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November 22, 2005

JOAQUIN PHOENIX CORRECTION

It turns out that Joaquin's brain is not -- repeat, not -- being eaten by a frog. We will have updates on this story as warranted.

IT IS A MIRACLE THAT THE HUMAN RACE MANAGES TO SURVIVE, CONSIDERING ONE OF THE GENDERS INVOLVED

Why do we say this? This is why we say this.

SERIOUS WARNING: Do not click this link at work. Or at home, if you have a shred of human decency. The fact is, you should not click this link at all. Probably you should unplug your computer right now.

(Thanks to Michael Crane)

UPDATE: The guy in the video may need one of these. (Via Gizmodo)

SOON TO BE OVERHEARD IN BARS EVERYWHERE

"Excuse me, miss, but it sounds like you have a stuffy nose. Try some of this!"

(Thanks to Chris)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

DAY OF MOURNING IN ALABAMA

Shed a skin tear for Lady Gray.

November 21, 2005

"CULTURAL MYSTERIES"

Episode 9: The YappyNappings.

(Thanks to Cyndi Schoenbrun)

HOME DEPOT

The Zero Tolerance Home Improvement Retail Store

(Thanks to DJ)

MYSTERY IN WEST ROUTT

Anybody know what Randy's been up to?

(Thanks again to Claire Martin)

SMOKERS: NOT THE SHARPEST KNIVES IN THE DRAWER?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

LOOKS LIKE FUN!

Until you run out of air.

(Via Gizmodo)

THE NEWS FROM MYSORE

Here's an exciting new concept in dairy products.

REMAINDERS REPORT

We had a fine show Saturday night at the Miami Book Fair: There was a good crowd, and on one occasion, for a brief, shining moment, everybody in the entire band was playing exactly the same chord.

Also, as often happens with top bands, some famous celebrities came backstage to "chill." Here's an exclusive CrapCam photo of Ridley with one of his personal idols.

Ridkeypapabear

November 19, 2005

MOST URGENT EMERGENCY OF THE WEEK SO FAR

And FEMA does nothing.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

REMAINDER REMINDER

Just a reminder that the World Famous Among a Small Select Group of People Rock Bottom Remainders will perform this afternoon at the Miami Book Fair. Our opening act, the amazing John "John the Juggler" Nations, goes on at 5. We in the band have some real surprises in store. For example we just found out that, for best results, you're supposed to tune your guitars before you play them. Who knew?

November 18, 2005

IS THE SO-CALLED GLOBAL SOCIETY ELIMINATING CULTURAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN NATIONS?

We report; you decide.┬╣

┬╣Also, please decide which would be a better name for a rock band: Gutsy Radish or Decapitated Radish?

(Thanks to you; yes, you there, with the computer.)

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

They have struck again. And although some people still have not recognized the threat, others are fighting back.

AND STILL THE SO-CALLED "DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY" DOES NOTHING

ATTENTION ALL NEBRASKA UNITS

Be on the lookout.

Key Quote: Their left ears are pierced, there are red spray-paint spots on their rears and they may be pregnant.

EVER WONDER WHAT GIVES TOP ATHLETES THAT SPECIAL "EDGE?"

Sport Beans.

(Via Gizmodo)

THE NEWS FROM MYSORE

Snake Shyam's Big Catch!

SENSIBLE HEADLINE OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Brook Enger)

November 17, 2005

SPEAKING OF HOLIDAY GIFT IDEAS...

...these babies won't last long at this price!

HOLIDAY GIFT ITEM OF THE DAY SO FAR

Run away! Run away!

(Via Gizmodo)

LOBSTER RIGHTS

Seems to us that, in addition to these measures, the supermarket should sell the lobsters only to people who agree to immediately let them go.

IT'S NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANY MORE

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

ADVICE TO PRISON AUTHORITIES

When asked to spare a square, beware.

November 16, 2005

CHRISTMAS IS COMING

And we know what we want.

(Many thanks to Cyndi Schoenbrun)

WOOF! BURRRPPP WOOF!

In case your dog does not already pee enough.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

ATTENTION, LOVERS OF HIGH TECHNOLOGY

Check out this must-have item..

(Thanks to Joseph Gardina)

CRIME IN LEXINGTON COUNTY

This may be a job for Jack Bauer.

(Thanks to Emily Maurin)

WHAT MAKES A STATE GREAT?

Great leaders.

(Thanks to Ernie Gudath)

TERRORISM UPDATE

This comes as no surprise to us.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

THOSE EUROPEAN DESIGNERS

They are SO sophisticated.

(Via Gizmodo)

24

Here's an update on the new season, which states that this woman will be Jack Bauer's new love interest, which means -- at least we hope it means -- that Jack, despite having been killed at the end of last season, will have to shoot somebody in, at minimum, the thigh. We don't see Marwan in here, so the part of the evil terrorist mastermind genius will apparently be played by a new face.

CORRECTION: We posted the wrong link for Jack's new love interest, This is Jack's new love interest. Whoa.

GOOD NEWS FOR MEALTIME PLANNING

Soon there will be no need whatsoever for that pesky and time-consuming task of chewing.

(Thanks to Shannon Schlott)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

FLASHBACK

Today in the supermarket, the music system played two songs in a row from the genre known as "songs with lyrics so stupid that you love them." The first was "Tighten Up," by Archie Bell and the Drells, which begins (if my memory is correct): "Hi everybody! I'm Archie Bell and the Drells, from Houston, Texas! We don't only sing, but we dance just as good as we want!"

The rest of the song consists of Archie mainly singing, "Do the tighten up!" Occasionally he also sings, "Now make it mellow!" And the Drells do, because the essence of being a a Drell is knowing how to make it mellow, as well as how to tighten it up.

And THEN the supermarket sound system played another great stupid-lyric song,  "Mister Big Stuff," by (I think) Jean Knight, which goes:

     Mister Big Stuff!
     Who do you think you are?

This song was popular when I was in high school, during the 17th century. I had a friend, Tom Parker, and for an entire year, every single time we passed each other in the halls of Pleasantville (N.Y.) High, one of us would shout, "Mister Big Stuff!" And the other one would answer: "Who do you think you are?" And it was funny every single time.

They don't write them like that any more. Or maybe they do, and I just don't understand what they're saying.

IT WON'T GET FAR ON FOOT

In Miami, nobody would even notice this.

GOOD, IF LONG, NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The Sewer-Menacing Toilet-Disposed Mobiles

REMAINDERS UPDATE

We have hit the big time.

November 15, 2005

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

HAVE UN-AMERICAN COMMUNIST PINKO TRAITORS WHO WANT TO DESTROY OUR PRECIOUS WAY OF LIFE TAKEN OVER OREGON STATE UNIVERSITY?

We report; you (burrrppp) decide.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ATTENTION FANS OF GREAT "ROCK-AND-ROLL" STYLE MUSIC!

You will want to ignore the following announcement.

But you fans of really bad rock-and-roll style music will want to come to the Miami Book Fair this Saturday around 5 p.m. to see a performance by some random members of the World Famous To Several People Rock Bottom Remainders Mostly Authors Rock Band. On hand this year, besides me, will be Amy Tan, Scott Turow, Ridley Pearson, Greg Iles, Kathi Goldmark, Sam "My Little Brother Sam" Barry, Josh Kelly, Erasmo Paolo, and possibly some surprise guest performers if we can persuade them to destroy their careers join us onstage.Our opening act will be the excellent juggler John Nations.

Also on hand will be our road manager, Ted Habte-Gabr, who will demonstrate that he is obviously in denial about his does not have a mullet hairstyle.

So come on out! We suck, but sometimes in an amusing way. And the book fair is terrific.

GIRLS AND BOYS

Every school-day morning, my wife and I take our 5-year-old daughter, Sophie, to her elementary school. We go to the cafeteria, where we wait, along with many other children and their parents, for the teachers to come and take the students to their classes. It's a loud, happy, social scene, the cafeteria, and a rare chance for parents to watch their children interact with classmates.

There's a boy in Sophie's kindergarten class who clearly has a crush on Sophie. Every day when we get to the cafeteria, he comes right over and says "Hi, Sophie!" She generally ignores him; she pays attention only to her girlfriends. But the boy does not give up. The other day, he brought something to show her: It was the instructions to his father's digital watch -- one of those little booklets, written in like eight different languages, that tell you how to set the time, date, month, etc. -- the booklet you always lose 15 minutes after you buy the watch, which means if the date ever gets off, you have to throw the watch away.

When we got to the cafeteria, the boy came running up, holding out the booklet. He said, "Sophie! Look at this! It's for my father's watch!" Sophie glanced at the booklet for perhaps one millionth of a second, then went back to chatting with her girlfriends. The boy was disappointed; clearly, he had thought Sophie would be wowed by the the watch instructions.

Seeing his face, I had mixed emotions. On the one hand, as Sophie's dad, I'm glad my daughter is not easily impressed by boys. On the other hand, as a former little boy who tended to have crushes on unobtainable girls, I sympathized. My guess is that the boy is in for a lot of this sort of disappointment before he figures out how to impress girls. I personally tried humor, which allegedly is attractive to the opposite gender, but you could not prove that by my experience in grade school: I could make loud farting noises with my hands, but for whatever reason the girls managed to resist me anyway.

So farting noises and watch instructions are not what girls want. My guess is that the boy in my daughter's class will spend years trying to figure out what they do want. I wish him luck.

But not with my daughter.

IT'S A BIG ZEPPELIN FAN

The Singing Plant.

(Via Gizmodo)

(Get it? Zeppelin? The singing Plant? Har!)

TODAY'S MEDICAL TIP

If you find a sponge in your body, you want to sue in Brooklyn, not Philadelphia.

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

Little by little, the little bastards are shutting us down.

ATTENTION, WILLIE NELSON

Time for a benefit concert.

Key Quote: Sam Mike, a disabled American tourist, said the farm's 40-minute snake show and venom suction demo was enjoyable.
``The most fun part is when a staff member puts a python on your neck for picture-shooting and another staffer pinches your legs as if a snake is biting you,'' he said with a 14kg python wrapped around his neck.

 
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