Dave Barry's Blog

THE APOCALYPSE

It's getting closer.

(Thanks to Leetie)

YOUR RUGBY UPDATE

Plenty of action in Maroochydore.

ART UPDATE

 We'll take his word for it.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

VACATION DESTINATION OF THE DAY

Dublin, Ohio, home of hybrid corn inventor Sam Frantz.

(Thanks to Becky Kjorvestad, who sent this via snailmail, and said, "When I die, this is NOT how I want to be remembered." We are not 100% sure Sam would agree with her.)

UPDATE: Yegods! The fun never ends!

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE, IDEALLY STARRING PARIS HILTON

Cafeteria Hijinks at Fort Defiance High

(Via Mr. Gene Weingarten, and also Elaine at the Times-Dispatch)

FASCISM CREEPS INTO CANADA

Now they want to take away the fundamental human right to study the mating habits of flying squirrels.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

(This blog remembers the old days, when two out of every three items were sent in by Mike Zlotnick)

ATTENTION, TEXAS LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS

Relax. Have a beer, for heaven's sake.

(Thanks first to Kendall Avery)

UNFAIR BUSINESS PRACTICES

You hear about this sort of thing happening, but it never happens to us.

(Thanks to Chris Quinn)

UPDATE: Is this the "Illinois Department of Transportation"? London calling...

(Thanks to Mollenkamp)

FLORIDA

You never know who's at the door.

(Thanks to eleventy gajillion alert readers)

MARKETING QUESTION

Over the months, this blog has had a lot of harmless fun with this item. But this blog has also become genuinely curious: How long will they continue trying to sell a 2005 calendar? Will they ever give up on it? Or will they reduce the price in a shrewd attempt to attract buyers who are in the market for a 2005 calendar, but think ten dollars is too steep? And do they intend to come out with a 2006 model? If so, when? 2007? 2008?

UPDATE: These are also still available.

COUNTY DURHAM TRAFFIC ADVISORY

Be advised that Deadman's Lane has been closed to allow some hot toad lovin'.

FOR EVERY PROBLEM

...there is a simple solution.

ADVISORY TO RESIDENTS OF THE NASEBY WAY AREA

Stay indoors.

THE NATIONWIDE EPIDEMIC OF SNAKES THAT ARE WAY TOO BIG

It's getting worse.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT

You have our sympathy.

(Thanks to Tammy Korolnek)

UPDATE: Possible related news item, courtesy of Doug Brockmeier)

HOLD THE CYANIDE

Suddenly, a reason to go on living.

ASPEN

It's all about diversity.

(Thanks to Claire Martin, a Denver resident)

IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THERE, IT'LL COST YOU A QUARTER

The Big Apple is excited about its new pay toilets.

CELEBRITY UPDATE

The San Francisco public-health community loses a beloved member.

IT'S AMMO-LICIOUS!

The Marshmallow Shooter

(Thanks to Sue Cocking)

SCIENCE UPDATE

We have no idea what this is about. But clearly we should all be alarmed.

(Thanks to Will Dwayer)

SHOCKING 24 DEVELOPMENT

Not only did Audrey sell the schematics, but it turns out Chloe is actually an actress pretending to be Chloe.

(Thanks to Alan Beveridge)

FUTURE HIGH-PRICED EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

(Thanks to DavCat14, first)

IN KEEPING WITH OUR STRICT POLICY

We will not be blogging this guy's name but will instead blog his ova-donations.

(Thanks to Schadeboy)

YIKES

NOT FUNNY

Just weird.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

QUESTION FOR PARENTS

Does anybody know a good way to teach, let's say, a six-year-old how to ride a two-wheeler? Is there a better system than running along next to the child, holding the bike up and shouting "You're doing great!" in an insincere voice until you keel over from oxygen deprivation?

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

THERE IS NOTHING WORSE

...than a giant snake behind.

MESSAGE

Thank you for reading this blog. All of our bloggers are busy at this time. A blogger will blog something as soon as possible. This blog appreciates the hell out of your business, so please remain on hold and "chill" to some Easy Listening Hold Music.

AUDIO PRESS RELEASE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Click here and turn the sound on to hear about an exciting new product.

ADVISORY: This is probably not the best thing to listen to in your office.

UH-OH

This can't be good.

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

OK, YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH WORK FOR TODAY

Time to peruse some art.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

MEANWHILE IN MYSORE

Poison Basava is looking for a sponsor.

DO NOT TELL ANYBODY WHERE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS

...or this blog will have to shoot you in the thigh.

JUST WHEN YOU THINK ALL THE GREAT INVENTIONS HAVE ALREADY BEEN INVENTED

...along comes a product that makes you realize you are correct.

(Via Gizmodo)

AND THE SO-CALLED "FEDERAL GOVERNMENT" DOES NOTHING

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, always staying abreast on top of informed about discrimination)   

BUS DRIVER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Steve Allcock.  (Yes, Steve Allcock.)

(Thanks to Charley Delaney)

24

Here is where I believe the situation stands: Following last week's gas attack on CTU HQ, the Hobbit is dead. So is Tony, who is not to be confused with Tony Soprano, who is in a coma after getting shot by Uncle Junior. In addition, many nameless CTU staff extras are dead. Edgar also remains, tragically, dead. Audrey is still alive, prompting us to wonder where Uncle Junior is when we need him. Jack Bauer is also still alive and now holds the world indoor breath-holding record. The terrorists still have something like 18 Killer Kanisters, and evidently they will stop at nothing in their cruel and inhuman quest to make this particular plot thread last for the rest of this season. The president of the United States contunues to be a big girl's blouse and a complete handbag. Speaking of which, this item is still only $10.

Having missed the last two weeks, I'm depending on you keen observers out there to explain what is happening tonight. Since I have no idea what's going on, rather than put my clueless updates here in the main section, I'll put my comments down in the comments section, where they will mingle freely with yours. So I hope everybody is wearing protection.

WHAT THEY COULD USE TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD AT CTU WHILE THEY'RE DOWNLOADING THE SCHEMATICS FOR JACK

They could use a couple of these babies.

(Thanks to John Wohn)

REMEMBER

Tonight.

MOTORING UPDATE

In Florida, this animal would have immediately been granted a driver's license.

(Thanks to Mike Agostinelli)

BROKEBACK BUNNIES

(Thanks to Ben Coats)

URGENT UPDATE ON THE AUSTRALIAN TOAD WAR

Suddenly, this blog wants to go over there and lend a hand.

(Thanks to Karl Weckstrom)

AUSTRALIAN BATTLE CRY

Get out there and flog those toads.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ANOTHER TROUBLING DEVELOPMENT THAT I WAS NOT INFORMED OF

MAN

I leave the country for one lousy week and Tony Soprano gets shot? By Uncle Junior? I just found out last night! Why did nobody tell me? What the hell has the blog staff been doing?

URGENT ADVISORY TO WOMEN TRAVELERS

Do NOT go to the bathroom.

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Raging Hamsters