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January 23, 2006

URGENT ADVISORY FOR MEN

I am book-strumpeting in Chicago today, and on a local TV morning show one of the news personalities reported that men's corduroy pants with vertical piping can produce friction that causes a condition called "dangerously hot crotches." I am not making this up. She used the term "dangerously hot crotches" at least five times. So be prepared, corduroy-wearing men. Take precautions. Always carry lemonade.

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I don't wear corduroy pants - can I still claim that my crotch is dangerously hot?

I haven't worn corduroy in years, but I don't seem to remember them generating any heat anywhere including the crotch.

I'm confused... is this considered a "good thing" or a "bad thing"?

I'm wondering the same thing Tracy is....
Did they have any doctors on to discuss possible harm or benefits or?????

Hm, from my experience, corduroy makes guys dangerously "un-hot". (Not to be confused with "dangerously cool")

Lemonade?

WTF?

"Dangerously Hot Crotches" wbagnfarb, of course

I wear corduroy.
But I am female.
Does this make me dangerously awesome?
Or dangerously nerdy?

haha... Hot Crotch WBAGNFARB

GDogg, Lemonade to refresh your crotch. Wasn't there just an item recently blogged, I think it was ball talc, that could be appropriate for this problem?

I must say, she is right. I am one of the silent sufferers of Dangerously Hot Crotch Syndrome (DHCS).

I rush home every day after wearing my cords (try as I might, I can't stop wearing them) to the soothing relief of two gallons of ice cream shoved into the FTL's.

But now that she has told Chicago, and Dave has told the rest of the world, I now need to suffer alone no more. Thank you, Dave. You have made this planet a better place.

Can we declare this "National DHCS Awareness Week"?

This could only lead to one thing;
SCC (Spontaneous Crotch Combustion)

The best solution is a simple sprinkler system installed in the seat of your pants.

Naturally this system is called W.E.T.
(Wow Extinguish (my) Trousers)

ELEVEN!

Well yeah. In Chicago, pedestrians run in place at red lights so they don't freeze to death. Some actually sprinkle their pants with flint-flakes (tm)to encourage the reaction.

Jessica,

I understand. Perhaps my question would be better stated: why is that funny?

And you are right, the ball talc would have made a better reference.

as Jim Carrey would say "Smokin'!!!

("Summer in the City")

Hot crotch, seems like I'm on fire
Inside of my thighs are a real live wire
Cool cords, not raising your desire
Seems like all those ads are makin' me a liar
All around me people scratchin' their head
When I show 'em video detailin' how my crotch's red!

But at night I can find relief
From the pain that's beyond belief
Sit all alone without pants all night
I hope the heat cooks my sperms just right
And babe, don't you know it's not catching
Those these days I spend all my days scratching
My hot crotch, it's not pretty
My hot crotch, it's not pretty.

My cords vertically piping
Hopin' it's just sweat that I feel like wiping!
Can't stand people who are griping
Bet they can sit while they're working and typing!

Once again, investigative journalism has given way to sound-bite reporting. Too much info is lacking here:

Is this a concern for corduroy pants with horizontal piping?
Is there such a thing as corduroy pants with horizontal piping?
Who besides Geraldo Rivera would wear corduroy pants with horizontal piping?
Has this issue been investigated from a fertility angle?
Is fertility even an issue for people who wear corduroy pants with horizontal piping?

Expiring minds want to know!

Insom...you are a delight. Thank you for (a) the earworm; and (b) restoring my faith in the current state of the Humanities. (not Humanity...that faith is long gone.)

I dont wear cords, but still have Dangerously Hot Vertical Piping - If you know what I mean...

"Too much info is lacking here:"

daisymae who thinks there's waay too much information here

I gotcher hot vertical piping right here.

Blue - Is "horizontal piping" anything like the horizontal mambo? That could create DHCS as well (if I remember correctly - its been awhile). Although, from earlier posts, corderoury pants in general seem to lower the frequency of the horizontal mambo being an option.

"Is fertility even an issue for people who wear corduroy pants with horizontal piping?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAaaaa......ahhhh....
Good one.

"Lowering crotch temperature by 22 percent since 2005!" --Slogan of the Year

I think my ex-wife is the company CEO

Maybe "dangerously hot" has something to do with sperm survival. I remember reading that the heat of briefs is said to kill many a valiant soldier of love. Boxers were recommended for those trying to procreate. It's a theory, anyway. Oh, great. Now I'm hearing the "hot pockets" jingle in my head but with "hot crotches."

I tried googling on the phrase "dangerously hot crotches" and got 0 results. I then tried the phrase "hot crotches" and got:

Results 1 - 10 of about 2,870 for " hot crotches". (0.54 seconds)

I didn't go further, but these links did not appear to be workplace-safe.

Theme song: Burnin' Love.

do they get hot enough for a weiner roast?

Dave...I'd like to welcome you to the Chicago AREA, while pointing out that Naperville is not, technically, Chicago. I just MapQuested the route from my home to your bookstore, and it involves four (4) Interstate Highways, and arrows pointing wildly in five of the available four directions.
Because I'm a genuine geezer, and at the moment am kinda on-call for two not-very-healthy geezer parents (what do you call the parents of a geezer??? Mega-geezers? Super-geezers? Thirty-third degree geezers??), I can't undertake the trip.
But I'm with you and the bloglits in spirit, and will await updates on your bookstore appearance and, of course, simultaneously, our friend Jack Bauer.
Watch out for canisters, and smudgy ballpoint pens, and anything made of Rice Krispies. Nothing wrong with one crisp oosik, but anything more would be kinky...especially if it's wearing corduroy.

To learn more about this dangerous condition go to Cordarounds.com

You may now resume your lives.

Earwig Alert: Hot Child in the City

Danger in the shape of corduroy
But burning, in your slacks?
Sounds a little fey

No one knows who he is or what his name is
I don't know his tailor, or what his game is

(Hot crotch syndrome in the city)
(Hot crotch syndrome in the city)
(Runnin' wild and lookin' prissy)
(Hot crotch syndrome isn't ptetty!)

Too old to be wearing corduroy
Young boys, they all snicker then run away
When he goes downtown, the folks all stop and stare
When he goes downtown, his pant burn, but he don't care, care

(Hot crotch syndrome in the city)
(Hot crotch syndrome in the city)
(Runnin' wild and lookin' prissy)
Yeah
(Hot crotch syndrome isn't pretty!)

Come on down to my place, tailor
We'll talk about pants
And if you cool this painful burning
Perhaps I could learn to dance?

(Hot crotch syndrome in the city)
(Hot child in the city)
He's kinda dangerous
(Hot crotch syndrome in the city)
Young child
(Runnin' wild and lookin' pretty)
Bad fashion, runnin' wild
(Hot crotch syndrome in the city)
(Hot crotch syndrome in the city)
Hot crotch syndrome isn't pretty!

Way to go, PirateBoy!

"I rush home every day after wearing my cords (try as I might, I can't stop..."

BCDM -

Use caution - it seems to me that rushing home in your cords could only exacerbate your DHCS.

Tread lightly.

Now that I think about it...

I wonder if the severity of the DHCS is directly related to the, ehhh... size of the victim.

Blue Meanie got all the good lines I could think of before I even got here ...

Oh, well ...

OH! (and so on ... ad infinitum ...)

(I wuz thinkin' about something to do with "cords" and "power supply" and "power charged" and some other phenomena of this concept ... but this is as far as I've gotten ... so far ...)

Way off topic, but WAAAAAAY Worth It

Expiring minds think alike, Uncle O.

Blue, Firefly and All LYRIC WRITERS - *SNORK*
Betsy - Grand-Geezers?
Ernie G - GO FIGURE!!!

Betsy - übergeezer?

Betsy,
Everyone who lives in Naperville knows that truly, truly, their city is the center of the known and unknown universe.

And their kids are each the center of the center.

I suspect that parking will be problematic. At the ccenter of the universe, only so many SUVs can dance on the head of a pin.

Sarcasmo - I don't even watch "24" and that link was worth it . . . SNORK!

U.O. - It takes some heavy-duty power cords to properly charge a DHC?

Betsy - Geezers once removed? Uber-geezers?

Dang - Blue Meanie got in there with one of my suggestions while I was still composing - and he figured out how to do the (sp?) umlaut! Dang.

Still, Betsy, with the title "Ubergeezers" suggested by two independent parties, you might have a winner there . . .

Yeah, Ubergeezers works fer me ... ' cos that's whut I do be ... naaaah, fergit I said that ... please ... or I'll tell Jack ...

Power Cords? Power Cords? We don' need no steenkin' power cords!

Did the morning news lady get perky-er as she kept saying dangerously hot crotches?

Betsy;

All I know is, my parents scare the Be-Geezers out of me!

hmmm....

BLT - I'll trade the secret of umlauts if'n you can tell me how to do the superscripted "TM" symbol without using HTML. I know there's some HTML code that can do it, but A) I haven't managed to make it work, and B) I understand that too much tricky HTML coding gives this blog some hiccups.

(And sorry for stepping on so many toes today.)
*Takes off jackboots*

alt and 0123 gives you the TM ™

U.O. - Ubergeezers Ononymous?

Thanks, by the way, for the lyrics you posted for me way back in December - do you remember the evening I was whining to the blog about how I was 9 months pregnant and my mom had bashed her head & cut it open after my son's Christmas play & my husband had to take her to the emergency room? Well, it gets better; I went into labor at 4am that morning . . .

The result is my beautiful baby girl, 5 weeks old (I haven't had much time to blog in the last 5 weeks, sorry)! Arianna. The whole family adores her, including her big brother (yay!).

Many thanks to all those praying for me and/or sending me good thoughts that night, also!

Blue Meaning, for the TM Thingie™, I go to a word document and cut and past from the insert symbol menu

Do I still get the secret of umlauts, even though it was the _geese_juggler who revealed the secret of tm?

(Actually, I fear that "secret" may be a prank - I just tried it, and it seems to be more of a browser-back command, at least on my system. Sadly, however, I don't know another secret of TM to reveal . . .)

......and then there's the alt 0123™, too.

Well, I kin do this™ and this ♪ but that umlaut is a good trick ...

how about a tilde, or a cedilla ... any hints, Blue' ... ???

alt plus f4 is the close window keystroke. We used to trick people into leaving our chatrooms with that.

... and how about a proper accent mark over the letter, such as when I wanna do the "proper" way for re'sume' ... instead of whut that looks like ...

(I can use & # 8482 [with no spaces between & or # or the number 8482) to do ™ that ...)

... or & # 9834 (with no spaces) to do ♪ this ...

i think this corderoy thing needs a much higher press level....somebody needs to tell Keith Olbermann to put it in his news of the weird section....

Hmmm™

Thank you, sly, I never knew about 'insert symbols.' Where's the musical note?

U.O is cartainly a vast well of useless knowledge today! Please tell me you dont have 9,834 different characters memorised!
Speaking of "Characters", I think Minsc and Boo is full of "Baldur"dash ;-) (may be old to some, but it is new to me!!). Watch out for giant space hamsters!

That's so cute. Is the only way to use it in 'otherthan' Word to cut and paste?

™! Cool!

Actually, it's ALT-0153 (on your keypad, not the numbers above the letters on your keyboard)

™ = ALT-153

ALSO,

è is ALT-0232, Ü is ALT-0220, ü is ALT-0252.

Any other requests?

I'm only following about ½ of this.

é

(type touche in word, and copy/paste the accented e into the typepad thingy.)

Speaking of Chicago, how's this for a perky / psychotic news team?

http://www.foxchicago.com/

I think this™ and that → ♫…. And also © need their own thread here…

Gosh! I may have to update my résumé . . .

Congratulations BLT, not to mention good karma - my youngest daughter (just turned 5) is named Ariane.

Actually, she's a regular karma-of-plenty, given that she was born on the exact same day as her now 11-year-old sister.

And, thank you kindly, to the inscrutable Mr./Ms. some_people_juggle_geese™, slyeyes™, U.O™, Mr. C™, and all others whose advice materialized while I typed this.

The rest of this post is now superseded, but I typed it and, d*mn it, it's gonna be posted.

There's probably a much easier way to do this, but I get umlauted and other international characters (like à å Û ß ý ñ) by copy/pasting them from a Word document. In Word, you can insert symbols and special characters by going to Insert/Symbol from the top menu, scrolling through and selecting the font that contains that the character(s) you want, highlighting a specific character, and clicking on the Insert button. Then it's cut and paste from Word into the comments box. Sly - somehow the cut and paste thing for TM wouldn't work for me, though.

Naperville is definitely not Chicago.

Actually, I've found a page with directions for these funky characters in both html and non-html - but it's full of ads & other junk. Hubby has promised to strip out the content we want and give me a link to give you all, but we'll have to post it later.

Congrats, BLT.

Blue Meanie; I always thought your girls were twins! But you were just being birthdate-efficient.

BLT - yeah, I sorta dismember that part of your story ... but that was ... last year! (& I'm an organizing force in Ubergeezer Onymous ... xcept we've only got three (or four?) steps in the program, 'cuz we've fergot the rest of them ...

No, I do NOT have 9,834 characters memorized ... I have 'em written on some of the open area of my keyboard ...

ALSO, some of the number thingies I use are different than whut some of vous use, 'cuz I'm on a Mac ...

HOWEVER, in an attempt to do the umlaut, I just discovered that ™ can be done here with "option(alt)" and then strike "2" ... so I'm gonna try some others ...

¡ £ ¢ ∞ § ¶ • ª º ≠ `~

... WOWSER! Guess whut I learnt from the BLOG today!!!

No umlaut yet tho, and no "right slant" accent mark over a letter ... hmmm ...

... and I only have TWO of the 9,834 written there ... musn't be silly, ya know ...

œ  ∑  ´  ®  †  ¥  ¨  ˆ  ø  “  ‘  «  å  ß  ∂  ƒ  ©  ˙  ∆  ˚  ¬  …  æ  Ω  ≈  ç  √  ∫  ˜  µ  ≤  ≥  ÷  

WOWSER! THERE'S A BUNCH OF THEM!

(I gnu that ... but I fergot ... why should today be NE different ???)

Thanks, Blue Meanie! Yeah, I've always thought it was a nifty thing that my son (soon to be 6) was born on the same day as one of my cousins (who's only 3 years older than him), and my husband's youngest half-sister was born on my 18th birthday. There's something really special about shared birthdays, somehow.

Test:

Résumé ... There! Got it!

Can I get a ® on that? Or a © ?

I love this blog ... or did I mention that already?

I sense the preview button is getting a real workout today.

Yeah, Sly, we've gotten away with doubling up on the birthday parties - until this year, that is. (No savings on the gifts, though). The girls are actually pretty proud of being 1-in-133,225 sisters, despite the fact that this happenstance was meticulously unplanned. In fact, our plan - such as it was - was to try NOT to have another early January baby.

I keep finding and losing the sites that give all these hints for symbols and how to color your letters.

Why didn't you SAY you were in Chicago? I would have watched a morning show or something! If it was on before I went on the radio! Which channel? Are you here long? Book signing locally? Enough non-period quotation marks now? Yes!

Yes, BLT ... someone who has had the same experiences with that special day, and it's surprising how people may find that they have the same likes/dislikes/good/bad experiences to share about that ...

BTW, BLT ... how about some pix of Arianna?

don't mention Résumé to me. Recently they decided to reclassify my position. So I had to up date my Résumé, apply for the job, interview for the job -- all just a formality, following regulations, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I didn't get my job, somebody else got my job.

Übergeezer ...

Snakes' Hips! Got it!

Way ta go, Ü.Ò!

*Watches the Happy Geezer Dance*

Listen, and you can hear the sound of thousands of people who already knew all this stuff about a hundred years ago shaking their heads, and clicking madly to see if a new topic has been posted.

Ceeg22 - What a royally F'ed up thing to do to someone. Not much comfort until something else materializes, but you're probably better off elsewhere if that's how they treat their employees (associates, team members, whatever BS term is in vogue nowadays).

ceeg22; that sucks! Sorry.

ceeg22 -- add mine to the growing list of condolences. Can't think of too many things that suck worse than that feeling.

Ubergeezer it is, esp. since there are two little great-grandfuturegeezers involved. Thanks to all for their thoughtful consideration of this problem.
Now I really AM going back to work...
Oh, but P.S. thanks to Dave R. for the knowledgable backup on Chicago vs. Naperville. And thanks to Kevin for the link to Fox News in the Morning. The picture at the bottom of that page definitely reflects the kind of no-holds-barred hard-hitting news we get to begin each day. I especially like the maniacal tango team on the right.

I can't believe Dave is going to be in Naperville tonight... about 1/2 a mile from where I'll be teaching dog school. Maybe the puppies won't miss me.

ceeg22 - Dude. Been there, got that T-shirt. Sucks badly. Condolences.

*hands ceeg22 a parfait...

Ceeg - been there dude... Few years back I was "filling in" doing morning news for a radio group I worked for. After 4 months they finally started "auditioning" candidates for the job (myself included). The short story is that not only did I not get the position (after 6 months of being there every AM, with increased ratings), but I had to TRAIN the dyslexic they hired to fill the position. No kidding - the buggars hired a dyslexic to READ the morning news!! Wont mention the name of the company, but they Clear(ly) have more Channel(s) (read stations) than any other radio group in the nation.

Ack! This sadistic tactic has happened to at least 3 of our blogsters™. At a rough but generous count of about 150 regularly posting blogsters, and extrapolating that to the U.S. working population as a whole (not a**hole), this suggests that nearly 1.5 million working Americans have had this cr*p pulled on them!

What kind of cowardly nation are we becoming?

thanks, guys! you're right, I don't want to work for the person who didn't hire me. I'm glad I don't have to train my replacement! There would be a good size turnout for a party of people who've gone through this.

CoastRaven, you speakum truth. What you describe is a large part of why I'm a former radio critter. Thankfully I had the satisfaction of quitting my last gig, rather than getting blown out.

Definition of job security in radio: It's what they tell you you have when they give you a parking space with the last guy's name painted over.

It's a similar world out there, no matter whut your occupation/vocation/career ... sh!theads everywhere ...

the most satisfaction I've had outa such (sorta almost similar) events wuz when friends @ the place (who remained friends, even afterwards) told me that six months after Der Tag ... even the top dogs (Sunsabitches, actually) were admitting that they fired the wrong person ...

Next most satisfaction was that I got a different job within 16 hours, and that one (better) led to another (even a bunch better) and I still live there, and I watch the idiocy and stupidity they've had come along that's sorta wrecking the whole deal ... schandenfreude? ... you betcha!

oops ... schadenfreude ... sorry ... (that I misspelt it, not sorry about the job dealy ... )

... and ... sorry that ceeg and them others have hadda go thru a situation such as those with fecal cerebellumitis problems ...

But, what is the name of the new book?

Carla - um... Dave Barry's Money Secrets - there's a link on the left side of this page, kinda up towards the top)... you really must pay attention!!! Our Dave™ shouldn't be out strumpeting while his own blogsters, arguably his biggest fans, are ignorant of every outflow of his talent!

U.O., you are a card! Mind you, I've been saying "wow, I learned something from the blog today" in my head for the last half-hour or so . . . Sadly, the alt key and any other key seem to just do weird things to my browser - maybe it's 'cause I use Firefox, huh

Sorry, had to go feed the baby in the middle of posting - got back, saw I hadn't posted, then watched my suddenly very off-topic comments hit the bottom of the blog . . .

I'll try to post a photo or two later on - going to have to get hubby-help on that one, and he's off helping clients at the moment. (Gosh darn it, how dare he be out making money when I want him to help me with a frivolous thing!) Not that posting pictures of our little sweetie is frivolous, exactly, but it's not gonna help the family bottom line. :-)

All that conversation, and still no explanation for the "lemonade." Wouldn't any liquid work as a coolant? Cordoroy has a "nap" which means the fibers tend to lay one direction or another. If they are unmatched, could cause friction?

I especially enjoyed the "hot crotches" jingle. Will not be able to watch that commercial again without hooting.

Thanks for the yuks.

BLT ... that's cool ... whenever ...

Now, if you wanna see pix of my newest grandson ...

(Notice how I snuck that one into the thread? Old dog. Old tricks.)

And ... as to the "alt/option" key, mebbe it's 'cuz I've got a Mac ... not sayin' better/worse ... just sayin' ... different ... NTTAWWT?

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