THE ACADEMY AWARDS

I didn't see any of the movies nominated for Best Picture. This is because I'm the parent of a 6-year-old, which means I see only those movies where the plot involves cute but lovable animals who talk in the voices of famous celebrities, one of whom, by law, must be Whoopi Goldberg. So I have no opinion about who should win any of the awards. But I'll watch anyway, because (a) it is everyone's patriotic duty to watch, and (b) I feel a connection to the Oscars, having written an estimated .0000017 percent (by volume) of Steve Martin's monologue when he hosted the show a couple of years ago (my account of that experience is here and here). I'm hoping for a snappy, fast-paced broadcast finishing no later than dawn Eastern Time.

UPDATE: Everybody is very excited.

UPDATE: Tim Burton's hair was apparently styled by rabid squirrels.

UPDATE: In case you're wondering -- and I know you are -- I'm wearing a University of Miami shirt in green and orange. The stains? They are by spaghetti.

UPDATE: I can't believe this. Not only did I not win Best Supporting Actor, but apparently I wasn't even nominated.

UPDATED: That Ben Stiller suit? I have that.

UPDATE: If you wear giant matching bow ties to accept the award, they should take the award away.

UPDATE: Do we think Dolly Parton lost a little too much weight?

UPDATE: If I don't win Live Action Short this thing is rigged.

UPDATE: Man, they start playing the get-off-the-stage music the instant the winners get on the stage. Maybe they should just have the presenters heave the statuettes into the audience.

UPDATE: I think we've reached the part of the show where you can go out for a while, maybe play a round of golf, and not miss anything.

UPDATE: The makeup guy just thanked the entire LA telephone directory.

UPDATE: Women have to pull the coveralls all the way down?

UPDATE: Lauren Bacall should just put on her glasses.

UPDATE: So they had about 57 feet of material left over, so they just bunched it up it on Charlize's shoulder, clearly intending to cut it off before she went onstage, but then...

UPDATE: March of the Penguins! A movie I actually saw! Yay.

UPDATE: Regarding the careerbuilder.com commercial: I don't know about you, but if I worked with dozens of monkeys, I would NOT want to change jobs.

UPDATE: Keanu and Sandra sure are excited to be giving out Best Art (snooorre) Direction.

UPDATE: No matter what he is actually talking about, Samuel L. Jackson always looks like he is just about to kick somebody's ass.

UPDATE: NOW is when we need the get-off-the-stage music.

UPDATE: This guy fails to mention that when you share the movie experience with total strangers, you also have to listen to their cell phones ring.

UPDATE: They should have Salma present all the awards.

UPDATE: She could also do the commercials.

UPDATE: Although she is nowhere near as hot as my wife.

UPDATE: They are setting some kind of world indoor record for most montages.

UPDATE: This attractive couple is really into sound mixing. You can just tell.

UPDATE: Aww. The sound mixers are thanking their moms.

UPDATE: Hey! A montage!

UPDATE: Terrific speech by Robert Altman. For real.

UPDATE: At least it's not a hip-hop montage.

UPDATE: Did they bleep the hip-hop guys?

UPDATE: I like the fake attack ads. And I think Jon Stewart's doing a good job.

UPDATE: Those sound guys really looked like sound guys.

UPDATE: I think a deceased-person montage is coming up.

UPDATE: We're supposed to go to Tsotsi.com. Maybe there's a montage.

UPDATE: Another mom-thanking! Yay for moms.

UPDATE: American Inventor? American Inventor?

UPDATE: 30 years after Grease, and my wife still has a crush on John Travolta.

UPDATE: I can't believe I didn't get Best Actress.

UPDATE: I have nothing at this time.

UPDATE: He thanked everybody in China. That has to be a record.

UPDATE: Crash. Whoa. OK, then. Good night, all. Happy montages.

Comments

[bbescuela]

Betsy, I think the difference is that those in Washington do have an effect on our future. Those in Hollywood only think they do.

[slyeyes]

Writerdude; you should see us during 24. I think we once did an...um... whatever you call it when 11 people post at the same time.

[LucyVanPelt]

Writer, if it applause from the Guys you are looking for then you might be doing something wrong.

[Betsy]

bb...Hollywood motto: artifice for 'art'. D.C....Artifice? what artifice???

[slyeyes]

I do like the way some of the "presenter bits".

[Betsy]

Writer...How do you know the four of us weren't faking it??

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

What ever they do, they better not play that music on Russell. He'll deck someone!

[LucyVanPelt]

I think I have to concur with Dave, I'm going to play a round of golf. Somebody hollar when it gets exciting.

[slyeyes]

WAIT A MINUTE!! Someone got a nomination for making Russell Crowe look like he'd been in a fight? Isn't he in a fight every other week? Not quite a stretch.

[slyeyes]

!!!! I SAID IT BEFORE JON!!!!!

[Jemmy]

Stewart agrees, sly

[Dave]

Way to go, slyeyes.

[slyeyes]

*blush*

*stammer, stutter*

Thanks

[Al Gore]

People, people, I invented the Oscars!

[WriterDude]

Betsy, I don't. Seeing as prizes for acting are being handed out, I'll just happily play along and reap the rewards.

Having said that, Mrs. WriterDude is kicking me off the (only) computer in favor of her schoolwork. Maybe by the time the big awards are handed out, I can come back out to play. But only until the streetlights come on, probably. ;-)

Blog on, y'all!

[Betsy]

Rachel's ramparts are a little agitated

[Eleanor]

sly, a clip from Munich.

[slyeyes]

OK, I get it now. That aborted remote demolition thing was from one of the nominated movies.

Maybe if I'd seen more than the March of the Penquins, I would have known that.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Tab Energy? Great, now our energy drinks are gender specific...

[Eleanor]

My 9:08 post was posted 2 commercials ago, and I just came back and it was waiting for me to robot - I hate when that happens.:(

[Betsy]

I just broke out the individual bottle of Bailey's; Hour One is over, time for heavy drinking.

[Jemmy]

Bacall having teleprompter issues?

[slyeyes]

I just love Ms. Bacall. But apparently the teleprompter needed larger letters.

[Betsy]

Oh dear...Lauren is having trouble with the teleprompter...I HATE to see that

[judi]

oh man. she should get glasses.

[Louis Horvath]

I wasn't watching the Oscars. I figured I'd just catch the end on Tuesday morning. But this thread has got to be better that the actual show.

[judi]

SMACK smack smack smack

what the hell is this about? i was so distracted by the inability of l.b. to read the teleprompter that i didn't hear what she was saying. is it something to do with graphics on the screen? ;)

[judi]

keira is so HOT.

[slyeyes]

I'm liking this Dame bit.

[judi]

also jake is hot but did not win. so i am sad.

[Betsy]

Judi...I don't know either, for the same reason. We have to turn off all human emotion and FOCUS!

[slyeyes]

*pssst, judi, you said that out loud*

[slyeyes]

That hairdo is straight from a 1960's prom.

[Betsy]

So...what's with her ramparts? they look kind of absent and/or spikey. Or maybe they were transplanted to her shoulder?

[Jemmy]

penguins? Penguins?

Penguins!

[KDFgirl]

Maybe Charlize could borrow one of the penguins and put it on her other shoulder.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

*psst, slyeyes...everything you've said tonight has been out loud...*

;)

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

This reminds me of the "Life is Beautiful" acceptance speech from a few years back.

[judi]

sly: nttawwt

for the record, jessica alba is also HOT.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

J Lo is going to dance soon.

[Jemmy]

Missed it. Who's she?

[Betsy]

Nominated for set design: Major Traffic Accidents division.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Heck, I'll jump in:

I'm a male of the masculine persuasion, and I'll admit that George Clooney is lookin' damn good tonight.

[LucyVanPelt]

What the heck is going on. I don't understand this at all? Does anyone else?

[slyeyes]

Now I'm going to have nightmares.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Tropic-I sat next to him at the wax museum.

[Betsy]

It's ok...there's still Coke to anchor us to a benign and easily understood reality

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Lucy-I think it was hell. (If you believe in that sort of thing)

I like the monkey commercial.

[LucyVanPelt]

Thanks Lisa--I occasionally believe in hell, especially when watching the oscars.

On a side note, did anyone see the mastercard commercial at priceless.com Sounds like a perfect blog assignment.

[EB]

**HIC** ANyone remeba that one Oscars night when Marlon Brando did that **HIC**,one thing for the Natives??? Or was that Jack Nicholson??? Or was it Marlon Brando with a baseball bat, orrr was it Al Capone via DeNiro......or...

Sorry. Wrong generation. Mine had Hetero cowboys!

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz EB.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Lisa: True story. I was two feet away from Andy Garcia today on Key Biscayne. Shame he isn't in these awards tonight...

[Betsy]

EB...Brando. Sacheen Littlefeather. Go back to sleep:) Us geezers are taking shifts. (note "f")

[Jemmy]

Here are the nominations for pencil sketch!

[scat]

Is it just me or has the orchestra played the EXACT SAME entrance music for the past 50 Oscars Awards?

[bbescuela]

The penguin guys neglected to thank Phineas T. Whoopee. This is an outrage!

[scat]

I like Sandra Bullock's dress.

[judi]

andy: AND YOU DIDN'T CALL ME?!?!?!

[slyeyes]

Scat, I think someone piped in the Muzak from the elevators.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Tropic-Very cool. I like Andy.

Alas, my George was only wax! But he looked very real, so it kind of counts.

[Renee]

Betsy: Thank God for the letter "f." :-)

[judi]

p.s. sir, are you saying you DON'T work with a bunch of monkeys?

now i'm blushing.

[Dave]

judi -- Not a bunch of them, no. Just you.

[judi]

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

judi: I'm sorry. I really am. Here's an even funnier bit. I have an uncle visiting from Wisconsin, and he sat down on a golf-cart in the Key Biscayne Yacht Club's parking lot (people on KB use golf-carts to get around 'cos they can't afford Segue's yet...), waiting for us. Turns out...it was Andy's. He walked up, pointed out that he was leaving and that was his cart, and my uncle got up and moved.

[scat]

sly - *snork!*

Hey, Jon's doing better than I expected!

[Lairbo]

Oh, this thing is running lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ng

[Betsy]

Dave...I thought for a moment you were dissing our Blessed St. Judi, Keeper of the Flame. But I know I must have been mistaken.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

I spelled Segway correctly above, didn't I? DIDN'T I?

I thought so!

[scat]

zzzzzzzz

Time for an extended bathroom break.

[slyeyes]

um..... Mickey Rooney is still alive?

I did not know that.

[FleaBailey]

He's putting me to sleeeeep. He's putting everyone to sleeeeeeeeeep. Charlize Theron has put her head down on that pillow on her left shoulder and gone to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

[judi]

whoaaaaaaaaa.....

[KDFgirl]

Quadruple D-cups are the new black.

[herb]

Betsy -

My sentiments exactly. God actually created that letter on the EIGHTH day -- the day after he rested and thought about his creation. This is tooooooooo borrrrring. It's the worst ceremony I can remember. What were they thinking????? Dave, I KNOW that you didn't write for anyone there this year. Snooze city.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Okay...did the President of the Academy say something important? As soon as Selma walked on...I forgot anything he just said.

And...her right...looks like it's bigger than the left. Jus' sayin'.

[Lairbo]

Yeah, sharing the experience with total strangers who talk on their cell phones while eating God-knows-what and bumping the back of my seat like it was a soccer ball.

[slyeyes]

OK, I'll jump on the bandwagon; Selma Hayek is hawt.

and Fleabailey; *snork*

[Betsy]

"five films being honored for a regional score"????

[Lairbo]

Regional score?

[Betsy]

Lairbo---*SNORK* So it wasn't just me, then?

[Lairbo]

Wow, back-to-back simulposts with Dave and Betsy! High fives all around!

Why do I have to take an eye test to post all of a sudden?

[KAZ]

I have to admit that reading Dave's updates is far more interesting than I am willing to believe the Oscars have ever, ever been.

I stipulate that I have only ever watched any part of any Oscars show by accident, during channel surfing...or when clips of how stupid it is were shown on some less-stupid show.

Oh, but I did almost watch them this year just because Jon Stewart really is a funny guy, despite it being really hip right now to think he's a funny guy. But surely even he couldn't save that self-congratulatory festival of sniveling obsequity.

But Dave: rodents can't catch rabies.

(admittedly, though "rabid squirrels" is a very funny thing to say)

--
Words of the Sentient:

FDA employees are serious about feat. We pay these people to panic about an iota of rodent hair in our chili, even when the recipe calls for it.
-- P.J.O'Rourke

[slyeyes]

Umm...what is the point of this? To remind us that NONE of the nominated movies are light-hearted uplifting feel good movies?

[Tramp]

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[scat]

Salma does know how to work her curves.

[Betsy]

There should be a line somewhere about Salma and her middlebrow past, but I'm too tired to think of one.

[random russian terrorist]

I will now unleash the cannisters of italic doom!

[scat]

OK, repeat 6 more times...And the Oscar goes to...Brokeback Mountain.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

scat! What you curves! Gotta fix that!

[Jemmy]

Whenever they show a clip from a Best Picture nominee, it starts with slowly applauding hands. Like, sarcastic applause. "Great. Here's another 'best picture' nominee. Yeah, it's JUST wonderful."

[Betsy]

Oh yeah, RIGHT! Make the step up to MGD, and prove that you can be manipulated into drinking p*ss.

[Lairbo]

At first I thought it was kinda odd, but now I think they should announce the birthplace of every award winner.

[random russian terrorist]

Well, THCguy, or should I call you Jack? That was just one cannister. Maybe I should use more than one!!!

[scat]

KAZ, I recall an episode of Lassie in which Timmy gets bitten by a rabid squirrel. In quicksand. At the bottom of a well.

[slyeyes]

The Adrian Monk in me wants to straighten Jake's tie.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Ha! I stab your italics in their collective thighs...!

[Jemmy]

They keep doing these montages. Do these montages make any sense to anybody? Am I just incredibly stupid?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Okay, this will not stand! HA!

[Betsy]

I think they should add categories for the audience: Best artificial laugh at an unfunny line after glancing up to see that the camera is on you; Best attempt to pretend knowledgable enthusiasm for some geezer you've never heard of; best telegraphing of Sincere Good Wishes to Your Competitor in a Major Category' best spousal kiss to someone you had a huge fight with in the limousine...

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Does Jon have a teleprompter showing comments from this blog?