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January 26, 2006

DENVER UPDATE

It has been a busybusybusy book-tour day here in Denver. Basically I am sprinting into TV and radio studios, shouting "BUY BOOK! BOOK IS FUNNY! YOU LAUGH! HA HA!", then sprinting out.

At one point I sprinted into a luncheon, where one of the guests was frequent blog commenter WriterDude. He gave me a small stuffed buffalo, which in the West is how a man tells another man that he would like to herd sheep with him, if you get my drift.

No, really, the buffalo is for my daughter. Here is an exclusive CrapCam photo of WriterDude with the buffalo and me. (The buffalo is in the middle.)
Photo_012606_001

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Looks like a teddy bear to me.

Sophie: "Daddy, what did you bring me?"
Dave: "A buffalo."
Sophie: "I want a Blaine doll like you brought for Judi!"

Wow! Dave is really strumpeting his *ss off. He will be on Tucker Carlson tonight at 11 pm ET.

Nice product placement there, Dave. :)

Writer Dude: This here buffalo is for you in gratitude for coming to the Light Years Away From Our Airport City.

Dave: Got any Snickers?

"BUY BOOK! BOOK IS FUNNY! YOU LAUGH! HA HA!"

It is funny, in fact. I like it. :) Reading it slowly, though. Savoring it.

You wrote a book?

*smirk*

No, Scooter. He's just doing a Walking Across America project! :-)

LOL!

Hooray! Dave's wearing a blue shirt again.
The world is back in its perfect order.

Life may continue.

I'm totally going to photoshop my head into that picture and pretend it all happened to me.

You two look very happy together...

I only know Denver Broncos or Colorado Avalanche.

Is there some significance to the buffalo?

Is it called the crapcam because of the smooshing effect?...the one dimensionality of the image?theflatness/anti-roundness/spooky-effect-ness?...the "buffalo" looks alot like my ex-cat(krap-kat)

Zoodle - if I had to guess (which I must, due to the no-fi CrapCam image), it would be one of these.

Zoodle - The University of Colorado's mascot is the mighty buffalo. Although they tend to be much bigger than the one perched on Dave's shoulder. As a matter of fact, buffalo don't perch at all.

This is a perch.

Here is a Percheron.

Any sign of Claire Martin?

JustLinda~ When I whined about not being able to meet Dave, my mother suggested I do the very same thing.

*sighs jealously*

Nice work, WriterDude. It looks as if the strumpeting was good for both of you.

Where's WriterDude's left hand?

Yeah, on the buffalo, but I've always wondered why they spell it "buffaloes" ... the last time I checked, the plural of "buffalo" was "buffalo" ... admittedly, that wuz a loooooong time ago ... but then, I'm old ...

Hope Sophie doesn't care how her buffalo is spelled ...

WTG WriterDude! Nice touch, the home state college mascot ... whut's the official animal of Denver ... er ... Colorado ... ?

That may be a blue shirt... but it's not THE blue shirt we all know and love and think may have needed to have been burned.

U.O~ The state animal of Colorado is the Rocky Mountain Bighorn Sheep. And the state fish is the Greenback Cutthroat Trout, either of which might BAGNF some sort of band.

Other irrelevant facts about the state's preferences may be found here.

HUGE OUTBURST OF PROFANITY

On the off chance that got Dave or Judy's attention: Is DB coming to Minneapolis? I lost your email - drop me a line; we'll do jellied lutefisk shooters at that bar. You know. That one. The Viking-themed one where the waiters set their beards on fire. Waitresses too.

tnx GG ... that's really stimulating info there ... fer instance: the State Tartan is ... are you ready for this?

State Tartan.

YCLIU!

Wowser. Really creative, those Coloradians ...

I, too, met WriterDude. I was at the same event. And he walked over to my table and was looking at me. So Brokeback, if you catch my drift. He then he pointed out this brunette lovely -- his wife -- accross the room, and then she waved at me. He goes on to say that he showed my picture to his wife, and she confirmed that my hair was not a mullet. I went over and met his wife, and he wanted a picture with me, so I got a picture with hs wife.

I have not met WriterDude - nor have I met his wife - nor do I have a mullet

OK, not that anyone cares, but I was bored, and I had to do something with my fingers, as I just opened a beer, and have not yet drunk it (drank it?) and they need somethin' to do til it's time to open the next one

oh, and we call them "Bison" where I grew up (as in North Dakota State Bison) - GO THUNDERING HERD!

I'm going PhotoShop this one for framing and title it Still Life: Two Writer Dudes With Buffalo. It should fit nicely next to Red Crested Bombshell With Superfluous Writer Dude and Rice Krispie Oosik. My gallery is growing.

DEAREST LIFEKS - the book tour schedule is posted on dave's website, davebarry.com. Please go there immediately, before judi's head explodes due to so many people asking this same innocent yet potentially life-threatening question. When she awakes from her slumber and reads your query, she will whack some oosik voodoo on your sorry keester.

hey Annie - am I still on the doghouse? Cuz it's kinda smelly in here, and there's no fridge, so my beer's warm

oh, and the dog keeps hoggin' all the blankets

Things to do in 2006:
1. write book about money management
2. go on tour to promote book
3. bill minibar costs to publisher
4. start rumor about groupies giving me food
5. save $ on food by living off groupie food donations
6. use leftovers to pay for hotel rooms and new blue shirt
7. go on "Oprah" and tearfully admit portions of the money book were 'written to make money.'
8. watch sales of book soar after "Oprah" appearance
9.write off trip as research for next book tentatively titled "Book Tours as Tax Shelters"

oops, forgot one:
10. get TCK a flea collar and fridge for doghouse

damn Annie - that's cold - would it help if I said that, if you were naked in a movie, I would want to see it?

11. get heater for doghouse, and good book for TCK.

guess not - how about if I said that I want your body, but I really love you for your mind?

jeez - it's like "Battleship" for pick-up lines-
"B-5 = Movie? Naked?"
"Splash."
"I-8 = Me Sensitive Guy."
"Hit and sunk!"

If I had an IQ point for every time I've heard that line, I'd...um...do somethin'...intelligent and witty.
Where's S'girl when I need her?

southerngirl's MIA tonite (I know, I've been lookin' for her)

how about if I said that I like pickin' on you cuz you don't take no crap, and give better than you get?

awww, I bet you say that to all the girls...good night!
*turns heat on in the doghouse.*

not all the girls - just you and El

damn - still in the doghouse - but at least there's heat

nite Annie - I'll be pickin' on ya some more tomorrow - that's a promise

Ted: slow down -- I haven't had a chance to get to the part on my blog where my wife, Mrs. WriterDude, the amazing beauty that she is, flustered you right the hell out of your socks. Please do the right thing and tell these people that your "brokeback" is pointed at her, and I dint point a damn thing at you other than a camera. ;-)

Annie: Thanks for believing me to be that Photoshop savvy. Many more thanks to Dave for disproving me wrong by beating me to the punch.

Christobol: my left hand was firmly around Dave's waist, in an attempt to sustain him through more evidence of lack of sleep. Or oxygen. Or lack of buffalo balancing.

Uncle Omar: Coloradians? Ugh. Thanks to the Rocky Flats Former Weapons Plant and Future Real Estate Development, we prefer the term "Coloradominiums".

Stupendous Man: feel free to send me the print, I'll happily sign it. Get TamaraWRC in on it too, and you should be able to fetch at least $0.07 on eBay.

TCK: I once taught the Dave Matthews Band how to open (many) beer bottles with a Bic lighter. Figure out how to sell that skill on eBay, and we can both retire wealthy.

I promised you all a blog entry on my meeting Dave today before bed. I must go work on that now, before my bed rises up and slaps me upside the head. I hate when that happens.

WriterDude - if yer beer needs a bic lighter to open it, then yer beer's too expensive...

oh, and Dave Matthews ROCKS!!

so that's where the buffalo roam. dave.. you need to find a jacket that doesnt clash with your classic blue shirt. and tucker carlson???? ewww.

Okay, so where's the crapcam photo of Ted with Mrs. WriterDude, then? Or is Ted just making up this scenario to engender sympathy?

Wow. Dave looks really old. Does anyone know how old ?

DiT ... more than seven ...

WD -- well, I were not sure, alltho I sorta thot that was better than "Coloradites" ... or, "Coloradoots" ... or "Coloringbookdingbats" ... just sayin' ...

DIT - he's around 55 or 56, but looks a lot better than the CrapCam™ shows. Must have been using one of the special digital effects.

Down in Texas -- I'd he he's looking at least 30. It's the strain of strumpeting.

55 or 56. I wish I will look that good. I guess the secret is to be laugh (or to make other people laugh) all the time

He's 58 and gorgeous!

*pssst Dave, have you tried on the thong yet?*

58 ... according to some press release or another that I saw recently ... but y'all know how the media lies ... or else, they get it wrong ...

Rita, rita. Manly men do not wear thongs.

DiT - 'less'n thayer not secure in thayer manhood IYKWIM

Yes. I have it on good authority that "manly men" go commando.

http://www.sbc.net/knowjesus/theplan.asp

Crash, I have a confidential source who reports that THE blue shirt ran off with Insolent Wench at an earlier strumpeting (sp?) stop...

All, I've been following all of this strumpeting stuff here on the blog and have been confused about something I keep reading, so I really MUST ask: what the heck is a "book" anyway?

PS, you guys who bring wives (yours or someone elses') out to various events where blog denizens may be around are pretty brave! I could never bring my BBB (Beautiful Brazilian Babe) wife out because she is firmly convinced we are all a few bricks shy of a load. Well OK, the word she uses is "morons", but anyway, you get my drift...

And now, for something completely different...

*ducks in wearing camoflage & face paint with gun clips strapped to his chest - rolls forward to get behind the couch - looks around cautiously - realizes he doesnt have any underwear - runs away*

Morning Annie ~ sorry I wasn't around last night to help you out, but I know you can take care of yourself. And it's good to see that you and TCK are working on being friends again. :)

OT - All About ME:

A friend sent me this link to a movie trailer. I am cracking up--which is the only reason this "friend" is still allowed to live. ;)

Warning for the weak: One of the clips shows worms coming out of someone's arm.

Dave's age - I remember it 'cause he was born the same year I was - 1947. So he (and unfortunately I, too) will be 59 this year. However, considering the alternative, 59 ain't that bad.

Okay, I realize that it is bad form to "poke fun" and another bloglit, and that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones,* and it certainly isn't a Ted Happy-Grubber style "mullet", but did anyone notice that Writerdude seems to be sporting a "Televangelist" pompadour? What's worse, did you notice that next to Dave's hair, it looks pretty good?

*(Mudstuffin's hair is almost non-existant, and is certainly a source of mirth for drunken queer-eye guys.)

methinks mesees a jacket on Dave? a jacket?

Dave - if a western-type fellow lets another fellow know he's interested in sheep and buffalo, it usually means he won't be asking that fellow to go up on Brokeback Mtn with him. Conversely, when a western-type outlaw says to another western-type outlaw "I'm on the lamb," the second fellow usually replies "Ewwwwwwwe."

Yay for everyone who loves two of the greatest Daves ever- Dave Matthews and His Daveness!!!

WriterDude: I'm so jealous! I'd love to hang out with and teach dmb anything. Or have them teach me something. Or just hang around and tie their shoes when they need it.

At dinner last night in Denver I had the "Mountain Burger" which had for the first few word in it's description, "Two juicy beef patties..."

Yeah, WriterDude, where are the pictures?

Ted - I think that's the "Irish Brokeback Mountain Burger."

*zips in*

WOW to the GREAT James Lileks posting here! Evreyone should read his online column every day. It's terrific!! And once I sent him an e-mail and - wait for it - he answered me!
Is that just the coolest or what??!?!?!?

TCK: I see we have something else in common beside prurient thoughts! I love Dave Matthews too. I think I'm the only person who saw a VH1 special where he and one of the guys from Phish went to South Africa to perform with a group there - it was outstanding!!!

*waits for WriterDude to let us know when his pics are up*

Thanks all! The whole "buffalo" thing is clear to me now.

We call them Bison.

GO U OF MANITOBA BISONS!!!!!!

We call 'em bison as well but buffalo sounds funnier. For instance, ever eat bison wings? Shuffle off to bison? It just doesn't have that comedic oomph.

*twirling blue shirt over head*, Map Soapboxer you make strumpeting sound like a bad thing. *Arching one eyebrow* Having come from a long and happy line of strumpets, I think people should strumpet more.

Anyway, why would I have a blue shirt?

Tamara RwC -- that movie trailer sorta gives a whole new meaning to the word "Tamara" ... don't it?

... and ...

Whut's goin' on with the blog clock?

That still doesn't look like a bison in the photo...more like a sasquatch at the buffet behind them.

Mudstuffin: the CrapCam and a bad angle did me wrong with respect to my haircut. It's actually a bit more Conan O'Brien-ish, but not quite as severe.

All: Ted did indeed pose for pics with Mrs. WriterDude and moi own self, but Dave and the CrapCam were long gone. They are currently trapped in a borrowed digicam which can't talk to my computer. I'll get them posted somewhere, hopefully on my blog, sometime Saturday.

Dave Barry's Blog: DENVER UPDATE

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