none other than.... President Manilow! All this time we thought he was a total dipweed wiener loser, but in fact he's a total dipweed wiener genius mastermind! This shocking development raises many questions, including:

1. What the hell is going on?

2. Seriously, does anybody know?

3. Is that German agent going to come back? The one Jack got with the old exploding-memory-chip trick? (Har!)

4. What about Jack's hot new girlfriend?

5. They're not going to try to resurrect the China subplot from last season, are they?

6. They better not. We HATED that subplot.

Meanwhile CTU, whose employees have been valiantly trying to continue the fight against terrorism despite the fact that half of them were killed by nerve gas and the other half are moles, is now being overrun by Homeland Security bureaucrats who behave as if they all have prizewinning zucchini up their butts, which means we're supposed to hate them, which may mean that they're part of a shocking plot twist and we should actually like them.

Speaking of people who are not easy to stomach, Audrey -- who apparently slept with not only all the writers for this show, but also every employee of the Fox network above the rank of assistant custodian -- is STILL IN THE PLOT. She has formed an alliance with Chloe.

Speaking of Chloe: She had better not get Edgared, or this blog, for one, is going to take to the streets with the righteous wrath of a million undocumented immigrants.

Anyway we begin tonight's episode with a Duel to the Death shaping up: On one side, we have an Evil Dipweed Wiener Genius Mastermind who commands the mighty massive might of the U.S. government, including tanks, missiles, nuclear weapons, a virtually unlimited supply of manpower and -- most chilling of all -- the IRS. On the other side, virtually alone, we have Jack Bauer, armed with little more than his wits and a Cell Phone of Death, plus the fact that he just signed a $40 million contract for three more seasons. So if I was the president, I would be purchasing some thigh armor right about now.

That, in brief, is the situation as we begin tonight's episode. It's Jack Bauer vs. The Handbag-in-Chief, with just eight more nail-biting hours to go. Followed by at least three more nail-biting seasons. It's going to be a wild ride, so grab somebody you love and hang on tight.

UPDATE: Propel Fitness Water? What the hell is "fitness water?"

UPDATE: If they get a hotel room right now, they can watch themselves on TV!

UPDATE: Audrey's uploading to Jack's PDA? That's Chloe's job!

UPDATE: Dr. Jack.

UPDATE: Jack is off-grid.

UPDATE: Does the president carry around a creepy red light that he shines on his own face at all times? I thought so.

UPDATE: I'm glad I'm not the bank manager.

UPDATE: Why do they need guns? Do they think the BM has a perimeter?

UPDATE: Four neckties! That bastard!

UPDATE: William Devane is back! Yay!

UPDATE: Chloe is too smart for them. That is why we love Chloe.

UPDATE: That poor little girl: Her mom is hurt AND the music got really scary.

UPDATE: Aaron is about to make a move....

UPDATE: Aaron is going to keep his eyes open AND watch his back. Good plan.

UPDATE: LA is a very heavily forested city.

UPDATE: I think it'd be cool if, when Jack got inside, just for fun he applied for a mortgage.

UPDATE: Subpoena! Har.

UPDATE: Henderson is showing real promise as the heir to the Marwan role.

UPDATE: I think the Handbag's gonna get LUCKY 2-NITE.

UPDATE: This is like watching your parents do it.

UPDATE: Showdown at the bank....

UPDATE: She's heading for the Sepulveda Pass!

UPDATE: Don't you like hate it when a vector is locked out by a class one priority override?

UPDATE: The perimeter is secured AND they have a visual!

UPDATE: I frankly don't see how Jack is going to get out of this alive. Other than the three-year, $40 million contract, I mean.

UPDATE: Funky New Age music = trouble ahead.

UPDATE: Chloe's login name is.... CHLOE! Genius.

UPDATE: That IS James Bond music.

UPDATE: Chloe blows off the Homeland Creepster!

UPDATE: Firefight!

UPDATE: So much for the Bank Manager who decided to go with Jack.

UPDATE: Next week: shooting, helicopters. Also Secretary of Defense Devane confronts the Handbag. Which means maybe he gets whacked. Which means the plot would no longer need Audrey! I'm probably just dreaming, here.

Comments

[Chris]

Hasn't it been like 10 mins for the vault?

[the principal]

Oh wow...who could have guess it...a secure perimeter!

[spikesismydog]

i want more of the crazy hottie.

[Gretchen]

Check it out. Bad guys have perimeters, too!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Hey, Jack didn't sign out that safety deposit box!

[FleaBailey]

I think the Bank Prez is going down.

[JBismyhomeboy]

i guess this means the bankman is collateral

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Now the bank manager can be a witness.

[Momanon]

The Bank Manager knows too much! He's soooo gonna die!

[the principal]

A bank with one door only...I've never been in one with one door only...

[Sam G.]

Now Jack has an enthusiastic new sidekick!

[judi]

shoot, i got a phone call. what's happening?!

[Aubrey]

Kill the lights...

[Glow]

Can't he use the Magic Super Duper PDA to record this to Chloe so she can play it over and over through every satellite channel in the universe? Not plausible, huh? ;-P

[bizrey]

Three against one? Jack is insulted.

[wolfie]

Jacks trapped in the vault judi!

[slyeyes]

judi! You turn OFF the phones when 24 is on!

[Sarah J]

judi, that's what voice mail is for

[FleaBailey]

A diversion! Yay!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Good idea Glow!

[mnich]

anyone else up for some deux ex machinas?

[Betsy]

well duh! It helps cuz if they're shooting each other they aren't shooting us, genius.

[Varjak]

"I've got a plan! Let's get some LAPD killed just to provide cover for us!" "Sounds good to me!"

[Gretchen]

The bank manager asks too many questions. Must be shot. In the thigh. I like this - it's the answer to soooo many dilemmas!

[homeybeef]

Start a small war outside, that's how Jack Bauer takes care of problems

[the principal]

A diversion...LAPD vs US military.........wonder whos gonna win that fight! IF LAPD had only had those fancy satellites when they were after OJ..

[wolfie]

There's a perimeter and a class one satelite lockout and and and Chloe said Crap!

[KOW]

It's official. Jack makes Superman look like a wuss.

[Brad]

can 3 guys set up a perimeter?

[Chris]

Bank manager might as well be wearing a red shirt.

[Aubrey]

Jack and Eva together in a movie.

Is April 21st here yet?

[Sam G.]

David Breckemridge? Breckenridge?

[the principal]

Jack Beaur and President Liberal in the Sentinel....A must see! at the movies...

[spikesismydog]

this is gonna be great!!! hey jack gets hired by th SS....now hes gonna have to dress up!

[bizrey]

I really want some gatorade now ...

[Unrealious]

Who is that girl?

[Suzy Q]

Sure, get them to shoot at each other while you get away Jack. That'll work!

What else you got in that JackSack?

[mnich]

anyone else agitated by how the Sentinel ripped off Jack Bauer, and used Jack Bauer to make a movie NOT about Jack Bauer?

[justmy2]

Has anyone heard of a cell phone? Call CTU and play the recording Jack...

oh wait that would be too easy...

[Bex]

3 year contract? Flashbacks, baby.

(My father just commented that as I type, the look on my face is Chloe-esque. HAHAH, I rule!)

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Brad-three guys can only set up a triangle. But it might work. ;-)

[the principal]

Can I cross the gatorade rain and the burger commercial and have the gatorade rain girl my way?

[Glow]

This was a Savings and Loan, so of course it can only afford one door. And one alarm system. And no security cameras.

[daisymae]

Shoot judi, I've been watching and I don't know what's happening. It looks like they've called int he cops to create a diversion so they can escape Henderson robocop (who I think killed Evelyn and probably her kid, though I didn't see that).

[Suzy Q from Flank 2 Position]

I need more wine!!

[JBismyhomeboy]

the diversion will work...I've seen this before in the Lion King...

[slyeyes]

SuzyQ, try fainting. Works for me.

[daisymae]

snork @ Jbismyhomeboy (what a name)

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Final act of the night! Let's see what the cliffhanger is...wait for it...WAIT FOR IT...

[Chris]

they are still rocking the ace ventura music...

[daisymae]

Uh oh where's Chloe going?

[wolfie]

I want to have Chloes babies.
*sighs*

[Gretchen]

Ha! Suz - I have a half bottle. You can have some.

[Sam G.]

Chloe's doing her biology project on leaves.

Oh, that's LA.

[Suzy Q from Flank 2 Position]

*faint*

[slyeyes]

teee heee heee

[Glow]

Chloe is going to get caught! Chloe, get out of there!

[daisymae]

tracing hte corruption...uh oh they're on to chloe

[the principal]

Do all these super secret places like CTU have a super extra secret terminal where chloe can go not be monitored? Go figue? Chloe is flying a space shuttle in the perimiter of the satellite

[slyeyes]

*splashes wine on SuzyQ*

see?

[JBismyhomeboy]

lock him in!!!!

[judi]

man from U.N.C.L.E. music!

[Glow]

Is that some COOL CHLOE music there or not!

[Betsy]

Coooooool Cloe!!!

[daisymae]

The SERVER room...a room filled with servers.

He asks...'what were you doing.'

Atta girl, chloe, you tell him

[chris]

This guy sucks. Alot. He and the president would work well together.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

8...9...10...Come out wherever you are!

Creepy guy: "What were you doing?"

Chloe: "Heh, peeing on your satellite server..."

[justmy2]

Chloe learned from the best!!!!!!!!!!

[FleaBailey]

I think I heard this music before, in a spaghetti western.

[spikesismydog]

what? are you kidding? chloe is a gen x jane bond!

[the principal]

Chole rulz! Love the in hot persuit music! James Bond muzak! yea!

[the principal]

Chole rulz! Love the in hot persuit music! James Bond muzak! yea!

[bizrey]

HaHAhAHAhA!! Was that guy just sexually harassing Chloe?

[Aubrey]

Lock him in the vault.

[slyeyes]

Jeez, the least Jack could do is give the bank manager a protective hoodie.

[judi]

goober?

[daisymae]

Does anybody but me think the music is a little weird?

[Suzy Q from Flank 2 Position]

*Splurp* Thanks!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Oooh, break left. That's a first.

[Sarah J]

JB may be your homeboy, but Cecil is my homeboy

[the principal]

Just as Jack figured! LAPD vs US military.......Run Jack RUN!

[justmy2]

banker must have heard of Jack Bauer......

I'll take my chances with you !!!! YEEEEE HAW!!!!

[Glow]

Awww man, don't ever take your chances with Jack! You'll be killed before he is!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Wait, Jack's missing all the thighs!

[Sam G.]

No! Enthusiastic Bank Manager!
Hang in there, buddy.

[KEA]

i bet he got shot in the freaking thigh!

[Aubrey]

Just like Jack planned it....

You would think it was a script or something....

[Gretchen]

Bank manager DOWN!

[slyeyes]

Bank Manager down!!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Banker's down...whatta surprise!

Great move, Jack! Take down President Manilow next!

[Suzy Q from Flank 2 Position]

I think we've lost wolfie to the magnetic storm that is Chloe.

[bizrey]

Yeah, I knew the bank guy was going down, right when he said he wanted to come too :/

[Glow]

It's the old Get the Cops to shoot Homeland Security trick!

[daisymae]

Go Jack, Go Audrey, Go Sec Heller...GO, GO, GO!!

[Varjak]

Dead! No one saw that one coming. Right, Dave?

[the principal]

Jack has a police car now! Look out world!!!! Whats the secretary gonna do against the president? Has anyone thought of that?

[Momanon]

Called it! He's dead!

[justmy2]

If you are going to be on 24 one episode...

GET SHOT!!!

Immortalized...

and ends with a dammit!!!

Woo-hoo......

[Stormy Dragon]

When the heck did LAPD start driving indestructible bullet proof squad cars?

[Betsy]

YEEEE--HAW!!!