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January 27, 2006

SHEEP IN THE NEWS

Who knew?

(Thanks to Pillage Idiot, who points out it's lucky they're not okapi)

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My goat, Mr. Whipplesworth, poops sapphire doots. But golden fleece? Wow.

Shorn once a year - kept mostly indoors - fed a special diet - and they have "Superfine" hair...
Holy Jesus Juice! Dont let Michael Jackson find out about these sheep!!

♫ (go)Figure-O, Figure-O, Figure-O ♫

As I've said elsewhere, this reminds me of The Great Pashmina Scam of a few years ago.

Fed: wasn't "Saphire Doots" a song by King Crimson or maybe the Mahavishnu Orchestra?

sapphire doots. (now look sad and say "d'oh".)

Oh, just what I want - uppity wool from uppity sheep who listen to opera.

I'll stick with my polyester, thank you very much. ;)

No, wait. "Sapphire Doots" was the name of a novel by Ray Bradbury. That's it!

And on a hot day, your polyester will stick with you, too.

Those sheep sound like they have quite the life and lifestyle. I wish I was a sheep.

OK, not really, cause there are negative connotations to being a sheep - "You just follow everyone like a sheep", and so forth - but still - opera, specially prepared food, shorn once a year. I barely get to my toenails once a year, and I've been eating leftovers for longer than that!

Baa baa chic sheep,
have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir;
one bale full.

11.8 microns
I've taken pains to grow.
So Loro Piana
can have fine cloth to sew.

Mudstuffin-

As far as I know (0.042 microns longitude), the King Crimson version was a remake of the popular country song "Lurleene Done Up and Left Me and All I Got Was These Shiny Turds" by Big Earl and the Stumpstickers.

Can you imagine what (besides huge piles of sheep doots) these critters would produce if they were subjected to the song stylings of Mr. Barry Manilow. Or, maybe that's where his hair comes from.

Sheep nutritionist? It's sad to think that they, in all likelihood, eat better than I do.

If I had sapphire doots
I'd buy me one of them suits
to match my ermine boots
I'd by snootier than snoot
instead I got the scoots
and my birthday suit
is like an ugli fruit
boo-hooty hoot hoot.

Fed - LOL
Lairbo - BM = doots

Sheep nutritionist? It's sad to think that they, in all likelihood, earn more than I do

Hagrid turned be into a newt
like blast-ended screwt
get my nine-mil and shoot
that great hairy brute

I Googled "sapphire doots" and got squat. How can nobody have a page devoted to this concept?
Any takers? Anyone? Bueller?

Duck... I'm not sure how to make a link, but I got this on wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jan_de_Doot

Anything that increases the market for Border collies is cool with me.

*loads stereo into truck and heads for pasture*

Key quote: "A painting by Rembrandt portrays him holding in his right hand a scalpel, and in his left hand a large bladder stone set in gold."

Googling "defecating gemstones" led me to some yoga-oriented websites. Go figure.

Boy, wait until these farmers find out what kind of wool these sheep can produces after fully penetrative sex!

Oh wait, I reckon they already know that.

"19 microns! Jeff, get in here! I told you just blowin' 'em doesn't work!"

Oh, gawd, Cbol...

*averting eyes*

How many microns in a doot?

Okay. Time for a new story.

OK, I think *snork*ing at pretty much everybody is in order... Hee hee hee.

"Doot" is a funny word.

I mean the regulars have done their best with a completely lame story but it's time to move on. Dave or Judi, have mercy on us.

Lyle: (Baa) I'm getting tired of this Andrea Bocelli stuff. Whad'ya think?
Sheila: (Baa) A little change might be nice.
Lyle: (Baa) I was thinkin' maybe some Wooly Nelson - how about that?
Sheila: (Baa) Nah, maybe a little Johnny Cashmere, though.
Lyle: (Baa) OK, and then how 'bout some James Cotton, just to round it off....
Sheila: (Baa) Alright. Hungry?
Lyle: (Baa) Yeah, but no more of that special feed. I want a Snickers.

*I know - pretty lamb.*
*Runs for cover*

I got nothin'.

That's not what Mrs. ThePoint says.

Hmm. Must be a Friday afternoon.

*snork* @ S-girl, btw; was thinking the same myself ;)

nuff said

Earwig Alert: Even Now

Even now, when they’re cutting off my hair
When there's someone there who's shearing just for me
Even now I think about ewes, but I know you just don’t care
And I wonder if the other sheep can see?

Even now, though my wool just won’t look right
And I've found a better farm than what I had
Even though I eat my food now in the middle of the field
I can't believe it still could hurt so baaaaaaad!

Even now, when I have come this far
I still wonder at the stars,
I wonder why it's still so hard without ewes
Even now, when this Brokeback fad is through,
I swear I think of ewes, and God I wish you knew
Christobol...

(Apologies to Cbol, but his name fit the rhythm of the verse)

"advice from a sheep nutritionist." I wonder what college a sheep has to go to for a "Nutritionist" degree?

Dave, in the interest of a proper scientific study, a comparison MUST be made with other musical genres. Lairbo will be handling the Barry Manilow research flock and I've got a truckload of sheep on the road to YOUR house where they will have "Rock Bottom Remainders" music to enjoy 24/7. The truckload of Snickers for their special diet will be delivered soon as well. We will check back in a year when it's time to shear and see how you've done, micrometer-wise. Oh, and I have a company of ex-Marines en route with 50 cal machine guns, RPG's and other essentials to defend the herd in case Michael "FREAK" Jackson gets wind of them. And of course, everyone within several miles of your house WILL get wind of 'em.....

GOOD LUCK (and happy doot-shoveling)!!

"Micrometer-wise"? I mean "Micron-wise"...

S-girl and Tamara/RWC - Well, I... um... okay, who am I to argue?

(If a man speaks in the forest, and there's no woman around to hear him, does anyone care?)

Mr. C. I think what you mean is that if a women speaks will a man listen ?

Mr. C:

Is your FIRST name "Mister" which is then followed by Completely Mrs. The Point?

Is that what your wife had in mind? :)

DiTx - I think we all know the answer to that one.

Uh, I mean, of course we do... (if we know what's good for us!)

The way what I heared it were like this...
If a man speaks in the forest, and there's no woman around to tell him he is wrong, is he still lost?

CR - *snork*

CR, the way what *I* heared it is, "if he's a man he's lost". PERSONALLY, I'm NEVER lost, although at times I am creative in the route I take to get from Point A to Point B...

I hearded (not herded) this one:
"If a man speaks in the forest and there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?"
Either way is funny, and that's all that really matters, isn't it.

I hearded (not herded) this one:
"If a man speaks in the forest and there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?"
Either way is funny, and that's all that really matters, isn't it.

Okay - completely off topic here, but what the heck. It has been announced that Stephen Colbert is this years host of the White House Correspondants Dinner. A little after I became a fan of His Humorcolumness, way back when (not so way back for some) he hosted it and gave a GUTBUSTINGLY FUNNY speech about the "Failed Clinton Administration". Does anyone remember that, and even tougher, any idea where to get a copy?

gosh, my internet hates me today. I apologize for the multiple posts.

Earwig Alert: I Only Have Eyes...

Are the sheep out tonight?
I just know we're not very bright
Cause I only have eyes for ewes, dear
My wool may be high
But I can't see with hair in my eyes
Cause I only have eyes for ewes

I don't know if we're in a pen
Or stuck in a crowded stall again
Ewes are here, so am I
Perhaps millions of our flock went by?
But they all disappear from view
Cause I only have eyes for ewes....

PB - You are getting vewwy vewwy sweepy. Count the sheep, count the sheep.

It's time for today's poetry recital. Today's poem is the Lampoon version of See the Merino. (Ahem)
Verse 1
See the merino standing there
With his long shaggy hair.
Verse 2
See the merino standing there
With his long shaggy heir.
Verse 3
See the merino standing there
With his long shag...Grrk! Gaak! Ahggh!
(Shepherd's crook reaches from beyond the curtains stage left. Snatches narrator from stage.)
Fade to black.

Counting sheep, the new math:
Sheep + opera = golden fleece
Sheep + Hasselhoff = polyester
Sheep + C'bol = misdemeanor

Yes. He's still lost.

(Enters stage left dusting off cape.)
Where was I? Oh, yeah.
Verse 4
See Dan Marino standing there
With his long...g...g...Grrk! Gakk! Aargh!
(Exits stage left, encrooked again)
Fade to mauve

An Aussie, hiking thru New Zealand, spots a Kiwi farmer having his way with a sheep in a nearby pasture. Approaching the fence, the Aussie calls out, "Y'know in Austrylyuh we shear those!"
The farmer calls back, "I ain't shearin' this one with nobody!"

Not sure, I may have read this here, but deal with it.

A guy walks into the bedroom, where his girlfriend is in bed. He has a sheep under his arm, and says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache, dear."

The girlfriend says, "I believe you will find that is a sheep under your arm."

The guy says, "I believe you will find I was talking to the sheep."

*rimshot*

Bestiality jokes? I thought this was a family-freindly blog...

Only for certain kinds of families. The Mansons, perhaps, or the Osbornes, and, well, most of us aparently. NTTAWWT

OMG!

See the Merino standing there,
with his long, shaggy hair ...

I have (somewhere) an old humor book (Campus Comedy? Campus Humor?) with a segment that expounds upon this quotation ... with cartoons to illustrate ... Gawsh, I wish I could find a way to share it with y'all ... it's great ...

examples: p'haps y'all can visualize a bit ... one may only hope ...

See the Merino, Stan Ding, there ... with his long, shaggy hair ... (Oriental-looking critter, holding sign that says "HI, I'm Stanley Ding")

Seethe, the Merino, standing there ... (Boiling mad sheep ...)

See the Merino, standing there, with his long, shaggy hayer ... (Tall, skinny farmer with a scythe ...)

See, thumber Enos, standing there ... (Hitchhiker, sign says "I'm Enos")

See the Merino ... with his long, shaggy heir ...

Well, sorry ... mebbe y'all hadda of been there ...

pogo, you made me *snork* beer. I've never done that before.

mudstuffin: I don't know about the King Crimson song, but the Mahavishnu Orchestra song you're thinking of is "Sapphire Bullets of Pure Love".

/really useless trivia

U.O, that's from the National Lampoon from many, many moons ago. That's where I got the inspiration for the drivel posted above. I think my copy fell apart in the '70s. It was hilarious!

And, pogo, TNX for a *snork*ing good joke! Kudos also to The Bloke whose email addy says he's "big down under."

On another note, I used to be into sado-necro-bestiality...but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

Stupe' --

Not to be argufiable, but as to the book (paperback) cited, I'm thinking predated the National Lampoon by a few/several years ... (remember, I'm OLD) ... or, mebbe it was a collection, and they anthologized (anthromorpised? I allus get them two mixed up) it from the Lampoon ...

NO!

Now that I think of it, it mighta been from the HARVARD Lampoon, which wuz a precursor to the NATIONAL Lampoon ... does that idea werk?

Whut ever ... so, you've seen it also ... someday, mebbe I'll find my copy, and I can scan it, and then send it out onto the ether ...

... and ... to belabor a deceased equine quadruped ... whut's the deal with the blog clock?

The few, the proud, the Merinos...

*snork* Lairbo. Once a Merino, always a Merino.

U.O, it was the Harvard Lampoon of Playboy magazine where the centerfold was tanned where she should have been pale and vice versa. I think they billed it as Pl*yb*y. It looked just like Playboy and was filled with jokes so lame, without the asterisks it would surely have encroached on Hef's domain.

Stupe' -

Yeah, I dismember that issue ... had it once, lost or threwed away ...

According to the history page of the Lampoon, Playboy actually helped them with production, advertisers and such ...

I tried to google the Merino cartoon thingy, couldn't find it, but some references to the old joke, so ... I'm perty sure that the item I'm citing was taken from the Harvard Lampoon, tho the National might've rerun it ... whatever ... still a great little entertainment item ... and, I still dunno where my copy might be ... stored in some box or plastic tub in some garage or basement ... somewhere in Area Code 701 ... that's about as close as I can be, on location ...

Yeah, U.O, it's getting bad when you have to use your GPS to track down your books. Of course, I have to use mine just to track my beer. Gotta get me a Beerbot.

U.O - As a trained technical person with degrees saying so and with lots of experience documenting technical things, my technical opinion is that the blog clock is broken.

Works for me ...

(The theory/opinion, not the blog clock ... altho, now it seems to be back to "normal" ...)

"Sheep nutritionist"?

"I don't know about the King Crimson song, but the Mahavishnu Orchestra song you're thinking of is "Sapphire Bullets of Pure Love"."

And a They Might Be Giants song as well--surely not the same one...

Also, I can't believe that nobody so far has mentioned that "Operatic Sheep" WBAGNFARB.

(using best W.C. Fields voice)
Aahh,yes. I remember Operatic Sheep. I caught their act in a pasture outside Bigbee, or was it Homosassa Springs...summer of '29. Offered the lead singer a ride in my new automobile. Gawd she was heavenly! But when I offered her a drink from my hip flas...Godfrey Daniel, it's the BlogWarden! WHACK!!! (loses W.C. Fields voice) Medic! Hack! Koff! What's she packing in that purse?! I'm taking up a collection to get her an operation! If I have my way, she'll never be called "Sir" again! Sputter!

**loves Stupendous Man a cuppa his favorite coffee .. Chock Full `O Booze**

Good job, Stupe' ... I gotta say tho, that this whole blog deal is getting to be a little frustrating ... I mean ... I'm trineta dismember a specific scene/dialogue from an old movie/book and so I go to google it ... and I find a quote from here on the Dave Barry™ blog ... posted by ... moi ownself ... at a time in the murkiness of the distant past (anything older than two months seems to fit that time frame) ...

So ... I dunno which is worse ... not bein able to find stuff, or finding stuff that I mentioned before, and fergot I said it ...

the only good thing about getting older is the reminder one gets when considering the alternative ...

I think I first saw "See the Merino ...." in the old Saturday Review, probably 30 or more years ago. A wonderful magazine, hasn't been published in years, edited by Norman Cousins. I'd love to find the whole poem again.

U.O. I'm also a past owner of the original joke book containing the Marino Stan Ding and other versions. I've been looking for a copy lately and seem to remember the original title of the paperback as "Sick Jokes". It was a classic for young boys in the '50s.

See the merino standing there with his long shaggy hair. MAD magazine ran this sentence as a dictionary example for merino. They then did a bunch of various
phonetically similar sentences with illustrations.If anyone has an old copy and could post it that would be great.

Definitely Harvard Lampoon. We had a little paperback. This is the crowd that did Bored of the Rings. Each homonym was also illustrated, barely.

I'll never forget Thumber Enos standing there. With his yadda yadda.

Dr Dr Holt

Here's your farking reference you OCD tightarses

http://www.thecrimson.harvard.edu/article/1969/6/9/the-lampoon-pbwbhos-put-the-mean/

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