TALES FROM WILMALAND

Dave,

I'm not making this up.

I lost my roof in Wilma. Water poured through the entire upstairs and through first floor walls and ceilings on that side of the house. I was told that FEMA might be able to help with a tarp.

1) On Wednesday the 19th, I called the main FEMA number to see if I could get help with a tarp. A male answered the phone fairly promptly. I told him that I had lost my roof to Hurricane Wilma.

FEMA: Where are you?

Me: North Miami Beach.

FEMA: What state?

Me:(stunned): ...Florida. ...

FEMA: (after putting me on hold) We don't have an order for that yet there.

2) On Thursday the 20th, I called the main FEMA number again, and was given the number for Operation Blue Roof. The interactive recording on that number led the caller to select the state and county of need. Dade was option 3. The information given was the locations in each county to execute a right to enter form so that the Army Corps of Engineers could assess the property and install the tarp. Selecting option 3 for Dade did not lead to an address, but to a repeat of the recording. I selected Broward and decided to go to that location to sign up or at least get information.

3) I went to the Broward location early on Friday the 21st, using precious gas. When I arrived at 8:30 the line was already very long. I called the main FEMA number to confirm that I could sign up in Broward although I was a Dade resident. I reached a FEMA rep who said his name was Giovanni. In what I think was an attempt to be helpful, he put me on hold for several minutes, finally telling me to go to the head of the line to ask someone there about Dade locations. He also suggested that I call a local Dade agency for information. I asked him where to call, and he gave me 1- 800 GOV INFO as the resource for Dade agencies. He even "spelled out" the numbers for me. DAVE, DIAL THAT NUMBER. (This is not a Hunt clue.)

4) The person at the head of the Broward line told me to go to Team Metro in Dade. Conveniently, the Team Metro office is less than one mile from my house. I proceeded directly from Plantation to Team Metro, where the staff was completely unaware of Operation Blue Roof.

5) I ordered a tarp from an out of state distributor on Friday, and paid even more to ship it. I had it installed on Tuesday.

6) FEMA called to schedule a visit to my house this morning because I had gone through the online claims filing process.

7) A very nice young woman arrived, heard my story, saw the tarp, and dialed that number. She could do nothing for me except note that I suggested better training for the phone reps.

We still don't have power at home.

Otherwise, I was on the 3rd place winning team in the 2001 Hunt. See you Sunday!

Thanks,

Murphy Leopold
Chief Operating Officer
Cinergy Health, Inc.

NOTE: This blog did dial the number. We sincerely hope nobody is tapping our phone.

Comments

[Brad]

Sounds like a business opportunity.

[Addicted to 24]

Wow

[Tamara Rhymes With Camera]

Sh*t. I dialed from work. Sh*t!

[Mr. Completely]

Of course, 800-GOV-INFO also works out to 800-HOT-INFO...

[wondering]

I am such a sucker. I dialed the number - from my work phone. Waiting for the phone police to come escort me from the building.

[Mr. Completely]

...and may I just say, "our tax dollars at work."

[Tamara Rhymes With Camera]

*still smacking self on forehead*

Wondering, when I'm done laughing, and hitting myself, shall we hold each other and cry?

[Funny Name]

I called the number. Personally, I think it's nice that Bill Clinton's hurricane recovery plan is finally being implemented.

[Christobol]

I wish I was at work. Then I'd dial the number.

I love government info.

[Tamara Rhymes With Camera]

"I love government info."

...And a new euphemism is born.

[just sayin']

mebbe if everyone just donated their "tax dollars"
directly to the storm victims, the fed's would get the message .. hmmm?

also wondering if one can blog from a federal prison:|

[Somewhere North]

Maybe they thought he could chat with some nice women while waiting for Armaggedon to finally take the rest of the roof off? Because I have it on good authority that FEMA will finally show up with a tarp shortly after the Big Day.

[Tamara Rhymes With Camera]

I made DDi call the number, and she got a BUSY SIGNAL!

I was afraid my joke was about to be ruined and that she would read the comments section before trying again. But she didn't! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*runs*

[DDi]

*glaring at Tamara*

YOUNG LADY YOU GET BACK HERE!

Yes, so I've been very busy with work, and Tamara just took complete advantage of my concentration and had me phone that Govt Info line... *clears throat*
If anyone from the 'puter police is reading this, I did not have phone $ex with that voice recording!

*runs in the opposite direction*

[Nobody]

Everybody rises to the level of their greatest incompetence. Now, if only those people would also suffer from impotence(the obvious joke whenever someone writes "incompetence"), maybe they wouldn't be able to breed. A fruitless hope, I know.

[pogo]

I'm one of the people who program the machines where you "press 1 for this, press 2 for that", etc. It sounds like these people committed the hugest sin in the business - failure to test simple code.

More complex applications like getting your balance from the bank's mianframe are more difficult and initial errors may be forgiven but screwing up simple call routings and announcements is unforgivable.

I worked on the Katrina Relief line where evacuees could call and we would tell them where they could go to pick up emergency cash at a Western Union office based on the location they called from. That one was tricky but we had it working by the time they cleared the Superdome.

[Mary]

You knew something had to be up when he said he was trying to get a tarp for his roof October 19 -- Wilma didn't hit Florida until several days later.

[Ernesto "Chuck" Guevara]

AN OPEN LETTER TO DAVE BARRY:

Dear Dave,

In these times of unprecedented partisanship, far be it from me to contribute to the red state-blue state polarity tearing this great country apart -- but as a concerned fan I feel morally obligated to ask:

Now that you're not writing a column for the Herald anymore, why don't you get the hell out of that godforsaken suck-hole of a state?

Apart from the loathsome climate and the damage it's visited on you again and again and again, never EVER forget that the man who is ultimately responsible for FEMA's screw-ups would be staring at the underside of a barstool in some Crawford dive right now if The-State-That's-Even-Shaped-Like-A-Dick hadn't thrown the election to him in '00.

Not that I'm bitter, you understand.

Sincerely,

E "C" G

[sakifused]

uh.. monday the 24th .. maybe he looked at the calender wrong n ment wenesday the 26th?

[queensbee]

Huh?

[Novanglus]

The reason FEMA doesn't work is because Clinton got the program from the Chinese, you didn't think we gave all those nuclear secrets to China and got NOTHING in return do you? All govenment tarps have been sent to be used in the upcoming Jolie and Pitt wedding, to cover the event from enquiring minds, and media who have not paid for the pictures.

Perhaps he should have said that a duck flew into his house when his roof fell in, and that by mistake he kissed the duck while sleeping, mistaking it for MS Spears (who was in his dreams kissing Madonna)-- he would have had a whole slew of government officials at his door.

FEMA..Former Eggheads MAY Attend, will become in the upcoming disasters...Future Eggheads MAY attack.

[jensharp]

F.E.M.A

Fix
Everything
My
A$$

[Ronald Wilson Reagan]

Dear Ernesto "Chuck",

Today is (coincidentally) the 25th anniversary of my election to the Presidency and the start of the Reagan Revolution. Might I suggest that when you pour yourself a drink tonight, you make it triple strong to drown your sorrows in my honor.

Yours,

R.W.R.
(aka "The Original W")

[KCSteve]

There's a chance that the correct number is 888 rather than 800. I'm also at work so I'm not going to check myself...

[Nick]

It looks like it should have been 1-800-FED-INFO from what I've found online.

[slyeyes]

Somehow, I get the feeing that somewhere, "Mr. Leopold" is sitting at a computer laughing and saying "Suckahs!!!"

[southerngirl]

Ok, I had to try it. Does it really cost "69" cents a minute?

Sorry.

[Brainy Jello]

Jensharp:

*SNORK*

[Punkin Poo]

Krist-on-a-cracker!

I am truly, really, getting deployed to Miami tomorrow at 7 a.m. with the Red Cross to help with Wilma. After reading the Miami Herald, and knowing all about Dave's power troubles, I'm wicked afraid of what I'm in for.

Is the Red Cross like the Army? Can I go AWOL???

[Murphy]

Yes, I made a big mistake in noting the calendar dates. I lost track of time completely since Monday the 24th when Wilma came through, my bad.
Even knowing the days of the week is challenging.

And just for the record, I'm Ms. Leopold. Everyone knows Murphy Brown, and still, everyone writes "Mr." or thinks I'm a golden retriever.

Sorry to all of you who dialed from work.
See you ALL at the hunt!

[SWLiP]

Ernesto "Chuck" Guevera:

Gee, it's always nice to see how pleasantly liberals comport themselves. It's all that peace, love, and tolerance that they teach you in college, I guess. Please do us Floridians a favor, and don't retire here.

Murphy:

I was about to note that the dates were way off in your letter. Glad you cleared that up.

[JRM]

Hey, what's up with Florida these days? You guys haven't had a hurricane in a whole week! Hurricane Betty really ought to follow, then Hurricane Bam-Bam.

I bet you guys miss those hurricanes. Maybe next week. Or maybe Thanksgiving.

--JRM, who'll take earthquakes any day over hurricanes.

[Morgana]

Murphy, (which is a cool name) I would guess that the Mr. comes from your title:

Chief Operating Officer
Cinergy Health, Inc.

Even women tend to sterotype. When I was taking an organizational management class, the Prof started a hypothetical scenario with: "You're the boss and ... What should the boss do?" And when I answered "He should...yada yada yada..." I was shocked when the teacher brought to my attention my own bias.

Sheesh! That was 9 years ago and I still can't believe it.

P.S. My Irish grandmother was a Murphy.

[hipdadiddy]

SWLiP:

"Please do us Floridians a favor, and don't retire here"

Damn, I KNEW my post was too subtle! Read it again -- you may discover I'm actually not too FOND of Florida. So I'm probably not likely to retire there.