24

My wife is off covering the Olympics, which means that I'm solely responsible for our five-year-old daughter. So I regret to announce that tonight I had to look into my heart and make a decision: Should I watch a silly, meaningless television show, or should I act as a responsible parent and take care of my child?

I'm sure she'll be fine.

I am not so sure about 24. The plot has been moving at the speed of the Department of Motor Vehicles. Last year, we had Air Force One getting shot down AND half the nuclear power plants in the United States melting down AND a nuclear missile heading to Los Angeles. This year, so far, we have: canisters. A large chunk of last week's episode was devoted to showing the reconfiguring of these canisters; in terms of dramatic visual impact, this was not unlike watching brake repair.

I'm hoping things improve tonight. President Manilow has turned over control of the United States to his unstable cleavage-flaunting wife, so that's a good sign. She seems like the kind of gal who just might do something wacky. And apparently the terrorists are going to take the canisters to a mall, which also holds promise for some action. Like the terrorists could try to set off the canisters in a department store, only to be thwarted when helpful sales clerks squirt them in the eyes with perfume samples. Or the terrorists could actually detonate the canisters and release the nerve gas, but nobody notices, because at the same time there's a major shoe sale. I'm just thinking out loud here.

Whatever happens, one thing is certain: When the trouble starts, a certain high-level federal agent will be on the scene -- a man who takes no prisoners; a man who shoots first and asks questions later. He's not perfect, but, darn it, that just makes us love him more.

UPDDATE: We have no update at this time.

UPDATE: What kind of moron watches Skating With Celebrities? Besides me, I mean.

UPDATE: They're advising viewer discretion.

UPDATE: Increased canister chatter!

UPDATE: They're probably going to kill Jack!

UPDATE: Edgar's on the schematic.

UPDATE: Mike thinks President Manilow is whipped.

UPDATE: Blah blah blah. WHEN IS THE SHOOTING??

UPDATE: Edgar is running the plates.

UPDATE: "Show time!"

UPDATE: Chloe knows how to install the chip. She is some woman.

UPDATE: I bet that voids the canister warranty.

UPDATE: How come nobody ever punches Audrey?

UPDATE: Why can't the president get a shirt collar that fits? He's the PRESIDENT!

UPDATE: President Manilow is definitely sleeping on the First Sofa tonight.

UPDATE: Twenty minutes and not a single shot fired. What is this? Sesame Street?

UPDATE: They obviously don't watch their own previews, or they'd have known the target was the Sunrise Hills Mall.

UPDATE: They never see anything, these people. They have visuals.

UPDATE: Toyota is having a Think Big Truck Event.

UPDATE: Chloe's in the server.

UPDATE: Oooh! Mall security! Those guys are good.

UPDATE: Gas the mall! Sounds crazy at first, but makes sense, now that you explain it!

UPDATE: This has to be the dumbest plot development yet.

UPDATE: It's a tragic choice, darn it, but what the hey.

UPDATE: I have this feeling Jack is going to....

UPDATE: OK, he's pretending to be knocked out, right? You can't knock out Jack Bauer just by hitting him really hard on the head!

UPDATE: The terrorists are talking to Canister Technical Support.

UPDATE: Yes! Neck breakage!

UPDATE: All teams are moving in.

UPDATE: Not the Food Court!!

UPDATE: Jack does not have a visual on the hostile.

UPDATE: It's either the nerve gas, or some bad mayonnaise at Chick Fil-A.

UPDATE: Jack is also of course a highly trained paramedic. Later, he will do everybody's income taxes.

UPDATE: He's on foot!

UPDATE: He's stealing a car! The bastard!

UPDATE: Boooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnngggggggggg

UPDATE: A perimeter! They should just put all of California in a perimeter and be done with it.

UPDATE: Hostile down!

UPDATE: They've got NOTHING! Which is pretty much what we got out of this episode. I don't know about everybody else, but my feeling is: enough already with canisters.

Comments

[silhouette]

Four minutes recovery. It's a Jack knock-out record.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Jack's woken up from Jack's Power Nap™!

[bizrey]

C'mon Jack, beat them near to death with that table!!

[Betsy]

Chris...so you noticed that too, huh?

[Jessica R.]

Nah, Chris, he'll just drag the table along.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Audrey should threaten to cry. That would make everyone come to their knees!

[Glow]

Help, I've fallen and I can't get up.

[Betsy]

;This is war; there are going to be casualties!'

wHen?????

[Stolzi]

It's a Molokov Holokov! I mean holocaust!

[Stormy Dragon]

Apparently the canisters contain the really slowly moving kind of nerve gas.

[Jessica R.]

Who's neck got broken?

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Fire alarm would be good now.

[Sam G.]

Alright. Here's where we stand:

If Jack saves the people in the mall, then the positive side is that many innocent lives will be spared.
The obvious downside of this, however, is that Audrey will view him as a hero, and we will have to see her weeping or whatever else she does when happy.

[wolfie]

Appear in public in a gas mask with an exacuation alert. Yeah, nobody will panic.

[FleaBailey]

They all thought Jack was an alien from outer space.

[Betsy]

Squealing panic in the food court!

[Jessica R.]

Stormy Dragon, that's nothing, how long did it take that cruise missle to cross the country last season?

[jim]

just look for a guy in a gas mask, you should only have to interview 8 or 9 people

[Varjak]

The gas mask really makes him look inconspicuous, doesn't it?

[Stolzi]

"Make sure your men take him alive"

Well, there's another one gonna be dead!

[Stormy Dragon]

People are being affected by gas in the food court...

Even more than normal!

[slyeyes]

I like the old guy sitting in the food court watching everyone leave.

[philintexas]

Jack drinks atropine for breakfast

[Betsy]

triage is a little sloppy

[Varjak]

Jack's a medic, too!

[Stormy Dragon]

Oh, this is even worse than free burrito day at the Taco Bell!

[Momanon]

What was the shot? Atropine?

[silhouette]

Jack is the most qualified medic on scene. Give him teh syringe.

[wolfie]

Jack didn't sterilize that needle thingie first. Bet that kids parents sue him.

[Betsy]

Dont be scared; you're gonna be alright. If you aren't, I'll shoot you in the thigh: we know how to cure that.

[Jessica R.]

slyeyes, he just figures it's a big shoe sale and he doesn't need any.

[stevo]

It should be easy to find this guy; I mean, how many people in the mall these days do you see in brown polyester?

[silhouette]

The terrorist is all in brown. He can escape in a UPS truck.

(Lotta wire splicing tonight)

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Apparently no one in the mall has been breathing...sheesh!

[Glow]

One escaped terrorist coming up. How do they all sneak out like that?

[Sam G.]

Double wishbone front suspension?!
Hyundai has gone too far.

[Lydia]

They locked down the mall? AND evacuated it? Wow, those mall security guys are good!

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Isn't it intersting that my car alarm goes off w/my keys in my purse, but this guy breaks a window and NOTHIN'!

[philintexas]

Texas has issued an American Idol lottery scratchout ticket....the end is near

[philintexas]

uh..scratchOFF

[concerned]

Is Sophie in bed yet?

[Betsy]

Yeah, Phil...watch that stuff

[Stormy Dragon]

They're looking for the terrorist, but I think this is a case of locking down the mail after the shoppers have already evacuated.

[«LabSpecimen»]

SHOPPERS DOWN!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

philintexas: Yes, but you got it better than us. Here in Florida, they did a Skating With Celebrities scratch-off ticket.

[markle]

Commerical break update from Westminster: They are on the Sissy, er, I mean Toy Group.

[slyeyes]

Is John McClain with us tonight?

[Betsy]

Sssum of za gass wass releszed at da mall.

[silhouette]

Car thief admits he made a muck of it, but Yellow Tie just takes him at his word he isn't being followed.

[jim]

lot of people sitting around looking at something...

[Stormy Dragon]

"He killed Kamar and try to stop us!"

"Why!?"

"I don't know!"

Yes, why would someone interfere with you releasing nerve gas in a mall. It just doesn't make sense!

[wolfie]

The Hobbits getting a dressing down. Ooooo. He's in troubleeeeee

[Glow]

Do your job too, Mr. President!!!

[Lydia]

But the terrorist was left before they started evacuating....Didja ever try to lockdown a parking lot? It's really hard....

[philintexas]

Tropic...I suspect Al queda

[Betsy]

Oh right! Look who's gettin all highnmighty about people not doing their jobs! President ineffectual hisownself

[silhouette]

I hope Susan Cummings brought a knife to cut ol' Walt down.

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

I bet FC won't be able to tell her.

[Jessica R.]

wolfir, who is yelling at the hobbit? Why?

[jim]

why does the white house look like a bad fifties house? are they at camp david? or camp jetson's?

[wolfie]

Jessica ~ President Weenie was yelling at the Hobbit about of all things.. not doing his job well.

[philintexas]

they should have gone with the autoasphyiation angle...much more believable than suicide for that weasel

[Betsy]

I just don't understand; it doesn't make any sense.

right! couldn'ta said it better.

[Jessica R.]

Walt got cut down at the end of last week's episode.

[Momanon]

No! She wussed out!

[markle]

Dog show is definitely better than this stuff...

[Glow]

Argh, even Cleavage doesn't have the Nerve.

[slyeyes]

jim, they are in California.

[Stephen Kohler]

great, another perimeter...

[Betsy]

set up the perimeter

[Varjak]

CTU sets up Perimeter #2038.

[Stormy Dragon]

I think CTU should just give up on the perimeters. They aren't very good at them.

[wolfie]

They are setting up another perimeter.
Remind me never to try and hide from Chloe. She sees more things than god.

[Jessica R.]

President Weenie is SUCH a weenie! No one at CTU does their job well. There are terrorists all over the country stealing cruise missles and threating ionnocent shoppers with canisters.

[slyeyes]

Hostile down!!

[silhouette]

Darn it, says Jack, I'll do the killing around here.

[Betsy]

If I were a terrorist spy, I'm pretty sure I'd have my cell phone set on "vibrate" instead of "Maximum Chirp" mode

[Sam G.]

How climactic

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

Oh God, more episodes w/cannisters!

[Glow]

That's it, I'm going back to Olympic ACTION. Sheesh. I know from Spoilers that I'll get to see at least one big Knee Injury during the pairs finals. Maybe Jack was shooting there instead.

[Stormy Dragon]

See, yet another perimeter easily escaped.

[Betsy]

If I were a terrorist spy, I'm pretty sure I'd have my cell phone set on "vibrate" instead of "Maximum Chirp" mode

[slyeyes]

Son of a gun. Things didn't go according to plan.

[FleaBailey]

Wow. Jack is pissed.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Were the terrorists driving away in the truck from Sanford and Son?

[Varjak]

Once again, the perimeter works flawlessly.

[Eleanor]

*zips in*

Is it over yet?

Can anyone come out and play now?

[Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa]

or canisters as they say in the biz

[wolfie]

Phew. Now I can breath. I'm not sure I can take all the excitement this season.
Less drama, now shooting. Would someone kindly memo the writers and request a little less talk and a lot more action?

[jim]

finally a shooting, but not in the thigh!!!

[Jessica R.]

Eleanor, It was over before it began...NOTHING happened.

[Betsy]

I DIDN'T double post! that was the terrorist robot security perimeter device

[Eleanor]

There was an ELEVEN PERSON simulpost at 9:57p.m. - woo hoo!

ORGY!

[Sam G.]

Awww...Jack's in trouble!
And he's getting help from a mystery man with huge sunglasses.

[Stormy Dragon]

Oooo, lot's of shooting next week. I wish it was next week this week.

[FleaBailey]

Raise your hands, everyone who believed CTU was going to successfully capture the terrorists during this hour.

[bizrey]

Wow, looks like the "good guys" plan next week is to start shooting each other. Stupid fat hobbit.

[Jessica R.]

We need a REAL villian this season. Marwan was a nemesis.

[philintexas]

okay.. we'll be chasing these damn pony kegs all over America proper this season

[Boss Moniker]

You know, no one has ever said exactly what a perimeter is. Perhaps it's a "Terrorist Safe-Zone" where terrorists or potential terrorists can come and go as they please.. because these things NEVER seem to work. I haven't seen one bad guy get caught by a perimeter.