January 31, 2006
THE STRUGGLE FOR HUMAN RIGHTS
(Thanks to Claire Martin)
NEWS IN THE NEWS
Possibly inspired by this blog's high-quality and insightful live coverage of 24, the Wichita Eagle newspaper editorial board blog is going to be blogging the State of the Union speech tonight, and apparently you can comment on the speech while it is being delivered. I mention this because (a) the higher powers at Knight Ridder asked me to, and (b) the publisher of the Eagle, Mr. Lou Heldman, once performed "The Tupperware Song" with me live in front of 1,000 Tupperware distributors. Also in the band were Mr. Gene Weingarten and Mr. Tom Shroder of the Washington Post. Here is an account of our performance. God knows how far we could have gone as a band if we had not been destroyed -- like so many great musicians -- by journalism.
A GRATEFUL PUBLIC REJOICES
It's a good thing somebody finally put a stop to this nonsense. We must not, under any circumstances, have a nice day.
(Thanks to CoastRaven)
Very strong performance by everybody last night. Good work. Many insightful comments were posted on last night's episode before last night's episode even started.
I've read the comments, and if I understand them correctly, the terrorists, who are from the former Soviet nation of Badaccentistan, removed the nerve gas from the ship and are going to use it on the United States, unless Jack Bauer can stop them. Jack almost got the canisters by telling the presidential aide mole weasel that he (Jack) was going to remove his (the mole weasel's) eyeball with a knife, at which point he (the mole weasel) revealed the location of the canisters, at which point he (Jack) failed to go ahead and remove the eyeball anyway.
Jack has been oddly passive lately.
Also President Manilow realized that his wife was telling the truth, but she's pretty ticked off, so the head of state is clearly not getting any First Lady Lovin' any time soon.
But the main thing now is the canisters. Jack has to find them, and he only has until, what, May. We can only hope and pray that he finds them before harm comes to anybody else, except of course Audrey. We are all for harm coming to Audrey. All these other perfectly good actors are getting bumped off, and Audrey is still there, weeping and causing Jack to have feelings. This is bad! Jack is singlehandedly responsible for the security of the entire United States! He can't be having feelings and letting weasels keep their eyeballs!
I'm sorry to be shouting. But dammit, this is important.
January 30, 2006
For the third consecutive Monday night I'm going to be strumpeting for my book and will miss 24. So once again I'm counting on you folks to provide commentary and analysis. As I understand it, here's where the plot stands:
1. The terrorists have these canisters of nerve gas, which apparently they're going to use on... Moscow! Why they came all the way to California to get nerve gas to use on Moscow is beyond me. Maybe you can't get good nerve gas in the Mosow area. Maybe the terrorists just wanted to be on 24. Whatever the reason, this canister thing can't really be the REAL plot, because the worst that could happen is that everybody in Moscow would die a horrible death, and that is frankly not enough of a menace to require Jack Bauer's attention.
2. Speaking of Jack, he had a slow episode last week, with virtually no physical activity other than killing an assassin by stabbing him in the neck with medical scissors. Jack also discovered that President Manilow's weasel assistant -- the one who knocked out the first lady and snatched the classified document from her cleavage -- is a mole.
3. Meanwhile the first lady is on the lam in her pajamas. Pajama-lama-ding-dong! (Pay no attention. I am sleep-deprived.)
4. And a bunch of other stuff.
TO THE BLOG
You may want to reconsider your flight home.
(Thanks to Chris)
GOOD NEWS FOR PEOPLE WITH A FEW EXTRA POUNDS
New labels may soon make it easier for you to lose weight.
(Thanks to Mike Davis)
Be advised that you are on snake alert. Keep your eyes open when out in the paddock. Also, Reptile Rescue Tasmania recommends that you carry at least two bandages and a mobile phone. We will have updates on this story as soon as we figure out what the hell a "paddock" is.
EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY
And there's still time to get your bid in.
(Thanks to Brian Hicks' persistent wife)
THE MOST DEPRESSING THING IN THE WORLD
That would be the five-day forecast for Seattle. Basically, it's rain, followed by rain, and then increasing rain, then maybe a little less rain, then more rain, then, for the weekend, rain. I don't know how people here find the strength to go on. I would take my hat off to them, but my head would get wet.
A FINE NAME FOR A ROCK BAND
(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)
We hope this serves as a deterrent.
(Thanks to rick harover)
January 29, 2006
LEGAL DEFENSE OF THE WEEK SO FAR
(Thanks to Eaglie)
MAYBE THEY MISUNDERSTOOD THE PRIME MINISTER
Maybe the word he actually used was "erection."
(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr)
YET ANOTHER GREAT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND
MORONS? OR IDIOTS?
We link; you decide.
BOOK STRUMPETING UPDATE
Today I'm on my way to Seattle, which I understand is where they keep the Internet. I look forward to seeing it.
January 28, 2006
One of the best things about a book tour is the glamor. Here I am "chilling" in the swank back office of a bookstore with a famous celebrity.
I am definitely in California. I know this because my booksigning last night was attended by a man wearing a penguin costume and playing a blue ukelele.
I assume it goes without saying that he has a blog.
January 27, 2006
Sorry about the lack of blogging. I'm running around the San Francisco area strumpeting for my book by whatever means necessary. I have even been "podcasting." I'm not sure exactly what "podcasting" is, but I have been assured that there is no danger as long as everybody involved wears protection.
IF YOU REALLY AND TRULY LOVE A GUY
You will give him this.
(Thanks to Wes)
SHEEP IN THE NEWS
(Thanks to Pillage Idiot, who points out it's lucky they're not okapi)
(Thanks to Drew Harchick. Also thanks, everyone else in the world, but you should actually be grateful we aren't blogging this ever again.)
January 26, 2006
It has been a busybusybusy book-tour day here in Denver. Basically I am sprinting into TV and radio studios, shouting "BUY BOOK! BOOK IS FUNNY! YOU LAUGH! HA HA!", then sprinting out.
At one point I sprinted into a luncheon, where one of the guests was frequent blog commenter WriterDude. He gave me a small stuffed buffalo, which in the West is how a man tells another man that he would like to herd sheep with him, if you get my drift.
No, really, the buffalo is for my daughter. Here is an exclusive CrapCam photo of WriterDude with the buffalo and me. (The buffalo is in the middle.)
Are we allowed to make fun of names of inanimate objects? For instance: Hol-ee Floater.
(Thanks to jon harris)
To protect the (without a doubt) innocent.
(Thanks to Greta Hansen)
YET ANOTHER SCIENCE UPDATE
Scientists tackle the tough questions.
(Thanks to Greg Sliker)
PENDING SCIENCE UPDATE
This item shall go unreported while The Blog is on book tour.
(Thanks to Jill Kiar)
Today I'm on my way to strumpet for my book in Denver, which is also known, because of its 5,280-foot elevation, as "The City That Is Really Far From Its Own Airport." Thanks to everybody who came to the signing last night in Kansas City. Please stop bringing food! It was delicious.
Here's an exclusive CrapCam photo of blogsterette Jaybird, who brought a Snickers (Evil woman!) and a lemonade, in case I wore vertically piped corduroy.
BLESSED ART THOSE
January 25, 2006
A BLOW AGAINST TYRANNY
Key Names That We Are Not Making Fun Of: Jephhren Zefrinus Wong, Lawrence Aissol.
THE MOST POWERFUL FORCE IN THE UNIVERSE
That would be the force field created by the Snickers in the hotel mini-bar. It calls to me. From the moment I walk into the room, I hear it calling "Dave... Daaaaaaaaaave... You know you want me, Dave. You know you cannot resist me. Come to the mini-bar, Dave. Remove my wrapper."
I try to resist, but I can't. I am weak. And the Snickers is strong.
ATTENTION, ROMANTIC INDIVIDUALS LOOKING FOR A SPECIAL VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT
Nothing says "You will remember me always" like a packet of Amul Fundoo.
FOR THE WINTER VACATION PLANNER
(Thanks to [whoops] Jeff Meyerson)
WHY THIS BLOG DOES NOT GET INVOLVED IN KARAOKE
If you are a man of the male gender, do not even think of clicking here.
NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT
January 24, 2006
GREAT PIECE BY GENE WEINGARTEN
Gene's a very funny man, but also a superb journalist. If you have a little time for a great read, click here.
I imagine everybody is sick and tired of blog posts about 24, so for a change of pace, I thought I'd post a couple of links concerning 24. Here (thanks to Lori) is a helpful technical analysis of Jack Bauer's activities, which apparently include time travel. And here is a blog entry by our old pal Joel Achenbach.
ATTENTION, GOOD PEOPLE OF EDWARDSVILLE
(Thanks to slyeyes. And we hope this hasn't been blogged before. It's sometimes hard to remember.)
FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW
MMMMM! What's that smell?
(Thanks to Dr. Doug)
STORY OF THE DAY FOR THE LADIES
They think this is news. Isn't that cute?
(Thanks to xmnr)