EXTREMELY URGENT ADVISORY
As you are no doubt aware, it's almost time for the new season of 24, and you know what that means: It means that you and I, working together as a team, are going to be wasting a tremendous amount of time.
No, wait, that's not right. It means that, after months of
sitting around drumming our fingers, we're finally going to find out what's up
with Jack Bauer, the highly trained
psychopath federal agent who in the past four years has single-handedly thwarted
every single terrorist plot against the United States, primarily by shooting
people in the thigh.
Jack was assisted in his thwarting by various other cast members of the Southern California branch of the Federal Imaginary Counter Terrorism Unit (CTU), a secret government facility that is located in an excellent location, logistics-wise, because for some reason every attempted act of terrorism happens within about a 1,200-yard radius of there. The primary functions of CTU personnel are to (1) provide subplots; and (2) tap on computer keyboards in an urgent manner while downloading schematics of buildings to Jack's cell phone so he can quickly locate terrorists and shoot them in the thigh. The two most important keyboard-tappers are Edgar and Chloe, who clearly have the hots for each other, although we are not entirely sure that Edgar possesses genitals.
As you may recall, last season Jack thwarted the evil genius terrorist Marwan, who shot down Air Force One so he could get hold of the nuclear codes to launch world's slowest nuclear missile (code name: Injured Moth) which apparently was operated by Delta Air Lines because it took like three weeks to get from Iowa to Los Angeles, where it was shot down in the most anticlimactic television scene since Geraldo opened Al Capone's vault.
You would think that this act of thwarting on Jack's part, on top of all his previous thwarting, would have earned him a medal, but you would be wrong. In fact Jack was in big trouble, because of a Chinese subplot that we never really did understand. But for whatever reason, the acting president of the United States, who is a total wiener, agreed to turn Jack over to China for the purpose of being tortured and killed. So Jack faked his own death with the help of Tony, who is in love with Michelle, who is not to be confused with Audrey, who is the daughter of Secretary of Defense William Devane and was Jack's romantic subplot for a while until he tortured her brother and interrupted the surgery on her husband, Paul, thus causing him to kick the bucket. Even though these were perfectly reasonable acts of thwarting on Jack's part, Audrey got into a big snit and broke up with Jack, which was fine with us because she was an annoying whiny prune.
So anyway, at the end of last season, Jack had gone into hiding, and apparently he has a hot new girlfriend. So now, as we prepare for the blockbuster two-night, four-hour, top-secret premiere of Season Five, the question is: What the heck will happen? Will Jack remain in hiding with his hot new girlfriend, which means that the blockbuster premiere will consist entirely of Edgar and Chloe playing hearts on their computers? Or will Something Totally Unexpected Yet Bad happen -- something that causes Jack to leave the place where he is hiding with his hot new girlfriend and resume engaging in acts of thwartage? And if he does come out, will his hot new girlfriend continue to be involved in the plot? Because she is definitely hot.
I don't know the answers to these questions. But I will be watching on Sunday night, and I hope to have updated reports for you here, as well as your comments and analyses.
Which leads me to a disturbing:
SCHEDULE CONFLICT ADVISORY
I will be able to watch part one of the two-night blockbuster premiere, but because of incredibly bad planning, I am going to miss part two. On Monday
night, I will be at a bookstore signing on Long
Island, starting a two-week book tour during which I will be
whoring for promoting
my latest book. I will try to figure out some way to continue following 24, but
I'm warning you now that there may be times, over the coming weeks, when you
will have to fend for yourselves. These will not be easy times for any of us,
but together, we will get through them. Because that is the kind of pathetic losers concerned Americans