I recently learned that my old friend Gene Weingarten, who writes for the Washington Post, and, in his spare time, works as a fashion model, owns a walrus-penis bone, or oosik, which Gene says he bought in Alaska from (this is a direct quote) "an eskimo named Larry."
So Gene and I got to talking about our oosiks, and naturally the question arose: Whose is bigger? Gene measured his, and sent an email stating:
My oosik, sir, is 21 and a half inches, end to end. The little ivory caps add another one and a half inches.
So I measured Walter, and was stunned to discover that Walter is also exactly 21 and a half inches long. Walter does not have "little ivory caps," but then Walter, unlike some, is confident enough in his masculinity not to need them.
But anyway, the question arises: Is it mere coincidence that, statistically, 100 percent of all the Walrus-penis bones that I know of are exactly the same length? Or are all male walruses, in fact, equally male? How do the lady walruses feel about this? And what should Gene call his oosik? Incredibly, he hasn't thought to give it a name. I'm thinking he should call it "Shorty." But I welcome your suggestions.
Update: Commenter Bumble notes that, to judge from the specimens on this page, Gene and I have unusually big oosiks.