IT IS ALMOST CHRISTMAS

Perhaps Jesus is hinting around.

(Thanks to Chris)

Comments

[U.O]

I once had an image of my face on a bar-room floor ...

[Pirateboy]

This looks an awfully lot like my local crack vendor. "What up with that?"

[U.O]

... fortunately, only once ...

[U.O]

Hi, PB ...

for a second there, I thot you meant my plumber's crack ... but then I realized there's no image of a BVD waistline at the bottom ...

[southerngirl]

Methinks maybe Mr. Radillo is looking for an excuse cause he's too lazy to wash his truck.

Sorry, didn't mean to be blasphemous.

[reneviht]

The links at the bottom of the article are all kinda depressing, for some reason. Isn't there some sort of warning about idolatry in the bible somewhere? Although it seems the window Jesus actually performs miracles. Or at least a miracle.

[daisyj]

That's not Jesus, that's Ringo!

[TCK]

I saw Jesus in a bar once - sitting right down at the end of the bar, drinking merlot. Satan was tending bar, and he kept sayin' "C'mon J, just one more for the road, whaddya say buddy?

This biker (he looked a lot like Jerry Garcia) kept tryin' to get Jesus to perform a miracle. "How do you expect people to beleive," he'd say, "if you can't show us a little miracle?" "C'mon, just turn this 20 into a 50, and I'll beleive."

Satan, by the juke box now, chuckled quietly, and punched in the numbers for "Hotel California."

Jesus, after tossing down one more for the road, smiled at the biker and said "It doesn't work that way." "You have to bet without seein' the cards."

Satan, behind the bar again, said, "C'mon J, whaddya say. one more for the road?

Jesus just smiled, laid down a 20, and headed for the door. As the door swung shut behind him, Stairway to Heaven started up on the juke box.

Satan poured another shot for the biker, smiled, and said "this one's on the house."

[Pirateboy]

In that very same bar, I bet the Stone's "Sympathy for the Devil" would be song #666.

But the devil never went down to Georgia, right?

[U.O]

That's not a truck ... it's a pickup ... and not even a full-sized one ...

How can you trust such shoddy journalism?

Besides which already, it sorta looks like Che Guevara ... IMO ...

[philintexas]

Looks more like Che Guevara than HeyZeus...

[southerngirl]

*hides under the bed to avoid the inevitable lightning strikes*

[TCK]

southerngirl - while yer under there, see if you can find my lighter - can't find the damn thing anywhere

[Jimmy]

You have to admit it's an insanely clear image. The problem is, it's very clearly an image of Beethoven.

[Jacki]

Okay, TCK I'm lost. (Well, actually I'm Found but that's a topic for another forum.) Anyway, I get the part about have to bet without seeing the cards but I'm not understanding the last bit about the drink being on the house.

Regardless (is it irregardless?)the story does seem profound - in one of those, "I've either had too much to drink or not at all enough" ways.

[U.O]

NONONONONONONONO!!!!!!

I gotta say it.

"Irregardless" is NOT a word.

PLEASE do not use it.

Sorry.

End of former English teacher rant.

Resume regular fun, games and butchery of the language, and not having any resemblance to decorum or sanity.

[Eleanor]

Great story, TCK.
Jacki, I could be wrong since I'm Jewish and not really into the whole Jesus thing but I think the "drinks on the house" has something to do with the jukebox playing Stairway to Heaven as Jesus walks out, because the jukebox played it by itself.

TCK, am I close???

[southerngirl]

U.O., THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. No offense, Jacki! :)

Another one of my pet annoyances: I could care less. If you really want to express indignance (is that a word, U.O.?) you really want to say, "I COULDN'T care less."

And, lastly, I work for 2 ADAs (not ADA's)and in court once, someone said "out of an overabundance of precaution..." Aaaaghhhh!!!

[southerngirl]

TCK ~ explane, explane....

[TCK]

OK, Jackie & Eleanor - I'm not sure I should explain the story (mostly cuz, I hate to admit it, but these things just sometimes pop into my head, and I don't always completely understand them myself, let alone know how to explain them - I also don't usually share them with others - but, for some reason, Jesus on the tailgate made me type this one out) -also, this is supposed to be a humor blog, and may not be the right place for this discussion - but, since discretion has never been my strongest virtue, I'll take a shot at it...

*stops to take a breathe*

[southerngirl]

Dang, I know I'm posting too many times.

But, TCK, I found the lighter. It was in the box of parf...uh, I mean SNOW! YEA!!! SNOW!!!!

[southerngirl]

Dang, again. I think I meant apathy, not indignance.

[Jacki]

U.O. I actually knew that one, deep down inside. Was just checking before I got flamed for using regardless instead of the other non-word which we will not mention again.

We really are on quite the language tangent tonight aren't we? Oh where, oh where is Mr. Language Person when we need him.

[TCK]

OK, the point, (I think) is kinda that the cards are stacked against us (to further abuse the poker analogy) - on the one hand, we are supposed to have faith without any proof (bet without seein' the cards) - we're just supposed to beleive. Because of the rules, Jesus can't change a 20 into a 50 and make beleivers out of us all.

On the other hand, Satan doesn't have to follow the rules - he's got the whole temptation thing to work with, and uses it to great advantage. He knows the biker (or any of us) are more likely to take the free shot than to bet without seein' the cards.

Does that make sense?

(Sorry Eleanor, but I think Stairway to Heaven was just background music - cuz Zepplin ROCKS!)

[TCK]

sorry that took so long - lost my internet connection for a minute there

[TCK]

sorry U.O. and southerngirl - please ignore blatant abuse of arbitrary i before e rule...

[Jacki]

SG: Here in KY people say "I don't care to.." meaning they don't mind to do whatever.

It confuses the hell out of me.

A classmate the other day told me that she didn't care to share her paper with me, which I took to mean she did not want me to see it. In fact, she meant that she would not mind sharing it with me and allowing me to read it.

As for the my major and, thus the most important language issue in terms of global proportions: if a person is standing behind another person waiting for something, and there is yet another person behind that original person, is that person standing in line or on line?

(Being Southern, I'm hoping you will agree that they are indeed IN a line seeing as how there is no actual line on the ground for which them to stand ON.)

[TCK]

When I was in the army, I had a friend (see, I can do it!) from Alabama who made fun of my "yank accent", and yet said things like "over yonder," and "MASH THE BREAK!" (always shouted loudly while I was driving, and about to hit something...

[TCK]

I meant "MASH THE BRAKE!" - Mitch never said "mash the break"

[everysandwich]

I'm with U.O. Looks like Che Guevara. Second and third possibilities are a member of Vanilla Fudge or Three Dog Night.

[Jacki]

TCK, kind of sort of. The betting without seeing the cards was a great metaphor though so you get kudos for that.

Since we are sharing religous stories, I'll share this one I heard on the radio just because I absolutley love it:

This guy is living in the mid-west near a major river when torrential rains come down and the whole area begins to flood. The water is seeping in under his door and the road are impassible.

His friend comes by in a rowboat and says, "Hey, Fred," (the guy's name is Fred), "You're gonna drown. Hop in the boat".

Fred responds, "No, thanks. The Lord has looked after me all these years. He won't let me down now. I'm staying put."

A while later the water has taken over the entire first story of Fred's house and he is upstairs in his bedroom when another friend comes by in a powerboat.

"Hey, Fred" his friend calls. "Climb out the window and get in the boat, I'll take you to the shelter."

Fred again replies, "No thanks. I have been a faithful and trusty servant of the Lord all my life. He will take of me."

Later on, the water has taken over the house and Fred is perched on his roof. A rescue helicopter comes by and lowers a raft to pull Fred to safety. Fred waves them off, shouting, "The Lord will care for me. I put my faith in Him!"

The waters eventually sweep Fred away and he drowns. He enters Heaven and asks St. Peter, "Why did God not save me from the flood waters? I have been a faithful servant all these years? Why did he forsake me?"

St. Peter replies, "We sent you two boats and a friggin helicopter, what more do you want?!"

[Kafaleni]

Daisyj.. I thought it looked more like Jimi.. or perhaps even Bob Marley .. and I'm a Christian.

People seem to ignore the fact that Jesus is of Middle Eastern descent (on His mother's side) when they're painting his portrait.

[U.O]

Indignance ... um ... seems as if there should be such a word, but it doesn't work properly ... can't think of the proper case/tense/mood/form ... Indignancy? Pardon me while I play with my mental blocks ...

Indignant: from the Latin: indignari ... literally - not worthy, a feeling of (possible) resentment at being deemed not worthy ...

apathy, yes ... I think, rather than indignant ...

in line, definitely ...

jacki -- NBD ... sorry I yelled about the word which we will not mention ...

TCK ... see other thread for the granting of your special exception on the "i before e" thingy ...

Che? Wowser! Ewe mien aye got won rite?

[southerngirl]

2)TCK ~ By George, (who's George?)I think he's got the i before e thing. And, I think you can pretty much say anything you want, here. And, did I mention that you're (not your) my cher ami?

3) Vanilla Fudge?? Did you just get off the Geezer bus? And, Mama told me not to come (to this blog) but I told her it gives me a real Good Feeling.

[TCK]

It's definitely Jimi

[southerngirl]

Do you want to know what happened to 1)?

I'll try again. The first time, I got the Spam comment. Which I've never gotten before.
(Jacki, I think the spam blocker is a northerner. (NTTAWWT)

I said, "when I'm hanging with the blog, I am online. When I'm shopping, I am IN LINE.

Let's see if it works this time.

[bbescuela]

I'm thinking the guy just backed up over a hobo. He is from Texas after all.

[TCK]

sorry Jackie - best I can do - maybe your faith comes a little easier than mine does - I'll go for the free shot every time - besides, a writer I am not...

[U.O]

r.e. the "middle eastern descent" concept ...

'minds me of one of the legends/myths/folklores of the people indigenous to the American continent(s) ...

The version of "creation" is somewhat (my memory's a little fuzzy on this, it was a long time ago that I first ran across this ...) as follows:

When (place appelation of favorite concept of Diety here) made mankind, he (she?) molded a shape made of earth and water ...

[Interesting, innit, that these "pagans" had a tale of origin so similar to that found in the Pentateuch, which is propounded by a large majority of the Earth's religions ... Christian, Jewish, Muslim (in no particular order) ... eh?]

and then placed the "man" into the oven to bake ...

Appelation of favorite concept of Diety was either dozing (after all that work of creating the world) or not paying attention (I forget which), and the "man" was baked too long ... and when removed from the oven, was burned almost black ... this was the origin of the darkest-skinned races ...

On the second attempt (appelation of favorite concept of Diety) was more attentive, and concerned over this "mistake" [S/He is infallible? How, then, the "error" -- more theology, here] and so, removed the "man" from the oven too soon and came out unproperly baked, and white ... this was the origin of the lightest-skinned races ...

On the third attempt (third time's the charm?) ... appelation of favorite concept of Diety was more careful, and the "man" came out of the oven just right ... perfect ... a rich, warm brown color ... this was the origin of the Perfect People ... our American Indians, and -- one assumes -- other subdivisions with that same approximate "pigmentation" characteristic ...

So ... I apologize for the length, but I like the story ... except for one facet of the concept ...

Are we all not human beings?

Just askin' ...

[Bumble]

How do they know what Jesus looks like? As far as I know, none of the disciples had a digital camera. Personally, I think that the son of God would be a lot cuter than most "Jesus" pictures I've seen.

[U.O]

TCK -

Au contraire, Mon Ami ...

Methinks you are a writer ... at least, you seem (IMO) to have the soul of one ...

(Yours posted while I was struggling with the tale of our origins ...)

[U.O]

Bumble -

You reminded me of an old Sci-Fi tale that relates somewhat to this idea ...

I dismember the name, but it had some Hollywood types making a movie that included the crucifixion ...

God was paying attention to something else for a few millennia ... but when s/he looked down on the Earth, he saw this scene being filmed ... and thot ... Hey, din't I take care of this? Well, I'll do it now ..." (more or less) and reached down and touched his "son" on the cross ...

An amazing change came over the actor, who was a semi-typical Hollywood A$$ ... and he became beatifically charged, so to speak ... his countenance (that means "face" to you ignorami out there ... HAR!) literally glowed with an inner warmth, and his whole attitude changed as well ... and the scene was a figurative killer ... all the crew were in awe of his portrayal ... definite Oscar (tm) time ...

Major irony ... because he was now literally God's son, and therefore immortal, and had all sorts of other neat-o characteristics ... he could not be photographed ... and when running the film for editing, the whole scene played ... but he was not in the pictures ...

[southerngirl]

Ok, I am NOT A STALKER. U.O. and TCK, I think you both are terrific. I love both your joke, and the following comment, (TCK) and your story (U.O.)

Signed,
Southern Catholic White Girl, who has non Southern, non Catholic, non white friends, and who the h*ll cares?

[southerngirl]

"immortal, and had all sorts of other neat-o characteristics"

*snork*

[U.O]

sg -

OK ... that's cool ...

Signed,

Northern Catholic (Convert) White Guy, with 62.5 percent of his grandkids having American Indian bloodlines, and accepts/tolerates pretty much most of people around him (but has a problem with stoopid-heads, which are pretty scarce around this blog) and ... right ... who the h*ll cares?

[TCK]

Bumble, I think it says in Mark, chapter 44, verse 2:

And verily the disciples captured the image of Christ in their Nikon, and thereupon distributed it to the masses, and when the Son of Man found what they had done, he smiled upon them, and said "Thou Shalt Not Be Spammers," and it was good.

*crawls under southerngirl's bed to avoid the lightning strike*

[slyeyes]

TCK -- you so got it on your earlier post re Faith and not needing proof.

And if you need to base your faith on burned cheese sammiches, dented tailgates and crying statues, then perhaps I could interest you in my Stigmata Barbie (tm thingie)

[U.O]

Stigmata Barbie?

Snork!

What'd she do ... run into a Unicorn?

[Stupendous Man]

TCK, grrreeeaaattt short-short story. I really liked that!
And U.O, did you break the i before e rule, or should it be modified to include these instructions:
"...except after c or in deity..."? Maybe there should be a new word now that diet fads are all the rage. The new word could be used something like this: "Since I began the Cleveland Diet and can't eat anything that can't live in Lake Erie, I've begun to feel all diety."

[U.O]

AAAAaaaarrrrrrrgh!

Ya got me!

You see, it's this numbness in my fingers resulting from the surgery ... it sometimes makes me lose control of which finger does what, and where, and to ... um ... skip that part ...

Any excuse in a story ...

Would you believe that I'm havin' so much fun that I don't always pay attention to little details?

Would you believe that there are seven police gunboats surrounding us and moving in to arrest you?

Would you believe ... two cops in a rowboat?

(Geezer Alert! Name the speaker, and the actor, and his girlfriend -- note: not girlfreind ...)

[TCK]

before answering, I need to know: is this the same boat that came to rescue the guy off the roof in Jackie's story?

[slyeyes]

Don Adams.... Agent 99???

[U.O]

Nope.

He had an old Mirrocraft ...

These other guys are in a Bass Ranger ...

[slyeyes]

Maxwell Smart...Don Adams....Agent 99.....Barbara Feldon.

[slyeyes]

Oh, well.....never mind. The trademark "would you believe" stumped me.

[TCK]

OK, I was just askin' for useless details as a stalling tactic - I think slyeyes got it whilst I stalled...

[Stupendous Man]

Speaker: Maxwell Smart
Actor: Don Adams
Girlfriend: Agent 99
Actress: Barbara Feldman (?)

[Pirateboy]

Re: Im line or on line. My friends from the south all say "Saturday next". What the heck does this mean? Saturday next, to me, means tomorrow, since it is, logically "the next Saturday". But not to those in Georgia. To them, it means the Saturday *after* the next one.... Y'all have some mighty strange customs down there!

And the English Lit quiz question of the night:
"GHOTI"

What word can you use to say that? (No fair looking it up, either!)

P.B.
"Me fail English? That's umpossible!" <- Ralph Wiggiums

[U.O]

... um ... yup ...

Great job, sly' and you too, Stupe ... you are to be congratulated. Your reward is waiting for you to collect ... um ... it's on that other thread ... where reneviht tells me who modeled for that picture on the funny money ...

HOWever ... it seems that some of our posts are crossing in the time-lapse situation ... whatever ... it's still fun ... it's s'posed to be fun, you know ...

Scotty, beam us up ...

[Pirateboy]

*IN LINE* D'oh!

Computer, engage spell check!

[U.O]

PB -

Fish is the word ... courtesy of George Bernard Shaw, I believe ...

[Stupendous Man]

Right, slyeyes, Feldon, not Feldman.
BTW, since irregardless is not a word, couldn't we get rid of the word underneath as well? It seems redundant to me. And I don't like to read or hear someone refer to other people in the following manner:

"I just can't stand to read something written by a person that (shudder!) doesn't know when to use the word "who." (shudder added for emphasis)

[U.O]

and ...

GHOUGHPTEIGHBTEAU ... what word? Right back atcha ...

[U.O]

Stupe -

Of whom might you be speaking?

[Pirateboy]

U.O.: Do I get to add the J. Danforth Quail "e" at the end of GHOUGHPTEIGHBTEAU?

P.B., who lasted but 7 awful weeks teaching H.S. remedial English

[Stupendous Man]

U.O, I was speaking in reference to the thousands of writers in the thousands of newspapers, magazines and online publications who (not that) don't seam two heave a clew.

[U.O]

P.B. --

Well, yeah, if'n ya wanna ... but only if you're sure that this would be the proper way it should be spelled ...

Which, BTW, reminds me of something else ... (so, what else is new?)

A colleague of mine once handed out a test, and answer sheet with numbered blanks to place the correct answers in/on, for a test in English Lit. ...

The few words on it were pretty much as follows:

Ye Answere Sheete

Namee Datee

1. ___

2. ___

... and so on ...

I always liked that joke ...

Of course, as growing up, he preferred to be know as "Maynard" ... as in: "G. Krebs" ... whist my ownselfs appelation of choice was "Alfred" ... as in "E. Neuman" ...

So, you can draw your own conclusions from those data ...

[U.O]

Stupe -

Yeah, well, I sorta knewed that ... I was just trineta show off ...

[U.O]

... and I, too, am abhorrent at their ignorance of proper usage ...

[Pirateboy]

U.O.:
Reminds me of one of the final exam questions from my medieval lit class: "Name all the characters in _Canterbury Tales_ who passed gas."

One of my college friends referred to those of us in the English program as "fuzzies", because that's what she said our futures were.

But she went on to a degree in computer science, and soon her job was eventually outsourced to "Suzie", in Bhopal. So I guess her job training now consists of "Would you like fries with that?"

[U.O]

P.B.

Oh, wowser ... that's humorous ... I like it ...

(Didn't they all? Pass gas?) (HAR!)

[southerngirl]

U.O. ~ my brother, who is a very tall, white Catholic Southern guy, married a very short Asian woman, who just happens to be Bhuddist. They have two of the most smartest, (yeah, yeah, I know) good looking children I have ever seen. And, I thought "Grease" was the word.

*scoots over, but not too much, for TCK*

[U.O]

sg -

Good guess ... wrong, but good guess ...

PirateBoy nailed it, almost as fast as I got "fish" -- His reference to the former Vice President was a very good clue ...

P - as in Hiccough
O - as in Though
T - as in Ptolmey
A - as in Weigh
T - as in Debt
O - as in Bureau

I dunno if you got his GHOTI, so I'll do it ...

That's -

GH - as in Rough (or tough, or slough)
O - as in Women
TI - as in Notion (or motion, or bunches of other examples)

[queensbee]

um, no offense but, yikes, only in Texas, although there is was a famous BVM image in an underpass someplace recently....

[Mr. Completely]

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - Dayum, we're a bunch of erudite folk on this blog, ain't we?

[Mr. Completely]

Speaking of images on vehicles, check THIS out!

[U.O]

... um ... I musta slept thru somethin' ...

It's Mr. Yuk, or his cousin ... What? Do we stick it on cars we dislike? Should I go to Snopes?

Help!

It's Saturday, and I din't hafta get up (early) ...

[southerngirl]

Eeeeeww!

Couldn't they have washed the truck first?

[Mr. Completely]

Oops - sorry - the link worked when I first tried it - here, try this one... Click here or paste http://www.snopes.com/photos/risque/graphics/carhood.jpg into your browser...

[TCK]

OK, I gotta ask - who screws on the hood of a volvo?

[U.O]

The mechanic who attaches the hood ornaments ...

(Yeah, it's a "posed" photo ... mebbe she was wearing a garter belt and not panties, but there's not enuf impression/tracing-in-the-dust to account for her upper torso and/or hair or ...

... um ...

not that I know anything about this sort of thing ... it's 'cuz ... um ... oh! I studied anatomy (in an actual class) in college ... yeah, that's it ...

[southerngirl]

The mechanic who attaches the hood ornaments ...

VERY GOOD!!!

[Jorge]

Actually, although I could be threatened or even murdered for saying this in Miami, I think it looks like Che.

[Josh]

Bob Marley?

[Mr. Completely]

Jerry Garcia?

Ooh - that reminds me, I have a pint of Ben & Jerry's in the freezer... love that Cherry Garcia, with Hershey's Syrup and whipped cream... *yum*

[Annie Where-but-here]

TCK - who does it on a Volvo? Anyone who wants to have 'safe' sex.

[Cyn]

*groan*

[Candy Tutt]

Beethoven. Definitely.

[Scott M]

In an unrelated story...

Writing on Car Window Divine Message or Heavenly Joke?

Coonholler, WV -- Local bartender Billy Jo Hancock still maintains she has witnessed a miracle, even after a team of language experts determined that the cryptic message written on the back window of Hancock's '82 Pinto says "Wash me" in Spanish.

"If God wrote this, He must have a sense of humor," said Dr. Hank Washburn, professor of linguistics at West Virginia University.

Hancock and the nearly 200 religious faithful gathered outside her mobile home seemed unphased by the revelation.

"I know what I seen," Hancock said. "Can't nobody tell me that wasn't the hand of God what wrote that message to me. I mean, there ain't no Mexicans around here or nothing. It must have been God."

Hancock first saw the mysterious writing when she returned home from work around 3 am, Sunday morning. When she couldn't read the message, Hancock says she just knew it was God trying to tell her something.

When her repeated calls to Sunnyside Baptist Church went unanswered, Hancock decided to call the most religious person she could think of, her cousin Jo Beth Miller.

"I read this story in the Weekly World News about Jesus appearing in sandwiches and Cheetos, and I told Billy Jo she ought to call the newspaper," Miller said.

Local reporter Regina Trotter took one look at the window and called a contact at the University of West Virginia. The rest, as they say, is history.

Hancock says she'll devote herself to understanding the meaning behind God's message.

When asked how she plans to respond to the mysterious advice, Hancock replied, "I ain't never gonna wash that window again. I know God was trying to tell me something."