A WORD TO THE WISE

Do not mess with Dick Cheney, lest he mistake you for a quail.

(Thanks to the perky-yet-laid-back guys 'n' gal of the WLTX News Team, who are On Your Side)

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: We have just received this exclusive photograph of the vice-president's quail-hunting party.

UPDATE UPDATE: Mr. Cheney "had absolutely no intention of shooting anybody," according to a statement just released by the vice president's shooting instructor.

Comments

[Punkin Poo]

Attaboy, Dick!

(or Attadick, Boy!)

Either way, he can shoot, send him to Iraq.

Was his hunting companion dressed in a Cindy Sheehan costume, by any chance?

[judi]

snork :)

[Punkin Poo]

Oh, and the victim is "alert and doing fine".... wish we could say the same for our VP.

[Jacki]

This to me is just by far the funniest actual news event that has occured in a long time. I have no idea what makes it so humorous to me, but I just can't stop laughing about it.

[U.O]

As a lifelong hunter and generally tolerant human being, I've gotta say ... um ... um ... nope ... I got nothin' ...

(I hear this site is monitored by more than just Blessed St. Judi and His Daveness and Walter and Mrs. Blog ... I might be old and slow, but I'm not that stoopid ... merely sayin' ...)

[U.O]

... oh ... snork @ Insom' ...

[Betsy]

Bless your heart, Dave...I was SO hoping this would make it to the Blog!

[It's a terrorist! No! It's a quail! No! It's my huntin' buddy! Oh hell -- just shoot the bejeebers outta it. We'll sort out the details later.]

[Jacki]

I get your drift, I think, U.O. I suppose the fact that is was Cheney, and that no one was seriously injured allows me to find it funny.

Now if I can just convince him to come to my region in the next few weeks for our extended squirrel hunting season....

[Jacki]

LOL @ Besty. Oh hell, *snork* at everyone in advance because there is just not much one can say about this that is not going to be funny.

[©hris]

This story just made my day!!!!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

With a VP like this, who needs assassins? Just send Cheney.

[larry]

Did they give Cheney a breathalyzer test? And if not, why not? Or did they just assume.....

[adonis]

You just know this guy said something bad about Iraq, or something like that. Cheney took the guy out for a "hunting trip" Soprano's-style.
"So, we dropped the ball on intel, huh. Well, its pretty easy to drop the ball WITH BIRDSHOT IN YOUR LEG! (blam) Now, remember that we can put you on the frontlines for Iran if you tell anyone what happened here, kapish?"

[Betsy]

U.O. Thanks for the simulpost, hon. As far as I know, it's my first; but I mighta been unconscious during prior encounters:)

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Re Update: It looks like after he shot him, Cheney tried to stomp him to death.

[FCDA]

Whittington "came up from behind the vice president and the other hunter and didn't signal them or indicate to them or announce himself," Armstrong told the Associated Press in an interview.

Blame it on the victim, Mr. V.P. - sheesh. I've used that tactic myself before. Not really the best strategy!

[Bass Man]

Victim was a lawyer. Tort reform in action.

[Bass Man]

Someone has to come up with a good Aaron Burr joke.

[Phil]

Who knew that Dick Whittington looked so much like Hillary Clinton?

[adonis]

"I drop Hamilton's like I'm Aaron Burr!"
- Chris Parnel

I know, not a "good" AB joke, but a joke nonetheless.

[bbescuela]

Dave, you forgot the pic of attorney Harry Whittington.

[KOW]

Wow, this is what he did to his hunting partner? Lucky there weren't any rival hunter gangs out there. Then things would have really gotten ugly.

[U.O]

... mutter ... mutter ... Hi, Bets' ... din't notice the simulpost until you brot it up ... anything to help ... mutter ... gripe ... stoopid "high"speed wireless @ this hotel apparently does NOT have any bandwidth ... or somethin' like that ... takes forever to load stuff ... grumble ... whine ... moan ... gripe ... b!tch ...

[Blue Funk's Bad News]

There is an unofficial story that Cheney was out hunting American Bald Eagles. His gun accidentally went off 10 times and he shot a bus full of old crippled people. But we cannot prove that story.
Luckily, we can come here to Dave's site and find out what really happened.
Thanks!

[insomniac]

Rumor has it in a few days Harry Whittington will be awarded a several billion dollar contract to rebuild Iraq...

[adonis]

Or rather:

"They call me Aaron Burr 'cause the way I drop Hamiltons"
- Andy Sanburg

[jon]

If Mr Whittington didn't think so before, I bet he now agrees with this!

[Guin]

My instant thought on reading about this was, WHY couldn't it have been the other way around? There is no justice!

[Tamra]

Cheney should be fined ten thousand pounds of squid for straying from his original purpose, ridding the Barry's lawn of egrets.

At least some of us know how to stay on topic.

[TCK]

oh sure - all you people go ahead and make fun - obviously you have no idea what it feels like to get an ass cheek fulla buckshot whilst runnin' across a corn field, gas can in one hand, siphon hose in the other...

um, not that I would know about that or anything

[U.O]

Recent posts raises a coupla questions.

to wit:

Whut variety of "quail" were they huntin' ... ? (Really old joke here ... if you know it ...)

Which cheek, TCK?

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Judi-was that really YOU snorking?

[Tamra]

TCK. Owwww! Right or left cheek?

[TCK]

that would be the left cheek U.O. (um, i mean, if somethin' like that were to have actually happened)

and it's possible, but highly unlikely, that they were huntin' for Dan Quail

[Tamra]

That's what Bush Sr. said when he lost the election, lonnnnnng time ago, he was going quail (Quail?) hunting. The plot is taking some weird turns.

[insomniac]

the birdshot pulled out of Mr. Whittington will be auctioned on EBay...

...he will be named ambassador to Brazil in time for Carnival...

Dick Cheney will be named honorary captain of the U.S. biathlon team, which has never won a medal. He will turn it down, saying 'biathlon' sounds 'kinda gay to me'.

[TCK]

OK, I'm thinkin' that "quail hunting" has become a right-wing eupha, er, euphim, um, code word for takin' care of the party unfaithful

"What's that?" "You could only find it in your heart to donate $150,000 this year?" Well, you sir, have just won yourself a little 'ol quail huntin' trip with the VP!"

[Sean]

What do you expect ? Everyone knows Dicks only have one eye..

[bbescuela]

I hear Cheney is blaming it on erroneous intelligence reports.

[bbescuela]

insom, biathlon sounds kind of "bi" to me.

[Eleanor]

Everyone should watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart tomorrow night. I can hardly wait to hear his take on this - should be hilarious!!

[TCK]

Tamra - I am glad to hear you are concerned about my ass cheeks - normally I would exploit an opportunity such as this one by making some sexist or offensive remark aimed towards making myself the center of a storm of negative attention from females frequenting the blog

However, having already made it thru nearly an entire day without annoying anyone other than EL (which, quite frankly, simply couldn't be helped), I will simply thank you for your concern, and direct you to my above response to U.O. for an answer to your question.

that is all

[Eleanor]

*zips in again and decides to ignore TCK in the interest of world peace*

I just read in the Wash. Post that Cheney's people did NOT release this important information when this happened SATURDAY!!! And a newspaper in Corpus Christi (is that a pun?) found out about it and printed it today!!

[Eleanor]

From the Wash. Post:
"Fortunately, the vice president has got a lot of medical people around him and so they were right there and probably more cautious than we would have been," she said. "The vice president has got an ambulance on call, so the ambulance came."

Too funny!
I guess if you're going to be shot by someone, it's a good thing that it's a person who travels with an entourage of medical personnel *snork*!

[TCK]

*decides to ignore El ignoring me, cuz she already had to publicly apoligize to me once today, and I think having to do it twice just might be the end of her (picture El, melting away, like the witch at the end of the wizard of oz)*

[adonis]

Kind of weird when you think about it, but the guy whose job it is to stand in if the pres suddenly croaks has serious heart problems. So serious, in fact, that he has an ambulance on call and a cardiac unit following him wherever he goes. Strange.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

U.O-You mean someone is monitoring this site besides us? OMG!

[slyeyes]

Leno, Letterman and Jon Stewart are giving thanks to their respective gods that this happened during February sweeps.

And somewhere, gave Maureen Dowd is having a screaming org@sm over this.

[adonis]

One of my favorite quotes is where Jon Stewart said the effects of this administration on him personally was a bigger apartment. Classic.

[Tamra]

TCK, Well, not to be sexist, but a man with buckshot in either cheek sounds like a normal day's escapades for a "REAL MAN."

[TCK]

Tamra - well sure it is - doesn't mean it doesn't really, really hurt - both goin' and comin' out (in fact, I think comin' out is worse, cuz it's one by one by one, 'stead of all at the same time)

not that I would know

[Lynn]

He shot an attorney. I keep looking for a downside to this....

[slyeyes]

How much do you want to bet they kept quiet about it for 24 hours so it wouldn't be the topic on the Sunday Morning opinion shows.

[Tamra]

Entourage of medical people, and an attorney. Perhaps he is aware of the growing tide of discontent...

[wolfie]

According to the report I heard sly, they kept quiet till the lady who owned the property it happened on called the papers and told them it happened.

Downside is.. he wasn't hunting with the Pres?

[Ford79]

I must point out that RICHARD CHENEY anagrams to:

CRY RE HEAD, CHIN

[slyeyes]

Question: Do the laws requiring that GSW's be reported to the police apply to shotgun wounds? Or is it if you happened to have been shot by the Vice President, the law is waived?

[(the real) Ian Santiago]

It's a shame that tricky dick didn't shoot his own corrupt, evil backside! What's with you shrub regime; fallin' off bikes, chikin' on pretzels and know cheney is makin' like Elmer Fudd! Oy Vey!!

V.L.R.B!!

[Ian Santiago]

The previous coconut is an imposter. I am "The Real" Ian Santiago! That is all.

V.L.R.B!!

[wolfie]

Ian my lil sugahlick! You came lookin for me. I knew you wanted me. C'mere n gimmie a squeeze.

Viva La Rockbottom Remainders!

[insomniac]

("Stacy's Mom")

Cheney, can I help you find something to shoot?
(someting to shoot)
We'll pretend it's Michael Moore, he's such a fruit
(such a fruit)
When will George realize you're undisclosed?
(undisclosed)
And that you'll take to him when you're disposed.
(you're disposed)

You know I wanna be a big star in the G.O.P.
But some birdshot in the face purt near put an end to me!

Cheney's gun is always goin' off
It's an act of God, he didn't hit my dong!
Cheney can't you see, there's no WMD
I know he's not King Kong, but I'm afraid of Cheney's gun.

[insomniac]

talk to him...

[bbescuela]

I'd rather talk to him than take to him.

[slyeyes]

*snork*

And I notice he wasn't shooting blanks.

[philintexas]

you people joke but we're in real danger here.....ROFL.... I quail at the thought that Dick Cheney is traipsing the state peppering the old folks with bird shot, an act somewhat tempered by the victim's occupation as a bottom feeder. The whole thing makes me wonder. If Cheney goes back to south Texaas to hunt quail next year and Whittington is still kicking, will he be invited back to hunt with Cheney? With live ammo? just askin'

[TCK]

phil - the real question is: If he's invited, will he show up?

[wolfie]

Medicare reform in action. Remove the people tryin to claim it.

[Stupendous Man]

Once again, let's point out that the VP shot an attorney, for goodness' sake! It's not like he committed a crime...unless there was an injured victim of negligence, a juvenile delinquent or O.J. simpson on the scene. In which case they could prosecute Cheney for hunting over a baited field.

[bobsled]

Dave, was the VP just trying to save his friend from stumbling upon some Weapons of Mass Destruction? He was just saving him from something worse.
But the important question is "did he get the quail?" Maybe he was feeling lame duck himself and just got mad at the quail. Dan Quail that is.
But lawyers get shot all the time so wheres the news in this. The question remains did he get the quail?

[bobsled]

I got arrested today for driving while eating a roll. So will Cheney be charged for this and will his defense be that his pacemaker jumped and pulled his triggerfinger?

[philintexas]

Whit was probably messing with Dickie... Doing his famous Bob White whistle to get on the Veep's nerves... Little did he know Dick had been playing Doom III that morning.

[bobsled]

Dave maybe Cheney ODed on biathalon coverage and when the quail flew he thought it was snow so he opened up on the target. He hates giving all those medals away and not getting any himself.

[Eleanor]

*ahem*

That is all to everyone except insom.

insom, I love that song - hjave you ever seen the video? Rachel Hunter's in it and in sort of a "dream sequence" does a pole dance! Way cool!

[philintexas]

while eating a roll? What's the fine for that?

[anon]

Wow, thats too bad sled. Wait, what type of "roll" was it? Did you roll it yourself? Were the ingredients smuggled from another country? Do glycoma patients sometimes eat those kind of rolls? Nah, I'm just being paranoid. Wait, are you black? Yeah, that would explain it, if you were black.

[KDFgirl]

IMPORTANT TRAVEL ADVISORY:

(Should your travel plans include American Airlines during the month of February)

While enjoying the audio portion of your flight, please BE WARNED that Channel 6 ("After Hours") may cause cochlear, typanic membrane, and other ear related damage due to its featured performer (rhymes with "Scary Pan to Blow.")

In-flight retinal burns are also possible, as the aforementioned featured performer's full color, all too sharply focused portrait fills the cover of "AAtractions World of Entertainment" Magazine.

Motion sickness bags are conveniently located adjacent to each copy of the magazine. (He writes the songs that make the whole world heave.)

That is all. Please resume your topical off-topicness.

[bunnymum]

If I'm reading the article right, the guy came up BEHIND Cheney and he shot him "accidently" while he was shooting at quail? So the gun shoots backwards and the victim was...oh, I don't know, FLYING?

Get thee behind me, lawyer!

[Tamara Rhymes With Camera]

Hey! Judi's back!! Hi, Judi!!

[U.O]

Y'all have done very nicely with all this "lawyer" and "Dan Quail" material ... except ... it's Dan Quayle ... and ... that joke (or entire volume of them, he was such an attractive and easy a target) isn't old enuf for the one to which I alluded ... NBD ... merely sayin' ...

[philintexas]

I always wet my sights...when I'm gonna do some shootin'.

[Annie Where-but-here]

I heard the guy was a little too far to the left, so Cheney shot him.

[slyeyes]

*snork*

[KDFgirl]

Full page *snork* for Annie!

[Annie Where-but-here]

Thanks slyeyes & KDF! I was running low on my snork stash, so this will help.

[KDFgirl]

But Annie! You're a star on the varsity team of snorkage!

*gathers all members of Posse and Doghouse for group apology to Annie for taking her for granted*

:)

[adonis]

This guy should have seen it coming. I know I wouldn't go hunting with a guy that rutinely goes off half-cocked.

[U.O]

A guy would hafta have a heart of stone to take Annie for granite ...

[Blue Meanie]

If my name happened to be Scooter, I'd be getting me a Kevlar wardrobe very soon.

[adonis]

She's snorxy!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Annie WBH-I read your coverage of the opening ceremonies. I loved the announcers! I'd give that at least a couple of *snorks*!

[adonis]

She's a snork magnet!

[Betsy]

In regard to shooting lawyers, I should point out that one of our most *snork*able blogmates is of that persuasion. I think we need to issue a statement recognizing that all lawyers ridiculed on this blog are assumed to be plaintiff's attorneys in ridiculous malpractice suits, or corporate attorneys lounging on huge stacks of dollar bills and the crushed bodies of various peons, or defense attorneys for folks like the public figure who is still out on the golf course, searching the rough for the real murderer of his wife.
(The preceding announcement was not solicited by Eleanor, but was spontaneously issued in the spirit of fairness, and the desire to be free to diss lawyers without alienating those near and dear to us.)

[Novanglus]

Since when do quail sneak up in back of you?
And I thought the thrill of hunting was doing it with a rifle as oppose to a shotgun? Just how BIG are the quail in Texas?

Lots of snorks...what fun.

[adonis]

Here-here Betsy! All barristers hereaftofor defamed are of the ambulance-chasing, scum-sucking, double-talking, wishing-they-were-Dylan-McDermot variety. (definitely NOT el)

[CEP]

An observation, and a question:

Observation: Now we know why Cheney's been in undisclosed locations so often...not for his protection, for ours (he gets excited, his heart acts up and he gets trigger-happy)!

Question: Does a major party donor getting shot by a high-ranking elected official of the same party qualify the aforementioned donor for the Darwin Awards?

[Blue Meanie]

This one's for El. ;)

[XXX]

Well, so this is the infamous Dave Barry blog. Hey all!
What do you say about the VP shooting his hunting partner? What a futz! He must have run out of ammo. You'd think that under the circumstances, the guy could have had the diecency to shoot hisself just out of embarrassment. How the hell do you mistake a hunter for a quail? Great timing too, considering we're trying to pass concealed carry here in kansas. Yahoo!

(Ian, go home! You're embarrassing us!)

[insomniac]

for el. - yes, i've seen that video, in fact, i watched it again (for 'research')

[Ian Santiago]

XXX,

There was an imposter here and I came to set things right! Besides, I have a bunch of relatives in SoFla and they all read this; and I can be just as irreverent as these folks!

V.L.R.B!!!

[XXX]

Damn Ian, why would anybody want to pretend to be you?