Dave Barry's Blog

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ANCIENT HOLIDAY TRADITIONS

...you're talking about the iPod Yule Log.

(Via Sploid)

AWWWWW

Here's some heartwarming news about squid mothers, which of course would be a good name for a rock band.

THERE IS NO BETTER WAY TO SAY "LET'S PARTY, DOG"

...than a pelvic UFO.

(Via Gizmodo)

ALL IS CALM, ALL IS... LOOK OUT!"

Moo.

Key Quote: "There's a lot of power in a good cow."

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL THIS BLOG TWICE

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

(Thanks to many people)

UPDATE

WHAT WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE

We'd like to see one of those TV fishing shows where two anglers simultaneously get their hooks into this.

(Thanks to many people)

SPEAKING OF SPAMMERS POLITICAL LEADERS

We imagine Florida's attorney general will poll well among robot cockroaches.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ATTENTION, ANYONE WHO CAN READ JAPANESE

Is the yellow ball thingie™ twitchy but benign, or is it some sort of evil force with the power to suck tiny humans into its vortex?

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

FINALLY, A POLITICIAN WITH SOMETHING TO SAY

Boog Highberger for president.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

EVEN FOR SPAMMERS, THIS IS LOW

Now they're trying to sell Viagra to roaches.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

SCIENTIFIC RESEARCHERS: RUNNING OUT OF STUFF TO SCIENTIFICALLY RESEARCH?

Apparently.

(Thanks to Ray)

HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH, WAYNE COUNTY

...for you are the Ferret Capital.

Key Quote: "Remember the movie Along Came Polly?" asked Seidewand, referring to the movie that featured a ferret. "When it came out, we couldn't keep a ferret in stock. But then we'd go weeks without selling one."

MEANWHILE IN THE SPORTS HEADLINES

...things are getting kinky.

QUOTE OF THE DAY SO FAR

"This is huge - it's like finding the Titanic from a jellyfish researcher's point of view."

IF THIS ISN'T THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON

...we don't know what is.

MERRY/HAPPY CHRISTMAS/CHANUKAH/KWANZAA FROM THIS BLOG TO YOU

Have joy.

MERRY CHRISTMAS...

...from the s.b. (and the people who created this)

SENSIBLE HOLIDAY ATTIRE

This isn't it.

(Thanks to John Chambers)

ATTENTION, SANTA

Here's some news you can use.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

SCIENTIFIC STUDIES

A boon to the short, wide glass manufacturers.

(Thanks to rick harover)

AND PEOPLE HAVE THE NERVE TO SAY THAT BLONDES ARE DUMB

In fact, they have made many discoveries.

THE 2008 PRESIDENTIAL RACE

It's as good as over.

(Thanks to Mikey Weasel)

WHEN THE SPRING THAW COMES, RUN LIKE HELL

It's... Snowzilla!

(Thanks to Mel)

WORKING THIS WEEKEND?

No doubt you will accomplish a lot.

(Thanks to Bryce Donovan)

QUESTION FOR MR. GENE WEINGARTEN

Have you been writing headlines again, sir?

(Thanks to Bryce Donovan)

SKI TRIP UPDATE

At night, when we're sitting around the condo listening to bruises form on our bodies, we've been playing with a little electronic 20-questions gadget that looks sort of like this. It's amazing: You think of something -- say, a bottle cap, or the pyramids -- and it asks you 20 yes-or-no questions that often seem odd, such as "Is it heavier than a duck?" and "Does it give joy to people?"  The questions are so strange and seemingly unfocused that we're almost always convinced it's not going to guess the answer, but most times, somehow, it does. It wins so often that for a while there we thought maybe it had a hidden microphone and was listening to us talk, so we started using code words for the object we'd picked, and it still usually got it right.

So I have two questions:

1. Does anybody know how it works?

2. Could we modify one of these things and have it replace the federal government?

NOTED

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

NEW HAMPSHIRE CRIME UPDATE

The case of the dead snake.

THIS BLOG SALUTES POP'S BAIT SHOP AND THE TENNESSEE WILDLIFE RESOURCES AGENCY

Finally, somebody is taking action.

HIDE THE BANANAS AND THE BLONDES

King Kong is missing.

SANTA UPDATE

He knows if you've been bad.

WHAT'S THAT PERFUME YOU'RE WEARING?

And why is the dog suddenly so interested in you?

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are going after Santa.

MEN

They are so easy.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, who could easily be a victim)

ADVISORY TO CRICKETS

Be careful.

(Thanks to Rhona Davies)

MEN: LOOKING FOR A REALLY DIFFERENT GIFT CONCEPT FOR THAT SPECIAL LADY?

Look no farther.

(Thanks to Sarah K. Steiner)

Advisory: This gift concept is so different that you probably should not actually click on the link.

XTREME REGIFTING

Don't do it.

(Thanks to ArcticAl)

(BTW, we rest our case. Come back soon, sir!)

WORRISOME

It is of some concern to the s.b. that the blog submissions we have received while the blog is away are ... let's just say, less high-brow than usual.

(Thanks to julieta)

THE MOST DISTURBING PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER

EVER

(No thanks to Drew Harchick)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE IN STATES ALONG THE CANADIAN BORDER

Be prepared for heavy traffic.

(Thanks to Hudge)

IT'S ABOUT TIME

At last, somebody has the courage to tackle this issue.

(Thanks to Mr. Gene Weingarten)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE WITH A LOT OF SPARE TIME

The Cajundome needs you.

HOW CAN WE, AS A NATION, ALLOW THIS?

The world's largest inflatable Santa is in... Portugal? PORTUGAL?

CRIME UPDATE

The Sleuths of Directorate of Revenue Intelligence (which would be a good name for a rock band) score a big haul.

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

(Thanks to Brainy Jello)

SKI TRIP UPDATE

There are two kinds of skiers: lunatics and cowards. The lunatics want to ski all day, and they want to ski only on ski runs with names like "Certain Death" and "Knee Trauma," littered with human skeletons.

I myself am a coward. We cowards like to pace ourselves, hitting the slopes only for limited periods, say from 2:15 to 2:30 p.m. on alternate Thursdays. We ski only on easy runs, runs that are topographically indistinguishable from tennis courts and have names like "Easy Does It" and "Barry Manilow."

This week I'm skiing with a largish group, divided about evenly between lunatics and cowards. Every morning the lunatics try to talk us cowards into going skiing with them.

"Come on!" they say. "We're doing an easy run!"

"What's it called?" we ask.

"Hannibal Lecter," they say.

"No thanks," we say. "Maybe later we'll hit Barry Manilow." Then, as they charge out the door and down the slopes, we resume spreading cream cheese on our bagel, secure in our cowardice.

EVER WONDER WHAT THE HARDY BOYS BOOKS WOULD BE LIKE IF THEY DUMPED CHET AND STARTED HANGING OUT WITH THE COOL CROWD AT BAYPORT HIGH?

The House on the Cliff

(Thanks to Blair Keel)

SKI TRIP UPDATE

The ski trip is going well. Not a single fatality in our group so far, although several people have shown that it is possible to go down the side of a mountain using primarily your face. I myself have been taking it easy, sticking to the easier ski areas, mainly inside the condominium. It has a spiral staircase, but if I take it slow and keep my knees bent, I can handle it.