THE ACADEMY AWARDS

I didn't see any of the movies nominated for Best Picture. This is because I'm the parent of a 6-year-old, which means I see only those movies where the plot involves cute but lovable animals who talk in the voices of famous celebrities, one of whom, by law, must be Whoopi Goldberg. So I have no opinion about who should win any of the awards. But I'll watch anyway, because (a) it is everyone's patriotic duty to watch, and (b) I feel a connection to the Oscars, having written an estimated .0000017 percent (by volume) of Steve Martin's monologue when he hosted the show a couple of years ago (my account of that experience is here and here). I'm hoping for a snappy, fast-paced broadcast finishing no later than dawn Eastern Time.

UPDATE: Everybody is very excited.

UPDATE: Tim Burton's hair was apparently styled by rabid squirrels.

UPDATE: In case you're wondering -- and I know you are -- I'm wearing a University of Miami shirt in green and orange. The stains? They are by spaghetti.

UPDATE: I can't believe this. Not only did I not win Best Supporting Actor, but apparently I wasn't even nominated.

UPDATED: That Ben Stiller suit? I have that.

UPDATE: If you wear giant matching bow ties to accept the award, they should take the award away.

UPDATE: Do we think Dolly Parton lost a little too much weight?

UPDATE: If I don't win Live Action Short this thing is rigged.

UPDATE: Man, they start playing the get-off-the-stage music the instant the winners get on the stage. Maybe they should just have the presenters heave the statuettes into the audience.

UPDATE: I think we've reached the part of the show where you can go out for a while, maybe play a round of golf, and not miss anything.

UPDATE: The makeup guy just thanked the entire LA telephone directory.

UPDATE: Women have to pull the coveralls all the way down?

UPDATE: Lauren Bacall should just put on her glasses.

UPDATE: So they had about 57 feet of material left over, so they just bunched it up it on Charlize's shoulder, clearly intending to cut it off before she went onstage, but then...

UPDATE: March of the Penguins! A movie I actually saw! Yay.

UPDATE: Regarding the careerbuilder.com commercial: I don't know about you, but if I worked with dozens of monkeys, I would NOT want to change jobs.

UPDATE: Keanu and Sandra sure are excited to be giving out Best Art (snooorre) Direction.

UPDATE: No matter what he is actually talking about, Samuel L. Jackson always looks like he is just about to kick somebody's ass.

UPDATE: NOW is when we need the get-off-the-stage music.

UPDATE: This guy fails to mention that when you share the movie experience with total strangers, you also have to listen to their cell phones ring.

UPDATE: They should have Salma present all the awards.

UPDATE: She could also do the commercials.

UPDATE: Although she is nowhere near as hot as my wife.

UPDATE: They are setting some kind of world indoor record for most montages.

UPDATE: This attractive couple is really into sound mixing. You can just tell.

UPDATE: Aww. The sound mixers are thanking their moms.

UPDATE: Hey! A montage!

UPDATE: Terrific speech by Robert Altman. For real.

UPDATE: At least it's not a hip-hop montage.

UPDATE: Did they bleep the hip-hop guys?

UPDATE: I like the fake attack ads. And I think Jon Stewart's doing a good job.

UPDATE: Those sound guys really looked like sound guys.

UPDATE: I think a deceased-person montage is coming up.

UPDATE: We're supposed to go to Tsotsi.com. Maybe there's a montage.

UPDATE: Another mom-thanking! Yay for moms.

UPDATE: American Inventor? American Inventor?

UPDATE: 30 years after Grease, and my wife still has a crush on John Travolta.

UPDATE: I can't believe I didn't get Best Actress.

UPDATE: I have nothing at this time.

UPDATE: He thanked everybody in China. That has to be a record.

UPDATE: Crash. Whoa. OK, then. Good night, all. Happy montages.

Comments

[CoastRaven]

I didnt see any movies nominated for any awards

[CoastRaven]

But I AM the first drunk around

[U.O]

Dave,

I, too, have not seen any of the movies ... mostly 'cuz I do not go to movies any more ... except at Thanksgiving, when we take the grandkids to see the current "Hot Ticket" of the season ... many of which, in the past few years, have included those movies where the plot involves cute but lovable animals who talk in the voices of famous celebrities, one of whom, by law, must be Whoopi Goldberg ...

I'm looking forward to the bloglets commentary, and yours, of course ...

[Wurm42]

CoastRaven, give us time! The drinking games don't start until *after* the red carpet.

Red-carpet comments:

Funniest moment: Paul Giamati completely stumped when asked what designer he was wearing.

Most inane commentary: The E! reporter (Isacc something) asking an Australian actor: How did you get here? Did you fly? (No, they swam...)

Absolute worst fashion item: Diamond "bling-bling" dentures on the rapper whose song was nominated from "Hustle & Flow"

[U.O]

Second!

[Lairbo]

The big question on everyone's (on the blog, anyway) is: Who are you wearing for the occasion?

[Wurm42]

ROFL, The March of the Penguins guys all got out of the limo carrying giant plush penguins. Too cute!

[Wurm42]

Okay, what's up with all these old-film montages on ABC? We want to see if Meryl Streep or Dolly Parton pop out of their dresses before they make it down the red carpet!

[Brad]

Can't Jack Bauer get there and shoot everyone in the thigh? He can get clear around SoCal in 10 minutes. Why can't he take care of this emergency?

[qetzal]

If I agree to watch, will I get to see Melissa Rivers shoot Joan in the thigh? No?

Then I'm outta here!

[Capt. Pike]

I want to know why all the ABC and E! reporters are acting as though they are gay.

And who is this "Jessica Alba" person, anyway? Is she supposed to be an actress, or simply a spokesmodel for the "Bulimics of America"?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

I'm sure Marwan is going to show up...with Jack Bauer right behind!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Dave-Did you write for this year's show?

[Betsy]

I'm happy to join the crew of devoted bloggers who feel qualified to comment on the evening despite not having seen any of the movies, or even being able to tell one three-named actres from another.
Fashionwise, I've already learned that wearing a dress with a neckline that plunges to the waist has the strange effect of making one's legs look incredibly short and stubby. I don't expect any of you males to have noticed, but, ladies, am I wrong???

[Wurm42]

Something of interest, the 2005 Razzie Awards, given to the worst movies of the year.

funny content, but annoying ads

[Eleanor]

I don't know who Jessica Alba is either. And on the E! channel, Isacc Mizrahi is gay, he was a fashion designer, and a very funny guy, IMO!

[Jeff Meyerson]

Capt.Pike: I was just saying that I don't get Jessica Alba at all. Glad I'm not alone out here.

What is up with Dolly's chin?

Am I the only one who noticed that Dolly has a chin?

Can't someone drop a canister or something not only on the Rivers clan but Billy (yes, I'm related; how else do you think I got a job?) Bush, please?

[Betsy]

Eleanor, you're looking just RADIANT tonight! Could you describe your gown for our viewers??

[LucyVanPelt]

Lmao.....I just went to my home page (excite.com) and saw at the top of the page one of the most current popular searches is Jessica Alba!

[Betsy]

Extraterristrials are landing in Hollywood...

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

I just saw Jessica in a movie last night. It was called something Blue set in the Bahamas. Kind of a treasure-hunt adventure thing. It was good, but it's not a contender.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Oh, it's a he hosts/she hosts switcheroo thing. Cute!

[Annie Where-but-here]

Isaac Mizrahi (for E!) got huge buzz for literally groping an actress as he was interviewing her at the Golden Globes. Disgusting, but people want to see what he'll do here.

Anyone taking any bets on which restaurant Kiefer will be schnockered at first thing tomorrow morning?

My pc is at the opposite end of the house from the nearest tv (sense?), so I'll try to be entertaining, but if I sound out of breath you'll know why.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

*snork* at Angelina Jolie

[Annie Where-but-here]

Omigosh - El - we should have called each other! Great minds think alike. At least our jewelry is different! Hey, are those Manolo Blahniks?

I missed the March of the Penguins guys, but I heard they dressed just like penguins.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

I can't believe Jack just killed President Manilow! How's he going to get away with THAT?!?

[slyeyes]

cute opening. But it could have used Uma and Oprah.

[Betsy]

*snork* at bjork:)

[slyeyes]

Who is George Clooney's date??

[bbescuela]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it true that no one has seen ANY of the nominated movies. Except the penguin one, of course.

And WHAT THE HELL is that thing on Charleze Theron's shoulder?!?!

[Wavey]

Well, it's no wonder that, as a conscientious (or at least conscious) Dad, you haven't seen any of the nominated movies. After all, "Academy Awards Show" anagrams to "...whom scares dad away."

(On a serious note, I just can't understand the people that take their little kids into R rated movies, and the theater employees that turn a blind eye to that! I remember seeing "Traffic," a really violent drug war movie, and here were these moron parents with their Y7-rated kids, who were crying their way through most of the movie. Brilliant.)

Oh, and "The Academy Awards" anagrams to "Sway a Detached Arm." In case you wanted to know...

[herb]

This should be fun -- especially since none of us seemingly have seen any of the films. What's up with Jonboy? He timing is off and he seems petrified!

[slyeyes]

I think Charlize has her own mini me non her shoulder.

[Wurm42]

Jeff- yes, yes you are the only man who noticed Dolly's chin.

And now Nicole Kidman is presenting- has anyone seen Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes tonight? Don't think they've emerged from scientology seclusion.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

I'm voting for George Clooney, 'cause that's the only movie I saw.

[KDFgirl]

Brokeback Mountain anagrams to:

A BACKBONE RIM NUT OK.

NTTAWWT.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

slyeyes: It's his mothe....WAIT! JACK JUST KILLED HER, TOO! ACK!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

YAY !!!! I saw that movie !!!!

[slyeyes]

TC Guy, no tv tonight?

[LucyVanPelt]

Has anyone even seen Syriana?

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

I know, I'm repeating myself.

PS Brokeback montage. *snork*

[slyeyes]

Someone give Dave a poke in the ribs; I think he fell asleep.

[Betsy]

Right on! "Proud to be out of touch" is my new motto!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

slyeyes: Aren't we watching 24? Am I missing something? Is there something else that everyone else is watching?

Wait! AUDREY IS CRYING! NOOOOOooOOoOoOoOOOoooOOO!!!!

[slyeyes]

Wow! George is in an all-male row. What a waste!

[Jemmy]

Did they just say that coming up is an Original Song nominee performance? Yikes. I'd forgotten about those. Are the singing dolphins too old to perform?

[Betsy]

I coulda swore they just offered a new Oil of Olay a&&hole treatment...maybe I need a drink

[Eleanor]

George gave a good speech, IMO. Went to the edge but didn't go over. YAY George.

[Betsy]

no no..."at home" Strike previous comment. (still need a drink...)

[Wurm42]

Okay, you're George Clooney. You've been nominated in 3 categories this year, all of them for serious, socially significant movies. You win Best Supporting Actor for "Syrianna." Why oh why do you keep bringing up BATMAN & ROBIIN in your acceptance speech?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Did someone say singing dolphins?!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Ben is too funny! Did he win for Zoolander?

[LucyVanPelt]

Green Suit Gag----> pretty damn funny!

[slyeyes]

El, how is this looking on HDTV?

[Jemmy]

Well, Tom Hanks' speech got me to pay attention.

[Betsy]

Spielberg just said, "No it's not"

[slyeyes]

Those weren't real animals in Lion Witch and Wardrobe?!?!?

[LucyVanPelt]

Dave, I didn't know that was Ben Stiller, I thought that was you!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

That wasn't a real giant ape in King Kong?!?!?!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

If I were them I'd forget the speech, and just get a picture with Ben in his onesie.

[WriterDude]

C'mon, Wallace and Grommet!

[slyeyes]

I bet Tim Burton would be scary to date.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

The curse of the WHO rabbit?

[WriterDude]

Yay!

[Jemmy]

Wallace? Wallace? Wallace?

Wallace!

[LucyVanPelt]

Wow...Dave, do have those ties?

[bbescuela]

Wallace & Grommit! I DID see an Oscar winner!

[LucyVanPelt]

oops make that do "you" have those ties?

[slyeyes]

?? Why is J Lo there?

[bbescuela]

Is Mr. Jennifer Lopez chewing gum?

[KDFgirl]

Was there an explosion at the feather factory?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Wow, I just watched Wallace and Grommit's movie for the first time right before the award show! Cool!

Oh, wait...I'm watching 24...Go, Edgar, Go!

[bbescuela]

Did Dolly get punched in the mouth on the way in?

[slyeyes]

If it weren't for the ramparts, Dolly would look anorexic.

[Renee]

Oh cool! There's an Oscar blog! Now I don't have to watch. (Not that I was going to.) But can I play any drinking games that come along if I don't watch?

[Jemmy]

Dolly's backup singers are doing the invisible thing better than Ben Stiller did.

[LucyVanPelt]

Dolly looks like she had that rib removal surgery. Very weird shape.

[KDFgirl]

Do Dolly and Michael Jackson have the same makeup artist?

[slyeyes]

Ummm.....WHAT was that? The bit with the remote control almost detonation.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Wait...I get it...NOW I see where First Cleavage got her influence from!

[slyeyes]

Dave I agree about the bow tie. I also think that if you deface your Oscar on stage, you should be immediate shot.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Sly, I don't know what that was. I totally lost track of the product on that one.

[Betsy]

Lucy...I think you're right. The first person I heard of who had that was Jane Fonda, during one of her many Phases.

[WriterDude]

*snork* at Jon's Scientology gag!

[Betsy]

My nominee for Live Action Shorts is that squid guy.

[Jeff Meyerson]

Jon should have stayed in NY. His opening was, for the most part, painfully unfunny.

And speaking of unfunny, could someone please kill Ben Stiller at once.

George Clooney gave a good speech - no laundry list of thank yous.

Hooray for Wallace & Gromit!

Spielberg just said, "No it's not"

Steve's right.

The first thing I laughed at - and nobody AT ALL in the theater did - was the Scientology gag.

[bbescuela]

The obligatory cartoon presenters bit.

[Jeff Meyerson]

At least WriterDude agrees with me.

[slyeyes]

OK, if you are a certain amount overweight, you should NOT wear that dress.

[slyeyes]

Jennifer looks lovely.

[bbescuela]

Jeff, I agree with you. OK?

[LucyVanPelt]

Not quite sure what to say about Colleen??

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Jen is sooo much classier than you-know-who. What was he thinking? (don't answer that)

[Betsy]

Jeff...I'm disappointed at Jon, but not terribly surprised. Hollywood never, ever takes itself quite as uniformly seriously as Washington does, so there's not as much deadly earnest pretense to target.

[slyeyes]

Colleen's gonna get the clarinet dart. She's talking too slowly.

[WriterDude]

No wonder wardrobe takes so long for actors.

[LucyVanPelt]

She enunciates very well.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Dave: If you remember, they DID hand out Oscars last year in the audience. They created a class system, as such. Awards that didn't merit someone actually going on stage...were handed out there. Crap. Utter crap.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't post anything funny. Yet. Sorry! ;)

Jeff: You're entitled to be wrong. It's ok. ;)

[WriterDude]

Wow, what was that, a cinqupost with Lucy, Lisa, Betsy and Sly? Even for live blogging, I'm gonna expect some applause for that from the guys... ;-)