THE ACADEMY AWARDS

I didn't see any of the movies nominated for Best Picture. This is because I'm the parent of a 6-year-old, which means I see only those movies where the plot involves cute but lovable animals who talk in the voices of famous celebrities, one of whom, by law, must be Whoopi Goldberg. So I have no opinion about who should win any of the awards. But I'll watch anyway, because (a) it is everyone's patriotic duty to watch, and (b) I feel a connection to the Oscars, having written an estimated .0000017 percent (by volume) of Steve Martin's monologue when he hosted the show a couple of years ago (my account of that experience is here and here). I'm hoping for a snappy, fast-paced broadcast finishing no later than dawn Eastern Time.

UPDATE: Everybody is very excited.

UPDATE: Tim Burton's hair was apparently styled by rabid squirrels.

UPDATE: In case you're wondering -- and I know you are -- I'm wearing a University of Miami shirt in green and orange. The stains? They are by spaghetti.

UPDATE: I can't believe this. Not only did I not win Best Supporting Actor, but apparently I wasn't even nominated.

UPDATED: That Ben Stiller suit? I have that.

UPDATE: If you wear giant matching bow ties to accept the award, they should take the award away.

UPDATE: Do we think Dolly Parton lost a little too much weight?

UPDATE: If I don't win Live Action Short this thing is rigged.

UPDATE: Man, they start playing the get-off-the-stage music the instant the winners get on the stage. Maybe they should just have the presenters heave the statuettes into the audience.

UPDATE: I think we've reached the part of the show where you can go out for a while, maybe play a round of golf, and not miss anything.

UPDATE: The makeup guy just thanked the entire LA telephone directory.

UPDATE: Women have to pull the coveralls all the way down?

UPDATE: Lauren Bacall should just put on her glasses.

UPDATE: So they had about 57 feet of material left over, so they just bunched it up it on Charlize's shoulder, clearly intending to cut it off before she went onstage, but then...

UPDATE: March of the Penguins! A movie I actually saw! Yay.

UPDATE: Regarding the careerbuilder.com commercial: I don't know about you, but if I worked with dozens of monkeys, I would NOT want to change jobs.

UPDATE: Keanu and Sandra sure are excited to be giving out Best Art (snooorre) Direction.

UPDATE: No matter what he is actually talking about, Samuel L. Jackson always looks like he is just about to kick somebody's ass.

UPDATE: NOW is when we need the get-off-the-stage music.

UPDATE: This guy fails to mention that when you share the movie experience with total strangers, you also have to listen to their cell phones ring.

UPDATE: They should have Salma present all the awards.

UPDATE: She could also do the commercials.

UPDATE: Although she is nowhere near as hot as my wife.

UPDATE: They are setting some kind of world indoor record for most montages.

UPDATE: This attractive couple is really into sound mixing. You can just tell.

UPDATE: Aww. The sound mixers are thanking their moms.

UPDATE: Hey! A montage!

UPDATE: Terrific speech by Robert Altman. For real.

UPDATE: At least it's not a hip-hop montage.

UPDATE: Did they bleep the hip-hop guys?

UPDATE: I like the fake attack ads. And I think Jon Stewart's doing a good job.

UPDATE: Those sound guys really looked like sound guys.

UPDATE: I think a deceased-person montage is coming up.

UPDATE: We're supposed to go to Tsotsi.com. Maybe there's a montage.

UPDATE: Another mom-thanking! Yay for moms.

UPDATE: American Inventor? American Inventor?

UPDATE: 30 years after Grease, and my wife still has a crush on John Travolta.

UPDATE: I can't believe I didn't get Best Actress.

UPDATE: I have nothing at this time.

UPDATE: He thanked everybody in China. That has to be a record.

UPDATE: Crash. Whoa. OK, then. Good night, all. Happy montages.

Comments

[Betsy]

It's been a pleasure, as always. But now we all have to get our rest so that we can be ready for tomorrow night. (Lordy, the burden we shoulder for humanity!)

[scat]

Does anybody else think the orchestra keeps starting to play "O Canada"?

[Christobol]

Alfred - I only know the one form of Kung Fu, where you can do a flying headlock kick from over 60 feet.

Excellent suggestion on the shiny fork mystery weapon.

Night y'all!

[southerngirl]

You people are freakin' crazy. I am never gonna leave here.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

bbescuela: Okay, I went back and re-watched it...and he definately did mouth that to someone...he didn't look happy when he said either. Wow!

[Lairbo]

Good night, and good luck. I just hope C-bol is noting everyone's name so he can thank us all when he wins for Best Screenplay Adapted from Blog Comments.

Me, I gotta see a dog about a walk.

[Tramp]

Cbol, throw in a rabid squirrel and I smell Oscar.

[scat]

trop, my daughter and I agree. Mysterious.

[slyeyes]

I rewound and Tom did make the "f" sound, but couldn't tell what exactly he said.

[ben]

I gave TV up for Lent. You are cracking me up. Sorry I didn't have the time to read 385 comments in front of me.

[ted]

i had this wierd imagery...If I was -- and I know this is a big wishful never in this lifetime kinda thing -- but work with me here. If i was involved with Ms. Hayek, i would leave dishes out, and periodically leave newspapers all over the place, just so she can chew me out in that accent. Grrrrrrrrrr...

I actually have seen Crash.

[slyeyes]

GOOD NIGHT!!

[bbescuela]

Dave, can you use your Hollywood connections to find out what Tom Hanks was so cranky about?

[Lairbo]

Tramp: Oscars smell like rabid squirrels? Who knew?

[Eleanor]

Dave, I still have a crush on John Travolta too.

AND neener! to everyone east of CA - it's only 8:30-ish here!

GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK!

I loved it when Jack said that and started to walk off - he is the coolest of the cool! :)

[scat]

Gee, it must be time to go. Thank you all for your great, funny comments. Thanks for putting up with mine, which may not have been great or funny, but I had fun. Thank you, everyone in China.

[Alfred]

I get best choreographed Penguins fight scene.

I think with how how New Zealand was thanked that one time. China could be covered.

I wish to thank the good people of Germany and Argentina. Of whome I would never have as much angst to make such a script. Thank you.

[Alfred]

If any of you are awake. I realize its like 3 in the morning to you. But its like 8:42 PM to me.
What should I write when I am asked this question.

What sets you apart from other applicants, based on unique educational or life experiences, personal or family circumstances, obstacles overcome and/or achievements?

It is for College. I feel all guilty inside because I have done nothing interesting.

[Adonis]

sgirl- Yay!!!

C'bol- Sounds like a winning scenario, and you need to have TONS of things exploding. Hey, maybe they could be in a landmine, thereby allowing you to blow things up whenever you want!

Al- I fell in love with M-theory when I read both of Brian Greene's books. Some was over my head, and the reason why I'll probably never have my own paper on eleventh-dimensional gravity leakage, but overall I was hooked. I can't wait to see an article about your theory in Scientific American.

[Alfred]

Adonis- If you understand M-Theory you obviosly don't know enough about it.

[bbescuela]

Alfred, I would suggest saying:

"A variety of experimental and theoretical studies predict that extremely electron deficient porphyrins will find particular utility in the development of catalysts for the activation of small molecules. I have recently synthesized a series of novel porphyrin macrocycles that are highly substituted with perfluorocarbon moieties. These unusual macrocyclic ligands impart exceptional electronic characteristics to the porphyrin central metal ion; such metalloporphyrin systems may serve as a platform for the development of Co, Fe, and Mn catalysts that mimic cytochrome P450's ability to utilize dioxygen for the selective oxidation of hydrocarbons."

That'll set you apart, as long as they don't ask you to explain it.

[Adonis]

Alfred, tell them that both of your parents, and now you are struggling with an environmentally-induced addiction to hydric acid. In fact, at this moment, if you stopped ingesting hydric acid, you would in fact die. That would get them. Oh, and hydric acid is water.

bb, my chemistry isn't the best, but is that a description of a fuel additive?

[bbescuela]

I have no idea. It's from a friend who's a chem professor. I think it has something to do with solar energy. Or maybe it's the formula for Robitussin. I forget.

[Annie Where-but-here]

Alfred - you're kidding, right? Honestly, every time I surf this blog and I see your name, I know you're going to have a different, quirky AND valuable opinion on the topic. You have what I like to call a 'curve-ball' perspective. In the zone, but coming from a different, refreshing angle. I just assumed you were raised by wombats or something. Didn't you go on a journey or expedition or to the mall, or did I just dream that? Hope this helps! :)

Blog Babes - help! I'm having a terrible time choosing between George Clooney, Jon Stewart, and Derek Jeeter. George lives right nearby in the Valley, so he's convenient, but Jon is so hot right now and he's got that funny/smart thing that I just love, and Derek's sooo sweet but too busy for me with the season starting....

[Adonis]

Thanks for the M-theory pat on the back Alfred. I love that not even Witten knows what the M in M-theory means. Totally bad a$$. Hope you find your what-am-I-worth answer. Night.

[Ling]

Thanks Dave for the frequent updates, you added a whole new level to Oscar jokes.

[Alfred]

BB- You want me to put Oxygen in electrified water?

I almost wrote this.

I am a nerd. This means I do some very amazing things while being very dull. For instance the other day I was speaking with humourist Dave Barry about the Art of Les Parkour or Free Running. He had never heard of it and I dabble in it. I can run 5 steps across a wall now. Yet I was explaining this to him while playing a videogame. I go and talk about M-Theory which is super advanced physics. Yet most people who hear it would drop dead.
In fact at one point in highschool my friends put some 'stuff' into my food to see what I would do High. I happen to be Mormon so I don't do any of that stuff. The discovery was that I acted the same. Which caused reason to pause for many a friend.
I am considered intelligent and witty -even pithy- by some great people. But in the end I am just an ordinary person with fantasies of building his own giant robot and taking on China. And if I have time Korea.
Well thank you and it is back to the proton accelerator for me. I have some time for Sudo Ku. Yes!

[U.O]

We lost the signal (too much snow up here, apparently) for 'net connection an hour or so ago ... it'll take me too long to chase tomatoes, so I'll see y'all tomorrow ...

This is the comment (below) that I was about to post when the signal was lost ... @ approximatley #250? or so ??? -- just before the "Song" Oscar™ was presented ... (Song? I don't think so, Tim ...)

Zip-a-de-do-dah
Zip-a-de-ay,
My, oh my, what a wonderful day

... is way better, IMHO ... after all, it DID win the Oscar™ ... back when there wuz music ...

[Wavey]

Whoa...this thread is longer than any awards show in recent memory...and a whole lot more surreal. Congrats!

[southerngirl]

Posted by: Annie Where-but-here | 12:02 AM on March 6, 2006

oh, go back and read it yourself... :)

Alfred, you don't have to decide what to include in your answer, you have to decide what to leave out - you rock!

Annie, my vote is for George - he's always been hot, and the older he gets, the better he gets!!

[Novanlgus]

How did Dave miss the It's hard to be a Pimp song?
Too much Selma?

What a night, Dolly was sharing botox with Joan Rivers, and is the rib on e-bay?

Jon was good, especially at the beginning,
Clooney worked the room like he was working women at a bar, but he kept saying the same line over and over again during the E walkup,...I wanted to slap him....like you use to do a record when it skipped.

Best title...Squid and the Whale, Best Director of the night..Speilburg when he said to Spiller "no, you're not funny."0000... Best Boob job next to Dolly...Selma (much bigger...good job) Best girdle..John Travolta's, Best loser...Reese..oh wait..she won. Best dress...the blue one..best trip and rescue...the woman who tripped and said she did her own stunts.(who was she?) Lauren Bacall was maybe just too tipsy...

Best moment...when the President was BEGGING AMERICA TO COME BACK TO THE MOVIES!! Begging..begging..

Best movie and only one I saw...Kong.

And now, I will always wonder, if Richard Pryor had been host tonight, just what HE would have said when "It's hard to be a pimp" won best song of the year. Does anyone know if he ever did the Oscars? I will miss him....Dave, you should have been there.

[Alfred]

This is what I sent. And Annie I served a mission. By shere coincidence I am applying to BYU. They have my majors and few other colleges do.

The reason why I am applying to your college is pretty impressive really. My major is to be a computer model physicist and use this for film and videogames as well as Science. They are the same programs that run together, then why doesn’t someone just use the same computer to do all three. This will mean that a scene in a movie and a scene in a videogame will be alike. In fact I would love to make a movie using a real time computer set up. Let the audience enjoy the movie while the computer creates it right there. The Demo Scene has been doing similar things for years but very few have noticed it. Supposedly the Playstation 2 is more powerful then all of the computers in Lucasarts when Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was created.
A major of this kind would involve a Film degree, a degree in Physics, and a degree in Computer Science. I have looked and very few colleges have credentials in all three. Plus you have an amazing linguistics program I would like to try out. My mission involved refugees from different countries. I have a goal to visit these countries and see all the places they told me about. The program might help me with this goal.
I have some big goals for my life and there are very few colleges out there to help me. I can not honestly think of a college with the ability to educate me more. I might be an odd person. I have gotten used to the idea that I am the exception not the rule for a lot of stuff. How many people do you know who train to run across a wall? In the end I am a nerd with a dream.

[Betsy]

Alfred..."As much as I would like to claim unusual origins, interests or achievements, I regret to say that I am probably typical of most transgendered sons of a mixed Mormon/scientologist marriage, raised in a national wildlife refuge, speaking the Language of the Wolftribe. I have undertaken some basic experiments in Flow, which have led me to postulate the existence of an "anti-Flow" or "Clog" state, but have yet to completely work out the mathematical formulation which would render it applicable to the process of deriving clean energy from nonbiodegradable refuse. I recently used this frustration as inspiration for my off-Broadway mixed media opera/paintball opus "frenzy", which has been adapted by PBS as a 21-episode series starring Stephen Hawkings and Salma Hayek.
In my spare time, I enjoy reading to sensorily-challenged invertebrates and teaching rap-cello to the elderly, to whom I relate strongly because of my own severe agorapobia and polydactyly.
I am looking forward to pursuing my studies at [name of University], especially because my grandfather, Warren Buffet, speaks so highly of it.

[Alfred]

Mormon/Scientology combo eh? What are they looking for in the wildlife refuge? Perhaps the pod of the first Mormon. It holds one man and 5 women. Held in Jellotanous hold.

How did you know about my opus/Paintball show?

Its like you know my past...

[U.O]

Scientific Mormonology?

I studied that for a couple of years in college, but changed majors ...

[Mr. Completely]

Jack Nicholson is cooler than Buddha.

The Montage to the Deceased was about the Hollywood-types who passed on in 2005 - Don Knotts, Dennis Weaver, et al, died THIS year, so they'll have to wait 'til next year's awards to be remembered for a moment, with a smattering of lukewarm applause from a roomful of bored jaded Hollywood-types.

And DANG, Dolly looks WAY too thin - not just her mid-section - look at her thighs - no meat AT ALL.

[Alfred]

Buddha looks better in Shades. Trust me.

Im going to bed.

[Hanna]

Hey, it's late. We took Dave's advice, without meaning to, of course, and did something meaninful--took ourselves and the kids to the beach for the day.

Daffydills are starting to bloom at the beach and nearby, the forest is waking up after a long soggy winter, and the northern Oregon coast is always beautiful and different no matter how many times one visits. We are worn out and refreshed all at the same time.

Will catch up on the snorks tomorrow. I browsed through and saw you were all in good form. Except, I have never in my life had fingernails embedded in my back, so I have no clue what that was all about!

[Annie Where-but-here]

Alfred - good edits - I liked your first version but you were wise to tone it down for your app - know thy audience and all that. Nobody every made it big being normal. so your 'odds' look pretty good!

Sly - I'm leaning towards Clooney myself....literally. He'll be mine just as soon as I find my voodoo doll.

a few comments -
Dolly - I'm glad you're a confident, talented woman, but for all the easily-influenced young girls out there, please stop with the rampart to waist ratio! You're defying the laws of physics. Even Barbie is embarassed for you.

Charlize - the best way to keep guys from staring at your ramparts is to build a nest on your shoulder?! I kept waiting for either a chihuahua or Punxatawney Phil to pop out of there.

Clooney - George told me he gets tired of the same old questions from reporters, so to get them to quit asking him stuff, he gives the same boring answer over and over again. When they start asking decent questions, he'll start offering interesting answers. At least that's what I think he told me - I was kinda busy staring into his gorgeous eyes.

"Crash" is what Kiefer will be doing Monday morning...just not sure where yet. My bet is on the IHOP in Burbank.

[Dr. Doug]

"Posted by Dave on March 5, 2006 at 07:05 PM | Permalink"

What time zone is this blog-system on? Hawaii time?

[U.O]

Atlantic.

[Kafaleni]

EST Doug.. or last time we checked. Sometimes it's just on Blog Clock Time.

The posted updates don't change the original time of the blog post.

Meanwhile I'm FINALLY watching the Oscars. I got to chat online with people watching them live, so the ending has kinda been given away, and I've only got about 2 hours to go.

It's even worse (or better, depending on how look at it) than reported.

[slyeyes]

I don't think Stewart did a bad job. He didn't do a GREAT job, but was OK. As far as the slow pace of the show, that's the Oscars. I don't recall those 3.5+ hours EVER zipping by.

I used to try to watch every movie that was nominated, but gave up in recent years. When I see a movie, I like to be entertained. I already have well developed social consciousness, I don't need to see a movie to activate it and make me depressed. I also don't think a beautiful woman taking on a movie part that makes her look less attractive means she should receive a nomination.

I like Reese Witherspoon, but her out-performing Dame Judith Denstch? In what universe? OK, that statement would carry more weight if I'd actually seen either movie, but still....

Charlize Theron and Queen Latifah wore the same dress; that stuff on Charlize's shoulder was the extra material.

Just from the clips shown, I think David Srathairn (sp??) should have won for Good Night and Good Luck. But then, Capote has always annoyed me, so my perspective on that is skewed.

Annie, it was southerngirl who voted for Clooney up there, not me. BUT, that is my choice as well.

[queensbee]

well, i didnt watch most of it. award shows are reeeeeeely boring.... but i did see wallace & gromit so i'm glad they won, but the bow ties were stupid. and jon stewart, from what i saw, was totally boring. he should stay with the daily show. i guess he didnt want to shake anything up. he shook me into a stupor. i decided that cspan was more exciting.

[Bruce Ryerson]

Dave, I think you need a few more comments on this post so here...I fell asleep...Jon Stewart is a really funny guy...So are you...love and peace, sometimes, B.

[puppytoes]

is it over? did wedding crashers win?

[KDFgirl]

Annie, this is a perfectly impossible conundrum. I simply cannot pick one.

[KDFgirl]

But while you girls sort through the whole Clooney/Stewart/Jeter debate, I'll get lost with this guy. Speaking of hawt.

[CoastRaven]

*wanders in (sobor now) & looks around*
*picks up a cheese doodle from the floor*
*decides against it, and throws it out*

[CoastRaven]

(sober even and still kant spell)

[1950's Mom]

COASTRAVEN, did I see you throwing away food. You know that there are starving people in China who would love to have a stale cheesedoodle from the floor. Also, finish your Oatmeal, it is good for you, and put on a hat, it is cold out. Also, what in the world is that smell, have you been drinking the devil's own Liquor! Shame, Shame!

[Jeff Meyerson]

UPDATE: They should have Salma present all the awards.

UPDATE: She could also do the commercials.

See, Eleanor, Dave knows!

Way to go, sly! Dave agrees too.

OH MY GOD, I thought "I'm Easy" was the worst song ever to be nominated for an Oscar.

Scat: me too! Of course, there was (geezer alert!) Isaac Hayes singing "Shaft" wearing chains rather than a shirt.

And that was one of Jon's few "Jon" funny moments: saying it just got a little easier to be a pimp.

Anybody else remember Steve McQueen's acceptance speech?

Huh? Acceptance speech for what, Lairbo?

Hey! Tom Hanks got a haircut since the beginning of the show.

Exactly, sly! And didn't he look much better after he did?

Jon was obviously ill at ease, especially at the beginning. Instead of being himself he tried to do "generic Oscar host" and was lame. Later on he seemed to relax a little and got a few good lines (like the pimp thing). Overall, he was no Johnny Carson... or even Billy Crystal.

Sly, I DID see both movies (and Transamerica) and totally agree: Judi Dench had my vote (though Reese did a nice job).

[puppytoes]

yeah, but what abo... oh forget it.

[Lardog88]

*Steps in the room*

Did I miss something?

*Echo bounces back*
*Exits the room*

[Eleanor]

*zips in and looks around*

What a mess!! Empty M&M wrappers all over the floor, cigarette butts, empty JD bottles, empty Miller lite bottles (WTF?), empty cans of Diet Coke - don't you guys clean up after a party?

*zips out to get Hefty trash bags - about 30 of them*

[CoastRaven]

Yes Mother!!

[runninutes]

If anyone's still dropping by, I have to recommend a site called "The Editing Room." It's a collection of very funny satirical script re-writes. Dave's comment on Samuel L. Jackson reminded me of it, because the Editing Room author always credits him as "Samuel L. Mother-(bad word)ing Jackson."

http://www.the-editing-room.com/

[Betsi]

Did anyone else see the Thandie Newton lookalike get groped during the reenactments in the background of the "Crash" song? That was so disturbing. In the context of the movie, that was one thing, but who in their right mind thought anyone would want to see that again? Totally inappropriate.
I have a pic of Steven Spielberg in his limo from last night if anybody wants to see ;-) betis.multiply.com