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January 19, 2006


But we are pretty sure we remember a pledge not to make fun of people's names any more, so we are going to refrain from blogging this. Err on the side of caution, as it were.

(Thanks to Thad Humphries


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His nose does look kinda brown.


Hey, sg!

I wuz out renting a car, or I'd've been here sooner ...

It's the combination of names, that gets me ...

His whole name is a speech impediment. I thought that was a joke at first. No wonder he went into the field he did.

Who's making fun *snicker* I'm not makin fun!

MOre of a Legmann myself.

The smile says it all.

Not me, I'm a Tittman, myself.

Hi blog! I was teaching my Advanced Cognition course today, and one of my students mentioned that I had been linked to from a very important blog. I asked what paper picqued the blogger's interest, and the student told me it wasn't my research, but my name that got the attention.

Let me tell you a little more about my name... On the Mayflower, a Mr. and Mrs. Henry Assmann were one of the last couples to join up and sign the accord. They survived that first harsh winter and prospered in the subsequent years, setting up trading posts with the Indians and sending tobaco back to Europe.

A few centuries later, the Assmann clan followed the Donner Party to San Francisco, but decided to cut south to Los Angeles and avoided the misfortune that befell the Donners. The Assmanns were led by their patriarch, John Assmann.

My family moved to Dallas when I was young. I went back to Canada to attend school and live with my Uncle Dick, who is a famous car dealer in Regina, Saskatchawan. But when I was offered a professsorship here in Dallas, I decided to come back home and start a new family here.

Thank you all so much for your interest in the Assmann family and heritage.

All the best!


Sh*t!! We're busted!!


I remember a Dick Assman on the old Letterman show. Featured as a running bit for some time.

it's all that stinkin' thad humpries fault... the rest of us are all innocent. innocent i say

Thank you Mr. Completely for being the first to step up and post, I was gonna do it, but chickened out. By the way, very impressive Peter on the background, I dont even know where my mother grew up. (sad)

Oh, c'mon...is that REALLY Peter? Or just someone making an ass of themselves?

All I meant by my comment was "nice tan"!

Anybody know an attorney? El?

Trying... to....hold....it....in..................*SNORK*

I started looking into it. I didn't see the Assman name in the Donner list, but he said his ancestors followed the group. I didn't find any car dealers by that name in Saskatchawan (sic). Just the Letterman individual mentioned.

In any case, I'll bet he is totally wounded that someone found a way to make fun of his name. No wonder he got into psychology.

I may be slipping on my Seinfeld trivia but wasn't it Kramer who had the "Assman" license plate or something?

Can't remember the details....

Audidealer - Chickens are most welcome on this blog.

Mr. Assmann - Seriously, I can't imagine having to go through middle school and high school with a name like that, noble it may be. Did you get into a lot of fights because of it? Are you well-adjusted now, or are you posting this from your position atop a clock tower with an AK-47 at your feet?

Hi Brad, Yes, that was my Uncle Dick! He was already a prominent car dealer before being featured on Late Night, but after Dave discovered and popularized his car dealing prowess, he became a real celebrity. Dave always pronounced it "ASS-MAN" though. I guess that was the joke. Everyone else pronounces it "OSS-MUN".


I got as far as ASSmann the ASSociate professor and lost it.

It's not shocking to see that Mr. Assman is into analysis...

I apologize in advance for not posting a direct link, but in case anybody's interested, here's the Mayflower passenger list

I feel like we're the doofus in the bar from Roxanne who could only come up with "Hey, big-nose!" for a taunt. Talk about the low-hanging fruit.

Coulda been Dick Fuqua.

Peg Leg, Harry and his wife traveled under assumed names. The Assmann family were in disrepute in the old country at the time due to scandle in the family's mule trading business. Sorry, I should have mentioned that.


Phew! While we all know I'd never stoop to making fun of someone's name, and I would CERTAINLY follow the blog's lead by not ever doing that again, but I'll just say it's a good thing I was busy moving papers from one pile to another (and back again) and didn't get here to post anything before we got busted, cuz I'm sure I'd make an ASS outta myself by saying something politically INcorrect (about not making fun of names, which we never do here on this blog, of course).

So, in the interests of being brief about this whole topic, I'll just say *SNORK*.

And yes, "Brief" IS my middle name (and my shorts).

PS, I'd never say "Assmann" WBAGNFARB

HEY! I dismember seeing a billboard or somethin' once when I went to/past Regina ... for the Assman Ford, or somethin' ... in fact, I think my cousin might've worked there !!!


Very nice, too, of you Pete, to react so politely and maturely to our inanities ... I'm sure you've had a lifetime to make adjustments to such silliness (or worse) as ours ... and, I might add, it seems that you've done a very good job of it ...

and BTW ... welcome to the Barry blog ... stop by any time ... (I don't think I'm out of line for saying that ... right, Dave? Blessed St. Judi? Bueller? Anyone?)

Donner OSS-MUN?

Peter, I second U.O's comments: welcome aboard and thanks for not being an.... I mean, being so good about all this... we need politeness and maturity to balance things out here.

Wow Brainy! Are you into geneology? Because when the Assmanns followed the Donners to Californa, once of the Assmann brothers was scalped by Indians in Utah. The Mormons took him in, apparently made fun of his name, and changed it to the phonetically similar "Osmond". As I compare the picture of me with Donny Osmond, I can't help notice the similarity. But I'm not sure if he is a decendent of my 5-great Uncle Abraham.


OMG! Pete's right! Open Pete's picture in a new window and then do like wise with Donny's. Look at their facial shape and their chins.

BTW, likewise, "Welcome, Pete". You can help make fun of he next unfortunate namee.

Is anyone gonig to point out that, apparantly, in under 20 minutes, a student read this blog posting, went to class, informed professor Assman, and then professor Assman left class to post on this blog?

Yep, very believable.

... um ... Pete?

Primus: ... we're gonna need a LOT of politeness & maturity to "balance things out here" ...

Secundus: I sure hope you're not scammin' us ... (I checked your email addy ... looks legit to me ... but whut do I know?) -- 'cuz it appears that you might just fit right in here, after your "Osmund" commentary ...

Looks like we work in distantly related areas too. Pete's in Speech Perception Research. I work with Natural Language Speech Recognition (on the applied end.)

Doesn't anyone else think he looks like Ridley Pearson???

Another one...

Hey U.O. Give me a call. You can find my phone number on my web page. I should be back in my office at the top of the hour. Unfortunately guys, my Treo is running out of battery, so I won't be able to post again until I get back to my computer.


Oh God... not Donny Osmond... no...

//assume fetal position and twitch//

first Barely Man-enough, now Donny... where will it end?

Peter A - may I apologize if my fellow bloggers have offended you, although I must say you took it swimmingly. Being called "Annie Fanny" myself, I would never dream of mocking someone's name like that. However, Eleanor was curious if the Donner party asked you guys to 'bring up the rear.'

re - Seinfeld - Kramer got the wrong license plates from DMV. They said "ASSMAN." When he used them, women wanted him, and he could park in the 'doctors only' section at the hospital (as a proctologist). This is the same episode where George's dad slips and falls on the Fusilli Jerry that Kramer had made. Mr. Costanza ends up at a proctologist's office, who's nickname happens to be "Assman." I LOVE the way they weave in multiple plotlines...

I did some checking of some Canadian sources guys. Although I can not find a car dealer in Regina directly named Assman, many dealers do not have the last name of the owner in the name. There are five Assmans listed in the Regina phone book, although no Dicks. So it looks like it could be true that we've been seriously busted.


Arctic: I'm with you. It seems that "Dick" was a gas station operator, not a car dealer. Also, "Pete" mentions his 5-great uncle "Abraham." There was an Abraham Osmond c1838-1918 but "Pete" said the name was changed after his scalping.

Here's the thing: "Abraham Osmond is believed to be the son of William & Emma Osmond & the grandson of Joseph OSBORNE/OSMOND & Patience MARTIN"

If he didn't ditch the Assman name til he got scalped, why do his parents not have the Assman name?

2 strikes. I think "Pete" has some 'splaining to do.

Well, I sent Pete an email, and it hasn't come back as "undeliverable" and he told me (above) to call him ... so ... I think he's for real ...

HOWever, I'm a little suspicious ... 'cuz ... OK, he's a computer/phone/whatchacallit geek ... that's how he posted so fast ... but ... he's got a sense of HUMOR!

Sounds a little suspect, if ya ask me ...

Again...19 minutes between this link being posted, and "Pete" posting his response.

You know, gullible isn't in the dictionary.

We are proud to have the storied Assmans living here in Texas. I have to wonder though...if the Assmans HAD been with the Donners and were presented with the question of which body part to begin with...?

no ... not to be disagreeable, but I sorta see a resemblance to Wally Cox ...

(GEEZER ALERT! Whut wuz his character's name, on early TV ...?)

U.O: Take your pick

OH SH1T!!!





OK, who did it?

Mebbe one of his students?

Or, one of us?

Well, I wuz thinkin' of Mr. Peepers ... the early years, of course ...

No, Greg, gullible is SO in the dictionary ... I looked it up! (HAHAHAHAHAHA!!)

We ain't the ones are busted, but I wouldn't want to be a psuedo-Assmann right now. Prof Assmann is gonna kick some... you know.

My assistant Mr. Watson and I have been looking into this matter. There are a fair number of facts which would seem to indicate that Professor "Pete" Assmann is not who he claims to be.

1. His family members all have curious names: Henry ("Harry") Assmann, John ("Jack") Assmann, Abraham Assmann, and Dick Assmann.

2. Dick Assman (one "n") is the gas station owner from Regina, Saskatchewan who became a celebrity on The Late Show, not Late Night.

It's elementary my dear Watson... Someone posing as Professor Assmann has been playing an elaborate hoax on this blog. I have three suspects. They are Dave Barry, Judi Smith, and Elle. Given the rapid unfolding of the hoax, I believe it is beyond the capabilities of one person. I suspect that it is a conspiracy involving two of them, or perhaps all three.

I need to clean and reload my pipe. Carry on.

U.O. - In response to the geezer alert, Mr. Peepers is probably who you have in mind. Disguised as a mild mannered high school teacher he...doesn't turn into anything.

Simul-posted with Uncie O. Geez, I need a cigarette and scalding hot shower.


I simply can NOT believe that Blessed St. Judi would do something like this, or be any part of such a scheme ...

That does leave, however ... um ... Dave? (And a bunch of other "usual suspects" ... of course ...)


Has someone been using my blog name to post comments under my name?

I've been shopping @ Fry's ... and besides which, I wasn't even here ... and those guys made me ... and ... I was only driving ...

No "stuff", Sherlock?

Yeah ... all that posting has left me ... exhausticated ...

The things I miss by being at school. Yeah, I'm convinced Pete's a fraud. He's just too much. I've been laughing so hard I'm starting to worry my parents.

Have you guys read some of my papers? I am best known for work I did with William F. Katz called the Katz-Assmann effect. In one sentence, it's the dramatic change in the way the vocal chords and mouth make vowel sounds from childhood to adulthood. You can read about it here.

Maybe it was one of those guys at the Herald to whom Dave was showing off the other day with his Test Post... see, Dave? Never gloat.

U.O. - Since you brought up Wally Cox, can you name the series with Eve Arden of the same vintage (without Googling).

Our Miss Brooks?

U.O. - Excellent sir. And her love interest was Richard Crenna, later to become Luke on The Real McCoys.

Pogo..."Our Miss Brooks" Her perennially too-shy would-be love interest was Phillip Boynton, her landlady was Margaret Davis, her tonsil-cracking student was Walter Denton, and her irascible principal was Osgood Conklin, played by Gail Gordon.

Yeah, and wasn't one of her students name Kotter?

No no no no!!! *strikes brow* Richard Crenna was Walter Denton, the overgrown adolescent student person. (But thanks for reminding me of who played Walter. Can anyone tell us -- without googling -- who played Phillip Boynton??)

Mr. Peepers
Miss Brooks
White Shadow

I'm forgetting a bunch ... the one with whathisname ... Mr. Novak ...

Teachers ... was that fertile ground for TV writers? Or for the producers?

OK, I get the joke now. It's about my name, huh? And I see you did this yesterday to a Mr. Fuk King Kwok. This is really childish. I've dealt with this all my life, and it's funny to a point, but way overplayed. I suppose it is new to Mr. Kwok. After work this evening, I am going to contact Mr. Kwok and offer him a graduate fellowship here, offer to adopt him, and suggest that he change his last name to Assmann.

Glad you're (not your) all having a good laugh.


AnnieWBH -
I saw you taking my name in vain. Until 5 minutes ago (maybe 10) I was at Circuit City shopping for HDTV's with my friend CG (cute guy!).
I have never had the slightest interest in the Donner Party. I don't even know what that is unless it's some fraternity that was not at the college I went to.

My FCDA services, unfortunately are not available for this awful turn of events.

And in closing, all I can say is that you should all be ASHAMED of yourselves - hmmmph!

Also, I notice that judi had not made an appearance here -
just sayin'...

Pete ... ru there, Pete? The REAL Pete, I mean ...

After our phone conversation, I'll repeat Whut I said before ... we need some balance here ... a whole bunch of it ... hope you're not too upset ...

Ms. Betsy, I stand corrected. You are right. I already Googled now, so I know but won't tell, but I don't rememeber the guy.

"Gee, Miss Brooks!"

Geezers Rule!

Nah, it wasn't them Mr. C. It was me (a different Brad than the one who posted earlier). I think the funniest part was when Peg Leg Pete disputed "Harry Assmann" being on the Mayflower. FTLOG Peg Leg!!! You're (not your) on a humor blog in a post where we're making fun of someone's name. No shiite (yes, Sherlock was me too) that wasn't the real Peter Assmann posting.

Bumble--- your parents probably think you're smoking pot. Nobody still going to school can possibly have a sense of humor.


Oh, my goodness ... somebody has too much time on their hands, but a good sense of humor nonetheless. This is a scream. (And if the good prof does exist, he HAS to have developed some humor himself over the years. What else are you gonna do?)

This really is like the Seinfeld episode! We gotta find the Assmann ...

"It was a million to one shot, doc ..."

Whut gets me is that whomever did this knew he'd likely be in his office @ a certain time, in case I called ... so I did ... so he was ... the REAL one ...

Whut REALLY gets me ... not noticing the timing of his quick response to my "sent him an email" comment ... boy, if that's how the REAL Pete handled his classes, watching the blog instead ...

and whut else I said ... about his poise and confidence and maturity ... still applies, to the REAL Pete ... he must've done some adjusting, thru life its ownself, so far ...

So is the REAL Prof. Assmann coming to this blog to bust us all for being juvinille? (And most likely having poor spelling, in my case...)

I don't think the purported Peter poster could possibly be the pictured party. At no time did he break into a chorus of George Harrison's hit from The Beatles years: "Cause I'm the Assman... Yeah-ah I'm the Assman"

Besides which already ... another factor ... the email I sent was not returned as undeliverable ... HOWever ... I sent it to the WRONG ADDRESS!

Someone has spent a bit of time setting this up ...

I am now going shopping @ Fry's ... and I am not going to pay ANY attention -- I am going to IGNORE -- any and all further posts purporting to be from either the FAKE Mr. Assmann or the REAL Mr. Assmann ...

Assman has a B.A. Wouldn't ya know.

OMG!! Look what I found, on the REAL university site. NOW who has too much time on her hands? http://www.utdallas.edu/dept/bbs/faculty/peter.htm

Don't know how to do links yet. Sorry.

The superhero who just didn't fly: Assman
Da-da da-da da-da da-da Assman!!

Brad (The Other One) 'fesses up, comes clean, admits it... WTG!! GREAT prank, great hoax. LOVED IT!!

*wonders to self what April Fool's Day is like around here...

Thanks Mr. C. But I have not revealed the purpose of my hoax. It's a birthday present for my Dad, who is one year short of being really friggin old today. Happy 39th Birthday Dad!!

Eleanor...Hi, it's Annie. I just got back from Best Buy. Has someone been using my name to slander you????

Wouldn't it be funny if Brad's dad played a hoax on Brad. For instance, if he wasn't really Brad's dad...


Hey Annie! :)

Thanks for clearing that up - I really didn't think that you would do such a thing!!!

We're cool!

Any doctor specializing in multiple-personality disorders would have a field day with this thread.

All this attention really gets under our skin!

ok i've been AFTB for a long time.... but whoever DID do it, good work!

Hey Brad, of course I know where we are...I thought you had a very creative response to my Mayflower post. Way to go! Now if I could only find my damn leg....

Thanks judi, thanks Peg Leg. Who woulda figured the Assmanns had a failing mule business in the old country before skipping out on the Mayflower? You know, like how everyone whose name was "Cooper" made tires... I wonder... Did they even have mules in the old country? Mad props to Brainy Jello for the Donny Osmond link, and U.O. for calling the number. Nothing quite so funny as real impending danger, eh?

I just checked out the site that Cheryl posted. The dear professor at UT-Dallas works in the School of Behavioral and Brain Sciences. Here is a list of some of his colleagues there, taken from the Spring 2006 undergrad syllabus.


I shall attempt to make no further comment regarding these fine upstanding educators, since we are no longer making fun of names. But some of these names pose a real problem for my *snork* reflex.

Man, I am so LTTG here, but, er, could Arlen Specter be watching?

Note to Brad - had I been on this thread earlier, you'd have had me spun, but good. Happy Birthday, Brad Dad!

Brad - your dad's 39?? 39?? And he's "really friggin old"?



*looks with trepidation at his own 49th birthday coming next month, crawls into his dirt bed, and pulls a rock over his head...*

The 'mule trading business" is the best part...

Mr. C - have you not learned anything here today? Lesson #1 - don't believe anything Brad says. 39 is not old, his dad is not 39, his dad is probably not even his dad.

...don't tell - I'll be 45 Saturday. Really. And I'm not old. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!


OK, I forgot to mention that today was the 20th anniversary of his 39th birthday. But I swear, he doesn't look a day over 59. Heck, I'm staring at 39 in a few years! Anyway, you've all been great. This thread made a great birthday card. He knew something was up with Abraham Assmann being scalped in Utah on the way to LA, as that actually happened to my 5th great uncle!

Perhaps he should change his name to http://changeformissouri.blogspot.com/2004_06_01_changeformissouri_archive.html

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