THE ACADEMY AWARDS

I didn't see any of the movies nominated for Best Picture. This is because I'm the parent of a 6-year-old, which means I see only those movies where the plot involves cute but lovable animals who talk in the voices of famous celebrities, one of whom, by law, must be Whoopi Goldberg. So I have no opinion about who should win any of the awards. But I'll watch anyway, because (a) it is everyone's patriotic duty to watch, and (b) I feel a connection to the Oscars, having written an estimated .0000017 percent (by volume) of Steve Martin's monologue when he hosted the show a couple of years ago (my account of that experience is here and here). I'm hoping for a snappy, fast-paced broadcast finishing no later than dawn Eastern Time.

UPDATE: Everybody is very excited.

UPDATE: Tim Burton's hair was apparently styled by rabid squirrels.

UPDATE: In case you're wondering -- and I know you are -- I'm wearing a University of Miami shirt in green and orange. The stains? They are by spaghetti.

UPDATE: I can't believe this. Not only did I not win Best Supporting Actor, but apparently I wasn't even nominated.

UPDATED: That Ben Stiller suit? I have that.

UPDATE: If you wear giant matching bow ties to accept the award, they should take the award away.

UPDATE: Do we think Dolly Parton lost a little too much weight?

UPDATE: If I don't win Live Action Short this thing is rigged.

UPDATE: Man, they start playing the get-off-the-stage music the instant the winners get on the stage. Maybe they should just have the presenters heave the statuettes into the audience.

UPDATE: I think we've reached the part of the show where you can go out for a while, maybe play a round of golf, and not miss anything.

UPDATE: The makeup guy just thanked the entire LA telephone directory.

UPDATE: Women have to pull the coveralls all the way down?

UPDATE: Lauren Bacall should just put on her glasses.

UPDATE: So they had about 57 feet of material left over, so they just bunched it up it on Charlize's shoulder, clearly intending to cut it off before she went onstage, but then...

UPDATE: March of the Penguins! A movie I actually saw! Yay.

UPDATE: Regarding the careerbuilder.com commercial: I don't know about you, but if I worked with dozens of monkeys, I would NOT want to change jobs.

UPDATE: Keanu and Sandra sure are excited to be giving out Best Art (snooorre) Direction.

UPDATE: No matter what he is actually talking about, Samuel L. Jackson always looks like he is just about to kick somebody's ass.

UPDATE: NOW is when we need the get-off-the-stage music.

UPDATE: This guy fails to mention that when you share the movie experience with total strangers, you also have to listen to their cell phones ring.

UPDATE: They should have Salma present all the awards.

UPDATE: She could also do the commercials.

UPDATE: Although she is nowhere near as hot as my wife.

UPDATE: They are setting some kind of world indoor record for most montages.

UPDATE: This attractive couple is really into sound mixing. You can just tell.

UPDATE: Aww. The sound mixers are thanking their moms.

UPDATE: Hey! A montage!

UPDATE: Terrific speech by Robert Altman. For real.

UPDATE: At least it's not a hip-hop montage.

UPDATE: Did they bleep the hip-hop guys?

UPDATE: I like the fake attack ads. And I think Jon Stewart's doing a good job.

UPDATE: Those sound guys really looked like sound guys.

UPDATE: I think a deceased-person montage is coming up.

UPDATE: We're supposed to go to Tsotsi.com. Maybe there's a montage.

UPDATE: Another mom-thanking! Yay for moms.

UPDATE: American Inventor? American Inventor?

UPDATE: 30 years after Grease, and my wife still has a crush on John Travolta.

UPDATE: I can't believe I didn't get Best Actress.

UPDATE: I have nothing at this time.

UPDATE: He thanked everybody in China. That has to be a record.

UPDATE: Crash. Whoa. OK, then. Good night, all. Happy montages.

Comments

[random russian terrorist]

NO!!!! well, that's all four of them!

[scat]

Alba...Bana
Alba...Bana
Alba...Bana

[U.O]

Oh, yeah ... Salma is ... um ... whut y'all said ...

I wuz talkin' to MR(RH?) during some of this, and suggested that I wasn't really impressed with the dresses ... er ... gowns ... I said most ever'body is showing the usual amount of t!t's, but the rest of the dresses look ... um ... frumpy ...

She said I wasn't s'posed to say stuff like that ...

OK ... she doesn't have t!ts ... is that better? (No, she din't laff either ...)

[MoFaux]

I shook Salma's hand once, and yeah, I can die happy now-and yeah, I'm bragging.In my neighborhood, thats as good as saying you slept with her.Yeah, My neighborhood is in geeksville.

[Lairbo]

Tonight's Oscar telecast is brought to you by the people who sell $12 popcorn and $18 sodas.

ps: Jessica Alba is famous, why?

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

*snork* @ Betsy

[U.O]

Jessica Alba has more teeth than Bert Parks!

[slyeyes]

thanks, judi.

[Jemmy]

Because she's hot, in the right place at the right time, hot, she was on this TV show where she wore skintight clothes, and she's hot.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Good Lord...enough with the italics already...seriously.

[judi]

jessica alba was DARK ANGEL, lairbo.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

MoFaux-I stood next to her once at the wax museum.
*okay I'll stop now*

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Mmmm....Alba....Dark Angel....uh, wha? Sorry, don't distract me, judi...please. And don't mention Selma...mmm....Selma...

[bad-accent-terrorist-boss]

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

[scat]

Um, I don't know why the Lassie comment was italicized. Really.

[MoFaux]

Did I mention I was born on Johnny Cash's couch?not making these things up, Lisa~

[scat]

Eeep. Time's up, ladies. We love you but do go away.

[Bad News]

I think some of the rabid squirrels were still in Tim Burton's hair. They keep showing film montages. 78 years of great films and somehow they have managed to put them together in a way that would make an insomniac suffering with ADD and restless leg syndrome fall asleep.
John Stewart is now asking if we at home will send in film clips for the show!
I think I would keep working with the monkeys too!

[judi]

MONTAGE ALERT!!!

[Betsy]

Lovely job by Meryl and Lily:)

[slyeyes]

Oh look. A montage! We haven't seen one for what? 5 minutes?

[LucyVanPelt]

MASH was one of the greatest movies of all times.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Mo-Was he there?

[judi]

can jack bauer shoot the montage-makers in the thigh, please?

[MeL]

Now this may be sanctimonious ;) but I really don't like the oscars AND Grey's Anatomy is cancelled tonight because of it. That's just wrong people!

[U.O]

Actually, according to the CDC. squirrels (and other small rodents) can contract rabies (If they have Jerry Maguire as an agent), tho it is quite unlikely ...

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Betsy-I saw a rerun of an old Lily Tomlin skit the other day. It was a reminder of how funny she is!

[U.O]

Agreed ... M*A*S*H (and many other Altman films) rank among the best ever ...

[slyeyes]

Note to Frances McDormand: The 60's are over. It's OK to wear make-up. And style your hair.

[MeL]

The camera should never ever be on Jack Nicholson even if it is panning through a crowd.

[Lairbo]

Judi, you mean the Dark Angel about the group of genetically-enhanced children who escape from a lab project, then years later we meet Max, one of the escapees who now works for a messenger service in the post-apocalyptic Pacific Northwest? Ah, yes.

A Robert Altman montage is one I can get behind.

[scat]

They're showing Jack Nicholson so much I keep thinking I'm watching a Lakers game.

[Betsy]

A non-judgmental truism: Sincerity doesn't lend itself to soundbites.

[James Trofe]

What does fashion have to do with making movies? Why were the pre-show people so obsessed with it?
How is Wallice and Gromit in any way comparable with Corpse Bride?
Why does it seem like they keep picking the same 6 movies?

[Lairbo]

I was taping this for my girlfriend who couldn't watch and I've run out of tape. I am so-o-o-o-o-o dead.

[Lynn]

Why to they all say, "I wanna thank"? Why don't they just thank them rather than saying that they want to?

[slyeyes]

From the camera angle, I keep thinking that Nicholson's date is Kiera Knightely. They never show the woman he's with.

[U.O]

Did that voice-over say ... "Ruby Begonia" ...?

[LucyVanPelt]

What the heck was that about a heart transplant? Starting to get a little weird.

[MeL]

Am I the only one who thought the M Knight Shymalan (oh that is so not spelled right) American Express commerical was way too weird.

[U.O]

He had a heart transplant ... he thinks he'll be doing films for another 40 years ... one may only hope ... Altman films are (usually) one of the few bright spots in a mediocre season of Hollywood offerings ...

[Adonis]

Off comment alert:

Hey judi, how do we put strikethrough in our comments?

[Betsy]

If you think back to the beginning of the show, it was a flippin' animated photomontage. We should have recognized it then as the work-it-to-death theme of the evening.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

What the HELL was that freaking commercial with M. Night all about?!?!?!??

[MeL]

Ya know he IS an awesome film maker but he was rambling a bit and putting me to sleep.

[Christobol]

Great coverage, Dave.

Great comments, folks.

Wait, this isn't another elaborate hoax to make me think something is on TV when it isn't, is it?

[LucyVanPelt]

Now that is a smokin' velvet jacket!

Or perhaps a velvet smoking jacket?

[MoFaux]

Johnny delivered me,Lisa; shortly after that I won the Mississippi one armed virtuoso guitar competitionand John signed me to the now defunct PBR record label where I still thrive in obscurity as the unknown son of Johnny Cash and the guy who once shook Salma Hayek's right hand.

[Jemmy]

Christobol caught on. Rats.

[MeL]

I've become a lot more tolerable of hip hop/rap in the last few years but this song totally not in that category.

[Betsy]

C-bol "another"? Do you often find that large groups are engaging in elaborate hoaxes to make you look bad???

[U.O]

Adonis -- don't ask ... it eats up bandwidth and we're not s'posed to know about it ...

Oops ...

Hi, Dave ... Blessed St. Judi ...

So, How about those Marlins?

[scat]

trop, I think it's saying If you see M. Night in a restaurant, DON'T bug him or else.

OH MY GOD, I thought "I'm Easy" was the worst song ever to be nominated for an Oscar.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Hey, she's wearing the Marilyn Monroe dress!

[Christobol]

No, I look bad all the time, on my own, as a hobby.

But I like to blame large groups.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Hey, Dave, think the Rock Bottom Remainders can do a cover of "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp"?

[Eleanor]

Jake is hot.

Lily and Meryl were funny.

My TV is too far away from my computer.

The show is a bore.

[FleaBailey]

"Pimp" is not a word that does well being drawn out.

[scat]

P-E-E-E-E-E-E-I-I-I-I-I-M-M-M-M-M-P-P-P-P-P-P-P!!!!!

[slyeyes]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[Betsy]

Another milestone in musical quality

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

I can hear jaws dropping.

[scat]

This is the end of the world.

[MeL]

Did you see the look on Dolly parton's face when they announced the Pimp song won? She's too old to be trying to keep it street yo.

[Christobol]

How close to done is this so-called gig?

And who won for best use of armpit hair in an opening credits montage? I had money on that one.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

I was personally rooting for Dolly's Ramparts...if you know what I mean.

[slyeyes]

Well, only three songs were nominated. Obviously the a very scant year.

They obviously didn't get the "back to glamour" memo.

"Thank you, Jesus" for winning for "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp"?

[judi]

ummmmm, HUH?!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Jon did a good job with that.

[Betsy]

"'Our song', dear? Oh...teehee. Well, your grandpa and I were one of the thousands of couples who fell in love back in ought-five to 'It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp'. Ahhh...that takes me back; yes it does..."

[MeL]

Wow they try SO hard to be funny and fail so miserably.

[scat]

Whoa. A funny montage!

[Sam G.]

*sigh*
Dave, that's always how Tim's hair looks. It's something you get used to. I'm sorry, but I'm a rabid Tim Burton fan, and I don't mind the fact that his hair looks like it was styled by rabid squirrels. His hair is actually quite fun to draw.
Anyway, I'm disappointed that Corpse Bride didn't win best animated feature. I'm fascinated with stop-motion, and Corpse Bride happens to be my favorite movie.
So...I'm going to go to bed before I have to endure people calling me a creepy goth and perhaps shooting me in the thigh because I adore Tim Burton.

[judi]

adonis: i'm sorry, i don't know.

[Adonis]

Really, UO? I promised certain posse members that I would find out and teach them, and I think if I don't pull thru they might take away my newly minted capital letter. PLEEEEEAAAASSE!! I know how hard it is out there for a HTML pimp!

[KDFgirl]

WHOA. Nice save, Jen!

[Lairbo]

HUGE snork to Betsy

[MeL]

I love Jennifer Garner! She's so down to earth and always makes me smile. That and she's the only one who could almost fall and not be mortified about it in front of people.

[Betsy]

Wow, Lairbo! thank you for the HUGE snork:) (Not that size makes any difference, but...well, sometimes it does:)

[judi]

UPCOMING MONTAGE ALERT!!!!!!!!

[Lairbo]

Bring out your dead!

[slyeyes]

Let's see if Mickey Rooney's name is on here.

[judi]

me too, mel. j.g.'s hot!

[LucyVanPelt]

I see dead people.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Hmm, they didn't show Don Knotts.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Or did I miss it?

[Betsy]

"SNORK" @ Lucy!

[Adonis]

psst! UO, if it helps understand my problem, the two are Bumble and KDFgirl! Help!

[Lairbo]

LBFF, I think they limit the obituary montage to the previous calendar year.

[scat]

*snork* to everybody!

[Christobol]

Do they show the audience during the montage selections? I mean, is everyone taking a leak or in line at the concession stand?

Why don't they ever catch anyone like Nicholson in the middle of a big old serving of nachos?

[MeL]

How come any time anyone says anything about Richard Pryor the same pic with him in a black leather jacket on stage pops up? I know there are more pictures of that man out there.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Lairbo-Oh, that makes sense.

*snork* @ Lucy

[Jemmy]

My sister is now indignant and sulking at me because I didn't alert her about each of these deaths as they happened.

[bbescuela]

judi, just copy "UPCOMING MONTAGE ALERT!!!!!!!!" to your clipboard and paste it in every ten minutes or so.

[MeL]

Will Smith's hot!

[Bad News]

I think they completely missed lovable Barney Fife- AKA Don Knotts in the Oscars dead people montage. He did a few good movies like the fish movie.

[Lairbo]

For a minute there, I thought Will Smith was gonna sing the opening number from Cabaret. NTTAWWT.

[scat]

Oh dear. Will Smith got the Best Foreign Language Film gig. His Hollywood stock has plunged.

Will needs work!

[KDFgirl]

pssst, Adonis, way to keep it low profile