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January 19, 2006

WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS

...is more monkeys like these.

(Thanks to many people)

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It's too late for our congress, but maybe we can help the rest.

Two years ago, the ministry of defence found some of its top secret documents scattered all over the place one morning.

It was blamed on the many rhesus monkeys which flock around the colonial-era building.

CIA spy monkeys

where is Jagdish Bhauerji when you need him?

(just closing the italics tag)

How can they tell the marauding monkeys from the marauding lawyers??

</i>

Well I DID!

Oooh! Look up there! I'm all italicized!!!!!!!!!!

(It kinda tickles)

Key unintentionally humorous sentence: "The monkeys are mostly seen around top government offices."

*snork*

Hey, I sent this article in before what's-his-face, "many people"!? And I was first, BJ!? Top my time machine, dude!? And your "congress" with whom!?

Then again, maybe not.
Whatever. Good morning America.

*snork*in right along with Bumble on the "top government offices" line... Truth in advertising right there if I ever saw it!

*bumble beats him to it AGAIN*

Sounds like they need to hire more lawyers. Aren't they the only natural preditor for monkies?

"High Court Monkeys" might bagnfarb!

Poop - That's quite a lot of exclamatory interrogatives. Am I sure how to answer them! Delibrately, misplacing punctuation - can 'get' confusing...

Why don't they just shoot them? Seems to me like the obvious solution.

Signed,
Not an animal lover

Isn't there another Indiana Jones story line in here somewhere?

Indian Jones: The Revenge of the Delhi Monkey

I liked this one: "If you cannot catch monkeys, then better close down your institution."

Makes sense, doesn't it?

"The presidential palace, too, has been targeted and staff there have been forced to employ a dark-faced langur monkey to scare away the rhesus monkeys."

Well, then? Seems like they already have the answer. Or is it a budget problem -- what is the starting salary for a langur monkey these days???

kibby- What else have I beat you to?

Partner! My thoughts exactly! Especially if they're messing around with state secrets - or is that a cover-up ????

"Gee Minister, I have NO idea how those nuclear secrets got passed to eBay. MUST HAVE BEEN THOSE MONKIES!"

kibby: *snork* No joke, tho - India is a nuclear power. How is it they can't stop monkeys?? (Betsy's answer: hire more monkeys. LOL!!)

Monkey Menace wbagnfarb

Inspector Clouseau - "Zat eez what I have been telling you all along - Minkey!"

Maybe they're going about this the wrong way. I mean isn't 'monkey' and synonym for 'laywer' anyway?

aren't they supposed to be too busy singing to put anybody down?

Bumble - TiVo troubleshooting.

Brainy - that was the point.

*grrmmmble, murrmmmer,grumble* >:(

...."a" synonym......

Well, just hire the monkies and give them typewriters and let's see if they can really write Shakespear.

Of course someone's going to have to translate.

I dunno, kibby.... have you ever tried to actually read anything written by a lawyer?

Oh geez. I wish we could let loose hundreds of monkey's in DC. We have plenty of parks, the National Mall, etc. to provide habitat. It would make the summer tourist season so much more interesting.

The hits keep coming!

major nuisance monkeys
serious monkey menace
notorious monkey reputation
flocking rhesus monkeys
errant monkey catchers
court of marauding monkeys
langur monkey employer

*Snorks, and bananas, to Bumble, MOTW and Crossgirl*

Quite a triple threat we got here.

kibby~ It was tivo techies and my sister who beat you to that; not me. I just do what the (supposedly) technically savvy folks tell me to. ;-)

Anyone seen the Shirley Temple version of Heidi? A street musician's Capuchin monkey gets into the house, and the girls are laughing at it. The butler comes in, and in a pinched, nasal voice with a British accent (though this supposedly was in Switzerland) he says, "My word! A Gorilla!"

I guess it doesn't tell very well, but it's hilarious in the movie.

Seeing as I don't know the two techies and your sister I'll give you the credit - I'm that sort'a guy.

Does she live in Rochester too?

Some capitals have monkeys to deal with. Some have jackasses

kibby~ Rochester? No. I don't know anyone who lives there. She lives in Oregon; I'm in Indiana.

Hmmm....Marauding monkeys WBAGNFARB.

One of my favorite lines from Toy Story: We need more monkeys!

Q: What kind of a monkey would attack a lawyer?

A: The intelligent kind!

HEY!!!!

Knock it off with the lawyer jokes!!!
Sheesh!
Everyone makes lawyer jokes until they need one -
then -
WHOA! Different story! :-)

Bumble - no kidding!! Key quote: The monkeys are mostly seen around top government offices. Hey, just like here!! It IS a small world, isn't it?

KibbyF5 - The Internet has completely and totally disproved the theory of a million monkeys tapping away at a million typewriters and someday producing the works of Shakespeare. I mean, have you READ some of the stuff out there? Jeez.

El, my wonderful lawyer, I would never make a lawyer joke. Certainly never in your hearing.

Yeah ... what FCDA said!

Leave them blood-sucking lawyers alone.

They are after all just trying to help the human situation.

Besides ... they'll make a law against it if you don't stop. Yeah, a hate crime at that!

Hi,
Check out the latest Political Comic from H.L.

Michelle Malkin Gets Manipulated

The Hollywood Liberal

If you like it there is lots more at There’s lots more at H.L. Comics Links
Thank You

Elanor...you're right. That's nothing any regular 12-year old squirrel-hunting kid couldn't handle with a .22 and short loads.

Beware of the lawyer that can't laugh at himself.
Everyone makes lawyer jokes until they need one
Bus isn't the main reason you would need a lawyer merely because the other guy has one?

*hands El her favorite drink*
"Can we still be friends?"

Thank you Bumble. :)

Ackshully, no ... "monkey" is a synonym for ... um ... something else ...


(As in ... the old "bicycle" joke's punch line ...)

As to "shooting" them ... I realize suggesting this in India is religiously (and prolly politically) incorrect, but that is the function of those of us who hunt in a free society ... a well-managed wildlife/habitat program -- which includes hunting as part of the population protocols -- is what keeps the animals ... be they monkeys, deer, turkeys, coyotes, rabbits, gophers or whatever else ... in check, and their numbers at an "acceptable/tolerable" level with the wishes of society ...

Which, BTW, sorta brings up something I saw on the news here in SoCal ... about the guy who shot a mountain lion in his back yard ... Orange County? ... NEway, the "newsperson" said that mountain lions are protected in CA ... well, in Nodak, we just finished the first official "mountain lion" season in nearly a century ... five animals were taken, (the season limit) and yes, the critters were becoming something of a nuisance to livestock and people ... [It was considered an "experimental" season, for research purposes -- aging, growth, transient v. local animals, et cetera -- and there is no assurance that there will be -- or not be -- another season next year ... just sayin' ...]

This is what makes it interesting to moi ownself ... in CA they're considered "cute" or "nearly pets" ... in Nodak, they're "pests" or "a nuisance" or "a hazard to humans and domestic animals" ... and we Nodaks act accordingly ...

End of TMI ... sorry ...

El~ Any time. My Tivo works! Yay! The filter on the phone line wasn't hooked up properly last night. Problem solved. Yay!

"The monkeys are attacking!"

"Are they rhesus?"

"I think so."

"Positive?"

"I don't know their blood type!"

insom' --

HAR!

I thot of that, but din't go NEwhere with it ... WTG!

An alternative to Insom's joke:

"The monkeys are attacking!"

"Are they rhesus?"

"I don't know, I can't see any peanut butter."

OIG!

Random ... UG -- LEE!

GREAT!

Brainy - Of course we're still friends! :)

I just feel like every once in a while I have to stand up for my profession, ya know? :) AND - I was a criminal defense attorney, representing the indigent, oppressed members of society (motto: crooks are my life) and NOT making the BIG BUCKS like the civil lawyers do, who, IMO are only concerned about money!!!!
/end self-serving rant

politically incorrect or not -

Tigers (on the endangered species list) are on reserved land just a few hundred miles away and are starving...

Monkeys the squirrels of Delhi. And they have taken over the government.


UO. I jst read an article about how the good people at Yellowstone really screwed up there own Ecology. Right now most scientists are going back to square one on ecological care. Weird stuff.

List of not-to-be-joked-about professions:

Humor Columnists
Computer Programmers
Stealth Blogerettes
IRS Auditors
Hunters
Lawyers NEW!

Alfred -

By "good people" ... I'm sorta guessing you mean the Federales in charge of all the reintroduction of wolves (Canis Lupus), Grizzly bears (Ursus Horriblilus) and them others ...

If so, yeah, I'm agreeing with you (and apparently, the article you cited) as to them not quite thinking things thru ...

I'm sorta dismembering that this tendency has something to do with the Law of Unintended Consequences or somethin' like that ...

As I alluded to above, the "society" of "humans" that live in the surrounding territory is/are a major factor that influences decisions on these matters, often times with someone wielding political clout to sway those decisions ...

Blue ...

Simulpost!

wowser, huh?

Nah, you can joke about hunters all you like, around moi ownself, at least ... as long as it's joking ...

Willful destruction or damage to property of others, however, is not a joke ... IMHO ... as for example, them others @ P(eabrained)E(xcremental)T(otal)A($$holes) ... not to name names, or anythin' ...

Randon Thunk - you reminded me of a scene from Mark Leyner's book Et Tu, Babe, where Flo, a literate chimpanzee is coming to the USA to protest the introduction by Burger Hut of a new product called Rhesus Pieces, bite size chunks of rhesus monkey coated in granola and deep fried.

And this is NOT the most disturbing element in the book.

Oh, man. All I need is 2 hours, a few boxes of ammo and my .357 magnum. Although it would be more fun if I used my rifle with a scope,that way I could see thier expressions when I blew these nasty little creatures away. Like shooting rats is a barn.

List of fulfilled dreams:

Book autographed by Dave Barry
Book autographed by Douglas Adams
No books autographed by Mark Leyner
Simulpost with U.O NEW!!

;)

A petitioner complained that the monkeys were attacking lawyers and their clients and snatching their food.

okok, you lawyer types... but, well, do the minkeys know something here?

courthouse steppin monkeys --bagnfarb?

Of course, Blue ... you realize that this event was a mere fluke of weather patterns ... too windy for me to werk today, so I'm blogging instead ... boy, the sacrifices I make, eh? Just for the fun of meeting new friends ... and being a NEW!! item on an agenda ...

Let's see....

1) utility lineman
2) skyscraper windowwasher
3) monkey marksman
4) outdoor tightrope walker
5) skydiving instructor
6) umbrella demonstrator
7) nitroglycerin quality control inspector

Which of the above job is it U.O, that makes you unable to werk in the wind?

U.O - How do you say your name? It is "You-Oh" or "You-dotto?" Or something else? Just curious.

Uh-oh?

*snork* and LOL @Blue Meanie!

Blue, I think U.O. is an indoor, utility lineman/tightrope skydiving instructor who shoots monkeys through his skyscraper windows while high on nitroglycerin. You don't want to hear about the umbrella part.

*bows respectfully*

Cheers to Eleanor for her stint as a defence attorney!


U.O. - Thanks for clearing that up (?)

*Counterbow to Bucket*
OWWW!!
Is this your official blog deblurking, or have you been here before?
Welcome (or welcome back)!

Blue -

Job: It's #8. Other ... but that is a very impressive and comprehensive listing ... (just think of me as your friendly, neighborhood vegetation management specialist ...)

BJ - it's a long story, Harold ... rather than try to find/link, I'll be as brief as possible ...

The "original" handle is/was "Uncle Omar" ... and that in and of its ownself, is another story ... Which got shortened to U.O. -- then someone said that it looked as if I was doing the type-symbol characterization thingy (what is that called again?) and that I was winking, and the first dot was my nose, but the extra one looked like a pimple or a booger or somethin' ... so I dropped the second dot ... (blew my nose, or squeezed the zit, whatever ...)

Pronounced (I think) as "You Oh" ... HOWEVER, when someone says "uh-oh" I have made several attempts in the past to get His Daveness (or Blessed St. Judi) to pay me a royalty whenever they use that expression ... to no avail -- or sizable checks -- so far ...

sg - with one hand tied behind his back. Oh, wait, you said we shouldn't go there....

I try to read daily. Just don't always (ever?) have a witty comment..... ya'll are too funny. Only surpassed by His Daveness (just in case he is watching) ;)

But HI!

I got yer indoor umbrella demonstration right here!

Several thoughts from the Blog Welcome Kit:

--We aim to please (ourselves, mostly)
--Don't sell yourself short
--And none of us would ever want to kick (wait for it) the bucket, i.e., lameness is forgiven, points awarded for trying

Blue- *groan* :)
you-oh - will you be using your black cat as you(-oh)r asistant, standing under a ladder, watching youself in a shattered mirror? THAT i would watch, inuendos not withstanding.....

Bucket, not having anything funny to say has never stopped the rest of us from posting.

See?

*turns away to avoid seeing the "indoor umbrella demonstration*

*peeks*

U.O!!!!

Bucket - please see the part above relating to "lameness". Expect a LOT more.....

"Bucket, not having anything funny to say has never stopped the rest of us from posting."

Speaking only for myself, of course. :)

Although I forgive Blue Meanie for his lame joke, I give him points for trying.

U.0 - gracias for the explanation. Perhaps the second period was a beauty mark, but for the record, I do not, at present, have a vegetation management specialist, so when I need one I know where to look.

Blue: I'm relieved to hear that lameness is forgiven.

Texas and his .357...

*BLAM*

Voila...

Rhesus pieces

This just in from the More-than-U.-want-to-know Dept.:

Passee mousee over "U.O" and see Bradley. Put that together with Omar, and you have Generalisimo Omar Bradley.

So, not only is U.O a tree repair specialist, he also looks a lot like Karl Maldin.

OK random --

That's part (most, ackshully) of the rest of the story ...

When I was in college, ROTC was mandatory (yes, a looooonnngg time ago -- I keep tellin' you ... I'm OLD!) and so while wuz in Army ROTC (as opposed to Air Farce ROTC) I wuz on the Rifle Team, and most of the guys in my classes picked up on the "General Omar" ... is my uncle (not!) and stuff like that ...

That's where it all started ...

Except for the High School part ...

U.O - You're a gardener?? A traveling one at that?

Wowser, indeed.

"Is that a garden trowel in your pocket, or are you just excited?"

or

"Sir, you must refrain from leaving your hoe under your table."

or

"I got your leaf blower right here."

//end dumb jokes (for now)

Leaf blowers AND umbrellas AND oosiks.

Oh my.

... and besides which already, my kids think I look more like ... um ... whathisname ... um ... this guy ... except he's older (a little bit) than I happen to be ... and balder ... and my moustache is nicer, even tho it's not red any more ... I've been tooken as being Santa Claus by some tots, in fact ...

There, now my secret is out ...


No, Mr. C ... close, but not quite ... (but the jokes are good -- tho in reality, I often work with a 200-foot hose ... ISIANMTU!)... if I knew how to put up a photo of whut I do, I'd do it ... um ... huh? ...

Gimme a little time on that ... I think I can manage it ... I'll let you know, in this thread ... or, by golly, I could send you a pix ... whutever ...

Later ...

U.O. ~ NO WAY! Whenever I've pictured you, I've imagined that you probably look something like him.

Just sayin'.

sg -

Way.

... except of course, that I like to think I'm a little less hefty than him ... and I don't have diabetes ... but I do eat oatmeal ... and I've never played the part of a lawyer in a movie ...

Mr. C --

check your email for photo

U.O - done, cropped, and re-sent.

Dave, Judi:

Am I the only ALERT READER who has put 2+2 together?!

Tokyo snake befriends hamster; Delhi's marauding monkeys become security threat.............the animals are UP TO SOMETHING as we just blithely blog away. No wonder my cats are looking at me strangely.

Sparrow - Don't make direct eye contact. That's how they hypnotize you.

I've always been kind to the animals. I love them. And now this...

Omigod - they've got Sparrow!

U.O, I never noticed the missing . until you pointed it out!

Reminds me of Keith Richard, after 20 years of being called Keith Richards by the press, got fed up and legally changed his name to Keith Richards, at which point every news story about him called him Keith Richard.

Or they way that people finally stopped calling me Al after I gave up on telling people that I don't like to be called Al.

What was this thread about again?

Oh, yeah. Monkeys.

Nope. I got nothin'.

BTW sg, I can back U.O up on that, having seen him from a distance across the crowded lobby of the Ceritos Performing Arts Center. We didn't actually meet. Long story, but a desperate restroom break was involved.

Desperate restroom break by Al-anBoss ... I tend to watch out for my primary interests pretty carefully ...

I've said this before, but it bears repeating ... except, I can't dismember if I've repeated it ... again ...

OLD RULES:

1. Never draw against the Lone Ranger.

2. Never p!ss into the wind.

3. Don't f*ck with the kid ... and I'm the kid!

RULES FOR CURRENT AGE-STATUS:

1. Never pass up a chance to take a p!ss.

2. Never trust your first h*rdon in the morning.

3. Never trust a f*rt.

(With many tnx to Dan Jenkins -- a Texan -- for those guidelines in moi ownself's life ...)

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