24

The entire nation remains in a state of shock tonight as we continue trying to absorb the astounding plot twist from the end of last week's episode, when we found out that the evil genius behind the fiendishly complex (in the sense that nobody understood it) Killer Kanister Konspiracy was none other than.... Edgar!

No, sorry, Edgar is still dead. The evil genius turned out to be none other than.... President Manilow! All this time we thought he was a total dipweed wiener loser, but in fact he's a total dipweed wiener genius mastermind! This shocking development raises many questions, including:

1. What the hell is going on?

2. Seriously, does anybody know?

3. Is that German agent going to come back? The one Jack got with the old exploding-memory-chip trick? (Har!)

4. What about Jack's hot new girlfriend?

5. They're not going to try to resurrect the China subplot from last season, are they?

6. They better not. We HATED that subplot.

Meanwhile CTU, whose employees have been valiantly trying to continue the fight against terrorism despite the fact that half of them were killed by nerve gas and the other half are moles, is now being overrun by Homeland Security bureaucrats who behave as if they all have prizewinning zucchini up their butts, which means we're supposed to hate them, which may mean that they're part of a shocking plot twist and we should actually like them.

Speaking of people who are not easy to stomach, Audrey -- who apparently slept with not only all the writers for this show, but also every employee of the Fox network above the rank of assistant custodian -- is STILL IN THE PLOT. She has formed an alliance with Chloe.

Speaking of Chloe: She had better not get Edgared, or this blog, for one, is going to take to the streets with the righteous wrath of a million undocumented immigrants.

Anyway we begin tonight's episode with a Duel to the Death shaping up: On one side, we have an Evil Dipweed Wiener Genius Mastermind who commands the mighty massive might of the U.S. government, including tanks, missiles, nuclear weapons, a virtually unlimited supply of manpower and -- most chilling of all -- the IRS. On the other side, virtually alone, we have Jack Bauer, armed with little more than his wits and a Cell Phone of Death, plus the fact that he just signed a $40 million contract for three more seasons. So if I was the president, I would be purchasing some thigh armor right about now.

That, in brief, is the situation as we begin tonight's episode. It's Jack Bauer vs. The Handbag-in-Chief, with just eight more nail-biting hours to go. Followed by at least three more nail-biting seasons. It's going to be a wild ride, so grab somebody you love and hang on tight.

UPDATE: Propel Fitness Water? What the hell is "fitness water?"

UPDATE: If they get a hotel room right now, they can watch themselves on TV!

UPDATE: Audrey's uploading to Jack's PDA? That's Chloe's job!

UPDATE: Dr. Jack.

UPDATE: Jack is off-grid.

UPDATE: Does the president carry around a creepy red light that he shines on his own face at all times? I thought so.

UPDATE: I'm glad I'm not the bank manager.

UPDATE: Why do they need guns? Do they think the BM has a perimeter?

UPDATE: Four neckties! That bastard!

UPDATE: William Devane is back! Yay!

UPDATE: Chloe is too smart for them. That is why we love Chloe.

UPDATE: That poor little girl: Her mom is hurt AND the music got really scary.

UPDATE: Aaron is about to make a move....

UPDATE: Aaron is going to keep his eyes open AND watch his back. Good plan.

UPDATE: LA is a very heavily forested city.

UPDATE: I think it'd be cool if, when Jack got inside, just for fun he applied for a mortgage.

UPDATE: Subpoena! Har.

UPDATE: Henderson is showing real promise as the heir to the Marwan role.

UPDATE: I think the Handbag's gonna get LUCKY 2-NITE.

UPDATE: This is like watching your parents do it.

UPDATE: Showdown at the bank....

UPDATE: She's heading for the Sepulveda Pass!

UPDATE: Don't you like hate it when a vector is locked out by a class one priority override?

UPDATE: The perimeter is secured AND they have a visual!

UPDATE: I frankly don't see how Jack is going to get out of this alive. Other than the three-year, $40 million contract, I mean.

UPDATE: Funky New Age music = trouble ahead.

UPDATE: Chloe's login name is.... CHLOE! Genius.

UPDATE: That IS James Bond music.

UPDATE: Chloe blows off the Homeland Creepster!

UPDATE: Firefight!

UPDATE: So much for the Bank Manager who decided to go with Jack.

UPDATE: Next week: shooting, helicopters. Also Secretary of Defense Devane confronts the Handbag. Which means maybe he gets whacked. Which means the plot would no longer need Audrey! I'm probably just dreaming, here.

Comments

[tropichunt.com guy™]

I couldn't be the first, could I, to NOT poke fun at Adonis and italics?

VOTE JACK IN 2008! He'll be with us until 2009 atleast!

[AnotherBob]

damn...

[the principal]

Jack could take care of all of the illegial aliens in the country in one episode with that killer pda of his.

[Suzy Q]

24 checklist:

Wine: check

Dinner: check (A very lovely homemade garlic lemon chicken with fresh green beans and scalloped potatoes) Yum.

Remote: Um....check

DSL: still check (I love it!!)

blogger friends: check

Glad to see you back, tropichuntguy. I missed your usual intro last week.

Bring it OOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!

[wolfie]

I think I'm developig a girlcrush on Chloe. If she reconfigures anything else tonight, I might ask her to marry me.

[Suzy Q]

Also, I have no idea what the hell is going on now with the 24. But, I still watch, transfixed, just like the rest of us!

When will Awdrey DIEEEEEEEEEEEEE??

[the principal]

Dang I hope my wife gets home in time for the start of 24. If she doesn't I won't have time to fix a plate of country ribs. Sacraficing country ribs for 24....a small price to pay!!! Hurry Honey Hurry!!!!!

[Bill Peschel]

"Speaking of people who are not easy to stomach, Audrey -- who apparently slept with not only all the writers for this show, but also every employee of the Fox network above the rank of assistant custodian -- is STILL IN THE PLOT."

Uh, Dave, you're confusing "24" with "American Idol."

One is fiction, the other is a show starring Kiefer Sutherland.

[Adonis]

I already did that wolfie. She just glared and singlehandedly ruined my credit. (But I think she likes me, 'cause the last guy that asked got sent to Gitmo)

[CJrun]

Ready.

[Suzy Q]

Oooo...wolfie: Can I preside at the wedding? Assuming, of course, that Chloe chooses you over ME!

[Betsy]

That link to the Heineken's has made me really depressed. NEXT week...I swear...I'll be ready.

[Suzy Q]

*lobs a six-pack to Betsy*

[Adonis]

Ick lieben grossen. Heineken tastes like a heiny.

[Bill Peschel]

If y'all have time, Lileks has an amusing anecdote about "24" on his site today:

http://www.lileks.com/bleats/

Scroll down to "THE SCOURING OF ST. BAUER"

[slyeyes]

I can't find the corkscrew!!!!!

How the heck am I gonna be able to open my wine?

*sob*

!

I still have teeth!

[Betsy]

Thanks and a big hug, Suzy! As for you, Adonis, why don't you lob me a six-pack of something YOU consider superior, and I'll run a comparison teset?

[the principal]

Corona - a great gift from the illegals! Heineken taste like horse piss!

[Aubrey]

15th

[wolfie]

I'll offer to upgrade her wardrobe, burn that sweater thingie, and I'd even let her play with my dsl.
If they let her play with weapons tonight I might disolve in a puddle of drool.

[AnotherBob]

16th

[Bill Peschel]

Guinness for me, except I'm at work and they'll want me to split a four-pak.

[Betsy]

...or possible a 'test'

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Suzy: I was in San Diego the week before last, and in NYC last week for Spamalot and David Gimour. I'm glad to be back!

[Suzy Q]

wolfie: I agree. That sweater must go. It is truly hideous.

slyeyes: save your teeth - try the samurai sword trick.

[Betsy]

...thguy...but you LOVED Spamalot, right???

[the principal]

Guiness - Now theres an immigrant Beer!!!!Arthur Guiness leased his brewerer for 1000 years because he was that confident. Thats kinda like 40 million for three more years...yeaaaaa!!!!

[slyeyes]

Tropicetc; wasn't Spamalot GREAT!!

[homeybeef]

screw peanut-butter jelly time, it's Jack Bauer time!

[Glow]

Three more years! Three more years! Jack Bauer three more years!!!

[Adonis]

Fine- this is good, and this is great. Learn it, live it, love it.

[Betsy]

viewer discretion advised!!!

[the principal]

Kill President Manalow...don't prove it...just kill the loser ...kill him now jack.!!!

[wolfie]

viewer discretion advised. Hot d*mn!

[Gretchen]

It's TIIIMMMMEEE!!!!

[slyeyes]

*spits out teeth*

Too late, SuzyQ. Maybe next week if I don't find it in time.

oooo, it's starting!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!

JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!

FEATURING JACKSACK™!

[Suzy Q]

Cool! Violence warning!

[judi]

graphic violence! incoming!

[Brad]

time to set my perimeter!

[CJrun]

I know Jack never needs to sleep, but doesn't the cellphone of death ever need charging?

[wolfie]

Dave ~ fitness water.. it gives your wallet a workout and makes it thinner.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Spamalot was fanstastic! It was David Hyde Pierce and Hank Azaria's last performance, too...which was really neat to see!

And David Gilmour was fanstastic! If Jack ever stabs HIM in the thigh...I will personally take Jack out!

[homeybeef]

what could the random plot generator have in store for us tonight?

[qetzal]

No Heineken, but I do have a nice icy cold Pete's Wicked Strawberry Blonde in a frozen mug, so I'm good. (As long as Pete doesn't catch us.)

[Brad]

Jack takes his network and power sub-station with him where ever he goes

[the principal]

Cell phone of death has a cold fusion batter.....

[wolfie]

They never count on Jack showing up. Don't they watch this show?

[Adonis]

No CJrun, no way. It could never become the Cellphone of Death™ otherwise.

[ZP]

Chloe needed that extra satellite, she could have set up a larger perimeter and gotten Henderson.

Ah well, the synopsis so far. Enjoy!

[the principal]

can jack interrogate a dying woman?

[Glow]

Home is where the thigh is, little girl.

[Gretchen]

"Can you get us a room?" What kind of a plot twist are they going for NOW?????

[slyeyes]

Waht with the linking? we don't have time to click on links right now. It's Bauer Hour!!

[Sam G.]

Jack has Wayne, Evelyn, and a little girl on his side.
The president has no chance.

[the principal]

Oh crap hes calling audry..........the wicked queen...this won't lead to anything good!!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Lessee, Jack wasn't sure about Audrey and ALMOST took her out...and now President Manilow is suspected. I wonder if we'll get a similar torture scene with the two of them...now THAT would be good watchin'!

[Varjak]

"Jack's PDA" WBAGNFARB.

[Aubrey]

Awdrey is involved in 'dis mess....

[Suzy Q]

Is there anything that Awdrey just told Jack that he doesn't ALREADY KNOW??!

[Glow]

How did this woman get to record a conversation between the Prez and Henderson? Did she have the Magic Recorder working from the Kanister's private rooms????

[wolfie]

Isn't uploading things a Chloe job?
Understatement of the year.. Right now we can't trust anyone.

[slyeyes]

Exactly what is the memory capacity of Jack's PDA?

[Brad]

Audrey's Daddy warmonger is being called in to help!

[the principal]

Call daddy....call daddy audry.........this can't be good!

[Aubrey]

They shot Evelyn in the thigh!

[Glow]

I have a suspicion that Awwdrey slept with Prez handbag....

[Betsy]

So first I'll do a little trauma surgery, and then I'll get you to a hospital "as soon as I can"?????

When, like Season 9???

[Suzy Q]

Evelyn's moaning really well. Hmmm....

[Gretchen]

Noone has more experience with dressing thigh wounds than Jack. She's in excellent hands.

[slyeyes]

oooh, blood.

*faint*

[the principal]

oh shes bleeding out and he peels open the wound and leaves it for "sweetheart" to see

[Suzy Q]

Glow: ewwww

[Sam G.]

Monitoring hospitals? Sounds like last season.

[Brad]

Recordings! just like Nixon. He even looks like Nixon

[wolfie]

It's just a flesh wound for goodness sake. Jack gets tazered. Twice. And he didn't moan and whine this much. sheesh.

[Betsy]

Oh jeez. He's STILL a weenie.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

"This whole thing was planned to make our country safer, stronger..."

Heh, why does Manilow seem like he has bigger cajones NOW...no one changes that much in one day...

[slyeyes]

"It was all supposed to make us safer"...... that sounds oddly familiar.

[Suzy Q]

splashes wine on slyeyes: Wake UP, girl!

[FleaBailey]

So, everything went wrong did it? He really IS a weenie.

[the principal]

president bb balls is now blameing someone else...suprise suprise....will some one just make him a unich and get it over with

[wolfie]

Ooooo off grid. The anti-perimeter.

[the principal]

Whats Karen made of? Does she have big balls jello gigglers?

[Betsy]

Oooooh...Pres. Weenie is ordering the arrest of Jack Bauer!!!! Start quaking, Jack!

[Gretchen]

As if no one has ever issued a warrant for Jack Bauer before. You'll never catch him, you BIG HANDBAG!!!

[jim]

i've de-re-instated him, right after I re-instated him...

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Karen is suspicious. Good.

[Brad]

Put out an alert for Jack Bauer and Judge Crater too

[daisymae]

Whatever happened to First Lady Giant Ramparts?

(sorry I'm late)

[slyeyes]

*wipes wine out of her eyes*

Thanks. I think.

[the principal]

To obey or not to obey that is the question!

[Aubrey]

It's starting!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

The logs, it's always in the logs!

[the principal]

Chloe knows now.............president microscopic balls is for sure dead now!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Wow...people have FINALLY cracked the Jack Code of Honor: You want to find Jack, you find out who he works with...

Takes 'em what...five seasons to figure that out?

[wolfie]

Yes a legal obligation. Because CTU is all about the legal side of things.

[Betsy]

Have a good night!

Ciao!

[Varjak]

"Bring Jack in peacefully"?! BWA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!!

[daisymae]

Uh oh...they will stop at nothing to bring in Jack.