Dave Barry's Blog

VALENTINE'S DAY UPDATE

Here's a tasteful gift.

(Also via Gizmodo)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(Via Gizmodo)

THE STRUGGLE FOR HUMAN RIGHTS

We still have far to go.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

NEWS IN THE NEWS

Possibly inspired by this blog's high-quality and insightful live coverage of 24, the Wichita Eagle newspaper editorial board blog is going to be  blogging the State of the Union speech tonight, and apparently you can comment on the speech while it is being delivered. I mention this because (a) the higher powers at Knight Ridder asked me to, and (b) the publisher of the Eagle, Mr. Lou Heldman, once performed "The Tupperware Song" with me live in front of 1,000 Tupperware distributors. Also in the band were Mr. Gene Weingarten and Mr. Tom Shroder of the Washington Post. Here is an account of our performance.  God knows how far we could have gone as a band if we had not been destroyed -- like so many great musicians -- by journalism.

HONEST POLITICIAN UPDATE

We spoke too soon.

(Thanks to bjorn of the message board)

A GRATEFUL PUBLIC REJOICES

It's a good thing somebody finally put a stop to this nonsense. We must not, under any circumstances, have a nice day.

(Thanks to CoastRaven)

24

Very strong performance by everybody last night. Good work. Many insightful comments were posted on last night's episode before last night's episode even started.

I've read the comments, and if I understand them correctly, the terrorists, who are from the former Soviet nation of Badaccentistan, removed the nerve gas from the ship and are going to use it on the United States, unless Jack Bauer can stop them. Jack almost got the canisters by telling the presidential aide mole weasel that he (Jack) was going to remove his (the mole weasel's) eyeball with a knife, at which point he (the mole weasel) revealed the location of the canisters, at which point he (Jack) failed to go ahead and remove the eyeball anyway.

Jack has been oddly passive lately.

Also President Manilow realized that his wife was telling the truth, but she's pretty ticked off, so the head of state is clearly not getting any First Lady Lovin' any time soon.

But the main thing now is the canisters. Jack has to find them, and he only has until, what, May. We can only hope and pray that he finds them before harm comes to anybody else, except of course Audrey. We are all for harm coming to Audrey. All these other perfectly good actors are getting bumped off, and Audrey is still there, weeping and causing Jack to have feelings. This is bad! Jack is singlehandedly responsible for the security of the entire United States! He can't be having feelings and letting weasels keep their eyeballs!

I'm sorry to be shouting. But dammit, this is important.

24

For the third consecutive Monday night I'm going to be strumpeting for my book and will miss 24. So once again I'm counting on you folks to provide commentary and analysis. As I understand it, here's where the plot stands:
1. The terrorists have these canisters of nerve gas, which apparently they're going to use on... Moscow! Why they came all the way to California to get nerve gas to use on Moscow is beyond me. Maybe you can't get good nerve gas in the Mosow area. Maybe the terrorists just wanted to be on 24. Whatever the reason, this canister thing can't really be the REAL plot, because the worst that could happen is that everybody in Moscow would die a horrible death, and that is frankly not enough of a menace to require Jack Bauer's attention.
2. Speaking of Jack, he had a slow episode last week, with virtually no physical activity other than killing an assassin by stabbing him in the neck with medical scissors. Jack also discovered that President Manilow's weasel assistant -- the one who knocked out the first lady and snatched the classified document from her cleavage -- is a mole.
3. Meanwhile the first lady is on the lam in her pajamas. Pajama-lama-ding-dong! (Pay no attention. I am sleep-deprived.)
4. And a bunch of other stuff.

NONCRAPCAM UPDATE

The candidate is gearing up for Campaign 2008 by kissing babies in Berkeley.

(Thanks to Higgy for the baby and the photo)

TO THE BLOG

You may want to reconsider your flight home.

(Thanks to Chris)

GOOD NEWS FOR PEOPLE WITH A FEW EXTRA POUNDS

New labels may soon make it easier for you to lose weight.

(Thanks to Mike Davis)

ATTENTION, AUSTRALIANS

Be advised that you are on snake alert. Keep your eyes open when out in the paddock. Also, Reptile Rescue Tasmania recommends that you carry at least two bandages and a mobile phone. We will have updates on this story as soon as we figure out what the hell a "paddock" is.

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

And there's still time to get your bid in.

(Thanks to Brian Hicks' persistent wife)

THE MOST DEPRESSING THING IN THE WORLD

That would be the five-day forecast for Seattle. Basically, it's rain, followed by rain, and then increasing rain, then maybe a little less rain, then more rain, then, for the weekend, rain. I don't know how people here find the strength to go on. I would take my hat off to them, but my head would get wet.

A FINE NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Loincloth Outrage

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ATTENTION, GOATS

We hope this serves as a deterrent.

(Thanks to rick harover)

LEGAL DEFENSE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

"I wanted to eat him, but I didn't want to kill him."

(Thanks to Eaglie)

MAYBE THEY MISUNDERSTOOD THE PRIME MINISTER

Maybe the word he actually used was "erection."

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr)

YET ANOTHER GREAT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Senile Octopus

(Thanks to Stupendous Man)

UPDATE: Give it up for Wet Earwax

(Thanks to Bill Case)

MORONS? OR IDIOTS?

We link; you decide.

BOOK STRUMPETING UPDATE

Today I'm on my way to Seattle, which I understand is where they keep the Internet. I look forward to seeing it.

UPDATE

One of the best things about a book tour is the glamor. Here I am "chilling" in the swank back office of a bookstore with a famous celebrity.

UPDATE

I am definitely in California. I know this because my booksigning last night was attended by a man wearing a penguin costume and playing a blue ukelele.

I assume it goes without saying that he has a blog.

UPDATE

Sorry about the lack of blogging. I'm running around the San Francisco area strumpeting for my book by whatever means necessary. I have even been "podcasting." I'm not sure exactly what "podcasting" is, but I have been assured that there is no danger as long as everybody involved wears protection.

IF YOU REALLY AND TRULY LOVE A GUY

You will give him this.

(Thanks to Wes)

SHEEP IN THE NEWS

Who knew?

(Thanks to Pillage Idiot, who points out it's lucky they're not okapi)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

(Thanks to Drew Harchick. Also thanks, everyone else in the world, but you should actually be grateful we aren't blogging this ever again.)

DENVER UPDATE

It has been a busybusybusy book-tour day here in Denver. Basically I am sprinting into TV and radio studios, shouting "BUY BOOK! BOOK IS FUNNY! YOU LAUGH! HA HA!", then sprinting out.

At one point I sprinted into a luncheon, where one of the guests was frequent blog commenter WriterDude. He gave me a small stuffed buffalo, which in the West is how a man tells another man that he would like to herd sheep with him, if you get my drift.

No, really, the buffalo is for my daughter. Here is an exclusive CrapCam photo of WriterDude with the buffalo and me. (The buffalo is in the middle.)

CLARIFICATION

Are we allowed to make fun of names of inanimate objects? For instance: Hol-ee Floater.

(Thanks to jon harris)

NAME WITHHELD

To protect the (without a doubt) innocent.

(Thanks to Greta Hansen)

YET ANOTHER SCIENCE UPDATE

Scientists tackle the tough questions.

(Thanks to Greg Sliker)

PENDING SCIENCE UPDATE

This item shall go unreported while The Blog is on book tour.

(Thanks to Jill Kiar)

STRUMPETING UPDATE

Today I'm on my way to strumpet for my book in Denver, which is also known, because of its 5,280-foot elevation, as "The City That Is Really Far From Its Own Airport." Thanks to everybody who came to the signing last night in Kansas City. Please stop bringing food! It was delicious.

Here's an exclusive CrapCam photo of blogsterette Jaybird, who brought a Snickers (Evil woman!) and a lemonade, in case I wore vertically piped corduroy.

BLESSED ART THOSE

...who serve wings.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, always on the lookout for interesting items)

A BLOW AGAINST TYRANNY

It's not so much that we care about student rights... it's that we hope more of them will grow up to appreciate freedom.

(Thanks to rickadjuster)

UPDATE: Freeeeeeeeeeeedom. Right, Jack?

SEAFOOD, ANYONE?

Key Names That We Are Not Making Fun Of: Jephhren Zefrinus Wong, Lawrence Aissol.

(Via Sploid)

THE MOST POWERFUL FORCE IN THE UNIVERSE

That would be the force field created by the Snickers in the hotel mini-bar. It calls to me. From the moment I walk into the room, I hear it calling "Dave... Daaaaaaaaaave... You know you want me, Dave. You know you cannot resist me. Come to the mini-bar, Dave. Remove my wrapper."

I try to resist, but I can't. I am weak. And the Snickers is strong.

GUYS

They're always working to make the world a better place.

(Via Gizmodo)

ATTENTION, ROMANTIC INDIVIDUALS LOOKING FOR A SPECIAL VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT

Nothing says "You will remember me always" like a packet of Amul Fundoo.

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Also BULLETIN

UPDATE: BULLETIN

(Thanks to Colleen Tolton and Pirateboy. Update: Jeff Meyerson)

FOR THE WINTER VACATION PLANNER

Where not to go.

(Thanks to [whoops] Jeff Meyerson)

WHY THIS BLOG DOES NOT GET INVOLVED IN KARAOKE

If you are a man of the male gender, do not even think of clicking here.

NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT

Snake lovers are uniting.

Meanwhile in Cleveland:  WEWS-TV viewers are on full alert.

BOOK-STRUMPETING ADVISORY

I'm going to Kansas City. Kansas City, here I come! As the song goes:

They got some crazy little women there
But they can control that
With medication

UPDATE: Here's a nice report from a relatively sane KC blogger-woman named Katy.

GREAT PIECE BY GENE WEINGARTEN

Gene's a very funny man, but also a superb journalist. If you have a little time for a great read, click here.

UPDATE

I imagine everybody is sick and tired of blog posts about 24, so for a change of pace, I thought I'd post a couple of links concerning 24. Here (thanks to Lori) is a helpful technical analysis of Jack Bauer's activities, which apparently include time travel. And here is a blog entry by our old pal Joel Achenbach.

Tonight I am strumpeting for my book in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a nice state featuring nice people and a surprising level of sophistication.

ATTENTION, GOOD PEOPLE OF EDWARDSVILLE

Keep your guard up.

(Thanks to slyeyes. And we hope this hasn't been blogged before. It's sometimes hard to remember.)

FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW

MMMMM! What's that smell?

(Thanks to Dr. Doug)

STORY OF THE DAY FOR THE LADIES

They think this is news. Isn't that cute?

(Thanks to xmnr)

24

OK, I have read through all 18,763 comments on last night's episode, and I have only one question: What the hell happened?

But seriously: I think I have the gist of it. There was a mole at CTU, yes? The 9-year-old that Chloe was boinking? And they figured this out? Of course it's not much of a mystery: There's always a mole at CTU. They have some kind of affirmative-action program that requires them to hire a certain percentage of mole-Americans. The guy's ID tag probably said "MOLE."

Anyway, they figured out that he was a mole, and that the guy who works in the White House is a mole. is that right? And Jack stabbed somebody in the neck with scissors? Good for Jack! It's time he branched out. Why did he stab the guy? Not that it matters, really.

And I gather that First Lady Cleavage is on the run in her pajamas. Also good. What about the canisters? Do we know what they're for yet?

Other than these minor questions I feel totally up-to-date. Thanks again for your efforts. Everybody should take today off.

VALENTINE'S DAY IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER

So you're probably in the market for a very special gift.

(Via Gizmodo)

WHOA

Looks like you folks did some very strong analyzing last night. I will analyze your analysis later today when I get a break from strumpeting. Meanwhile, I want to thank the blogsters who came out to Naperville last night and gave me an official blog name tag and, for judi, Barbie's new boyfriend. Apparently Barbie ditched Ken and has a new boyfriend named, I think, Blair. Here we all are:

To be honest, Blair looks to me like he might be more interested in Ken, not that there is anything wrong with that.

24

As we begin tonight's episode, the situation is very, very bad. The bad guys have canisters, and the nation is doomed. But Jack Bauer is on the case, so there is no question that before long everything will be much, much worse. I'm going to be at a booksigning in Naperville, Ill., so I will miss tonight's action, which means I'm relying on you folks to rave like lunatics provide expert analysis in the comments section. Thank you, and good luck, and if you are wearing corduroy pants with vertical piping for God's sake do not walk around too much.

TERRORISM UPDATE

Our state of alertness continues to ratchet.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

CRIME IN BETHLEHEM, PA.

It's getting so a person can't even go outside.

IF YOU'VE BEEN WONDERING WHY YOU DIDN'T WANT TO GET UP THIS MORNING...

Wonder no more.

(Thanks, we guess, to Erendira Brumley)

HEADLINE OF THE DAY

These guys are real rocket scientists.

(Thanks to Fiwer)

FASCISM UPDATE

Now they're trying to take away our right to bear arms... errr....

(Sorry. And thanks to Kat)

LIKE A STRANGE U2 SONG...

(Thanks to Drew Harchick for the link and the blog entry itself)

DON'T WORRY, JACK!

We won't give you away.

(Thanks to Nancy M.)

MISLEADING/DISAPPOINTING HEADLINE OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Kafaleni)

URGENT ADVISORY FOR MEN

I am book-strumpeting in Chicago today, and on a local TV morning show one of the news personalities reported that men's corduroy pants with vertical piping can produce friction that causes a condition called "dangerously hot crotches." I am not making this up. She used the term "dangerously hot crotches" at least five times. So be prepared, corduroy-wearing men. Take precautions. Always carry lemonade.

CRIME IN SOUTHEAST MISSOURI

A troubling case is finally closed.

Key Name in Story: "Morley Swingle"

FUN NEW CRITTER DISCOVERED

Flesh-sucking penis fencers!

ADVISORY

I apologize for the lack of blog posts from me, but I'm still out being a book strumpet. In the past week I've strumpeted for my book on pretty much every television show there is, as evidenced by this unretouched photograph of a TV screen:

I have some troubling news: According to my book-tour schedule, I'll be at book-signings tomorrow night and the following Monday night, which means I'll miss the next two episodes of 24, at a critical time when the nation is under attack by bad-accent canister-wielding terrorists abetted by the evil mole weasel presidential aide who choked the first lady and snatched a classified document from her cleavage. I'm going to miss what happens next and I CAN'T STAND IT. I will be counting on you folks to keep me posted. Thank you.

SCIENCE ON THE MOVE

We salute the courageous soybean-paste flushers of Yorba Linda.

ONE QUESTION

Wouldn't you have noticed?

(Thanks to slyeyes)

RISE AND SHINE

Good morning, boys and girls! It's time to blow our interactive weiners!

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

TWO...TWO...TWO POSTS IN ONE

Bloglit #1: I like the posts about 24.

Bloglit #2: I like the productivity enhancers.

<CRASH>

Bloglit #1: Hey, you got your productivity enhancer on my 24.

Bloglit #2: You got your 24 on my productivity enhancer!

Bloglits #1 and #2: HEY! Let's get Mikey! He hates everything!

Mikey: Tastes great!

Mr. Whipple: Less filling!

Kid at the door: Mothers are like that. Yeah, they are.

Bloglits: Come on, geeez, just post the damn link.

(Thanks to Mark Tobin)

FRANKLY, WE'D RATHER HANG OUT WITH MORNING STAR

(Note: The YELLOW FOR CAUTION warning is down there, at the bottom. Be cautious. You probably don't even want to read this.)

During a gathering of about eight of our closest friends, something mysterious happened. The surprise was not an immediate surprise. We had the pleasure of a strange smell coming from our bathroom for three days before we actually discovered the wonderful present one of our friends had left us. We scoured the entire bathroom before we discovered it. I mean, who thinks to look under the cabinet for poop when cleaning the bathroom?

After bleaching the room from top to bottom with the pesky smell still lingering, we investigate the unexpected smell source, our bathroom cabinet. Whereupon, we found a Pittsburgh Pirate cup with dried out brown paper towels on top. After calling in several roommates to investigate, we all confirmed the smell source. It was immediately thrown away outside. Several minutes later after jokingly referring to how ridiculous it would be for someone to poop in a cup, curiosity overtook us. We went outside to the trashcan armed with rubber gloves. We picked the cup up out of the trash and dumped it out. Sure enough, poo.

And now we're wondering . . . how close are these close friends of ours? I mean one of them pooped in a cup and put it in our cabinet. Who does that? Just in case anyone out there finds themselves with a cup full of poo, make sure you take it with you when you leave. Because as much as your friends love you, they do not love finding your poo in a cup three days later under their cabinets. If in fact you find yourself a recipient of this wonderful gift, we want to let you know that a lot of beer and a pack of cigarettes helped us forget about it for about four hours while the buzz lasted. We're still pissed. Kelly Tucker & Molly Laurence, Washington, D.C.

WE DO NOT WANT TO POINT FINGERS OR ANYTHING

But this explains a lot.

(Thanks to many alert readers, and TV's Craig "the-reason-the-s.b.-is-often-late-for-work" Ferguson)

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER AWARD

This week's winner: Morning Star Vaber

SCIENCE MARCHES HIPPITY-HOPS FORWARD

(Thanks to Candy Tutt)

A SLOW NEWS DAY IN COLLINSVILLE?

We report; you decide.

MEANWHILE IN SAN DIEGO

Terror stalks the streets seats.

ATTENTION ALL UNITS

We have a female suspected of DWS. (Driving With Snake.)

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Thanks to the folks who came to my booksigning tonight in Atlanta. Several people boldly identified themselves as having connections with this blog, including Tamara (Rhymes with Camera) who continued the increasingly disturbing trend of people giving me gifts by presenting me with a giant Rice Krispie treat oosik, which can be seen being clutched nervously in the exclusive CrapCam photo below. I don't know how Tamara made this oosik, and I don't want to know.

WE ARE FORGETFUL

But we are pretty sure we remember a pledge not to make fun of people's names any more, so we are going to refrain from blogging this. Err on the side of caution, as it were.

(Thanks to Thad Humphries

WE REALIZE THAT WE BLOGGED THIS ITEM YESTERDAY, BUT NOW THE BBC HAS COME UP WITH AN EXCELLENT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Give it up for: The Snack Hamsters

WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS

...is more monkeys like these.

(Thanks to many people)

WE'VE KNOWN A LOT OF GUYS LIKE THIS

I'm an attorney in Tacoma and I stumbled onto your blog because I'm also a 24 fan (it doesn't hurt that I'm a long time Dave Barry fan too).

Anyway, I saw the post about the oosik and thought I should write. I did some legal work years ago for a gentleman who collects Alaskan art and artifacts, including oosiks.  He owns many, some of them intricately carved.  The fact about oosiks I thought you might like to know is that the most valuable ones are covered with spider web-like networks of hairline fractures.

It seems that walruses not only suffer from raging mating instincts, they also suffer from extremely poor vision.  When the mood strikes, they look for a mate.  They sometimes see large, dark shapes in the water they believe to be good-looking female walruses.  After using their best moves they discover they made love to a boulder, hence the fractures in the oosik.  It's not easy being a walrus in love. Feel free to use the info (check it out for yourself) but please do not use my name.

DC UPDATE

Thanks to the blogsters who came out to the signing tonight, some of whom are pictured in the exclusive CrapCam photo below. (I'm hoping they'll identify themselves in the comments.) I'm the one who appears not to have had any sleep for several consecutive months. The woman in front wearing the flowered blouse -- Rita, I believe -- brought me a very nice woolen thong that she knitted. It is roughly the size of a pup tent, and it says "DC BLOGLITS SUPPORT DAVE IN 2008." I shall cherish it always, from a safe distance.

MOVE ALONG

Nothing to make fun of here.

(Thanks to everyone)

WENDY'S CHILI UPDATE

If the s.b. were to say something about pointing the finger at the bad guys, would she live to blog again?

(Thanks to Brainy Jello)

ART APPRECIATION 101

Today's topic: The Art of Montana.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

ALL WE CAN SAY IS...

...it's a good thing William Shatner doesn't have hemorrhoids.

TODAY SHOW UPDATE

While I was sitting on the set, waiting to go on, Ann Curry wandered by and said, quote, "Your hair is kind of pouffy." She then licked her hand and pressed down on my hair in an effort to mash it down. So if I looked unusually stylish this morning, the credit goes to Ann Curry's personal saliva, which I strongly recommend.

BREAKING UPDATE ON GENE WEINGARTEN'S WALRUS-PENIS BONE

Gene informs this blog that he has named his oosik "Tiffani."

QUESTIONABLE eBAY ITEM

Mr. Gene Weingarten sent in this unusual eBay item. I think it may be too tasteless to put on the blog, but before I make a final decision I thought I should check with you folks. If you do not wish to expose your eyeballs to a questionable eBay item, please do not click on the link. Thank you.

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

I don't know how anybody sleeps in midtown Manhattan. I can get used to the taxi drivers honking their horns, which they do whenever the encounter an emergency situation, such as another vehicle. But I cannot adjust to the Mystery Loud Noises that always happen right outside my hotel room. Last night it sounded like they were feeding dump trucks through a wood chipper. I don't know why this has to be done at night, but it never fails. There are burly workmen out there, and at some point they check their watches and say, "It's 2 a.m.! Time to fire up the wood chipper!"

Other than that, things are going fine. If you see me out there, please wake me up and say hi.

BOOK TOUR

The Blog has the following national media events on Wednesday:

TODAY Show -- 8:36 AM

Talk of the Nation/NPR -- 3:00 PM

Please see www.davebarry.com for further tour details.

We apologize that this entry isn't funny, but geez, look at the time.

24

The missing comments on last night's episode appear to be back. Also, I just realized that Jack Bauer uses exactly the same model of CrapCam phone as I do. Which means that, theoretically, I can use my phone to detonate people remotely. I promise to use this capability responsibly.

ATTENTION ALL SCARBOROUGH UNITS

Be on the lookout for Fred Astaire.

COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS

Always quick on the uptake.

(Key quote: “We had spoken about splitting up several times and I think it was inevitable.”)

(Thanks to everyone in the entire universe, but nobody first)

ODDLY DISAPPOINTING HEADLINE OF THE DAY

(Thanks to CoastRaven)

TROUBLE WITH THE BLOG

Thanks for all the emails with the ^*&^%T*&^%*_* comments about the &)(*^(*%^&^% blog and the )*&^*(&%(&^ missing posts. We have contacted CTU to see if Jack can shoot Typepad someone in the thigh.  If that doesn't work, we'll go for the big guns.

Til then, we have confidence that Nava and the Thundertechs are working diligently to improve the situation.

UPDATE: IT SEEMS TO BE... (fixed). Thundertechs HO!

JUSTICE IS DONE, AND A GOOD BAND NAME IS CREATED

The Drunken Hamster Posters are fined.

CREEPING FASCISM

It's getting so they want to ban everything.

24

Good work by everybody last night. Unfortunately a whole bunch of comments have mysteriously disappeared. We don't know who took them, but we have our suspicions.

Anyway, if we understand the plot correctly, the whole airport deal was just a subplot, and the real plot concerns the fact that terrorists have gotten hold of a bunch of canisters. We don't know what's in these canisters. We are not 100 percent sure how to spell "canisters." But canisters are never good.

Speaking of canisters: the first lady's cleavage played a key role in the plot last night. Also, a hobbit is running the CTU.

And there are 20 hours to go.

Anyway, thanks to all of you for your efforts. I'll continue to check in when I can from book tour. You folks should get some rest. And remember to turn off the TV.

24

OK, here's where we stand:

1. Mean-looking actors with some kind of vaguely Russian accents have taken over the airport in Ontario, a city in -- of all places -- Southern California.

2. I am at a book-signing on Long Island, which is nowhere near the Ontario airport, although it might be easier to get here from there than from Manhattan.

3. Fortunately, Jack Bauer IS at the airport, along with his New Girlfriend  and her Surly Teenage Son, who is looking more like Chloe with every passing minute.

4. Also conveniently in the area are President Manilow, with his unstable cleavage-flaunting wife, who Knows Something but everybody thinks she's crazy but she's not, though she is definitely a few forks shy of a fondue set. What nobody knows except us viewers is that the president's weasel assistant is WORKING WITH THE TERRORISTS.

So the situation is this: At any moment, the terrorists could blow up the Ontario airport, thus putting many many extras out of work and possibly making traffic in Southern California even worse than it already is. Will Jack be able to stop them? There's only one of Jack, and a whole bunch of terrorists, so I figure they're dead meat.

But as I say, I won't be watching, unless there's a TV on at the bookstore. I'll be relying on you folks to provide commentary and analysis. I will need to know: What happened? Did Jack shoot anybody in the thigh, which he has so far failed to do for TWO WHOLE HOURS? Is this terrorist-airport thing just a ploy, hiding Something Much Bigger? Speaking of which, is Edgar going to cut down on the carbs? Because he is not looking good.

I will check back here when I can. Good luck to you all. For now, I am signing off, from a Flank Two position.

JACK BAUER, TIME TRAVELER

He's become a teenage boy.

(Thanks to Fred Moore and Steve Lancaster)

AN ALTERNATIVE WAY TO MAKE ENEMIES TALK WHEN, FOR WHATEVER REASON, YOU ARE UNABLE TO SHOOT THEM IN THE THIGH

Make them click on this link.

(Thanks to Artchick)

(Seriously, do not click on the link)

GET OUT HERE AND WATCH TV THIS INSTANT

No, you may not do your homework.

(Thanks to Poop Dogg)

STOP MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE'S NAMES

And that's an order.

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

TAKING UP THE 24 GAUNTLET

While the blog is traveling, we hope we are not out of line in recommending that Jack Bauer shoot someone in the thigh.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and many others)

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys don't just sit around dreaming about a better world. They make it happen.

(Thanks again to Claire Martin)

ATTENTION LADIES

We have a feeling this guy just might be single.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE IN COLD CLIMATES

How about a nice bowl of soup?

WHY YOU DO NOT WANT TO MESS WITH JACK BAUER

Because he will take you down. Even if you are a Christmas tree.

(Thanks to tavesawyer)

GOOD MORNING, 24 FANATICS

I hope everybody has recovered from last night. It was exhausting, but it was worth it, considering how much got accomplished. We started out with a typical quiet morning in Southern California, and we ended up with an airport full of innocent TV extras in extreme danger from actors with semi-Russian accents.

Of course it won't stop there. Jack Bauer and the 'puter-tappers at CTU wil not rest until the entire nation, if not the world, is in mortal peril. Today I will be traveling, as I begin being a shameless prostitute for promoting my book. So, tragically,  I will be unable to offer my in-depth analysis of tonight's two-hour episode. But at a little before 8 p.m. eastern clock time there will be a post here summarizing the situation and offering you a chance to post your comments during the show.

I am counting on you. The world is counting on you. Please for God's sake do not let us down, unless of course you have something better to do, such as sorting your laundry.

24

FINALLY the football game is over. I hope everybody has visited the bathroom and is ready for some ACTION.

UPDATE: WE DON'T WANT THE SUBWAY POSTGAME SHOW. WE WANT JACK.

UPDATE: What the hell has Jimmy Johnson done to his hair?

UPDATE: Here we go. I pity the West  Coast.

UPDATE: I hate the needle-to-the-heart part.

UPDATE: Jack is wearing a hard hat. They'll NEVER penetrate that disguise!

UPDATE: The bastards shot former acting acting president Allstate Insurance Spokesperson!

UPDATE: They're setting up a hard perimeter. That's always good.

UPDATE: WHOA! Chloe has a boyfriend! He's, like, 9, but still.

UPDATE: Frank's hot new girlfriend does not seem quite so hot now that we get a good look at her. But she is a major upgrade from Audrey.

UPDATE: The new girlfriend's surly teenage son looks alarmingly like Chloe.

UPDATE: Michelle is reminding Tony that they used to run scenarios. That is SO romantic.

UPDATE: They got Michelle! These people are dropping like flies.

UPDATE: Oral-B has a new toothbrush that looks genuinely scary.

UPDATE: Whoa. Edgar has not been skipping the Krispy Kremes.

UPDATE: NOW THEY'RE AFTER CHLOE. It's like they want to wipe out everybody who had anything to do with the last season! And who can blame them?

UPDATE: New Girlfriend (NGF) to Jack: "I can't thank you enough for all the work you've done around here." Heheheheh.

UPDATE: Jack wants Chloe to go dark.

UPDATE: Jack got out his Secret Agent Kit! He's baaaaaaccckk!

UPDATE: NOT AUDREY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

UPDATE: The first lady is not taking this well.

UPDATE: Jack has commenced hitting people.

UPDATE: Jack is taking the NGF's surly teenage son (STS) in the helicopter. It's a chance for them to bond.

UPDATE: The First Lady says she is, quote, "not making this up."

UPDATE: Edgar is the size of a two-car garage.

UPDATE: They're not at speed! I hate it when people are after me and I'm not at speed.

UPDATE: Hey, Jack is stabbing now. Is that new? He was always more of a shooter.

UPDATE: Do NOT mess with Chloe.

UPDATE: The guy actually believed Jack wouldn't shoot him! Obviously he has never seen this show.

UPDATE: At this rate, by the end of the second hour there's going to be nobody left alive in Southern California.

UPDATE: Celebrity skating? Where will it end? Celebrity welding? Celebrity eye surgery?

UPDATE: Why are they showing the highlights of the first hour, which we JUST WATCHED??

UPDATE: Edgar ran it through a high-res filter. That's exactly how I would handle it.

UPDATE: Chloe's going to get Jack a schematic.

UPDATE: "Jack would never murder his friends."

UPDATE: Edgar is jealous.

UPDATE: President Manilow is SUCH a wienerhead.

UPDATE: They launch in less than an hour! (Who the hell are they?)

UPDATE: Jack's girlfriend is thinking she should have kept dating the plumber.

UPDATE: Chloe is reading the agents' transponders. She is some woman!

UPDATE: "Relax. He's really good at this."

UPDATE: Jack is booted up, and Chloe is uploading to him.

UPDATE: Jack is a smooth talker.

UPDATE: You rarely see that kind of cleavage on a first lady.

UPDATE: Edgar found out that Chloe's logged in remotely! With an external socket!

UPDATE: HEY! ASSASSINATED FORMER PRESIDENT ALLSTATE INSURANCE SPOKESPERSON IS ALIVE AND DOING COMMERCIALS!

UPDATE: I don't like the looks of the bald guy with the accent and the guns.

UPDATE: At some point, even the FBI is bound to notice all the unconscious agents lying around.

UPDATE: There's, like, dozens of agents after Jack. They have NO chance.

UPDATE: The girlfriend's on the 210 at the 10.

UPDATE: Chloe is a stand-up gal.

UPDATE: Jack really does care.

UPDATE: Somebody is messing with the first lady's mind, such as it is.

UPDATE: Edgar says there's chatter! They're sourcing it! The reliability's approaching 95 percent!

UPDATE: Eventually the bald guy is going to punch President Manilow out.

UPDATE: I see guys like that in the Miami Airport all the time.

UPDATE: You watch. The airlines will claim this is a weather delay.

UPDATE: OHMIGOD! THE WEASEL ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT! HE'S IN ON IT!

UPDATE: Looks like there will be shooting tomorrow night.

OK, everybody take a handful of powerful sedatives and try to get some sleep. We'll recap tomorrow. You'll be on your own tomorrow night, but I think you have shown, in the comments section, that you are completely out of your minds up to the task.

OOSIK UPDATE

While we're waiting for 24 to start, let's enjoy the visual splendor of this photo of Mr. Gene Weingarten clutching his walrus-penis bone, with the incredibly un-manly festive ivory caps on the ends. Gene seems very attached to his oosik, not that there is anything wrong with that.

WHOA!

Jack Bauer is hiding out disguised as a football player.

No, wait. It hasn't started yet.

CREEPING FACISM UPDATE

Another fundamental constitutional right down the drain.

(Thanks to Bob Davidson)

WE'RE PRETTY SURE THIS ACTUALLY WAS THE NAME OF A ROCK BAND IN THE SIXTIES

Wave your doobies in the air for Cosmic Jellyfish.

ADVISORY

Blogging will be minimalistic this weekend as we are resting up and girding our loins in preparation for tomorrow night at 8.

UH-OH

This blog does not like the sound of this.

(Thanks to Keith)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Glue Sniff Monkeys

(Thanks to Stupendous Man)

TECHNOLOGY PLUNGES AHEAD

(Via The TechNews.net, thanks to Bill Hudgins)

SPEAKING OF GUYS

This story shows exactly why society cannot function without them.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

QUESTION ABOUT GUYS

Dear Dave,

 

A few minutes ago, I got an e-mail from my husband, letting me know that he'd paid a few bills, telling me how his day's going, asking how the baby's doing today (I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant with our first child) and so on. You know, the usual mundane husband-and-wife stuff. Then I got to this:

 

"Also I just entered into a sweepstakes for a compact earthmover. The link is www.popularmechanics.com/earthmover. Pretty neat!"

 

At first, I figured that had to be a joke, ha ha. He couldn't really want to win a compact earthmover. What would he do with it? We live on flat quarter-acre lot in the suburbs; none of our earth needs to be moved. I was about to reply with some snide wifely comment about how he's sooooo hilarious, but then it hit me: he's totally serious. He DID enter a sweepstakes for a compact earthmover. He would LOVE to have a compact earthmover. Right now, he's sitting at his desk daydreaming about what he'd do with a compact earthmover.

 

So I figured I'd turn to Dave Barry, in my opinion the world's leading expert on guys, for the answers to a few questions:

 

1. Why would a normal, tie-wearing, desk-job-having, college-educated guy feel like he needs something like this around the house? He's never even taken his chainsaw out of the box -- what, exactly, does he think he's going to do with this monstrosity?

 

2. Does he expect me to get excited about this?

 

3. Will our son (we're having a boy) be like this as well? Should I just shoot myself now?

 

4. You want one too, don't you, Dave?

 

I appreciate your help in this matter.

 

Sincerely,

 
Jill D.

This blog's response: That is a nice machine.

UPDATE: We have received this (see comments) from Jill D's husband:

Hello All,

Okay, okay. I suppose all of you want an explanation as to why I want an earthmover. I have listed my reasons below. But I wanted to add that growing up as a Navy-brat, I had exposure to tanks, planes, ships and other heavy metal hardware.

REASONS FOR AN EARTHMOVER:

1) Homeland Security and the War Against Terrorism (Bush uses that reason for everything. Why can't I?)

2) It's FREE!

3) My son can have something cool to bring in to school for "Show and Tell"

4) I need to build a bomb shelter in the backyard.

5) It's been raining here for 26 straight days (WA state), and I need it to gather wood for an ark.

6) My parents sold my Tonka earthmover years ago.

7) Safer than zipping down the highway in a Harley or building a homebuilt plane.

8) Great to have one around the house.

9) It's cool!

This blog is happy to serve as a conduit for communications between Mrs. and Mr. D.

WHEN IS THE SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE GOING TO LOOK INTO THIS?

The one-eyed-kitten controversy.

(Thanks to Stupendous Man and Andy D.)

TO THOSE WHO CLAIM THEY WOULD EXERCISE THEIR RIGHT TO VOTE IF ONLY THERE WERE ANY HONEST CANDIDATES

You'll need a new excuse.

(Thanks to Rich McGee)

OOSIK QUESTION

I recently learned that my old friend Gene Weingarten, who writes for the Washington Post, and, in his spare time, works as a fashion model, owns a walrus-penis bone, or oosik, which Gene says he bought in Alaska from (this is a direct quote) "an eskimo named Larry."

As you are no doubt aware, I also own an oosik, named Walter, who is a regular contributor to this blog. Walter serves as our weather correspondent and is a big hit with the ladies.

So Gene and I got to talking about our oosiks, and naturally the question arose: Whose is bigger? Gene measured his, and sent an email stating:

My oosik, sir, is 21 and a half inches, end to end. The little ivory caps add another one and a half inches.

So I measured Walter, and was stunned to discover that Walter is also exactly 21 and a half inches long. Walter does not have "little ivory caps," but then Walter, unlike some, is confident enough in his masculinity not to need them.

But anyway, the question arises: Is it mere coincidence that, statistically, 100 percent of all the Walrus-penis bones that I know of are exactly the same length? Or are all male walruses, in fact, equally male? How do the lady walruses feel about this? And what should Gene call his oosik? Incredibly, he hasn't thought to give it a name. I'm thinking he should call it "Shorty." But I welcome your suggestions.

Update: Commenter Bumble notes that, to judge from the specimens on this page, Gene and I have unusually big oosiks.

SOON TO BE A MADE-FOR-CBS MOVIE

Drama in Chester.

WHY WILLIAM DEVANE COULD NEVER, IN REAL LIFE, BE THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE

In real life, the Secretary of Defense has to be well-schooled in the nuances of diplomatic protocol.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

JUST WONDERING

What are the odds that this guy knows this guy?

ATTENTION, VIRGINIANS

Stay indoors.

ART UPDATE

We like the way this article avoids any suggestive language.

A MAJOR ADVANCE IN CANADIAN MEDICINE

Earwax removal via Super Soaker.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

EXTREMELY URGENT ADVISORY

As you are no doubt aware, it's almost time for the new season of 24, and you know what that means: It means that you and I, working together as a team, are going to be wasting a tremendous amount of time.

No, wait, that's not right. It means that, after months of sitting around drumming our fingers, we're finally going to find out what's up with Jack Bauer, the highly trained psychopath federal agent who in the past four years has single-handedly thwarted every single terrorist plot against the United States, primarily by shooting people in the thigh.

Jack was assisted in his thwarting by various other cast members of the Southern California branch of the Federal Imaginary Counter Terrorism Unit (CTU), a secret government facility that is located in an excellent location, logistics-wise, because for some reason every attempted act of terrorism happens within about a 1,200-yard radius of there. The primary functions of CTU personnel are to (1) provide subplots; and (2) tap on computer keyboards in an urgent manner while downloading schematics of buildings to Jack's cell phone so he can quickly locate terrorists and shoot them in the thigh. The two most important keyboard-tappers are Edgar and Chloe, who clearly have the hots for each other, although we are not entirely sure that Edgar possesses genitals.

As you may recall, last season Jack thwarted the evil genius terrorist Marwan, who shot down Air Force One so he could get hold of the nuclear codes to launch world's slowest nuclear missile (code name: Injured Moth) which apparently was operated by Delta Air Lines because it took like three weeks to get from Iowa to Los Angeles, where it was shot down in the most anticlimactic television scene since Geraldo opened Al Capone's vault.

You would think that this act of thwarting on Jack's part, on top of all his previous thwarting, would have earned him a medal, but you would be wrong. In fact Jack was in big trouble, because of a Chinese subplot that we never really did understand. But for whatever reason, the acting president of the United States, who is a total wiener, agreed to turn Jack over to China for the purpose of being tortured and killed. So Jack faked his own death with the help of Tony, who is in love with Michelle, who is not to be confused with Audrey, who is the daughter of Secretary of Defense William Devane and was Jack's romantic subplot for a while until he tortured her brother and interrupted the surgery on her husband, Paul, thus causing him to kick the bucket. Even though these were perfectly reasonable acts of thwarting on Jack's part, Audrey got into a big snit and broke up with Jack, which was fine with us because she was an annoying whiny prune.

So anyway, at the end of last season, Jack had gone into hiding, and apparently he has a hot new girlfriend. So now, as we prepare for the blockbuster two-night, four-hour, top-secret premiere of Season Five, the question is: What the heck will happen? Will Jack remain in hiding with his hot new girlfriend, which means that the blockbuster premiere will consist entirely of Edgar and Chloe playing hearts on their computers? Or will Something Totally Unexpected Yet Bad happen -- something that causes Jack to leave the place where he is hiding with his hot new girlfriend and resume engaging in acts of thwartage? And if he does come out, will his hot new girlfriend continue to be involved in the plot? Because she is definitely hot.

I don't know the answers to these questions. But I will be watching on Sunday night, and I hope to have updated reports for you here, as well as your comments and analyses.

Which leads me to a disturbing:

SCHEDULE CONFLICT ADVISORY

I will be able to watch part one of the two-night blockbuster premiere, but because of incredibly bad planning, I am going to miss part two. On Monday night, I will be at a bookstore signing on Long Island, starting a two-week book tour during which I will be whoring for promoting my latest book. I will try to figure out some way to continue following 24, but I'm warning you now that there may be times, over the coming weeks, when you will have to fend for yourselves. These will not be easy times for any of us, but together, we will get through them. Because that is the kind of pathetic losers concerned Americans we are.

TECHNICAL QUESTION (FOR REAL)

My Linksys wireless router just pooped out. The router part still works, but the wireless part does not. (It's four years old and is on all the time, so I forgive it if it just decided the hell with being wireless.) So my question is, if I go to the computer store and buy a new wireless router, can I just plug it in and have it work fine? Or will it be a giant hassle that causes my sportswriter wife, who works in the office with me and uses the Internet a LOT, to give me that Look that women give to men, like when a man says he can fix the toilet himself, and next thing they know there are jellyfish floating around the bathroom?

What I mean is: Is there a lot of configuring involved? I can do a LITTLE configuring, but I am not up for a lot. I am secure enough in my manhood to hire a guy to come in and configure.

FYI, we have two Windows XP laptop 'puters and one Mac. The Mac never needs configuring. It just goes with the flow. It's over there in the corner, smoking a joint and going, "Whatever, don't worry about me, I'll configure my own self."

So anyway, if anybody can answer these questions -- or, for that matter, figure out exactly what the questions ARE -- I would appreciate it.

One more FYI: I know you're supposed to have lots of security with wireless networks, but I have basically none. My security settings are all on "bupkis." This is because over the years I have found that security settings generally seem to work by preventing you from doing anything, or letting any part of the network talk to any other. I realize this is a bad thing. I feel terrible about it. But that's the way it is here. I'm just mentioning this in case it helps.

Update: Emboldened by your advice (thank you) I went to the computer store and, after carefully considering all the options, picked the wireless router that came in the coolest box. This would be your Belkin Pre-N, which boasts 800 PERCENT WIDER COVERAGE. This is possible because it has -- and here I am quoting -- a "true MIMO antenna and chipset design." I don't know about you, but I am SICK AND TIRED of those fake MIMO routers, and cannot believe no senator thought to ask Samuel Alito about this ongoing scandal.

Anyway, I brought it home and followed the instructions, and, voila, in just 15 minutes, our water heater exploded.

No, seriously, it works fine. I can't verify the 800 PERCENT WIDER COVERAGE, because the truth is I rarely get more than 10 feet from it. So any neighborhood youths who are noticing an improvement in their porn-download capabilities are welcome to chime in.

Anyway, thanks again to all of you for your advice, warnings, lunatic remarks, etc. You are a good crew. Weird, but good.

FASHION UPDATE

Here's a nice accessory for the geek fashion-conscious man wearing iPod jeans.

(Thanks to Lairbo)

SCIENTISTS

Turns out they're just guys, plugging away in their never-ending effort to convince women that smaller is better.

(Thanks to sthnbelle)

JUST A SUGGESTION

Instead of a live human being, the Senate Judiciary Committee should have an inflatable doll sitting in the witness chair while the senators ask their 37-minute-long questions. On those rare occasions when they need an actual answer, staff people could go fetch the actual nominee from the golf course or wherever.

IPOD JEANS...

Or these?
We report, you make the right decision.

(Thanks to Layla Bohm)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

(Thanks to CK)