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February 22, 2006

ADVENTURES IN FATHERHOOD

Yesterday my daughter brought home the dreaded Head Lice Memo, stating that somebody in her kindergarten class has contracted Pediculosis Capitis (literally, "hideous little leaping scalp critters that, if they were 5,000 times larger, could star in a horror movie chasing Sigourney Weaver"). So I informed my wife via a long-distance phone call to Italy, and she instructed me that Sophie's hair had to be done in a pony tail, to make it harder for the enemy lice to jump onto her head.

As a husband and father of the male gender, I have learned that there is no arguing with instructions given in a Certain Tone. So this morning I had to put my daughter's hair in a pony tail, which for me is harder than brain surgery, not that I have ever performed brain surgery, but I just know it would be easier. Anyway, I finally made a sort of tail out of Sophie's hair, such as you might find on a mutant pony-oid creature from another planet, and that is how Sophie went to school. And if you do not think that I had to take a picture of this pony tail and email it to my wife as proof that her daughter is being cared for properly, then you do not know much about being a husband and father of the male gender.

UPDATE: For those of you who've been asking for a picture: Here you go.

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Ah, Michelle, see, guys know never to use the middle toilet - that way the next guy has to use one that's next to you. In fact, that's probably why there is no toilet in the middle stall - usually no one uses it anyway.

Annie - You're right! The worms got 'em.

(I learned a lot from Dave Barry's Guide to Guys - great movie.)

Oh dear, please Dave, pony tails do not protect against lice. My son came home from school with lice because of the teacher's cozy reading corner of stuffed animals and bean bag chairs and carpet squares. USE THE LICE SHAMPOO NOW AS A PREVENTATIVE. That's what my aunt, an elementary teacher does. The stuffed animals have to be bagged in plastic and put away in the attic for a MONTH. And the blankets, sheets, pillows, pillow cases, etc washed in super hot water and dried in a hot drier. Does your daughter share a locker at school? If so, then all her coats, sweaters, hats, etc. also have to be washed. I had three boys--so thankfully, buzz haircuts were the easiest. You'd better use the shampoo on yourself, too.

Kaz, I have a huge ego and still just want to be like Dave.

Except for the lice.

Mrs. Blog, as I am not afraid to snork at you, I would. But it's already been done, so let me just say, your story is VF. And oh, can us gals relate!!

To the bathroom part, not to the other stuff.

I'd laugh at all your variations of Neil Diamond singing The Story of My Lice but I don't want to be accused of nit-picking....

Many of those shampoos have pesticide in them and can have side effects. Don't use them unless you have to. We were told the stuffed animals could return after a day or two in the sun...bagged, of course. Many of them prefer the Riviera.

I'm a certified Mom and as such, I'm allowed to boss around any dad I so choose. :)

Have worked around youngsters for years, a long time in a shelter where kids are taken after being picked up off the street. Itched a lot, never got the bugs. Our Doc said having shampoo on your hair for a long time in the shower kills them.

We have had to shave our seven-year old's head twice. Seems they like him. Lucky he's a boy and bald is in style at his school.

We also learned they do not like dish soap, Dawn in particular, so we wash our heads with that occasionally, just for insurance. Nobody else in the house got them... at least not yet.

As for the pic, I am a jaded social worker and I know what kind of people are out there preying on children. I highly support Dave not putting his babe's pic on the internet. Sorry to be serious, but I think it's really really really smart of him!

Earwig Alert: My Life by Billy Joel

Got a call from an old friend, she used to stand real close
said she couldnt go out with me anymore
closed her shop, quit her job, baught a ticket to the Left Coast
now they give her the nit-pick routine in LA.

I dont need you to worry for me cos im scratching
i dont want you to tell me its time to rinse out
I dont care what you say anymore, this is my lice
go ahead with your own lice, leave mine alone

I never said you had to offer me a pony tail
i never said I caught my lice in county jail
I'm still quite brash, because of my rash
you can scratch your head, just not on my bed

They will tell you you cant scratch alone in a strange place
then they'll tell you you can't scratch with somebody else
oh but sooner or later you'll be scratchin' in your own space
either way its ok you wake up with a louse....

LTTG, but my head itches now.:(

And:
Texas, don't you go dissing Dave's looks.

Dave is hot.

And I think I speak for the whole posse.

hell, even I think Dave's hot, and I'm not attracted to men (NTTAWWT), well, exept C-bol, bot only when he does that thing with the thing - if you've ever seen it, you know what I'm talkin' about

Mrs. Blog,

Inspired reporting from Torino! Go Sasha!

Re: bathroom. I'm inspired that the facilities in Torino are a step below your average highway rest stop in the states...AND it's winter there. (ouch)

Your story reminds me of taking my 3-yr old daughter into a portapotty at Bayside. It was quite a balancing act to not set anything down (ick),hold her over the hole, and keep her and me dry. I did NOT remove my jeans (or hers for that matter).

Cheers!

Wow Dave, she looks just like you!

PB - I'm impressed, even if I wish you could've gone OT and made it not about lice...

PB - (My Lice)

OUT-STANDING!

U.O. rhymes with "uh-oh"? really? here I thought U.O. meant Uncle Omar

Otherwise - yeah, we went thru the lice dealy too, only once thru raising the four kids ... and yes, we felt creepycrawly for many days ...

OTOH, ticks are more prevalent than lice (usually, at least) and when I get one (or more) of them on me, I've got the wrigglycreepycrawlies for weeks!

TCK -

Leftover tag, since removed ... but if you look closely, you'll notice that the "O" sound and the "Oh" sound are remarkably similar, hence, the semblance of a true rhyme ... merely sayin' ...

U.O-All this time I've been pronouncing it "You Oh." Uh Oh is funnier and now I will have to *snork* at you more often.

yeah, I get the phonix of it - so does this mean U.O. does not stand for uncle omar?

so is a simulpost more meaningful if the participants are discussin' the same topic?

TCK I'm not sure, but I think so.

I guess it would be called a "sychic" post.

cool - my life suddenly has meaning

(but don't worry about it Lisa - I won't call and bug ya in the mornin' or anything)

TCK-Just not before 9am. Thx

*snork*

so if I call at 10 a.m. ta discuss our meaningful simulpost last night, that'll be OK?

Does U.O stand for Uncle Omar?

Yes.

Should it be pronounced "Uh-Oh"?

Not necessarily. I useta do that once in a while, mostly whilst trineta claim royalties whenever Dave would use the term "Uh-Oh" somewhere in the story/leadin for the thread ...

U.O is easier (in several senses of the word), neater (less ink/electrons=less mess, right?) and cooler (well, in all modesty, I'd just hafta say that when you're as cool as U.O ... it's perty difficult to be even cooler ... tho I manage, sometimes ...)

Also, if thinking "Uh-Oh" when reading "U.O" helps with snorkage, got right ahead ...

BTW, I've volunteered my services (on another thread) as Designated Snorker for any bloglits who are concerned about the whens or whys of their ownselfs snorking ... merely sayin' ...

TCK-Well yeah at 10:00 sure.

OK, I was kinda kiddin' 'bout the "uncle omar" thing

and Lisa, I'll be callin' you 'bout 10

TCK-Okay, but I have to warn you, I'm a happily married lady. So when you call me at 10 you'll also have to call me a tease. ;-)

's OK Lisa - I'm married too - I'll have a nice chat with yer hubby - does he hunt n fish? does he like fast cars?

Mrs Blog....I'm certainly in awe of any woman who can be so bold as when presented with the problem of whether to pee or not to pee, goes boldly forward with great American gusto, protecting probably very expensive jeans. Sasha would be proud.

I would have held it for hours....or found the nearest McDonalds. Or just stared and watched until somebody else used it. No wonder you fell in love Dave.

As for PB...in all of this incredible talent for re-writing songs...I am dying to know...can you actually sing?

Okay, Mrs. Blog should SO have her own every-day-commentary kind of blog.

And now my hands are starting to itch as well as my head. That can't be good.

Ooooh. That picture was icky. My head itches just looking at it. I was wearing a ponytail as I clicked on the picture, though, so I guess I'm safe too.

I once thought I had head lice when I was younger, but it turns out my parents were just nitpicking.

I've scratched my head 137 times so far.

If your munchkin actually gets the dreaded buggers; Two ponytails are better than one. Wash hair with lice shampoo and coat in mayo before bed every night, then wash again with lice shampoo in the morning. Seriously.

Blog advice synopsis - forgive me if I forget something, but so far, if Dave takes our advice, he should:
-dye hair purple
-shave Sophie's head
-bathe everyone in lice shampoo (shampoo made from lice)
-shave, starve, and bag all stuffed animals
-soak house in coconut oil
-burn house
-run back into burning house to grab dish soap
-bathe everyone in dish soap at neighbor's house (but watch for weird radio in the shower)

So we're all in agreement that the middle toilet was removed for repairs or something, and the hole in the floor had nothing to do with sanitary removal of bodily waste, right?

So it all went down into some innocent basement or the like?

I'm glad TCK didn't dumb down the blog.

--
Words of the Sentient:
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
-- Aldous Huxley

Dave,
Doesn't your wife realize that you are a New York Times Best Selling Author. The only think I can't figure is why you new book, Dave Barry's Money Secrets, is a best seller on the non-fiction list.

Silly Kaz - it's the 'middle' toilet, so it's designed after the ones in the 'Middle' East. Guh!
Think about it, though - if you can master the human spider/legs akimbo stance, it's a whole lot more sanitary than plopping your backside onto a piece of porcelain a total stranger just connected with. That's one place you don't want to dangle your participle, IYKWIM.

*gets teary eyed* Mrs Blog that was a beautiful story and your affirmation of love for your husband and child was touching. Please do not take this the wrong way when I say that you and Dave were MEANT for each other! Seems poor Kinderblog got the smart ass gene from both sides of the family. I predict many many parent teacher conferences.

TCK-Fishing, and fast cars--yep.

TCK - I gnu dat ... just playin' along ... and ... dazzled in awesome respect for Mrs. Blog and her sharing with us ... and -- also, sorta out of it, after a day of miscellaneous minor repairs on equipment, whilst RR crew went to CPR class ... no word on whether CPR is advisable in case of louse infestation ...

*snork* at Annie's recap

I am an expert in this bathroom business.

While studying in France (not a country normally known for its hygiene, anyway) I had many opportunities to use the "flush" toilet.

It consisted of a hole in the floor (as Mrs. Blogg said) and a water tank above with a chain which ended in a sort of handle.

The trick is to roll your pants legs up to your knees, push your pants down to your knees, support yourself by holding on to the walls, and leaning as far back as possible, aiming your business end directly over the hole. If all goes well, everything ends up down the drain.

Trust me, with a little practice it all goes very smoothly.

Supposedly, this is a more natural and physiologically correct position to go in. I think natural is highly overrated.

So I've started a new blog chronicling my adventures in fatherhood, and when I googled to see if it would pop up, I find this post from one of my heroes. Yours is much better, Dave.

www.myadventuresinfatherhood.blogspot.com If anyone is interested in giving mine a read, I would be very appreciative. Thanks.

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