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January 19, 2006


I'm an attorney in Tacoma and I stumbled onto your blog because I'm also a 24 fan (it doesn't hurt that I'm a long time Dave Barry fan too).

Anyway, I saw the post about the oosik and thought I should write. I did some legal work years ago for a gentleman who collects Alaskan art and artifacts, including oosiks.  He owns many, some of them intricately carved.  The fact about oosiks I thought you might like to know is that the most valuable ones are covered with spider web-like networks of hairline fractures.

It seems that walruses not only suffer from raging mating instincts, they also suffer from extremely poor vision.  When the mood strikes, they look for a mate.  They sometimes see large, dark shapes in the water they believe to be good-looking female walruses.  After using their best moves they discover they made love to a boulder, hence the fractures in the oosik.  It's not easy being a walrus in love. Feel free to use the info (check it out for yourself) but please do not use my name.


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Please do not use my name

I wonder why not?

Now that walrus is hard up


But cyan, that boulder was HOT!

Sounds like a shoe in for a wall spot in the Clinton Presedential Liebrary and Massage Parlor.


... yet I know some males that fit that discription perfectly. But usually as a result of massive quantities of beer.

Who would know better about how to screw things over than an attorney?

That's gotta hurt.

Irrelevant question for blog geeks:

I finally got cable last night, and in trying to set up my Tivo, I encountered the problem of not being able to dial in for setup calls. It gave me various failure messages; "can't handshake with modem," "line unavailable" and "connection failed." I called Tivo tech support three times (about a twenty minute wait per call; grr!) and the third time, they basically told me they'd run me through all the troubleshooting stuff they knew and couldn't help me anymore. My question: Where do I go from here? Does the geek squad at Best Buy handle stuff like this, or are they just for computers? And would they charge for a service call? If so, how much? *sigh* Frustrated.

So the question is: Does Walter have any hairline fractures? Dave?

Bumble, if possible, try another phone connection outlet. My TiVo connection runs thru my computer, which is hooked up to the phone connection. I don't know if Geek Squad does this sort of thing, but I don't think they're cheap.

Do you know any teenage or early 20s boys? No, not for THAT sort of stuff, but they can be quite useful with electronic thingies.

So now, Gene and Dave must compare Walter and Tiffani's hairline fractures to see who was the "manliest?"

Bumble - adding to SuzyQs comment - grab a plain old telephone, unplug the phone line from the Tivo unit and plug it into the phone. Pick up the hand set and listen for dial tone. No dial tone means bad phone line.

Bumble, another resource you might try: contact your local college and ask if their computer maintenance department has any students who do work on the side.

As for the oosik - I'm thinking it's aptly named after your nameless Tacoma attorney's story. (ooo, sick)

I should add that I have never even seen a Tivo, but I've done modem troubleshooting a lot.

pogo & suzy~ We tested both lines in that way; they work.

Bumble: turn everything off, go outside, walk around the house three times, go back inside (RIGHT foot first), and try again.

The good news for the lady walruses is that those fractures are "pleasure ridges." Walter's apparent elbow joint now makes perfect sense. He must gone after that boulder hard.

I don't have Tivo but I feel your pain. :)

Bumble - you got e-mail.

Bumble, I don't know if your system will work the same way, but Our DirecTv/TiVo box sales rep told us repeatedly that we needed the phone line hooked up to the phone line at all times in order to get the latest TV schedules to download. He was full of crap. The schedules come from the satellite (and in your case, I'm sure the cable). They want it hooked up to the phone line so they know when you're buying pay per view movies. They also download things to your TiVo box via phone that you don't want to watch.

It's not easy being a walrus in love.
He comes from below, when he should've from above.
Of such generous size
His oosik is prized
Carved and collected by humorists, sort of.

From a human stand point, is Mr. Bobbit's "bob" more valuable than, say, Ron Jeremy's schlong?

Have you heard the news? There's good rockin' tonight.

I've never heard of Tacoma before. What is it, a city? A village? A province?

Leetie~ This one isn't direct TV, and I can't go through setup without letting it dial. It won't work that way.

kibby~ read and answered.

El, you don't have ooosik, but please feel Walter's pain.
And Leetie, "[t]hey also download things to your TiVo box via phone that you don't want to watch", are they stuff I might want to watch? (I'm a guy.)

BTW, this thread really cleared my nostrils, if you know what I'm talking about.

"The Fractured Oosiks" wbagnfarb

Bumble - did you have a dsl line? If so, you need a filter to block the dsl noise....we figured that out...TiVo had no clue.

Kat~ we moved it downstairs and tried it with a filter last night; no dice.

We've covered all the bases we can find. Tivo replied, "All your base are belongs to us, but it will not avail you. I, the mighty Tivo, will not do your bidding."

Put out the signal for Judi and the Thundertechs!

Oosik-wise, caught between a rock and a hard place......

*No, That's not my normal voice*

Kat: What kind of filter do you need for the DSL/Tivo thing? I haven't got DSL yet, but am going to. What do I ask for at the store? How much does it cost? Is it difficult to install?

Sorry for so many questions, but I'm in the dark here. Electronics frighten me. That's why I use young boys.

Bumble: Maybe you got a bad TiVo?

Suzy- Used. Belonged to my sister; I used to live with her. She gave it to me when I moved out. It worked perfectly last time we had it set up. When I first plugged it in, it came on with all our original settings; still had our old shows in it and all, but I couldn't connect to the tv service in my area to record, etc. because the dialing numbers set in it were for Illinois, where we used to live. So we told it to delete all info in the system so we could start setup from scratch; then we ran into the problem of not being able to get through the setup calls.

SuziQ - If you don't put a filter on your voice lines DSL causes you to hear static. My DSL modem came with 3 filters (I think) and you are supposed to just plug them into the phone jack in the wall and plug the phone into the filter.

I took a different route and split the phone line where it enters the house. On side of the split went direct to the DSL modem, and the other side went into a filter and the line running to all the phones was plugged into the filter. (I have a tool that lets me make phone and network cables by crimping the little plastic connectors on the cables.)

("Blinded by the Light")
While I'm floating please be noting that it's rock icons I'm quoting, with a tip of Springsteen's hat.
Filled with emotion in the northern ocean, haven't got a notion of where the girls are at!
Is that a boulder, or cold shoulder, somehow I've got to hold 'er, is this a mate that I've found?
Though this water is freezing, is it you that I'm pleasin' why aren't you making a sound?

I'm just blinded by the light
Gettin' prone with a stone, now I broke my walrus bone.
Blinded by the light.
I tried getting down but it never felt right, I can't shake it loose tonight.

Though I'm mostly sedentary, I don't love sedimentary, at least not when I can tell the diff.
When I show the gals my oosik they don't want to make sweet music, just swim away and shout 'As if!'
My mouth is full of tusk and I exude a walrus musk but luckier I cannot get.
Cause my p**** is in traction through repeated granite action and my soulmate aint' met me yet!


Defendent: *snork!*

Make fun of the walrus' misguided affection all you want - just don't forget that humans can be FAR weirder. Just ask any ER doc.

I especially applaud the line
My mouth is full of tusk and I exude a walrus musk but luckier I cannot get.
Bravo, 'niac!

*Cigarette lighter salute to the unsleeping one*

Bumble: Well, that just plain sucks! Sorry I don't have any more suggestions to offer.

pogo: The modem comes with filters that plug into phone line. Good. Sounds like something even I could handle. But the splitting and the crimping.....oooooooo, no, no, no.

insom: Brilliant, as usual!

bWhat I've Learned From Bumble's Problems:

Never get Tivo!!

See Bumble, your Tivo has not died in vain. :)

Take 2:
What I've Learned From Bumble's Problems:

Never get Tivo!!

See Bumble, your Tivo has not died in vain. :)

But, Eleanor! TiVo ROCKS!! (When it's working, that is.)

El~ It's not dead; just stubborn. And whatever you do, don't take that lesson away from this. A working Tivo is a truly wonderful thing, and it is usually not this much of a problem to get one working.

Bumble, is it possible to get a Digital Video Recorder through your cable/satellite company? If so, I'm wondering if there's some sort of block they have to prevent TiVO and to make you use their device.


Humans experience coyote ugly

Walruses experience boulder ugly.


My Tivo is working! Oh joy! Dad says the filter on the phone line because of the DSL wasn't hooked up properly last night. Problem solved.

Suzy Q, "... I'm in the dark here. Electronics frighten me. " Light bulbs frighten you too?

BTW, the Walter/Tiffani oosik fracture comparison won't prove manliness, just which of them had the best eyesight... besides, the "manliness" of an oosik named "Tiffani" is in question regardless of condition.

Mad Soapboxer, et alii ...

I don't usually do this sort of thing, but I'm posting (here) a comment I made back on Gene's Oosik thread ... 'cuz it was LAST and apparently no one saw it there ...

I'm not doing this 'cuz I think it's so wonderful (tho it is, really) but 'cuz it's easier for me to copy and paste than it is to link you back there, or remember whut I wrote ...

so ...

Is it my imagination, or has that photo of Gene gotten ... bigger ... ???

Or mebbe it's just certain "parts" of the photo ...

r.e.: "Tiffani" ... y'all seem to have not yet analyzed the name for its true meaning ...

to wit: "Tiff" ... a fight, spat or confrontation

"ani" ... the Latin plural of "anus" ...

ergo: Gene's oosik has something to do with confronting multiple anal sphincters ...

... or rocks ... tho the name would suggest not ... rocks, I mean ...

... or rocks ... tho the name would suggest not ... rocks, I mean ...


The robot thingy started up ... ("rocks" does that? Who knew?) (Who's on First.)

So I musta had a twitch ... er somethin' ...

That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it ...

and I thought I just had to worry about the sharks.

Bumble: YAAAAY for you!

Mad Soapboxer: Light bulbs I can handle. It's those darn electronic things! That's why I use the young boys. Well, mostly. ;)

As to the manliness of an oosik named Tiffani, I quite agree with you. But if Tiffani is indeed gay, well.............draw your own conclusions.

When my hubby tried to set up our Tivo (on Christmas morning), we had the same problem. For 3 hours we tried 6 different numbers in our metro area to no avail. Then he went to the internet to look for message boards, and read that there is a Manhattan number that is very reliable. so he tried it and at the first try it worked! I don't remember what it was, but you can probably Google it. After that he set it up so that we did the weekly refresh through the Internet instead of the phone line.
Those boards are very informative, they have all sorts of tricks for reprogramming your remote, adding photos and music, and (I've heard) a way to add an extra drive to increase the recording hours (no, we haven't done that).
We love our Tivo.

I suppose a walrus has to get a little bolder to, um, get a little boulder.

Uh oh... I'm seeing double already, and I haven't even STARTED drinking yet!!

Does his Oosik hang low,
Can he swing it to and fro,
Can he tie it in a knot,
Can he tie it in a bow?
Can he swing it on his shoulder,
Can he ram it thru a boulcer,
Does his Oosik hang low?

Well I'm glad that they just molest boulders. I was afraid that he was going to say that they attempt to mate with swimmers in the ocean.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water!!!

U.O., I'm really glad my children are old enough so that I don't have to laugh out loud while hearing them singing the "true" version of that song.

'Course my son is old enough that he would love to hear your version!

sg -

Yeah, I've tried to educate my grandkids from time to time, usually when they're @ the age when that song is amongst their school chorus repertoire ... they sing the "tame" version, and I start up with the "authorized" version and ...

that's when My Bride (Remember Her?) starts with the throwing stuff and hitting with blunt instruments ... just to shut me up ...

So far, I haven't managed to indoctrinate any of them ... mebbe when the oldest one gets to be a teenager ... naaah, not a good idea ... let them learn them from their peer groups ...

U.O. -- This is the summer I'm going to start teaching my grandson Tom Lehrer material...mwaaa ha ha ha....

On the subject of Oosiks, if Walter needs a more masculine friend to hang out with, maybe he should start chilling with this thing.

Or here ...

CandyT -- you go, gal!

(Innit fun, spoiling our grandkids?)

U.O and Candy T, you may like my version of a TL CLASSIC:

Spring is here, a-suh-puh-ring is here.
Life is skittles and life is beer.
I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring.
I do, don't you? 'Course you do.
But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me,
And makes ev'ry Sunday a treat for me.

All the world seems in tune
On a spring afternoon,
When we're poisoning lawyers in the park.
Ev'ry Sunday you'll see
My sweetheart and me,
As we poison the lawyers in the park.

When they see us coming, the weasels all try an' hide,
But they still go for greenbacks when coated with cyanide.
The sun's shining bright,
Ev'rything seems all right,
When we're poisoning lawyers in the park.


We've gained notoriety,
And caused much anxiety
In the attorney society
With our games.
They call it impiety,
And lack of propriety,
And quite a variety
Of unpleasant names.
But it's not against any religion
To want to dispose of a lawyer.

So if Sunday you're free,
Why don't you come with me,
And we'll poison the lawyers in the park.
And maybe we'll do
In a squirrel or two,
While we're poisoning lawyers in the park.

We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment.
Except for the few we take home to experiment.
My pulse will be quickenin'
With each drop of strychnine
We feed to a lawyer.
It just takes a smidgin!
To poison a lawyer in the park.



You know, Chevrolet might be able to pull GM out of their current sales slump if they incorporated Walruses into their “Like A Rock” TV ads...

speakin' of Chevy ... some of vous are old enuf to recall those ads that said "93 percent of all Chevy Trucks ever built are still on the road ..." ...

I guess the other seven percent made it home without a tow truck ...

Tacoma is, in fact, a town, south of Seattle by about 35 miles on I-5. Which means that on a good day it takes only about six hours and a bottle of rum to get from Seattle to Tacoma. Sigh. Can you tell I commute between the two on a regular basis?

So thank you, attorney from Tacoma, for putting our little town on the map. (Sidenote to all who are not familiar: it's not so little, actually. Population is about 175K.)

This proves the statements that Dave Barry made in the book "Dave Barrys complete guide to guys". The male walruses are just being guys.


One night, I accidently switched to "Will & Grace." Now my Tivo keeps trying to get me to watch "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."

Okay, that's not true. I don't have Tivo. But it was a funny line.

Okay, It wasn't that funny.

I need to go to bed.

AB -

Your Tivo is gay? (NTTAWWT)

Thanks Aarwen for defending our fair city.

"walruses not only suffer from raging mating instincts, they also suffer from extremely poor vision."
Well of course they're nearly blind. If they could see how ugly the other walrus was, they wouldn't be in the mood. This is what is known in nature as the "Budweiser effect."

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