24

The entire nation remains in a state of shock tonight as we continue trying to absorb the astounding plot twist from the end of last week's episode, when we found out that the evil genius behind the fiendishly complex (in the sense that nobody understood it) Killer Kanister Konspiracy was none other than.... Edgar!

No, sorry, Edgar is still dead. The evil genius turned out to be none other than.... President Manilow! All this time we thought he was a total dipweed wiener loser, but in fact he's a total dipweed wiener genius mastermind! This shocking development raises many questions, including:

1. What the hell is going on?

2. Seriously, does anybody know?

3. Is that German agent going to come back? The one Jack got with the old exploding-memory-chip trick? (Har!)

4. What about Jack's hot new girlfriend?

5. They're not going to try to resurrect the China subplot from last season, are they?

6. They better not. We HATED that subplot.

Meanwhile CTU, whose employees have been valiantly trying to continue the fight against terrorism despite the fact that half of them were killed by nerve gas and the other half are moles, is now being overrun by Homeland Security bureaucrats who behave as if they all have prizewinning zucchini up their butts, which means we're supposed to hate them, which may mean that they're part of a shocking plot twist and we should actually like them.

Speaking of people who are not easy to stomach, Audrey -- who apparently slept with not only all the writers for this show, but also every employee of the Fox network above the rank of assistant custodian -- is STILL IN THE PLOT. She has formed an alliance with Chloe.

Speaking of Chloe: She had better not get Edgared, or this blog, for one, is going to take to the streets with the righteous wrath of a million undocumented immigrants.

Anyway we begin tonight's episode with a Duel to the Death shaping up: On one side, we have an Evil Dipweed Wiener Genius Mastermind who commands the mighty massive might of the U.S. government, including tanks, missiles, nuclear weapons, a virtually unlimited supply of manpower and -- most chilling of all -- the IRS. On the other side, virtually alone, we have Jack Bauer, armed with little more than his wits and a Cell Phone of Death, plus the fact that he just signed a $40 million contract for three more seasons. So if I was the president, I would be purchasing some thigh armor right about now.

That, in brief, is the situation as we begin tonight's episode. It's Jack Bauer vs. The Handbag-in-Chief, with just eight more nail-biting hours to go. Followed by at least three more nail-biting seasons. It's going to be a wild ride, so grab somebody you love and hang on tight.

UPDATE: Propel Fitness Water? What the hell is "fitness water?"

UPDATE: If they get a hotel room right now, they can watch themselves on TV!

UPDATE: Audrey's uploading to Jack's PDA? That's Chloe's job!

UPDATE: Dr. Jack.

UPDATE: Jack is off-grid.

UPDATE: Does the president carry around a creepy red light that he shines on his own face at all times? I thought so.

UPDATE: I'm glad I'm not the bank manager.

UPDATE: Why do they need guns? Do they think the BM has a perimeter?

UPDATE: Four neckties! That bastard!

UPDATE: William Devane is back! Yay!

UPDATE: Chloe is too smart for them. That is why we love Chloe.

UPDATE: That poor little girl: Her mom is hurt AND the music got really scary.

UPDATE: Aaron is about to make a move....

UPDATE: Aaron is going to keep his eyes open AND watch his back. Good plan.

UPDATE: LA is a very heavily forested city.

UPDATE: I think it'd be cool if, when Jack got inside, just for fun he applied for a mortgage.

UPDATE: Subpoena! Har.

UPDATE: Henderson is showing real promise as the heir to the Marwan role.

UPDATE: I think the Handbag's gonna get LUCKY 2-NITE.

UPDATE: This is like watching your parents do it.

UPDATE: Showdown at the bank....

UPDATE: She's heading for the Sepulveda Pass!

UPDATE: Don't you like hate it when a vector is locked out by a class one priority override?

UPDATE: The perimeter is secured AND they have a visual!

UPDATE: I frankly don't see how Jack is going to get out of this alive. Other than the three-year, $40 million contract, I mean.

UPDATE: Funky New Age music = trouble ahead.

UPDATE: Chloe's login name is.... CHLOE! Genius.

UPDATE: That IS James Bond music.

UPDATE: Chloe blows off the Homeland Creepster!

UPDATE: Firefight!

UPDATE: So much for the Bank Manager who decided to go with Jack.

UPDATE: Next week: shooting, helicopters. Also Secretary of Defense Devane confronts the Handbag. Which means maybe he gets whacked. Which means the plot would no longer need Audrey! I'm probably just dreaming, here.

Comments

[slyeyes]

*schlurp*

Thanks.

[KEA]

the poor girl.the result of the country's loss of humanity is going to be all her fault.

[AnotherBob]

Oooh! April Bonus Cash! What a deal!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

not Dave: Sorry, Mythbusters proved that was a myth. Talk away at the pump! Or in a movie theater! Or on a plane...PLEASE! We NEED you to do that!

[Brad]

did jack at least leave her a gun that her daughter can use to shoot Robocop? her daughter knows how to shoot guns, she goes to school in L.A.

[Suzy Q]

Press conference! LIES!!!!!!

[Aubrey]

A press conference in the middle of the night?

[Unrealious]

His nose is visibly longer

[slyeyes]

Her 6th outfit of the day!

[wolfie]

How did the reporters get there for the conference?

[Gretchen]

First Lady Cleavage fell for it. How embarrassing.

[Glow]

Oh that look from Madame Kanister! Oh my. She's thinking of the next 24 hours already.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Oh, wait, THAT'S how they're beating the roadblocks. They're driving WITHOUT HEADLIGHTS!

How'd I miss that?!

[jim]

whose sixth outfit?

[slyeyes]

Takes the jacksack before answering the phone!

[the principal]

Country Ribs won out i'm to have to read your post later.....that phone sounds just like mine!! Damn so many secure lines that no one monitors

[Unrealious]

Jack is missing and everyone knows his cell #

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Jack and Aaron and Wayne...I bet they will be making up 24's days 6, 7 and 8!

[slyeyes]

First Lady Cleavage's 6th outfit...and counting. Everyone else has been wearing the same.

[Glow]

Wayne is on point, very good. Let's follow Wayne!

[wolfie]

Hey! Redirecting satelites is Chloes job!!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Chloe should email a big "NEENER" to everyone.

[jim]

thank you...

[Suzy Q]

Chloe looks PISSSED!!

[Gretchen]

So, Jack is Batman. Does that make Aaron Robin or Alfred?

[Glow]

Now I know ow to rob a bank with the bank manager at night, bwahahahaha.

[Suzy Q]

Gretchen: Robin

Bank Manager is the current Alfred.

[Betsy]

1-2-3-5 is the code. Write that down.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Oh no, the bank vault has a spam robot!

[jim]

i always use the ATM...
they're so much more convienient than kidnapping a bank manager...

[KEA]

no time to say thanks for holding the door open..

[Suzy Q]

But that could change.

[Gretchen]

Tell him nothing. Shoot him in the thigh.

[Betsy]

Oh come on!!! tell me what's goin' on!!!

[slyeyes]

Kidnapping bank managers to rob banks has been on the rise.

[Suzy Q]

We laugh at your subpoena!

[Lane-o]

Why couldn't they just hole up at the hotel with Evelyn and kid until the bank opened. Good question Carl!

[Brad]

so carl - you might just be a target

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

She's in shock? We're all in shock!

[ASK]

wait for morning? the season would be over!

[wolfie]

rut ro

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Wayne: "They've tried to kill me twice tonight already..."

Banker: "Oh, I shouldn't have given you the code that calls the police then..."

[Glow]

Stupid little girl, now you know why you should have called Jack.

[bizrey]

Gah!! I wet my pants ;_;

[Aubrey]

My 14 year old guessed that one...

[homeybeef]

normal reaction to seeing robocop

[Gretchen]

This makes a day in jr. high school seem like a day at the beach, eh, kiddo?

[Suzy Q]

Evelyn and kid in deep shit now!

[Betsy]

In another 8 or 10 weeks, when the sun comes up in LA, will we see daylight? or is the whole frickin season photographed with infrared cameras?

[MaryContrary]

What the, Robocop shot the EMTs!! You bastard!!!

[Glow]

Why can't they do online banking?

[KOW]

He is so deliciously evil. Like Jack's evil twin. A few years in the future.

[Salamander]

I noticed something, jeopardizing the plot is more dangerous than jeopardizing OPSEC

[Suzy Q]

bizrey: You didn't use your handy JackSack Pull-Ups?

[Gretchen]

So - Evelyn - dead or alive?

[Brad]

they will do anything to avoid ATM & banking fees

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Dave: Oh, c'mon...he doesn't have that smirk that Marwan had. Marwan was fun. Especially when he shopped at Home Depot.

Henderson is too...robotic.

[Unrealious]

So they left The girls alone and kidnapped the bank manager because.....

.....they were afraid of all those satellites searching for Jack??

[Suzy Q]

Hasn't Evelyn already given everything of consequence up already? Do we really need her or her crying kid anymore?

[Glow]

Henderson sweats more.

[Betsy]

Oh god. Please not another tender moment between the Manilows.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

First cleavage is telling him how turned on she is.

[Varjak]

"More crisis today than any president inan entire term," except for Palmer two or three times.

[wolfie]

I see the meds of Mrs Ginormous Canisters have kicked in. Again.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

First Ramparts: "You were magnificent..."

Oh, jeez, COMMIT HER LIKE YOU WERE GOING TO EARLIER TODAY!

[Gretchen]

He MADE the crisis. Shoot him in the thigh!

[Suzy Q]

Weenie thinks he's gonna get some.

[Glow]

Oh Madame Kanister is now ready to give hubby some sexiness now. Magnificent Handbag!

[Betsy]

SPEW! PUKE!! ECK!!!!!!!!! Just get on with the carnage!!!

[slyeyes]

Please! No First Couple Monkey Lovin'!!!!!

[the principal]

Back....mmm great ribs......

[Unrealious]

The first handbag runs hot and cold

[Aubrey]

Oy vey!

Get a room....

[JBismyhomeboy]

i wonder when president manilow is going to sign a made for tv movie deal to portray the protein-based lifeform president....

[Suzy Q]

Yeah, what Betsy said.

[Lane-o]

How can she stand kissing him! He is so slimey!

[wolfie]

Evelyn is such a weenie.

[slyeyes]

Why can't I get a cellphone to ring that long before going into voice mail?

[the principal]

1st Cleavage is going to rip his balls out by the tiny itty bitty roots!

[Stormy Dragon]

"You have had to deal with more crises today than any president in an entire term"

Uh, didn't Palmer have to deal with more? You know, nuke in the desert and all that?

[Unrealious]

Now where were we?

[MaryContrary]

Enjoy the kiss, Prez Handbag. It's probably the last one you'll be getting . . .

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Oh that was just the milkman on the phone. I told him to bring cottage cheese.

[JBismyhomeboy]

what's with the Bond music?

[Glow]

Well, we know she forgave him for allowing the missiles to shoot at her and the Russian premier.

[Sarah J]

Dave! Please! No reminders of that awful occ.... uh, nevermind.

[Chris]

Digging the Ace Ventura music.

[Betsy]

oooh it's secret agent sexual harassment

[the principal]

Rains is going to meet daddy..what are they gonna do then?

[FleaBailey]

Don't know what it was, but something gave President Weenie away to First Cleavage. She's suspicious.

[Lane-o]

Satellites can find people real time!!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Vectors are locked out??! FORM A PERIMETER, NOW! FLANK TWO POSITIONS FOR ALL!

[Brad]

go chloe!

[Gretchen]

Crazy grrrrlls rule!!

[jim]

did she just say "crap"?

[the principal]

sexual harrassment girl to the rescue!

[KEA]

ohh how sweet.

[Unrealious]

Chloe's faces have layers

[slyeyes]

Chloe recognized Audrey's car from a satellite?

[Sam G.]

So what happened to Evelyn?