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February 20, 2006

TECHNOLOGY UPDATE

Now they tell me.

(Thanks to Will Dwayer)

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Heh. A signature eh. Make them sign a check

Does this mean people will start posting pictures of a machine signing books, and talking about how they "saw" Dave?

Press the flesh, it's the way to go. Although, the idea of a DaveRobot sounds pretty cool. And I'm not in any way connecting the previous blog with this one. Nope, no way.

I read one time that Steve Martin, in lieu of giving autographs, hands out business cards that say something like "I met Steve Martin in person and found him to be totally charming and handsome and generous."

I thought that was pretty funny and always thought it would be cool to have one of those.... Because signing autographs probably does get old....

*HEAD EXPLODES*

[rant deleted]

Maybe Ms. Atwood is afraid of rice krispies. I blame myself.

Awesome! I got my first first and a story blogged all in one day.

I need to run out and buy a lotto ticket, because I'm Lucky today.

trudging the publicity circuit as writers to press the flesh with the people who pay their wages ...

Yes, it's a tough life, yet not without its rewards of handknit embroidered thongs, rice krispie oosiks, and buffalo. I don't think a Davebot would be nearly as pleasant as strumpeting.

Alfred...check, heck! Go for a Last Will and Testament. Get Dave to sign over all his *snork* royalties to you. Get Stephen King to sign over the film rights to everything he writes from now on. Get Margaret Atwood to sign a document admitting publicly that she's an idle strumpet.
Think BIG!

Margaret Atwood ==>
Rot a warmed goat
Damage rat or two
Dame Tart war goo
idle strumpet

(okay, okay, that last one was from Betsy)


The pioneers had nothing on this lady. Imagine if Lewis and Clark had to fly across the U.S., forced to eat only from the minibar, too tired to call room service. Could they have made it?

I'm glad she became an author instead of something more taxing, like goat insemination. There's an idea... if the machine can mimic an author's signature, perhaps in the right hands it could get "DNA" from a goat.

"idle strumpet"

*giggling wickedly*

Ah-HA!

"Margaret Atwood" also anagrams to "dear to warm goat"!

And I bet you're gona be the first one to use this new technology, huh Dave?

If I really felt like it I could have him sign a book saying he helped write it. Thus making me millions.

By my book Dave Barry had a hand in it.

Couldn't you just as easily hire people to dress up in "Dave Suits" and appear simultaneously in all the malls? You know, like that Santa guy.

I'll have you know that we've been "pressing the flesh" with a Davebot since circa 1992. You know it's true, because I used the word "circa".

Think about it. Only a robot would have some sort of specification that requires blue shirts. All the sci-fi novels say so. Go ahead and check.

I wouldn't go so far as to claim that the Davebot has been writing all his columns and books. Clearly it's only been about half.

Still, we're happy, right? Should we somehow feel dumb to find out that a $428 kit from Radio Shack can keep us enthralled for almost 15 years and counting?

What kinda fool writes about technology like this without bringing a photographer along?

*snork* @ reneviht

Here's a photo!

wait 'till the President gets a hold of this technology, he'll never leave Crawford...

Barrybot Barrybot
sign me a book
inscribe it now
'to my closest friend'
Barrybot, Barrybot
it's good you can't look
just sign me another batch!

It needs a smily face head and some kind of arms.
Barrybot barrybot
I don't want to be
stuck in this
trap
you want me to be
BArry bot barry bot
Why do your eyes
glow red when you look
at me.

No more missing 24 ever again. And after all, isn't that what is most important? And think of the fun Sophie would have, drawing on walls long distance...

Hey Barrybot, I mean Dave! If you're thinking about using this new technology because book signings is taking a toll, drop me a line and I'll post my advice on my blog. You wont be disapointed, well maybe a little bit.

If I had the number for Ms. Atwood
I would tell her "my dear just stay put"

no flesh-pressing required, isn't that good?
don't wear out your hand or your foot

but please listen to this to the end
this message that comes from my heart

I'll hold the phone low, my pants I will rend
and that sound my dear, was a tele-fart.

Brilliant woman. "Pringle food object" is the best description of those imitation potato chips I've ever heard. She deserves the Booker prize for that phrase alone.

Margaret Atwood, what a brilliant woman. Seriously, imagine what I could do at school if I could just hand in homework using that thing. I'd never have to come to school..ever.

Dave, check out this site.

http://cuteoverload.com/

"It may well find favour among some writers and publishers." Like Dave Barry "Mark Hutchinson, a director of literary PR agency Colman Getty, said tours could be a huge boost to sales, but could be demanding on authors who had little time or had commitments that made it difficult to travel." Like the upkeep on a busy blog.

"'I can see that it would be an attractive proposition to simply sit and do the signing from their home,' said Mr Hutchinson." You know, like in your underwear, sipping coffee and/or beer.

And what did she make the "robot" out of? Drinking straws and packing tape? Yeah, I'd be so happy when I showed up to see my favorite author and something that looked like a pre-school art project signed my book. I might just be tempted to see if it could fly.

Well, Dave, you're almost home-free. Between the telesigning gizmo and this site, you've got it made.

Nice site Blue, although a little nonsensical. (just like dave!) If there were a little more variation, I might be okay with the end of the Dave Barry column.

It looks like that thing's made of straws and tape.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO ALL (ESPECIALLY ALFRED):

A message from dave you won't want to miss

http://www.careerbuilder.com/monk-e-mail/?mid=3863964

We told you!

Scatology is here to stay! Also, D. Leanord Barry's glasses are especially boss.


I hate Canadians!!!

V.L.R.B!!

Ian, I really think you should look into a "regime-change" in your personal life. Something is making you unusually angry and possibly even a little sad. You should look into a great new religious "movement". It's called Scatology, and you've come to the right place for help. Please check out the Febuary 18 thread about Tom Cruise for a Free Stress Test. Pithy comments to you.

DAVE WHERES THE 24 UPDATES?

Key Quote: IAN RANKIN: "I flew from Seattle to San Diego, which is about 3,000 miles, to do a book signing and not one person turned up - so I hung around for an hour, went back to the airport, and got back on a plane to Seattle."

According to Mapblast, the distance between San Diego and Seattle is 1256.9 miles. Maybe they moved it farther away for this guy?

Could Mr. Rankin be collecting miles on his airline charge card by circling the Space Needle?

Perhaps no one showing up for his meet & greet was an omen? I mean, Dave is top ten, but who ever rushed out at midnight to buy the latest Ian Rankin novel?

And haven't our government officials used a device called the AutoPen for years?


My first thought ... "you could literally do a book signing sitting on the toilet."

Which, of course, is the most appropriate way for Dave to use this technology. Think of it, Dave. This is history-making.

"Author protests low-flow toilets with book signing from throne," etc.

If I were you, I'd get busy on a new toilet book right away.

Pretty soon, no one will ever have to talk to or see anyone for any reason. Considering some of the people I know, that could be a good thing...

Yes the Cute Overload site is an accurate name. The ducklings picture with the dog.. That looks like my dog.

Thank you Adonis. The glasses did it best. Pasta reorganize Scatology forever. Root Beer for all.
You can't add Root in front of Chianti and get another beverage I can drink.

Honestly, what is the point of showing up at the signing if all you're seeing is a robotic pen and a screen with the author's face? Isn't she aware that you can buy autographed copies of some books from book distributors (and online dealers) anyway? We have signed copies of Louis Sachar's latest book, George R.R. Martin's latest, and various others, none of whom have been in our store. If people didn't want to do the meet and greet thing, just sign some copies for a distributor. It's not personalized, but then, neither is a robotic pen. And I don't know why no one showed up for Ian Rankin's signing. We get people to show up for authors that no one has ever heard of, like Paul Tag, author of this awesome thriller called Category 5. Anyway, that was a bit of a rant, but that is just about the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. If she's doesn't feel up to doing the whole meet and greet thing, maybe a bunch of her former fans won't feel up to going to a bookstore to pick up her books.

Gotta say though, I do enjoy the Steve Martin idea. Hehe.

Alfred, has anyone told you that you're easy?

Alfred: Yay, Pastafarianism.
Alfred 24 hours later: Yay, Scatology.
:-)

In the article, Mr. Taylor is quoted as making this meaningful comment:

"...at some point we have to leave the home and meet the people who pay our wages."

In the near future, I can see a review of Dave's latest opus that includes these words: "In his later years, Mr Barry is often heard to say, 'There's no place like the home.'"

Like I'm going to let a robot hug my son to get some fodder for it's presidential campaign....

Those of you unaware of what I'm on about, check the archives for January 30th blog...

I am a scatalogical Pastafanarianist. Also known as SP. So when ever you see Sp it means my religion gets a royalty check.

Why am I to blame here. I am trying to bring together. Not pull apart.

Dave, I know you're super busy, so I went ahead and signed my copy of 'Money Secrets' for you. Though I think it's best we not mention of the details to Mrs. Blog. She would NOT be a happy hippo.

Ugh! "...it's best we not mention ANY of the details..."for to which ze English for me is, how you say, sucks."

it could come in handy. you could pay bills that way, or, um, yeah. how about virtual people... dave, you could 'write' a book that way too. i'm sure youre working on your next one. what's the topic?

Annie - you may want to "adjust" the hippo comment in reference to someone whose good side we wish to remain on. I know where you're coming from, but I see danger ahead.

Oooh... Evidently Blue has referred to a woman of the female gender as a "hippo" before.

I always wondered why he was so blue. You know, down there. *ducks!*

uh, Annie, luv ya gf. but, that kinda steamed the glue off the ol' envelope, yano.

And mean....especially mean.

*geese!*

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