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February 27, 2006

ON THE ONE HAND...

...this seems like a good idea. On the other hand, it seems to be telling children they should wipe their butts with a puppy.

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I've always found that hamsters are more absorbent and easier to flush down the....

*needle on the record scratching noise*

*backs out of the room slowly*

But, Dave, as an experienced parent of a child aged 4-9, surely you remember how hard it is to keep an actual puppy on the little holder in the bathroom.

Also, when was the last time you found a puppy with a pleasant watermelon scent like these flushable moist wipes?

I for one am offended. Who does Kimberly-Clark think he/she is to assume knowledge of the "proper" amount of tissue? Isn't this a subjective matter? Like whether or not the TP should dispense from the top or the bottom?

And IMHO, guinea pigs would make a better graphic due to their natural quilting.

The flushable moist wipes have a fresh watermelon scent

So, kids can now wipe their butts with not just regular puppies, but puppies that smell like watermelon!

I've had a lot of dogs in my day, and not one of them smelled like watermelon. Not that I would have wanted them to, I'm just sayin'.

KDFg - the amount of TP is in part determined by whether you are on sewer or septic. If you have to pay to have the tank pumped out or the field lines re-done, you'll become a "tight wad".

Simple rule KDFgirl--"dispense from the top, use on the bottom."

This is just the sort of "hygienic" information that Big Brother/Sister Kimberly-Clark wants you to learn. Now hold still while they implant the puppy-shaped, watermelon-scented, brain-control electrodes.

"OK, kids -- time to follow the example of the iconic yellow Labrador puppy, and go poop in the yard!"

First of all, did anyone notice that the name of the contact person (bottom of page) was Dave Dickson?

Seondly, as a cost-conscious consumer, I refuse to buy one type of TP for my kids and another type for me. And since I won't wipe my rear with paper that has a puppy printed on it, the kids can dang well use the plain stuff I buy for the household.

Please! My cats paw the roll to shreds as it is. Now we're gonna put paw prints and a little character on them? Why not just go all the way and add "shred here"? Or sell us pre-shredded rolls and be done with it!

*Breathes deeply, counts to ten, wipes foam from mouth....*

What is it with these people and puppies? Even for their non-4-to-9-year-old audience, they think puppies are the best way to sell TP, apparently:

http://www.cottonelle.com/products/ripples.asp

KDFgirl - This is yet another nefarious conspiracy by the same miscreants that brought us "low-flow" toilets and boxers with no crotch-buttons. Just who the hell do they think they are, leaving your Mr. Winklesworth hole flapping open in the breeze? They're just waiting, with their evil little pointy-toothed grins for you to forget to zip your fly, so you can flash god and country with your jangly bits! And don't even get me started on...

Wait, what was the topic?

I gotta admit, I'm a little confused here. So I'm not supposed to use a puppy for hygiene? Even though puppies are softer and more absorbent than bunny rabbits? Well then, eactly what should I use? The pressure-washer in the garage?

And don't you love Dave's headline for this? *SNORK*

"...found that child perineal hygiene is a significant area of concern for parents."

Well, that's a nice way of putting it.

Also: Fed's "needle on the record scratching noise" -- LOVE it!

*SNORK* at y'all

*ring*
"Hello?"
"Yeah, Jim? It's Carl. Can you come get your son Mike?"
"Is something wrong? I thought it was a sleep-over?"
"I guess you could say something is wrong. He just crapped on our dog."
"Oh, I'm sure he was just wiping."
"Yeah. Just come get him, okay."
*click*

randum, Darlin', use this.

Isn't this sort of toilet training likely to lead to very specific kinds of psycotherapy and/or veterinary services later in life?

Aunt Nancy: I'm pretty much with you on the conspicuous over-consuming, but wouldn't you pay a premium to use TP displaying the face of, say, Simon Cowell or The Dreaded and Probably Evil-Genius Barry Manilow?

BM: My dog actually eats TP right off the roll. He doesn't smell at all like watermelon, though. He prefers to go with just a dab of Chanel No. 5 on pulse points. NTTAWWT. Or is there?

You know what? *Many snorks* for spinner8!

Psychotherapists of the world, I apologize for the spelling error in my previous post. I will e-mail you an iconic yellow lab to make up for it if you want.

Aw shucks, TamaraRWC, now I'm blushing (or is that flushing, I can never remember).

By the way, here's a frivolous fact: According to a 1999 survey by the Scott Paper Company, more than sixty percent prefer that their toilet paper roll over the top, twenty nine percent from the bottom. Eleven percent don't care.

I maintain that, in the case of over-the-top vs from-underneath toilet paper, whoever puts the roll actually ON the toilet paper holder is correct. My husband prefers the from-underneath method of hanging, but then he also prefers to just leave the new roll sitting on the side of the tub. Since I actually put the roll on the holder... well, you see my point.

Big snork at (for?) Christobol.

spinner8: This sounds like a job for the Dog Whisperer! [Activates Dog Whisperer signal, which is just like the bat signal but with a guy whispering to a dog instead of a bat-shaped thingie.]

Also, I second the snork for FedDuck's sound effect.

Let me be the first to say, "Awwww. Puppies!"

Would Butt Puppies bagnfarb? I'm thinking yes.

Off-Topic:

I hope you're all happy, because I can no longer dip tea bags into mugs of hot water without smirking. Bastards!

Chianca, you've got the right idea, as long as the dog doesn't mind sharing his bathroom with the kids.

But, I have a couple of problems with the whole premise of this product, first, these 4-9 year olds can program and operate the VCR, TIVO, computer, video games and outer planet space probes and they need to have instructions on where to tear off TP? Second, how many 4-9 year olds pay attention to ANYTHING they are told by ANYONE?

Snork @ Dave & Christobol

Who would've thought toilet paper would excite such passions so early in the morning? (I know early is relative...I stayed up late trying to get to the end of Mutant X. Finally gave up at 2 a.m.)

I agree with Aunt Nancy - one type tp for everybody.

However, 'value added' is a corporate buzz word (phrase) meaning 'how to get the consumer (that's us) to pay more for the same product. Otherwise, why would I go to Starbucks and pay $5 for a cup of fancy coffee that costs $1 at McDonalds and $.10 at home.

Finally, when my kids were 'transitioning' from diapers to toilet usage, I would've paid ANY amount of money for any gimmick to get them to use the toilet.

Tamara RW Ouch, let me say for all of the males of the guy gender, please don't mention hot water and tea bags together again!

Labby, I tried dipping them into mugs full of luke-warm, lavendar-scented water, but it didn't taste so great.

I also tried shoving them directly into my mouth, but I kept getting funny looks. And it still didn't taste so great.

Maybe this will start a new marketing trend - yellow Lab puppies for number one, black Lab puppies for number two.

*snork* at T rw Funny!

Did I miss something I should know about making tea with tea bags?

(pausing in mid sip)

"...found that child perineal hygiene is a significant area of concern for parents."

Brings up such fond memories of my mother reminding me to clean behind my ears and make sure my perineum is spotless.

daisymae, you haven't heard about the "don't ever, ever ask" rule, have you? ;)

MOTW - and Chocolate lab puppies for......

UTIs? Diarrhea?? "Feminine Protection???

Lairbo - Hey, I say they should be allowed to wear whatever makes them happy, assuming they're paying for it. My cats prefer Obsession™, or sometimes Tuna 'n' Liver.

And, I believe, the Supreme Court has definitively ruled (in Brown vs. Microsoft) that the Constitution guarantees the right of citizens to choose the direction in which their toilet paper unrolls, thus forcing Microsoft to abandon a monopolistic plan (Code name: WipeOut) to break into a completely different market through mass sales of low-priced patented unidirectional rolls and holders that were compatible only with each other.

Since we're on the subject of personal hygiene - I'd like to take a vote:

How many of you crumble the tp before using it?

And how many of you actually fold the tp so as to avoid any incidents of fingerspokingthru? (Not that I know anything about that. Nope, no sir. Not me!)

None of this really reminds me of the following joke, but I feel like telling it anyway.

Bear and rabbit in the woods. Bear -- ahem -- answering the Age-Old Question, as it were. Rabbit -- ahem -- making jellybeans, as it were.

Bear: "Do you ever have a problem with" [ahem] "sticking to your fur?"
Rabbit: "No."

So the bear -- ahem -- uses the rabbit as Charmin, as it were.

(It's quicker to tell if you use dirty words instead of clearing your throat a lot.)

Di, I fold. But that's because I'm obsessive compulsive.

Announcer: Next up, random will attempt to tie together TRWC's off-thread comment with the current thread, cause everyone to say EEEWWWWW and change their eating habits, all with one sentence. Let's watch...

TRWC, you might have trouble with a nice cup of tea, but I have had trouble with salads for years.

*realizes too late that he should have made a funny about trying to fold a puppy*

Random: That's not nearly as bad as the problems I've had with roast beef!

Nope, Sgirl, I missed that rule.

Get your notebooks out, kids, it's lesson time.....

2 points for the Folders! WAHOOOOO!

My friends and I had this conversation a while back and I was amazed as to how many people actually crumple the TP. I'd be too afraid of exposing my digits to the land of the unspoken!

Random: re your link

(hands over ears, eyes closed, hmmmmmmmmmmm)

what everyone is missing, is that when potty training kids, as opposed to puppies, getting them to wipe at all, with anything, AND flush the potty is priority. i'd invest way more money in a shock collar system than cutesy t.p.

or is that just my kids...?

Anyone else a little ooged by the number of times the word "moist" is used?

No?

Just me?

Okay then.

>> help children learn the proper amount of bath tissue and moist wipes to use after going to the bathroom.


Anyone else see a problem with the toilet paper company teaching kids how much toilet paper to use? Something tells me Kimberly-Clark wants you to use 'a lot.'

Kids, after using a ream of Cottonelle toilet paper, be sure to use several Cottonelle for Kids Moist Wipes. Otherwise, the iconic yellow labrador puppy will die.

All, I much prefer perineals when planting flowers in MY garden -- annuals are WAY too much trouble.

And Angie, I like the way you think............

I was so pleased as I read all the comments that my FIRST thought on reading the article hadn't been already posted, but now I'm wondering if that's because it's so lame *sigh*, butt *tee hee* or should that be *tee pee*, I'm going to say it anyway -

Shouldn't the "where to tear" be on a sliding scale? Different "scoops" for different poops??
/end amusing myself

daisymae, I personally have NEVER clicked on the "teabag" link because I know from the comments of some that it is waaaaaaaaaay over the top of grossness, even for this group. Same thing for something that I think is called a "dirty Sanchez". Be careful. :)

No, dirty sanchez is 80 to 2,000 percent worse than tea-bagging.

And I'm not clicking on anybody's naughty links!

My mother was never obsessed with my perineal region. She was obsessed with me putting my underwear in the actual hamper as opposed to having it hang out close by, with me not playing doctor with boys next door and with me and my brothers not playing shoot the boy next door with the bb gun (the guy next door was Dick Cheney which led to all sorts of problems later in life). But not once was she obsessed with my perineal region.

I wonder how I was ever toilet trained.

Am I the only mother who read that and imagined scores of parents clinging to their pollsters, crying, "HELP! My child doesn't know how to wipe! Help! I can't handle this major problem without corporate assistance! O my god, the toilet papermanity!"

Honestly, if your child uses 6 or even 10 sheets, instead of 5, the world will not end.

This kind of smear campaign against puppies just has to be eliminated.

Children 4-6 years old. Reinforcing toilet training. Give children 4-6 years old toilet paper with doggies on it, even iconic ones, and they will unroll the whole thing to see how many puppies there are and then go back to saving the universe by jumping off chairs while dressed as superman.

Don't have time to read the whole thread before German class (and not sure I want to) but I must say that Kleenex Cottonelle w/ cushy ripples is the best TP ever. Not that that's important or anything. Oh well.

Bumble - before you go (har!), what's your opinion: which side of the TP is meant to be applied to the, um, bum?

The ripply side?

D*mn! Why don't they give instructions with these things!?

I guess they figure such things are user's choice. Or self explanatory. :-)

Guess I'm doing laundry tonight....

"...found that child perineal hygiene is a significant area of concern for parents."

T'aint nothin' ta be worried about!

Puppies?

Seems to me that these "paper products" folks are taking a page (har?) from Rabelais ... I think (hey, it was a LONG time ago, when I read that stuff) it was Pantagruel who expounded upon the relative merits of geese ... for such purposes ... merely sayin' ...

AND ...

I have an essay on this very subject, which I have been writing/rewriting for quite some time now ... it's still a work in progress, but (!) it addresses several of the questions offered by various posters ... PROBLEM IS ... it's WAY TOO LONG to post here ...

I'd be comfortable with sharing it with y'all, but only on an email basis ... so, if'n ya wanna read it, you'll hafta ask ... and I'll send it to you ...

Otherwise ... if you don't, I won't ...

... or, it might've been ducks, instead of geese ... I dismember fer shure ...

"On the one hand..." hahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Frankly, this looks more like a conspiracy to turn a generation of children into wet wipers (and watermelon wet wipers at that) than anything else. Seems to me, if you wanted to sell paper, toilet seat covers for the home would be the low hanging fruit. No?

TamaraRWC: grossed out by commercials featuring (male) athletes with milk mustaches. Just sayin...

This is evil. The first thing kids will do is unravel the entire roll to see if any of the puppies are 'different.' Some guys will also do this, but that's what's known as 'planned adolescense.

Somewhat unrelated note - there's a condition, "DBVL", related to sleep apnea that affects only males who sleep on their backs. Apparently it can result in loud snoring and, in extreme cases, decreased oxygen flow to the brain. It occurs when the ahem, dangly bits hang down and block the anus. This essentially causes a vapor lock situation, and the man unconsciously snores loudly in an attempt to remedy the situation. "DBVL" - Dangly Bits Vapor Lock.

U.O.

you're workin' on an essay the topic of which is geese and or ducks as toilet paper?

have you managed to obtain government funding for your project?

After reading this story I could only think one thing. You put Barney the Dinosaur on that TP and I'LL use it!!

I heard Republican toilet paper comes with instructions, too.

You must tear here areas-- bad idea.

My sister only learned to clean up after I told her to wrap her hand in clean TP first, to avoid an Oops. That took more than 5 sheets.

I got trained very early, after I ate a 1 lb. box of raisins and my mother informed me that I was going to learn how to use the Big Girl Potty. Again, took more than 5 sheets.

Kid, 5 sheets... nah.

TCK ...

Nope, on the funding ... totally on spec ... ackshully ... more of a "just for fun" writing exercise ... if I could find the correct "outlet" (HAR!) for it ... mebbe then some $ would "flow" (HARRR!) ...

No, ducks and geese can stay with Rabelais ... my essay has (in part) TP, proper installation, guy-type attitudes, mental games played with mental blocks, the tube-thingy inside the TP roll, proper disposal (Har?) techniques of same ... and stuff like that there ... no ducks ... no geese ... mebbe a fox or two, depending upon selected "reading" material whilst using St. John the Divine ... that's about it ...

's OK with me U.O.

if you want my input, the proper place for the roll of toiletpaper is either on the edge of the bathtub, or on the back of the toilet - that roller thingy is just a waste of my valuable time

Oh, Timothy.

*exasperated*

A huge *snork* at Annie for DBVL

A huge *snork* at Annie for DBVL.

Agreed.
Butt (running joke) (double pun), where do you learn this stuff Annie?
You're scaring me.

Timothy - define 'valuable time.'

i saw that stuff in the grocery last nite. are parents soooooo stupid that they cant toilet train their kids without help?? i'm a geezer... they gonna develop geezer brand tp for me and my boomer age-mates... you know with pics of the stones, beatles, dead, etc...
if there's a market, these idiots will find it.

"Timothy" *snork*

OK, I'm not gonna respond to "Timothy", cuz you guys picked the wrong one of the 12 names that's actually mine

Yeah, TCK ... every time somebuddy says "Timothy" I gotta look around to see who(m) they're talkin' at ... of course, since I know your "real" (stage) name ... that's whut confuses me ...

But then (!) ... I'm easily confused ... merely sayin' ...

Yeah..."value added", my a$$. I see this is a colossal example of capitalism run rampant (not rampart). But what the original post did for me was shore up my professional pride: I may spend my days writing corporate speeches, newsletters, etc. for a giant hospital network, but at least I don't have to craft eminently reasonable-sounding and seriously concerned narratives about how the fine folks at Kimberley-Clark stand ready to Meet the (newly discovered) Needs for TWO kinds of cutesy-tootsie personal hygiene products for the 4-9 year old demographic.
Frankly, I think TISWWT;)

Yeah, Bets' ... marketing, marketing, marketing ... disappointing (to moi ownself, NEway) that our technological advancement is dedicated to this sort of "skill" ...

(Snickers -- I address this very question (top, bottom, et cetera in my essay, cited earlier ... merely sayin' ...) and it's interestin' to see that 60 percent of the survey group is in dire need of education/conversion ... whilst only 29 percent are intelligently and logically aware of the proper methodology ... )

Sorry, Timothy, that nickname has appeared in no fewer than 6 threads since it was first mentioned (some in which you weren't even present,) so I think you're stuck with it. Besides, it was Bumble's idea and we like her.

U.O - I would be honored to accept a copy of your work-in-progress....not just sayin'.

*sigh*

you're right, it was Bumble's idea wasn't it? And since I seem to be physically incapable of gettin' mad at Bumble for anything, and since i love her best, i'll put up with from her

the rest of you i will simply ignore

Oops, sorry...didn't notice you were ignoring me.

Aw c'mon. Do you honestly think they actually talk to people when they do polls?

*Hey Harvey - we got this new product. Wanna be my poll group?*
*Sure Bob - who am I supposed to be?*
*You are a 4 year old with hygiene problems. And y'know, I've been telling you about your weight problem, I think I'm gonna count your opinion at least 47 times cause of the extra poundage, k?*
*Whatever Bob. When we're finished, I need you to be my poll for the 7-9 year olds who want additional oral hygiene options combined with media marketing tools. We're doin' a whole line of toothbrushes with TVs imbedded in them.*

Timothy, I count two responses from you in 44 minutes, even with competing threads. This does not qualify as ignoring.

Timothy, I gotta agree with KDFgirl. Although I don't have much experience at being ignored.

*snork* at Annie. I believe you.

Timothy- If you'll tell me which one was real (or tell me if my guesses are right), I'll put a stop to it. Until then...

*smiles in an adorable and irresistible manner*

OK, the problem with ignorin' people is that it makes it really, really hard to get the last word in...

that, and some chicks are either too hot or too annoying to ignore - some are too hot AND too annoying...

Yeah, "Timothy" ... but sometimes that "annoyance" is ... um ... sorta ... OK ... yaknowwhutImean?

Bumble - now where would be the fun in that?

besides, you might've noticed that I kinda like bein' the center of attention (especially the center of people's attention who smile in such an adorable and irresistible manner)

U.O. - I know exactly what you mean - doesn't make it fair tho

TCK

Thanks to this thread, I now know what the TC stands for-Thomas Crapper!- but what does the K mean?

*nods and smiles in satisfied alpha-wolf manner (thanks to adonis, see below) at both Annie and Bumble, knowing we ALL fit in Timothy's latter category*

Hot AND annoying. Uh huh!

Maybe the posse's metafor should be an alpha wolf. Think about it: strong, fast, dominant, and looks great in a pair of jeans! (attempt to suck-up and lessen punishment)

Posted by: adonis | 09:54 PM on February 26, 2006

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