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February 07, 2006

COOL

(Thanks to Euel "Euel Ball" Ball)

February 06, 2006

24

Here is the situation as we begin tonight's episode:

Jack Bauer, the person solely responsible for protecting the United States from terrorism, faces the deadliest menace he has ever encountered: Audrey. Jack has discovered that he still has feelings for her, which can mean only one thing: Jack needs to have his vision checked.

Speaking of which, we're concerned that Jack has gone soft on us, because last week he totally failed to gratuitously remove an eyeball belonging to Walt Cummings, the exposed weasel mole aide to President Manilow, who continues to be a horse's ass with a shirt collar at least three sizes too large for his neck. Meanwhile, terrorists from the former Soviet nation of Formersovietnationistan have gotten hold of canisters of nerve gas. We frankly find it hard to believe that this is the real threat, but it's all we have to work with at the moment, tensionwise.Something big had better happen tonight, or we're going to start seriously asking ourselves, as concerned Americans, what else is on TV.

UPDATE: Bruce Jenner? Skating on TV? What the hell is happening to this nation?

UPDATE: Years from now, a grandmother will tell her grandchildren, "Kids, I once played a dancing tomato in a Whopperette commercial." And the grandchildren will edge out of the room.

UPDATE: Yes! Graphic violence!

UODATE: Chloe is set up for the trace.

UPDATE: Jack is NEVER going to gouge this guy's eye out! Man.

UPDATE: Gosh. You think Jack's gonna quit?

UPDATE: They want to use the gas. That's how it is with gas: You get it, you want to use it.

UPDATE: Subplot alert! The Hobbit has a crazy sister.

UPDATE: Jack has been given full autonomy.

UPDATE: Jack is going to the penthouse. They're going to reconfigure the codes! He's running out of time! He needs vectors! It's hard to get good vectors these days.

UPDATE: Edgar is jealous of Spenser.

UPDATE: Audrey talked for like 35 seconds there without weeping.

UPDATE: Apparently you can use motorcycle tools to reconfigure the canisters. Let's hope the Hell's Angels don't find out.

UPDATE: The First Cleavage is accompanied by spooky music.

UPDATE: She slapped him, and I think he liked it.

UPDATE: I get the feelting that any minute now the First Lady is going to order, say, the invasion of Canada, and she will get it, because President Manilow doesn't want to get slapped again..

UPDATE: Do not mess with Chloe, OK?

UPDATE: Jack is going in. This better be graphic, dammit.

UPDATE: Unit one is going number one.

UPDATE: He made him interlock his fingers! That has to hurt.

UPDATE: Jack was clearly attracted to the mystery young woman. He didn't shoot at her once.

UPDATE: Reconfiguring canisters is boring.

UPDATE: That shop guy is sooooooooooo dead.

UPDATE: Nothing for the pain! That's our Jack.

UPDATE: He wants a lawyer! Har.

UPDATE: Go down that road, Jack!

UPDATE: Dang the Hobbit.

UPDATE: Does Hobbit have one "t," or two?

UPDATE: One. Whew.

UPDATE: A transponder! Good idea. 

UPDATE: Jack draws the line at 15.

UPDATE: Chloe is mighty weird. MIghty weird.

UPDATE: The First Cleavage is currently running the world.

UPDATE: UH-oh. Mike knows something.

UPDATE: So much for the weasel.

UPDATE: Is it just me, or is this plot moving kind of sloooooooooooowwwwwwwww? I mean, take the canisters, please. How long does it take to reconfigure a canister?

UPDATE: Subplot time!

UPDATE: Hobbit down!

UPDATE: Only 15, and already she has a bad fake accent. Kids today.

UPDATE: Trust me, says Jack. My plans never go wrong.

UPDATE: They shot the shop guy. Never saw that coming.

UPDATE: It's hard to find somebody to install an encoded binary chip.

UPDATE: That's some good shootin', li'l gal!

UPDATE: Next week, they're going after a MALL. Those bastards.

CAR CARE IN NEW ZEALAND

Polly want to be chopped?

(Thanks to Michael Greenspan)

DISASTER NARROWLY AVERTED

The world is safe once again.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

SPEAKING OF ...

Pavlov's Cockroach WBAGNFARB

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

24 UPDATE

Tonight's episode features a presidential contender, who, incredibly, does not get shot or stabbed by Jack Bauer.

(Thanks to wordsure)

YOUR CARROT OR YOUR LIFE

Watch out for the giant German bunny.

(Be sure to click on Enlarge image.)

(Thanks to Mollenkamp)

A GAME THE BLOG WOULD PROBABLY PAY MONEY TO LOSE

The Cockroach of the Sea Productivity Enhancer

(Thanks to Eren Brumley)

EAGLE COUNTY, COLORADO...

...land of excitement.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ATTENTION, MUSICAL ARTISTES

Be advised that this band name is taken.

WHEN TOILETS ARE OUTLAWED

...only outlaws will have toilets.

SNAKES MAKING NEWS

Missy Hissy is on the loose. If she doesn't shut down a pipeline, she might wind up being served with pancakes.

February 05, 2006

SUPER BOWL ANAGRAM UPDATE

Several days ago this blog noted that SEATTLE SEAHAWKS can be rearranged to spell WEAK-ASS ATHLETES, and asked you to come up with an equally good anagram for PITTSBURGH STEELERS. I have analyzed your submissions, in consultation with a team of internationally recognized anagram experts in the form of Mr. Gene Weingarten. Gene and I agree the the three best anagrams for PITTSBURGH STEELERS are:

-- LESS BIG PETER THRUST
-- SUPERB RIGHT TESTES

...and one other one that I cannot print here in the blog (LET'S PET SHITBURGERS).  Congratulations to those of you who participated in this vital effort. Pleae enjoy the game responsibly.

(Thanks to Bismuth, Paul Levine and tron)

(NOTE: We failed to check to be absolutely sure that these are all real anagrams. But at this point, we do not care.)

GOT ANY OLD BAND INSTRUMENTS YOU DON'T NEED?

Here's a guy who can help you put them to good use.

(This is a serious post. We apologize for any confusion this causes, and will resume normal blogging shortly.)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Even for them, this is low.

THE BIG GAME

Walter is ready.
Photo_020506_002

February 04, 2006

WE ARE NOT SURE WHAT THIS ARTICLE IS ABOUT

But we know we don't care.

(Thanks to Sarah C.)

NOOOOOO(CONT'D)

(Thanks to Poop Dogg)

STRUMPET UPDATE

UPDATE: Update

February 03, 2006

SUPER BOWL ANAGRAM CHALLENGE

Oscar Bartos, who states that he lives in Seattle, points out that SEATTLE SEAHAWKS  can be rearranged to spell WEAK-ASS ATHLETES. In the interest of fair play and good sportsmanship, this blog is asking for anagrams for PITTSBURGH STEELERS.

SPEAKING OF WHALE VOMIT

It turns out to be an excellent investment.

UPDATE: It turns out that vomit in general has a role in the War on Terrorism.

(Yes, "Vomit in General" would be a good name for a rock band.)

UPDATE: We have been informed that judi already blogged the first item. Our apologies! She will be fired.

COOL

(Thanks to John Benham)

SOME PEOPLE HAVE A LOT OF SPARE TIME

Fortunately, they're putting it to good use.

LIMITING YOUR OPTIONS

LESSON ONE

(WARNING: Contains a Bad word)

(Thanks to Bryce Donovan)

IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN EVENTUALLY

Guess who is appearing on Minor Celebrities Dancing Badly Dancing With the Stars tonight.

(Thanks to Elizabeth Brooks)

PEOPLE PAY MONEY FOR THIS?

Find Dining.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

ATTENTION, LADIES LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT MAN

You could search your entire life and never find someone like this.

(Thanks to Karen W., who recommends the "hair" option.)

KILLER WHALES: SMARTER THAN TV "REALITY"-SHOW PARTICIPANTS?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using airborne crocodiles, which would be a good name for a rock band.

(Thanks to Doug Boeringer)

FOR THAT SPECIAL GAL ON VALENTINE'S DAY

Give the gift that says: "You should see a doctor."

(Thanks to Blair Keel)

WHY WE LOVE SCIENTISTS

Only they could think up a scheme whereby we fight pollution using a critter whose primary environmental activity is pooping all over the environment.

WHY THIS IS THE GREATEST DARNED NATION ON THE WHOLE DARNED EARTH

Technology.

(Via Gizmodo)

HERE'S HOW WE STRAIGHTEN OUT THIS ETHICS MESS IN CONGRESS

We fine them. In cows.

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using jellyfish.

(Note: We have the vague feeling that this might have been blogged already. But we cannot be too careful in matters of national security.)

BREAKING NEWS IN SOUTH FLORIDA

Be on the lookout.

February 02, 2006

TOURIST DESTINATION OF THE DAY

Hong Kong

(Thanks to Ken Morgan)

IMPORTANT SUPER BOWL TOILET ADVISORY

Football great Mike Ditka, who we hope is getting a vast sum of money for this, has advice on handling the crucial Halftime Flush.  But whatever you do, DO NOT TAKE YOUR HANDGUN INTO THE BATHROOM. Also be sure to check the bowl for terrorist devices.

HAPPY BELOVED WIVES DAY!

First Golden Rule: No grunting.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Raynebow of the message board, aka Laura McEwan)

HOLY BULLETIN, BATMAN

Talk about your typecasting.

(Thanks to 80 billion people)

February 01, 2006

TRAVEL UPDATE

I was just in an airport men's room occupied by one other person, a man standing at a urinal. It was totally silent, when suddenly the man yelled, apparently at the urinal: "DAMMIT, WARD! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE!"

I hope he was wearing a telephone headset. But I did not stick around to find out.

WMD UPDATE

The good news is, the Pentagon has developed a pain-ray-sonic-blaster-laser dazzler (via Gizmodo). The bad news is, it's only only a matter of time before the terrorists develop the capacity to retaliate by combining this with this.

WHY WE LOVE THE INTERNET

Reason number 93

(Thanks to Tamara Rhymes With Camera via someone called "Mimi Smartypants")

"BOB, I NEED THAT REPORT RIGHT NOW! BOB? HEY, HAS ANYBODY SEEN BOB?"

Bob is busy right now.

(Via Gizmodo)

TUPPERWARE UPDATE

In response to the outpouring of requests (one, that we know of), here is the Tupperware Song as it appears on the cd Stranger Than Fiction, available at Don't Quit Your Day Job Records.

(Thanks to Albert Franquiz of the Miami Thundertechs for his unfailingly patient assistance.)

 
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