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February 24, 2006

FURTHER ADVENTURES IN FATHERHOOD

Today is my daughter's 6th birthday. Her mom is far away in Italy,  but she of course prepared for today before she left, wrapping presents and so on. What she could NOT do was get the cupcakes. By federal law, when your kindergartener has a birthday, you have to take cupcakes in to the class so the class can get frosting smeared all over itself. My wife got the plates, napkins and boxed drinks ahead of time, but she could not get the cupcakes, and this is KILLING her, because it means she has to leave the getting of the cupcakes to me. And while she trusts me to deal with trivial matters such as the mortgage and the income taxes, she just KNOWS that I will somehow screw up the cupcakes. Since she left for the Olympics, we have had roughly 50 telephone conversations, and in those conversations she has said the word "cupcakes," I would conservatively estimate, 63,500 times. Because she does NOT want me to forget the cupcakes.

So in case she is reading this: Honey, I forgot the cupcakes. Sorry!

No, really: I GOT THE CUPCAKES. I ordered them from the Publix supermarket. I selected vanilla frosting with sprinkles and a gender-neutral little plastic happy-balloon ring gizmo stuck on top. I rejected the King Kong ring, even though I wanted it very much. That is the kind of sensitive and caring father I am.

UPDATE: The cupcakes were a big hit. Or, to be accurate, the cupcake frosting was a big hit. Turns out kindergarteners don't use the cupcake for anything other than a Frosting Delivery Platform (FDP). You could bring your frosting in on top of rocks, or pine cones, or tame (or frozen) squirrels, and the kids would just lick the frosting layer off and leave the naked FDP for you to dispose of.

Comments

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Dave - This is urgent! You are obviously in What-if-I-screwed-something-up panic mode alert condition, as evidenced by your use of the term "Fathergood" and "Okympics". You need to check the birthday cake NOW and make sure it doesn't say something like "Happy Birthday Soapie"!

It's good to know that SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE has a trustworthy husband - congrats, Mrs. Blog!---grammaw marina

And, duh, BTW - Happy Birthday to Sophie! Have joy! And cupcakes!

OK, you fixed the "FatherGood", that's a good start.

It doesn't say "fathergood" anywhere...unless he cheated and edited it. Which he should not be allowed to do, since WE can't edit our effing comments, to my great frustration.

Why, though, BUY the cupcakes? Isn't that sorta taking the impersonal way out of parenthood? Shouldn't you have to MAKE the cupcakes?
--
Words of the Sentient:
Justice.....A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service. --Ambrose Bierce

You're getting there......"Olympics" is better......

You should have ordered an extra for yourself. With the King Kong ring. And enough to cover dinner tonight. Possibly breakfast tomorrow morning. The perfect excuse to have cupcakes for breakfast.

I might worry about the next headlines out of S. Florida if Dave resorts to making the cupcakes in his very manly sort of way, which would probably involve cooking them with an acetylene torch, under the watchful eye of Walter!

kaz, it is also illegal in florida to provide homemade food items to public school children during school hours. seriously. health issues. it's okay to bring lice from home to share though.

free-range lice?

KAZ - I, well, swear I am not making it up. The man or the stealth blogerette are fixing it on the fly, and are no doubt cursing my name for pointing it out in full view of EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE. But that's not the important thing. The important thing is the name on the cake! (Or.....maybe it's the frosting).

*snork* at Blue for the "Happy Birthday Soapie!"

Do the FL regulations about homemade food in schools extend to lunches, too, or just class hours? Does this mean no one can bring lunch in a brown bag to school?

Whooohoooo! Simulpost with Blue!

Words of the Sentient: Where is the bathroom?

MiK - Have Joy!

WTG, Dave!

But I gotta wonder... is Mrs. Blog just paranoid, or have you done things to support her view that you are a total f... er... can occasionally mess up?

Happy Birthday MiniBlog!!!!

MMmmm Publix Cupcakes Yum

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOPHIE! *cue fireworks*

"Honey, I forgot the cupcakes. Sorry!"
Hee hee hee hee hee!!

HAPPY 6TH BIRTHDAY, SOPHIE!!

My munchkin turns 5 in April, and this will be the first birthday where she actually has peers. Her friends are having birthdays all over the place, and now she has developed Expectations. Oh, lordy.

She's already told me that I have to bring a cake or cupcakes to her preschool class on her birthday--which I initially found perturbing. I mean, if I'm bringing cupcakes, do I have to have her teacher's permission? What if her teacher is tired of doling out cupcakes? Do I have to take off from work to host a party at my child's school in addition to some other form of party on the weekend? Do I REALLY have to have a party on the weekend? And if I do, will the parents and kids all hate me when I serve healthy foods just so that everyone's immune systems aren't suppressed so that they don't get sick and die? Of course they will! Ungrateful bastards!

That's it. Birthdays are cancelled. Except for Sophie's. [Once again:] Happy birthday, Sophie! :)

Dave,

Back on the Starcatchers' tour I gave you a goodly supply of Twinkees in Chicago, because at the time it appeared they were going extinct, not to mention my concern for your dietary needs.

Perhaps you and Ridley consumed all of them on the car ride to the hotel / airport / gentleman's arena; but if not, these could have been used for Sophie's class, since it is physically impossible for them to spoil. Keep that in mind for next year.

PS - Great job resisting the King Kong temptation. You deserve a medal.

Along those lines, ever been to a young child's birthday party and watched as they opened the radio controlled car gift from their dad? Usually dad can't actually wait for the kid to get it unwrapped, and dives in to help, and then dad and the other men race the car around a makeshift track, in a serious competition for best lap time, until the batteries are dead or a six year old has stepped on it.

Good times.

Dave - Just occured to me (and I am new(ish) so it may have occured to others) that you may be on track for your next book topic. You could call it something simple like "Fatherhood"! Hmmmm - that sounds a bit familiar...

Have joy, Sophie!

Thanks, Blue, heheh. Only my second simulpost ever.

I have my Giant Frog a radio-controlled Ferrari last year for his birthday. He started assembling it right there at the dinner table.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOPHIE!
Good job with the cupcakes, Sophie's daddy!! Mrs. Blog will be proud. :)

OK, gave. I hate typos.

Yeah, Dave should definitely write another book about fatherhood. He already did when Rob was small. I believe it was called "Babies and Other Hazards of S*x".

C'bol -- Thanks, but we ate those Twinkies long ago. Haven't digested them yet, however.

CR - Funny, you don't look newish... (it's hard to tell, 'cause your pants are loose.)

Anyway, Happy Birthday, Babyblog!!

...and Dave, it's the wife's JOB to assume you'll screw something up. Don't take it personally.

"...we ate those Twinkies long ago. Haven't digested them yet, however."

Ha! That would be a great new tagline for Twinkies! Now 18% Digestible!

Dave, I didn't think of it before, and perhaps it's too late, but I will buy you a month's supply of your favorite beer AND do my best to get you out of jail before Michelle gets home if you'll bring Tamara's Rice Krispy Oosik in as a Kindergarten treat!

C'Bol -- Oh, that'd be a BIG hit with the kindergarten authorities. "Who wants a bite of this... this... OK, never mind."

Imagine having a pair of young daughters - not twins - with the same birthday. My girls are exactly 4 years apart, and my wife (bless her maternal heart) works from home and has managed to pull off the cupcakes at school thing for two children at two different schools on the same day several years in a row. Of all the things she is very good at, this is the most amazing.

"Dave, it's the wife's JOB to assume you'll screw something up. Don't take it personally."

Very, very, true, Mr C.

Florida has actually banned the bringing of home-baked goods to share with classrooms?

Ye gods...a little bit at a time, they boil the frog.

I still say Dave shouldn't be allowed to edit his posts, if we can't edit our comments.

Perhaps we can get Florida to pass a law on THAT.

--
Words of the Sentient:

Nothing is so well calculated to produce a death-like torpor in the country as an extended system of taxation and a great national debt.-- William Cobbet

And, by the way, you forgot to mention that the walrus penis may have fixed the spelling errors.

I'd include this in my last comment, instead of making two in a row, but WE CANNOT EDIT COMMENTS.

Blue, if His Highness Dave or Blog Goddess Judi were REALLY upset with you pointing out they're human faults they would have erased your pos

Kaz, consider it an exercise in stream-of-conscousness writing. I know I do.

Kaz - I'm not so much in favor of editing comments, but I wouldn't mind the ability to just make them vanish sometimes.

Dave, did you hire that guy Gene wrote about for Sophie's party?

Dave,

You're probably right. The teacher would hoard it for herself.

Those kindergarten teachers, I tell ya, they're worse than the librarians!

Ha! Imagine how uncomfortable you'd be if you walked in with it and Sophie's teacher immediately shouted "Oh goody! A Rice Krispy Oosik!"

On the plus side, we'd get to see perky newsteam coverage of the ensuing wrestling match.

Perky Anchor: Now we turn to Blake Stronjaw who has a breaking story at Our Lady of Monstrous Potential elementary school. Blake?

Blake: Thank Perk. A baffling development here as Pulitzer Prize winning writer Dave Barry was mauled by a kindergarten teacher in an attempt to consume his Rice Krispy Oosik. For more on the history of oosiks and their traditional rendering in tasty breakfast cereal and marshmallow sculptures, we turn now to Breasty Galore who is on location in Atlanta...

And so on.

It'd be fantabulous.

I think I'll get F2.3 one of those kitchen sets with the 10000 watt light bulb in the oven and let her cook her own cupcakes for school.

And I musen't forget the sun block.





 

... just say'n Blue.

1. Oh, Cbol, stawp, you're embarrassing me! ...Oh, do go on!

2. *SNORK!* @ Blue!

Our local school district has the same rule about bakery or store-bought treats only. The local shops have a "peanut free" section for treats that can be brought to school.

Christobol -- librarians snarf food because with the vow of poverty, pretty much anything becomes edible the closer one gets to payday.

I think that, like, it would be really neat, if we could go back in time, y'know, and post something really funny, like 'booger!' or something, and then everyone would have already read it and think it was really funny! Wouldn't that be funny? Except that someone else would go back farther and say 'booger!!!!!!!!!!!' first and that would be even funnier,'cause of the exclamation points and all, and then the first person would get real mad and erase the second person from history and we'd all wind up speaking Chinese ,like in that movie, which was based on a story of Simpson episode or something

Dave, it really doesn't matter which cupcakes, frosting, sprinkles, and plastic ring you chose....They're not the ones SHE would've chosen, and she'll be sure to let you know that as soon as she returns. (I know this, because I do the same thing to my own poor husband. "Well, I would've gone with this frosting, and those sprinkles, and that ring, but...*sigh*...that's okay.")

In other news...HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOPHIE!

insom! WAKE UP! You're in the blog!

Tamara, as a former teacher with many decades of experience, Jackie says not to worry: you just drop the cupcakes (and Mrs. Blog was correct, any teacher will tell you that they have to be cupcakes rather than a cake) off in the morning and let the experts take it from there.

And Dave, you mentioned the vanilla icing but not the cupcakes themselves. So, chocolate or vanilla or a combo thereof?

Tamara Rhymes With Camera - I was reading above about your impending doom...er, I mean your daughter's upcoming fifth birthday and your obligation, nay, your DUTY to bring cupcakes to her preschool class. I thought it worth mentioning that when my own daughters were in preschool, I opted to bring cookies, instead (ordered them from the bakery...cut into fun shapes (I think a circle, maybe?) and frosted with that yummy bakery frosting). When I asked the preschool teacher if it was okay to bring cookies instead of cupcakes, a wave of relief washed over her face, and she fell to her knees and thanked God that she wouldn't spend the next two weeks digging frosting out of her ears.

Just a thought...

This is a test...perhaps Typekey will let me edit my comment.

I still think our government should protect us from Dave's editing of his mistakes. It hurts our self-esteem when ours are permanant and his are not.

--
Words of the Sentient:
The New Deal began, like the Salvation Army, by promising to savehumanity. It ended, again like the Salvation Army, by running flop-houses and disturbing the peace. -- H. L. Menken

Nope, still don't have Barry-esque editing powers.

This sucks. And without the nice ending.
--
Words of the Sentient:
He that would make his own liberty secure must guard even his enemy from oppression; for if he violates this duty he establishes a precedent that will reach to himself. -- Thomas Paine

I've never seen a 6-year old say, "Oh, I want the homemade cupcake."

They all want the fancy cupcake with the most icing and wildest colors and preferably with a plastic toy on top.

Re: kids' birthday parties and food. Any food besides birthday cake and ice cream is a waste of time and money. The only ones who eat anything are adults (if any adults stay). Ice cream cakes are the most successful with the kids. Call Carvel. There. That's my 26 years of experience (combined over 2 kids) with kids' birthday parties.

*snork* of the day goes to Blue Meanie for "Happy Birthday Soapie"

I hate to tell you this, but involved, responsible parents who don't waste their time with nonsense like having a life or trying to make more babies can make BETTER cupcakes than the nonsense you get in the store.

I mean with more glitter, more customized references to what one's child likes, and all kinds of things which will increase their popularity with their peers.

You can make cupcakes where you layer more than one flavor of batter, put pudding in the center, draw all kinds of astonishing cartoon characters on the top, add icing which glows spontaneously for several hours, et cetera.

You should see the stuff my sister does for her kid.

Whew.

--
Words of the Sentient:

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. -- Fred Allen

KAZ - every family has one sister (aunt niece etc) who does that kind of stuff for her kids. The rest of the family usually hates her.

Until they started spending the night at friends' homes, my kids thought that homemade cookies were the cookie dough loaves you buy in the grocery store and slice and stick in the oven. Yum!

Jeff (Jackie!), Ladybug, & Daisymae - Thank you for the tips! Sincerely!

Except, I'm kinda unhappy with you right now, Daisymae; I found the Carvel website, and now I'm REALLY, REALLY hungry, and it's not even close to lunchtime yet. Mmmph!

*snork* at Tamara WRC!

or RWC (expletive deleted @ self!)

*Makes note of the fact that it is possible to get a SNORK by saying, literally, nothing*

(thanks, Ladies)

daisymae~ My manager's son used to think that, too. He went to visit his grandma once, and when he came home he rushed to his mom excitedly and said, "Guess what mom? Grandma makes her cookies in a bowl!

I, presonally, always mentally mix-up the "R" and "W" in "TRWC", Daisymae. "WRC" seems to flow better than "RWC".

If I do not acknowledge the typo, no one will notice it.

Tamara With Rhymes Camera - personally, I had completely overlokoed it.

"OVERLOKOED"? HA HA, you moron*, you made a typo! HAHAHAHAHA!

*NOT at all accurate

Dave - you should of went with the king kong ring - this would've given Mrs. Blog something obvious yet harmless to focus on - now she's just gonna hafta conduct on in-depth investigation in order to determine exactly where in the process you screwed up (cuz she just knows in her female heart that you HAD to of screwed SOMETHING up) - lord knows what she'll find...

Once again Happy B/day Sophie!!!!

I do have qone question though. I remember reading in Dave's Homes and other black holes book when he bought his house in Miami he sent the Mrs. leaving him and Robert at home to exist on a diet of Twinkies and Frozen Hot Dogs. What I want to know is if in the intervining years Dave has graduated to a diet of this and this and dont forget about this. Dont worry Dave if Mrs. Blog gives you a hard time just remind her that her diet has consisted of this and this after all it is the winter games.

Happy Birthday Sophie!!!

And Dave, you did get to take cupcakes to school, but you should of course bake a cake for her to have at home. That's one of the laws of birthdays. Homemade cake. Although it can be made from a boxed mix, let's not get ridiculous.

oh, I forgot:

HAPPY B-DAY SOPHIE!!

Dave, I'm with Tck. You have to give the wives something obvious and minor to focus on, like a King Kong ring, when you're (not your) being judged on your performance of being a stand-in Mom. Then they may miss the bigger mistakes, like you bought the two day old cupcakes to save a buck.

Happy Birthday Sophie!

marie: good point. bag lunches are allowed, but presumably the children are discouraged from trading with the hot lunch kids.

TRWC: yes, you have to bring cupcakes, no, you don't need permission, just warn the teacher, yes she's tired of it but that's part of the job, no, you don't have to take off work, just drop and run, unless you want extra points for being a good mom who stays. check with the teacher to see what other moms are doing. yes, you have to have the weekend party. no, the other parents won't hate you for your food choices they will find you naive and be amused at your expense. the kids won't hate you, they just won't come to anymore of your kid's parties unless the cake and/or entertainment are way cool. good luck with the birthday canceling thing, i have to endure 3 of 'em a year and i'm always looking for a way out.

kaz: if your sister is putting glitter on those cupcakes, she may be the reason why homemade goodies are banned.

Glad I am not considered a morno. Thansk.

Happy Birthday, Sophie! \(^.^)/

To the rest of you:
Our school Food Police have banned sugar from birthday parties, unless it has some nutritional value. (Yeah, that's a real popular policy / career-ending decision.)

For uniqueness and compliance, I happen to have one of those small snack-making appliances (by Salton). Only instead of mundane squares or triangles, this one bakes in the shape of Snoopy and Charlie Brown. So I took angel food cake slices and filled them with strawberry preserves and made birthday snack sandwiches. The kids LOVED it.

Also am I the only one who thinks that since Dave did not take a picture of the cupcakes that he really went with the King Kong ring and has promised Sophie a pony if she doesnt sell him out?

IMPORTANT MEMO TO KAZ

If you "preview" you can edit.
just sayin'

You're welcome.

ALSO, Blue has been my favorite blog guy this morning. :)

Happy Day, Sophie! And many happy returns.

Have Joy! and cupcakes.

I agree - Blue is joking up a blue streak today.

When will someone invent cupcake tops, like the muffin tops (Seinfeld)? Bad enough you have to beware of peanut allergies, etc, and be careful not to offend anyone ("Down With Bush" icing is a no-no), but when you finally deliver, the kids take one lick of the icing and they're out the door to recess. I don't think my boys ever noticed that there's cake under the icing.

A very happy birthday, Sophie! Thanks for taking care of your daddy while your mom was away. You did a great job!

What's so odd with the store-boughten cupcakes is that the frosting portion of the cupcake is taller, denser, more voluminous, and more colorful than the cake portion. Yuck!

Happy Birthday, Sophie! Today is my oldest grandson's 6th birthday too. My oldest granddaughter turned 6 7 weeks ago.

And I'm 5 years younger than you are, Dave!

oh, and happy birthday, Sophie!!!

TCK - a VERY interesting and probably accurate theory. You are apparently significantly more intelligent than your soft porn links and frequent parfait references indicate. Let me be the first to compliment you on smarting up the blog.

*pat, pat, pat, and a friendly scratch behind the ears*

*gasp* ...and of course, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOAPIE!

*blush* ... I mean SOPHIE!

happy birthday sophie!!

dave, you shoulda gotten the BLUE and Red frosting, so the kiddoes would get all that stuff ALL over themselves ...what a great laugh you could have....

Oh, that reminds me:

Bad news: Lice LOVE vanilla frosting with sprinkles.

Good news: Lice are TERRIFIED of King Kong!

Oh, wait, but you didn't... Oh, geez...

Cupcakes. Why did it have to be cupcakes?

First, let me wish your daughter Happy Birthday. Second, having raised one daughter and the second enrolled as a freshman at Texas A & M, I can say with wisdom and experience the Dad will always be under a daily microscopic review by Mom when it comes to raising daughters. I have conferred my observations with a friend of mine who raised 5 daughters and another friend who raised 4 daughters. We three are in total agreement with my observations. Now, you can take my info and $5.00 and buy coffee anywhere. Wish you all the best for the future.

KDFgirl - you are correct in that you would be the very absolute first to compliment me for smarting up the blog

Happy Birthday Sophie!
Good work on buying the cupcakes. My mom always made them for our classes (she made everything from scratch, from cake to bread to pjs.) Good thing it wasn't against the law like it is here in Utah! It is illegal to bring homemade treats to share with a class; they have to be store bought. WTD?!

At least you didn't buy the cupcakes at a convenience store.

Well, TCK, every stray dog deserves an ear scratch now and then... :)

Fortunately, PA doesn't have any silly laws about home-made cupcakes, etc, since I am one of those moms (sorry y'all) who makes the cupcakes, birthday cakes, etc, etc, etc for any occasion needed. In fact, I spent several many hours last night making a cake for my son's Boy Scout Blue and Gold banquet this evening - they're having a cake auction to raise money - and today, I find out that, surprise - it's the KIDS who do most of the bidding (or begging their (not there or they're) parents to bid for them! Silly me - I should have made if flourescent green with race cars or something. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Happy birthday and enjoy your cupcakes, Sophie!

This is good. It means there is hope for other fathers out there!

If you learn how to braid hair, I'm gonna faint!

At my brother's blue and gold dinners the kids would decorate the cakes, with Mom's supervision of course, and then the parent's would bid on each other's cakes. It was always funny to see how the boys decided to decorate their cakes.

Happy Birthday, Sophie!

*taking notes*

So I will need...
-plates
-napkins
-drinks
-utensils
-canned frosting
-frozen live squirrels
-a balloon filled with acetylene
-<strike>rice krispie treat oosiks</strike>

Happy Birthday Sophie..
Happy Birthday Dad and Mom.

Because as every parent knows, the birthdays of your children are usually more joyrous than your own....I say USUALLY because anything can happen....

I have learned today that cupcakes are outlawed in Florida? Does that mean they are not even allowed in the Ports? Thomas Paine cared about cupcakes? Boy am I glad I tuned in.

AND now that Dave has taken care of the cupcakes, mom should do the taxes. Equal rights and all.

May Sophie's sixth year be one of her best...

sthnbelle, put mini Reese's Cups on top. You'll get lotsa good bids. (I love B&G!!!)

The things we moms learn in Boy Scouts! And I just thought "Well, at least I won't have to sell any cookies!"
This first year has been quite an education. How NOT to build a Winning Pine Derby
Car has been the hardest lesson for the kiddle so far this year.

The leftist granola-crunching weenies at my daughters' new Montessori school prohibit birthday snacks with sugar. For the preschoolers, they suggest fruit-juice sweetened whole-wheat pumpkin muffins.

And in the elementary grades, they don't even let you celebrate. Once each month, all of the kids whose birthdays are in that month get to make a snack for the class with one of the teacher's aids.

I am not making this up. These are the same administrators who prohibit Lunchables because they're in "non-earth-friendly" packaging. These people suck the joy out of life.

Happy Birthday, Sophie! Congratulations on having a dad who specializes in stuffing the joy back into life. Have joy.

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