THE ACADEMY AWARDS

I didn't see any of the movies nominated for Best Picture. This is because I'm the parent of a 6-year-old, which means I see only those movies where the plot involves cute but lovable animals who talk in the voices of famous celebrities, one of whom, by law, must be Whoopi Goldberg. So I have no opinion about who should win any of the awards. But I'll watch anyway, because (a) it is everyone's patriotic duty to watch, and (b) I feel a connection to the Oscars, having written an estimated .0000017 percent (by volume) of Steve Martin's monologue when he hosted the show a couple of years ago (my account of that experience is here and here). I'm hoping for a snappy, fast-paced broadcast finishing no later than dawn Eastern Time.

UPDATE: Everybody is very excited.

UPDATE: Tim Burton's hair was apparently styled by rabid squirrels.

UPDATE: In case you're wondering -- and I know you are -- I'm wearing a University of Miami shirt in green and orange. The stains? They are by spaghetti.

UPDATE: I can't believe this. Not only did I not win Best Supporting Actor, but apparently I wasn't even nominated.

UPDATED: That Ben Stiller suit? I have that.

UPDATE: If you wear giant matching bow ties to accept the award, they should take the award away.

UPDATE: Do we think Dolly Parton lost a little too much weight?

UPDATE: If I don't win Live Action Short this thing is rigged.

UPDATE: Man, they start playing the get-off-the-stage music the instant the winners get on the stage. Maybe they should just have the presenters heave the statuettes into the audience.

UPDATE: I think we've reached the part of the show where you can go out for a while, maybe play a round of golf, and not miss anything.

UPDATE: The makeup guy just thanked the entire LA telephone directory.

UPDATE: Women have to pull the coveralls all the way down?

UPDATE: Lauren Bacall should just put on her glasses.

UPDATE: So they had about 57 feet of material left over, so they just bunched it up it on Charlize's shoulder, clearly intending to cut it off before she went onstage, but then...

UPDATE: March of the Penguins! A movie I actually saw! Yay.

UPDATE: Regarding the careerbuilder.com commercial: I don't know about you, but if I worked with dozens of monkeys, I would NOT want to change jobs.

UPDATE: Keanu and Sandra sure are excited to be giving out Best Art (snooorre) Direction.

UPDATE: No matter what he is actually talking about, Samuel L. Jackson always looks like he is just about to kick somebody's ass.

UPDATE: NOW is when we need the get-off-the-stage music.

UPDATE: This guy fails to mention that when you share the movie experience with total strangers, you also have to listen to their cell phones ring.

UPDATE: They should have Salma present all the awards.

UPDATE: She could also do the commercials.

UPDATE: Although she is nowhere near as hot as my wife.

UPDATE: They are setting some kind of world indoor record for most montages.

UPDATE: This attractive couple is really into sound mixing. You can just tell.

UPDATE: Aww. The sound mixers are thanking their moms.

UPDATE: Hey! A montage!

UPDATE: Terrific speech by Robert Altman. For real.

UPDATE: At least it's not a hip-hop montage.

UPDATE: Did they bleep the hip-hop guys?

UPDATE: I like the fake attack ads. And I think Jon Stewart's doing a good job.

UPDATE: Those sound guys really looked like sound guys.

UPDATE: I think a deceased-person montage is coming up.

UPDATE: We're supposed to go to Tsotsi.com. Maybe there's a montage.

UPDATE: Another mom-thanking! Yay for moms.

UPDATE: American Inventor? American Inventor?

UPDATE: 30 years after Grease, and my wife still has a crush on John Travolta.

UPDATE: I can't believe I didn't get Best Actress.

UPDATE: I have nothing at this time.

UPDATE: He thanked everybody in China. That has to be a record.

UPDATE: Crash. Whoa. OK, then. Good night, all. Happy montages.

Comments

[FleaBailey]

I thought they spoke English in South Africa.

[bbescuela]

Bad News, I don't recall the Don Knotts version of "The Old Man and the Sea."

[JaybirdMama]

Thank goodness you people are here!! We only have one working tv here and since I lost the rock, paper, scissors tournament a few minutes ago....dh is watching a movie. NOT an Oscar movie.

**sitting back to watch the Oscars as only you all can describe them!!**

[Layla]

Uh oh, Jack Bauer is involved in the Oscars.

[Jemmy]

*snork* @ bbescuela

[Adonis (NOT COVERT) Booger]

No one besides who you want can hear when you type in italics, right? Plus, I can't keep a secret well.

[FleaBailey]

God, she is gorgeous.

[Toll Booth Poll]

There are 300 messages posted right now, and about 5 people wrote 250 of those messages.

[puppytoes]

have seen none of the films (unless wedding crasher was nominated for something...)

jon stewart is excellent.

meryl streep/lily tomlin = fab

can't stay awake any longer... please tell me who wins the "big" ones in the morning....tho' i can't say i really care, since i have seen none of the films (unless wedding crashers was nominated for something)

[Christobol]

Dave - if you want to catch up on the Oscar worthy movies you've missed while maintaining quantity time with the family, keep in mind that "Veggie Tales" came out with a version of "Brokeback", telling the heartwrenching story of forbidden tolerance between a zuchini and a tomato.

It's a little watered down, but they managed to work in a moving "I wish I knew how to quit you, tomato!" Also, Whoopi Goldberg is excellent as the voice of a lima bean.

For all I know it was even nominated for best use of a salad shooter in a morality tale.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Toll, obviously you don't watch/read the 24 threads...

[Betsy]

Toll Booth...Do you wish to file a complaint?
*hits speed-dial for Jack Bauer*

[MeL]

Hillary Swank's teeth scare me.

[Lairbo]

Can't post comment, watching Hillary Swank. Blood leaving brain...

[scat]

Toll, only 5 of us have computers close enough to our TVs.

Cbol, :-D

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

*snork* @ C-bol

[KDFgirl]

C-bol, stop. You made me pee.

[bbescuela]

C'bol, I believe you're referring to "Yamfight at the OK Corral." A modern day classic.

[slyeyes]

Does anyone else think Heath Ledger is lookin' a little Gary Oldman tonight?

[scat]

OK, the OTHER gay actor role won.

NTTAWWT!

[judi]

noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

[Christobol]

bbescuela, you may be right.

either way, I cried when they peeled that carrot.

oh wait, that might sound wrong, given the context.

relax, it was a sex scene.

ok?

[Betsy]

Yep...and it's evident that he probably didn't expect to win.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

I guess they didn't want to make Jake G. cry, so went the other way.

[Lairbo]

Is Heath Ledger pretending to be Harvey Keitel?

[bbescuela]

C'bol, it wasn't a real carrot. They used a stunt parsnip. Sorry to burst your bubble.

[Adonis]

bb and c'bol, then there's also "Silence of the Yams" which, in my opinion, contains too much gratitous cooking. Yuck, an okra gets fried, right there on screen!

[Adonis]

AND THE FAVA BEAN SCENE! Made me want to puke!

[LucyVanPelt]

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Blog:

I would like to say Thank You for your support in my snarky comments.

Thank you to my family for letting me have the computer this evening.

A Big Thanks to Mr. Dave Barry for hosting, for without him, none of this would be possible.

I hope I didn't forget anyone, oh yes, Thanks to the Academy for hosting another awards show that has gone on past my bedtime.

Unfortuntely, my time is up, and I leave you with these immortal words:

BOOGER!

[MeL]

Does John Travolta actually ever age?

[insomniac]

though i tried hard not to listen, in the pimp song there were frequent references to 'witches' does anyone know is this was an act of censorship?

[Betsy]

clapclapclapclapclapclap for Lucy, exiting gracefully

[slyeyes]

'night, Lucy

[Renee]

Best speech of the night, Lucy!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

g'night Lucy

[Ted]

I went to a screening of Tsotsi with a date the other day, and while in the car, my cell rang and it was Judi. I told her I was kinda on a date on my way to see a movie. Judi's first question was,"do you think you are going to get any?" ....not cool, Judi, you think that's all I think of. In any case, we got there and the theater was already full and we couldn't get in, so they gave us a pass to see Salman Rushdie the next week. But also there was a car load of South Africans who apparently drove up from San Diego. They were pretty upset, and a 'situation' ensued. "What do you mean, there are no seats. We are South Africans from San Diego, and we cam to see Tstotsi," followed by, we don't care about Salman Rushdie." Then they said something in Afrikans that sounded like, Ngokgk K 'ek. My guess is that means, "This is bull shit." So we saw The Pink Panther instead.

[scat]

Sweet dreams, Lucy.

[slyeyes]

Dame Judy Dentsh's hair was styled by Tim Burton.

[MeL]

What the hell is that gnawing on Charlize Theron's shoulder?

[bbescuela]

Ngokgk K 'ek = nice hair. Sorry Ted.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Ted-Steve is the only man alive who could recreate that role.

[scat]

sly. Dame Judy and Tim Burton are really starting to look alike.

[Ted]

I think Charlize ought to be allowed to wear whatever she wants on her shoulders, and nothing else....also, in an unrelated matter John travolta -- not that there is anything wrong with it -- plays for the other team.....Major CP -- Cleavage Points -- to Reese W.

[Betsy]

Reese needs valium asap

[scat]

Dave, did Mrs. Blog ever see this Travolta movie? Poor John. Worst sequel ever.

[MeL]

That was a stupid mastercard commercial. I think the commercials should be entertaining like the superbowl commericals.

[judi]

ted: well, did ya?

[Lairbo]

Anybody else remember Steve McQueen's acceptance speech?

"Thanks for the nice statue."

God, I miss Steve McQueen.

ps: I was gonna take the dog out but the announcer just told me to stay where I am. Poor dog.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Vinny Boberino plays for the other team? NO!

[Dave]

Ted: My wife says you're full of it.

[slyeyes]

kinda on a date?

[Betsy]

Wait...what other team does JT play for, besides the Scientologists? Are you impugning his, uh, whatever?.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

nemours commercial makes me dance

[KDFgirl]

Yeah, Ted. What Mrs. Blog said.

[slyeyes]

Ted; it was "No mullet night".

[scat]

Ted, the other team only WISHES.

[Adonis]

Are you speaking for them, scat? NTTAWWT

[Christobol]

Okay, so I'm working on a script.

Here's what I've got so far:

A pre-op transexual black jewish man struggles with his forbidden love of a dead gay nazi, who is white. It's interfering with his work - he's a writer who adapts true stories of mass murder for Saturday morning cartoons, and causing no small amount of stress in his relationship with his estranged semi-retarded wedding crashing weatherman father, who is trying to expose Senator McCarthy as a booger eating moron. Ultimately, he teams up with Johnny Cash's ghost to free eleven captured olympians, only they're too late, so they go to Taco Bell.

So, obviously I need a hook, and maybe some plot twists.

Any suggestions?

[Ted]

Travolta and Cruise, Brokeback Scientologists....and that's no BS.

[judi]

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

[Alfred]

I have no comment I just want to say Hi. The music begins now.

[scat]

Adonis, actually, I'm female. Can't speak for the other team officially, NTTAWWT!

[MeL]

I like that lady's blue dress.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

C-Bol How 'bout they go to Wendy's instead and meet up with Elvis.

[Lairbo]

C-bol: He needs to drive, like, a totally cool car and, like, crash it into stuff. Oh, and lots of special effects. That'd be really cool. And have a hip-hop soundtrack.

[MeL]

I think Crash could have been written better and so much more done with it.

[judi]

the squid and the WHALE?!

[bbescuela]

C'bol, it needs more penguins.

[FleaBailey]

Uma's hair. Sandra Bullock's hair. What is up with the frizzle look?

[scat]

Another mom thanks, of sorts.

[Adonis]

Whoa, and you'd think my chick-dar would have gone off! OH! Not even plugged in! Hahaha! Yeah, scat, strong y-chromosome vibes detected!

[Christobol]

Ted, I'm having trouble following you. Are suggesting Travolta or Cruise for the dead gay nazi role?

Oh wait, I get it. Travolta will play Cruise's grandmother in one of the flashbacks. This could work.

[MeL]

If I was there I would be throwing popcorn at people to amuse myself.

[Alfred]

C-Bol: I guess a shot of two people kissing will work. And then one of them dies sudenly. MAke sure this persons last words might seem interesting until about a week later.
Oh and you forgot Tap Dancing Vampire.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Oh and C-Bol their car would have those hydraulics that make the car jump up and down at stop lights.

[Lairbo]

Oh, that's so cute. A little kid is gonna freeze in a snowstorm so that a fiberglas Ronald McDonald won't "get cold". Awwww.

[Adonis]

Hey Alfred! Hey, what are you, a vampire? You sure wake late! Got a 6:43 post to you on the balloon thread. Check it out! Got my capital A back!

[Christobol]

Okay, we can have penguins, but they're going to need to know kung-fu.

Also, I need contact info for an animal trainer who doesn't mind us putting the obligatory "no animals were hurt in the making of this film" even though some got hurt.

Question, shouldn't they have to have a disclaimer saying no animals (including humans) were hurt watching this film? Wouldn't that trim Oscars night down to 23 mins?

[Ted]

Anyone else notice how the screenwriter who won with Larry M for BBM was holding her Oscar awfully close to her, ahem, gazongas...centered...it created an image, shall we say....

[slyeyes]

Hey! Tom Hanks got a haircut since the beginning of the show.

[Adonis]

Nice setting, huh Ted.

[bbescuela]

Maybe you could call it "Butch Cassidy and the Tap-Dance Kid."

[Betsy]

*begin scurrilous rumor summary*

Well, I just googled "John Travolta gay" (I'm always subtle about this stuff), and found a wealth of innuendo (no innuendo intended) and the RUMOR is that he hits on men in health clubs, and played a gay part in a movie, and has been named in a lawsuit by a crazy gay scientologist, and that his wife is secretly a lesbian, so that's why the marriage works.
However, he's only "out" as a Scientologist and enlightened and self-actualized dude and major ack-tor.
*End of scurrilous rumor summary. *

[Christobol]

Alfred - excellent suggestion. Quibble, is it okay if it only seems interesting until you get to the car?

Lisa - hydraulics are in. Maybe we'll show how they were made by a pharmaceuticals company plundering Africa to launder oil money. We'll edit that in during a chase scene so people's brains don't start to protest.

[Lairbo]

Way to go, Jack. No banter, no scripted BS. Just read the nominees.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Yay C-Bol!!!

Betsy-Good investigative work!

[scat]

(wishes Travolta would go back into the closet about that Scientology thing)

CRASH???!!!???

[FleaBailey]

Well. Huh. How about that?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Wow, I'm shocked. Best Director/Best Picture splitting awards...that's rare!

Well, Good Night and Good Luck, everyone!

[Betsy]

Thank you, Lisa. It was a nasty job, but somebody had to do it.

[Alfred]

Good for Tom. The other one was getting old anyway. He got a hair cut during one of the montages. He also recieved a swedish backrub from some lady. But we never saw it. Too busy with the montage.

Adonis- I forgot Witten's name. Good ol W&Ws eh. Yeah observations would be different. I have no idea how.

What form of Kung Fu for the Penguins. And which one will get the super cool weapon that no one else understands. Like a bunch of forks connected together and shimmering.

[Adonis]

Official blog:

Screenplay - Butch Casidy and the Tapdance Kid

[KDFgirl]

WHAT? It's over already?

[scat]

I'm still waiting for Jack to jump out and tell us the Crash thing was just a joke.

[slyeyes]

oops, she got the clarinet dart.

[bbescuela]

Sorry to bring this up late, but did Tom Hanks say "f**k" something as he walked onstage? Did anyone Tivo that?

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

bb-he said something, but I couldn't catch it

g'night all

[Christobol]

Dave,

One of the reasons you never win "Best Actress" is that you never pander to the Chinese.

Plus, there's a vicious rumor circulating that, at one time, you Did Japan.

[Alfred]

Probably the fact that he just saw his new haircut. Not enough time. Got his eye twinkle.

[Lairbo]

It's all over now but the closing ceremonies.