24

The entire nation remains in a state of shock tonight as we continue trying to absorb the astounding plot twist from the end of last week's episode, when we found out that the evil genius behind the fiendishly complex (in the sense that nobody understood it) Killer Kanister Konspiracy was none other than.... Edgar!

No, sorry, Edgar is still dead. The evil genius turned out to be none other than.... President Manilow! All this time we thought he was a total dipweed wiener loser, but in fact he's a total dipweed wiener genius mastermind! This shocking development raises many questions, including:

1. What the hell is going on?

2. Seriously, does anybody know?

3. Is that German agent going to come back? The one Jack got with the old exploding-memory-chip trick? (Har!)

4. What about Jack's hot new girlfriend?

5. They're not going to try to resurrect the China subplot from last season, are they?

6. They better not. We HATED that subplot.

Meanwhile CTU, whose employees have been valiantly trying to continue the fight against terrorism despite the fact that half of them were killed by nerve gas and the other half are moles, is now being overrun by Homeland Security bureaucrats who behave as if they all have prizewinning zucchini up their butts, which means we're supposed to hate them, which may mean that they're part of a shocking plot twist and we should actually like them.

Speaking of people who are not easy to stomach, Audrey -- who apparently slept with not only all the writers for this show, but also every employee of the Fox network above the rank of assistant custodian -- is STILL IN THE PLOT. She has formed an alliance with Chloe.

Speaking of Chloe: She had better not get Edgared, or this blog, for one, is going to take to the streets with the righteous wrath of a million undocumented immigrants.

Anyway we begin tonight's episode with a Duel to the Death shaping up: On one side, we have an Evil Dipweed Wiener Genius Mastermind who commands the mighty massive might of the U.S. government, including tanks, missiles, nuclear weapons, a virtually unlimited supply of manpower and -- most chilling of all -- the IRS. On the other side, virtually alone, we have Jack Bauer, armed with little more than his wits and a Cell Phone of Death, plus the fact that he just signed a $40 million contract for three more seasons. So if I was the president, I would be purchasing some thigh armor right about now.

That, in brief, is the situation as we begin tonight's episode. It's Jack Bauer vs. The Handbag-in-Chief, with just eight more nail-biting hours to go. Followed by at least three more nail-biting seasons. It's going to be a wild ride, so grab somebody you love and hang on tight.

UPDATE: Propel Fitness Water? What the hell is "fitness water?"

UPDATE: If they get a hotel room right now, they can watch themselves on TV!

UPDATE: Audrey's uploading to Jack's PDA? That's Chloe's job!

UPDATE: Dr. Jack.

UPDATE: Jack is off-grid.

UPDATE: Does the president carry around a creepy red light that he shines on his own face at all times? I thought so.

UPDATE: I'm glad I'm not the bank manager.

UPDATE: Why do they need guns? Do they think the BM has a perimeter?

UPDATE: Four neckties! That bastard!

UPDATE: William Devane is back! Yay!

UPDATE: Chloe is too smart for them. That is why we love Chloe.

UPDATE: That poor little girl: Her mom is hurt AND the music got really scary.

UPDATE: Aaron is about to make a move....

UPDATE: Aaron is going to keep his eyes open AND watch his back. Good plan.

UPDATE: LA is a very heavily forested city.

UPDATE: I think it'd be cool if, when Jack got inside, just for fun he applied for a mortgage.

UPDATE: Subpoena! Har.

UPDATE: Henderson is showing real promise as the heir to the Marwan role.

UPDATE: I think the Handbag's gonna get LUCKY 2-NITE.

UPDATE: This is like watching your parents do it.

UPDATE: Showdown at the bank....

UPDATE: She's heading for the Sepulveda Pass!

UPDATE: Don't you like hate it when a vector is locked out by a class one priority override?

UPDATE: The perimeter is secured AND they have a visual!

UPDATE: I frankly don't see how Jack is going to get out of this alive. Other than the three-year, $40 million contract, I mean.

UPDATE: Funky New Age music = trouble ahead.

UPDATE: Chloe's login name is.... CHLOE! Genius.

UPDATE: That IS James Bond music.

UPDATE: Chloe blows off the Homeland Creepster!

UPDATE: Firefight!

UPDATE: So much for the Bank Manager who decided to go with Jack.

UPDATE: Next week: shooting, helicopters. Also Secretary of Defense Devane confronts the Handbag. Which means maybe he gets whacked. Which means the plot would no longer need Audrey! I'm probably just dreaming, here.

Comments

[Aubrey]

Has there ever been a good cat fight on 24?

[AnotherBob]

She thinks they can "bring Jack in peacefully"? She obviously does not watch this show.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Yeah, you want to bring Jack in peacefully...less thighs get hurt that way.

[the principal]

"Everyone best intrest to bring jack in in peace".....you've got to be kidding me. Jack Bauer going in peace...I don't think so!

[slyeyes]

They said "transponder"

oooohhhhhh ahhhhhhhh

*lights up cigarette*

[Momanon]

Cool! That MI:3 trailer was Hi-def.

[Melissa]

Boy, 24's government is almost as corrupt as our own!

[daisymae]

It's mission impossible music.

[FleaBailey]

Wow, Tom Cruise just WISHES he were Jack Bauer.

[the principal]

I know officially hate karen more than Audry! Madeline Albright (aka karen) is just dispicable!

[Brad]

Mission Impossible 3 - Find a non-weinie Pres

[bizrey]

Wow those Scientology services look a lot more exciting than my boring Sundays at church.

[daisymae]

THey're tracking Audrey...that should be interesting. Will she lead them to Jack...won't she lead them to Jack? There are a million questions in the Naked City>

(oops, another great TV show)

[the principal]

Chloe needs to get the evil one to medicaly interrogate karen!

[FleaBailey]

No you fools! Marwan is at Home Depot, not Lowes! Jeeze.

[Brad]

Cat Fight? - Chloe ve Karen or Audrey vs Karen?

[Glow]

Sigh, why must they make Awwdrey the bait? Didn't they know Awwdrey is going home to wash her hair? Oh wait, her hair looks absolutely silkyalicious....

[slyeyes]

Brad, how about tag team?

[Betsy]

Right! Just tell him the truth! He'll let us in the bank!

[daisymae]

Chloe needs to medicate Karen.

[AnotherBob]

Silkyalicious WBAGNFARB

[the principal]

Doesn't audry have one of those killer pda's that beeps when you have a gps tracker on your tailpipe? Who does she work for anyways the Mexican intelligence agency?

[FleaBailey]

Aw. Jack just wants to shoot him in the thigh.

[Suzy Q]

Crap on a cracker! My computer got "disabled" by my evil cats! I missed 5 minutes! That like a lifetime on 24. *snigf*

[Sam G.]

I've got soda and some Reeses I stole from my brother.
I'm all set now.

Wait, why's Jack climbing over a wall? I'm lost again.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Y'know, me thinks this is the worst possible example of martial law I've ever seen. I have YET to see a car get pulled over ONCE that wasn't on the way to the "Presidential Weenie Retreat and Spa".

Oh, look, Jack doesn't like "bankers hours"...

[daisymae]

I officially hate this blog robot, who stopped me three times for one post!!!!!

[Glow]

Oh a magnetic alarm! Something I can deal with from my JackSack!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Jack's got all the tools.

Who are they?

[the principal]

Who the heck is Carl?

[bizrey]

Soooo, a magnetic alarm is useless?

[Aubrey]

Yes, a three way.

Chloe vs. Karen vs. Audrey

Meowwwww.....

[jim]

who are these people?

[Gretchen]

Whose house is this? Who are these people? WHAT IS GOING ON????!!!!???

[slyeyes]

I blinked and missed something. Who are they?

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Oh, the bank manager.

[Glow]

Shoot her thigh, shoot her thigh!

[FleaBailey]

Gracious, doesn't he recognize former Chief of Staff Wayne Palmer?

[Brad]

jak! aim for the thigh man

[the principal]

Ah Carl is the bank president! He's gota know the code!

[Betsy]

and THIS is an emergency, moth*r fuck*r

[slyeyes]

ahhhhhhhh. Of course Jack would know where the bank manager lives.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Jeez, even Jack seemed mean to ME when he pointed the gun at the banker's wife...

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Don't use the GOOD neckties!

[Glow]

Boy, bank managers just have magnetic alarms at their homes????

[the principal]

Alas we see the secretary!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

You're not going to believe it Dad.

[Adonis]

I'm sorry Suzy Q. If you want, I have a delicious receipe for stir-fry cat.

[wolfie]

Oh yes, let's just reroute planes. I seriously need more power in life.

[Betsy]

Thanks Audrey. the pilot never could have figured out where the closest airport is.

[Aubrey]

Re-route the plane.

There's gonna be a cat fight!

[slyeyes]

He squiggles with the mouse and knows he's an hour out from Van Nuys?

[Glow]

Daddy! Daddy! I need you, daddddy!

[Gretchen]

The Secretary of Defense is totally out of the loop. He actually asked if everything is OK. It most definitely is NOT.

And the plot gets ever more improbable...

[mnich]

I think it sucks Audrey's dad is the reason Audrey is still in this season....

[the principal]

Daddy is headed to vanyes. Won't president itty bitty balls find out? Keep it off the manifest....don't these government planes have GPS?

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Take a taxi Audry!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Flush the transponder!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Wow...Chloe and Audrey make a good team! Lookit that, werkin' the bugs out!

[slyeyes]

Ohm, those girls are smart!!!!

[Sam G.]

I've never seen paper towels like that at a gas pump before, but that's just me...

[Glow]

Okay, I am going to say the torture shocked some braincells into Audrey!

[the principal]

Ohhh a walkie! Ah she does have the special tracker detector! Chloe for President! Tape the tracker to a dogs ass!

[Suzy Q]

Adonis: I'm back. Will deal with them later. But thanks anyway.

What the hell is a magnetic alarm?

[Chris]

And gas stations are open even though no one is on the road?

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Is that a seven series beemer??

[FleaBailey]

I cam't stand it when Audrey is smart. It's just so unnatural.

[Aubrey]

She ditched the tracker....hooray for Chloe!

[slyeyes]

?! There's Marshall Law; but the gas stations are open?

[wolfie]

And the big white non military truck is filling up as well. For what? If it moves it's disobeying curfew.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

President Weenie has how many press conferences in one day??!?

Heh, the VP complaining about the Pres going over his head...

[bizrey]

Uh oh, is the Veep is going down now too?

[not Dave]

Seriously, cell phones should not be used at gas pumps, because a spark could cause an explosion.

[JBismyhomeboy]

I can't wait for Pres. Nixon's impeachment...and I bet the First Lady is going to divorce his buttocks...

[the principal]

The Veep.....he's got some balls.....take out the bb balls man! Commander in Chief of the USS Minnow

[Suzy Q]

Prez Handbag is asserting himself. Hmmmpf!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Manilow: "Good work Hal. You're fired."

[Betsy]

oooooooooooooh! Last time I checked, I was still commander in chief!!!

why don't you unzip and check again?

[Glow]

"It doesn't make any sense!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Everything doesn't make any sense, Vice Prez!

[Sam G.]

Go VP!
We need to find a new nickname for him, I think.

[Chris]

All of a sudden the President has huge balls.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Mommy's not looking so good!

[slyeyes]

oops.

*faint*

[Gretchen]

I hate when mommy bleeds on me.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

911

[Brad]

mommy down!

[Sam G.]

NOOOOO! Don't do it, little girl!

[the principal]

Don't call 911....no.....call jack...call jack................

[Suzy Q]

24 is no place for kids.

[Angie]

I just tuned in.

Who are these people???

[Aubrey]

Boy that was quick.

[Glow]

Oh Robocop is going to get Evelyn's other thigh now.

[Betsy]

OOh yeah! Help for Evelyn is ON the way!

[Chris]

That was quick! the 911 operator barely had time to acknowledge her name and RoboCop had it on his phone

[the principal]

damn...these 911 operators can't get anything right but they can call that far up that fast! I once called 911 and it took em 10 minutes to get me transferred to the right station! But not in this case

[slyeyes]

*sigh*

A fine time for a 911 operator to believe a kid.

[Suzy Q]

*splashes slyeyes again with wine, hits her mouth this time*

Girl, you fragile!

[FleaBailey]

So how come Wayne didn't stay with Evelyn? Or call Aaron? Or something? Everything's going to fall apart because no one helped Evelyn. Honestly, these people.

[Unrealious]

Oh nos Robo is going to get them.....

[Suzy Q]

Where's the damn thigh shootin'? Jack had a perfect target with Mrs. Bank Manager.